How does your husband or wife handle EX SPOUSE'S Gifts for Birthday/Holidays with the kids?
How does your husband or wife handle EX SPOUSE'S Birthday/Holiday with the kids?
My husband feels the need to take the step kids shopping to get a gift for their mother for Birthday/Christmas...etc. I think that her current husband should be doing this with the kids. It's not my husbands place anymore to buy things for his ex. The children do not spend their own money. They get allowance they could use on the gifts... but My husband would be spending our money on her not their allowance. I don't have a problem with him having the children make something for their mother. But, I don't think he should be purchasing gifts for her. She guilts my husband info it saying "oh, the children are sad they didn't get to buy me anything for my Birthday." IDK why her husband can't take them to the store and pick something out for them. My husband things he doesn't want to step on his toes. I told him he should talk to him about it and turn over these things to her new man. His ex cheated on my DH with her new man. He sure wasn't concerned about stomping on my DH's heart! ~ so I doubt he would be concerned about stepping on his toes and taking the children to pick out a gift for her.
Part of the reason I am meh about all of this is my DH has never took the step kids to pick out a gift for me for my birthday or Christmas... etc. So, I guess part of me is jealous that he wants to make holiday's from the kids special for her but not for me. Not that I feel I need gifts. It's the point of it all. And yes, I know she is their mother... but, I should be acknowledged as a special person in their life.
So with that ramble... I feel like this "shopping trip" with the kids should be passed on to her new husband. Not my husbands place anymore. And Again.. I don;t have a problem with them making something for her at all. Thoughts? How do you handle these situations?
Neither of us shop for our
Neither of us shop for our ex's. BM never did it and nor did my husband. She had a new partner from the day of their break up and it was felt that he should handle birthdays and holidays.
Think of it this way.... it's
Think of it this way.... it's your husband's job to teach his kids to respect their mother. It's not the step dad's job to teach your husband's kids to respect their mother.
Just like it's not your job to teach his kids to respect him... it's the mom's job; in other words, it's just as appropriate for her to buy something for your DH from the kids.
I agree with you that he should not be using your combined money on it, though - if he's not using the kids' allowance money, he should be using his own.
Don't get me wrong.... I'm on board with your feelings - I'd be hella hurt if SO got his ex-witch something for a day important to her, but didn't bother getting me something for a day important to me.
On the same token, they have no responsibility to acknowledge you as a special person in their life, because if you break it down, you're not - you're a special person in their father's life.
I think having them make
I think having them make something for her is perfectly fine. Buying something for HER is not necessary. It makes me feel like my DH is buying her a gift from him I guess. And buying something for HER and NOT me FROM the step kids for Holidays is teaching them what about ME? That I don't matter? That's sure how it makes me feel.
No he does not take them to
No he does not take them to get me anything. I talked to him about it. and he said he has and I said name ONE thing the children have given me and he could not. It hurts. He said he will make sure they do something for me on Holidays... But for years they have not and now it's forced because I have to tell him I should be included... not left out
The ages are 8 and 12
The ages are 8 and 12
Does she take the kids
Does she take the kids shopping and spend money to buy HIM presents?
If the answer is NO, then you have your decision right there.
I think it's ok for a parent to help their young child by a present for the other parent. I am talking very young.. and token gift, not anything substantial. Once the kid has money of their own, parent can facilitate the shopping trip but doesn't pay.
Once the kids are buying stuff for themselves on their own as teens, they can handle it all.
Sorry I feel this is
Sorry I feel this is jealousy,
Your skids does not have to get you anything, you are not their mother, just as they do not have to get their SF anything. Your husband is responsible for teaching his kids, it's mum's birthday/mothers day get her something and if they are still young he can take them to the shops, let them choose and pay for what ever they want to get their mother, it's not the SF's responsibility... just as it's not your responsibility to take skids to get something for their father.
DH can always play BM's game and tell her skids feel bad cause they did not get me anything for my birthday.
Always keep in mind, regardless how BM got her new husband, he's in the same boat as you, simply a step parent and does not have to do things for the children.
I never assisted Aergia in getting BM anything or SO for that matter, if her mother did not give her money to buy her father something it is not my problem, nothing at all... she's not my kid and not my responsibility...
LF, I would go further and
LF, I would go further and say that her DH does not take in her efforts either in the way that she hopes he would.
She's entitled to feel that
She's entitled to feel that way.... but....at the same time... she's in their life only because of their father. She's someone special in HIS life. Not theirs. She's only in their life by default...and maybe they don't feel she is special.
I totally get the feelings of being unappreciated... I do. She's expecting the same acknowledgement from the kids as the parents...and is being hurt, because that acknowledgement is not being extended. I totally get the feeling.
Dad should teach them to treat you with respect, yes....but that does not equate to being treated on an even level as a parent. You are not.
You should be treated with the same respect one would show an aunt... and guaranteed, dad wouldn't be taking the kids out shopping for a birthday gift for an aunt.
Either way, it's sad.... I feel for you, because quite often I feel the same. I act like the mother. I do the mother things. But I'm not appreciated like one, and it sucks.
