New Around Here... My Story.
Hi all!
I'm super glad to have found this forum, because I'm struggling something terrible.
I'm 26 and I've been seeing my partner for about 4 years, but only 2 of those years have been serious, and with a serious relationship has come his four kids. They're not technically my step-children because we're not married, but they might as well be given he lives with me, and so they live with me some of the time. I mean, I have it pretty good as they're only with us one weekend a month and half of each school holidays but there's four of them and it's totally overwhelming.
So, the kids. There's the girl, who is 14 and away at boarding school most of the time so she's not really too much of an issue. Her and I get along okay, and she generally listens to me, and does what I ask. The boys are the problem though. SS13 isn't too bad. We get along most of the time, but he's got a mouth on him and can be really disrespectful. SS11 has a lot of problems with anxiety and he's also a total stirrer. He just likes to cause trouble. It's probably SS9 who's the biggest problem. He's (supposedly) got ADHD but I honestly think that most of his problems are from a lack of structure and discipline. This kid is something else. When he's good, he's really good, but when he's bad, hes horiffic. The kid is 9 but still gets his way by squealing louder than everyone else so that everyone else gets into trouble when it's him thats usually doimg the wrong thing. My partner doesn't discipline him because it's easier to discipline the others and it breaks my heart because I can see how much that upsets the others. He tells the boys that they have to stop annoying their brother, but nothing about the kid having to learn to be more tolerant. He cries to get attention, and they're total crocodile tears, because as soon as he gets what he wants, miraculously, no more crying. What doesn't help is that their BM is totally hopeless with parenting. She does nothing at all, doesn't make them use manners, doesn't make them do any kind of chores, which means that when they come to us, everything that we've tried to teach them has gone out the window. It's the most frustrating thing in the world.
They fight constantly (like, I can handle a little bit of fighting, but this is too much!), they seem incapable of speaking in a volume less than 1000 decibels, they don't do anything and expect to have everything done for them, and they can't seem to ever amuse themselves, there always has to be a TV on, or they have to be playing on a phone or an ipad otherwise they're bored, because they don't know how to play by themselves.
There's also the fact that I have honestly never wanted children of my own, so for him to expect me to take on his 4 kids is a big ask and he really doesn't seem to understand that 1) it's a big deal to take on another persons kids, especially when you've never wanted your own, and 2) that his kids aren't fun to be around. I'm an introvert and I resent them because they come and I no longer have my own space to unwind and relax, because they sleep in my study and won't let me in there while they're using it, even during the day.
Ugh, such a dump of information and feelings, sorry for the long post. Does anyone have any words of wisdom for me because I'm hanging by a thread. I love their dad but I don't know how much longer I can do this for...
Ouch. A tough
Ouch. A tough situation.
But... I have a question. If you have always known that you don't want children why would you pair up with a man with 4 prior relationship spawn?
Being a parent is the only permanent decision that is possible to make in modern society and remain on the leaf side of the world rather than the root side. You have chosen a man who will never be free of his children and as long as you are with him.... neither will you.
So, either change your perspective, set some standards of behavior for the kids and your SO, enforce those standards, and manage the situation.... or........ put this guy and his spawn on the road with you and your home fading in trheir rear view mirror. Either way.... enjoy the next stage of your life.
Welcome by the way. I hope you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute, and to pick up some useful advice and perspective from others who are living the dream of the blended family adventure.
Thanks, Rags! There's no
Thanks, Rags!
There's no simple answer to the question you asked... To be frank, we started just seeing each other casually (more like a friends with benefits situation...) and then it just kind of happened. Being that I don't want kids of my own, but also being that they're with us for so little of the time, I thought I could handle it... but I didn't anticipate how hard it was going to be even having them for a small amount of time. I find myself absolutely dreeeading it!!
Thank you for the advice and the welcome! I appreciate it!
Sorry, I stopped reading at
Sorry, I stopped reading at age and playing SM for 4 kids... teens incl
Why oh why...
then I went back and stopped reading at he moved in with you....
Hon final red flag for me, this is a man probably older then you and he can't afford a house for his 4 kids to live in?
Seriously run like hell, find a nice 26 year old guy with no prior children or ex wives and live your life with allot of first moments...
It is true that love is not
It is true that love is not always enough. I would not waste another minute in this situation.
Your last 2 paragraphs says
Your last 2 paragraphs says it all.
If that is the way you feel, then this is not the situation for you.
The step life will not get any better as these kids get older.
Personally, if I were you, I would find someone closer to your own age and with no kids. Just because you love this man, doesn't mean he is the right person for you and you can and will fall in love with another man.
The tough part for you is
The tough part for you is going to be finding a way to convince yourself you made an innocent, idealistic decision that (only) 4 kids was manageable. Only the toughest most selfless people could handle that, and not likely with no child rearing experience beforehand.
You were 22 when you got into a FWB thing, and it's gradually morphed into the parasite moving his spawn into your home? See this for what it is: you are useful to him. Any idea why his marriage ended? Any independent confirmation of how he explains that?
I had a BF like that. He pretended for the first year that he has plenty of equity in his home, and that his kids were independent. Then gradually things changed, he lent the kids all his money, and had exactly 20k equity left in the house. I realised that I was his retirement plan. So, I just ended it.
These guys can be a lot of fun, sexy, entertaining. They are hard to give up. But, he must be considerably older than you...do not let him waste these precious years for you. You say you don't want kids, but, don't say never since your bio clock may kick in some day. And you deserve someone your own age who has lots of time and money to make a life with you instead of from you. And if you truly don't want kids, then get this bunch out.
First of all, I could have
First of all, I could have written these words myself:
"What doesn't help is that their BM is totally hopeless with parenting. She does nothing at all, doesn't make them use manners, doesn't make them do any kind of chores, which means that when they come to us, everything that we've tried to teach them has gone out the window. It's the most frustrating thing in the world."
The situation I found myself in was exactly the same in terms of the BM, and that was just with one child so I'm amazed you've made it this far with FOUR (and even when you don't want your own children). You deserve a genuine applause for that.
You say that he lives with you, so does that mean you both live in a house you paid for? I just wanted clarification because there is no reason you should have this situation thrust upon you in a house you worked so hard to make your own. How old is your other half? Again just out of interest as your sentiments seem similar to mine with regards to step children and was wondering if our situations were quite similar (I'm 25 & my ex other half was 42).
You need to have a really long think about whether you can envision this happening for another 5, 10, even 30 years because the kids arent going to go away and neither is the feckless bio mother. Nevermind about life being too short, life is TOO LONG to feel this way every single day of it - can you put yourself and your gut through that every day for however long?
If you are looking for permission to leave him & a sign that you are still a strong person even if you "give up" on this situation, then I will give you it. You are strong whatever you decide to do. Leaving does not make you a bad person. I went through these awful feelings of not being able to parent the skid how I wanted to parent & my other half didn't seem to have a clue how to parent (didn't get the kid to brush teeth or wash, didn't set boundaries or anything for fear of p*ssing his 7 year-old kid off) & neither did the BM have a clue.
Not to make YOUR post about myself or my situation (sorry) but I just wanted to provide a similar story and show that there is another option: you are allowed to leave if that is what you feel you really want.
You need to trust yourself to make the right decisions for your life. You're 26, a year or so older than me, you can do whatever the f*ck you want in life. Do you want to be bogged down with this responsibility (that really you have no responsibility for - they are not your kids, you didn't choose to bring them into the world) or do you want to have your peaceful life back where you can take time to reflect on what you want in life and do some self-care, instead of focusing all of your energy on FIVE other people? (Seriously I applaud you for this, but you are allowed to make decisions that are right for YOU).
Sorry for the ranting, rambling post, I just recognise a lot of myself in this and my last, last, last two cents is this:
You need to live your life for you. Not some (possibly older?) bloke who has decided to move in with you as a convenience & burden you with his four children. Please, please trust your gut. It'll be the best thing you've ever decided to do.