I don't believe it's fair to
I don't believe it's fair to have someone acting like a mother to your kids, but not expecting yourself or your kids to show appreciation for that. That's a pretty crappy way to be, if you ask me.
DH knows I put a lot of effort into the "mother" role in our household so he appreciates it and he makes sure his daughter appreciates it. Stepparents deserve the same acknowledgement, quite honestly. If you don't want to acknowledge them, you better make sure you're doing ALL the parenting and work surrounding raising your kids.
If they ever decide they don't want to appreciate me simply because I didn't give birth, fine, I'll take back any contributions I make to the household and they can work it out themselves.
I'm all for appreciating the person who brought you into this world, but that doesn't mean you get to neglect the one who pays for everything, takes care of you, and does everything for you.
I agree Lf - I use to buy for
I agree Lf - I use to buy for Aergia but I stopped - this has nothing to do with buying for skids, OP gets upset cause her husband goes with his children to get their mother a gift... she wants the SF to handle this...
and it's not SF's responsibility IMO
We never did this. If SS had
We never did this. If SS had wanted to get gifts for his SpermClan we would have taken him shopping and paid for it.... but.... he never even asked.
See in our family it gets
See in our family it gets weird.
For Mother's Day SO takes SD7 to get something for BM2 but does not take SS12 to get something for BM1 (mainly because BM1 has basically abandoned SS12 at this point and SO hates her, he does not hate BM2 even though BM2 has straight up told me she hates SO).
My Mother's Day gifts came from SO. BD2 made something with her Day Care Provider and SS12 gave me a plant he got a school and made a card on his own accord.
The way he explains it is that not so much about making BM2 feel good on whatever day, it's more about spending time with SD reminding her to appreciate her mom. BM2 seems to reciprocate this on Father's Day and Christmas only. SO refused to call BM and wish her a happy birthday when I reminded him last month because she didn't have SD call him on his birthday.
It's just one of those weird things, but if it makes you feel slighted, why don't you just tell him that?
I did tell him and he said No
I did tell him and he said No the kids have got you gifts ~ I said name one! He could not. Because they never have.
I put up there ~ I admit It
I put up there ~ I admit It is a bit of jealousy... and for sure it makes me always felt left out/not important.
There is nothing wrong with
There is nothing wrong with telling him that hun. If we don't communicate exactly what we mean then we waste a lot of time and emotion trying to help them figure it out. Just be calm about it.
I have told him all of this
I have told him all of this and how I feel about it all. He told me he they have bought me gifts in the past and I said NAME ONE! he could not... and he said he will make sure the kids shop for a gift for me from now on. He said he will have them make something for her and give it to her late but thinks it's easier to just buy her something.
The 1st Christmas we were together ~ We all went shopping for her gift. I was fine with it. The kids had trouble picking out a gift. After an hour in the department store with the kids at a loss... my husband did it for them ~ Husband spend over a $100 on Jewelry for her from the kids. Real Gold Necklace and charm. They were marred for 10 years. When she opened the gift she told the kids she was allergic to the metal and she could not wear it. That was a total lie. She was not allergic for 10 years and all the sudden when she gets this gift that she knew I went shopping with the kids to get. She can't wear it. So after that I said Fine. She complains about your bought gift ~ then the kids can make her a gift from now on. She can't be allergic to something hand made from the kids and I don't feel like YOU are buying a gift for HER. So for years they have been hand making gifts for her and actually skipped a few Birthdays making or buying her anything ~ until this one. She guilted my husband this year and said the kids are soooo sad they didn't buy her anything. URM K.
My DH has NEVER taken SD to
My DH has NEVER taken SD to buy gifts for BM. He takes her to buy gifts for me, though, because I am "mom" in our house. The way he sees it, SD has two families - our little trio and her/bm. He takes care of our little trio and that's it lol. I would be very upset if he did otherwise. I do a lot for my stepdaughter, so to me, I strongly feel I'M the one DH needs to recognize, not BM. If anything, I'm the one who remembers to do something for BM. I usually get craft stuff out and help my stepdaughter make her something. DH doesn't like it, but I think it's nice for her to recognize her birth mother too. Just not with our money
Exactly! I don't have a
Exactly! I don't have a problem with them making something for her. It's spending our money on her and the fact that I'm tossed to the side and don't matter. I honestly believe my husband doesn't do anything for me to appease Bio. She would be furious. And she drills the kids about everything and anything so she has something... anything... to yell at DH about. She hates anything that has to do with me. I am the one that Bio does not want the step kids going to the store or a park with me without DH. I have posted about this ~ Bio has asked us not to cook chicken for dinner because she plans on making chicken the next night she has the kids. VERY CONTROLLING BIO. BIO causes Chaos in our life any chance she gets.
But it sounds like DH is
But it sounds like DH is letting her cause that chaos in your life? Either DH does everything for his kids and doesn't ask anything at all of you, or he puts BM in her place and lets you take on your role as stepmom. You can't be put in a constant state of limbo - getting yelled at for what you do and not being appreciated for it. That's not fair at all. You're either taking on the role or you're not. And if you're not, that means no money, favours, taking the kids to the store, nothing at all.
your line about cooking
your line about cooking chicken is extremely familiar... did you have another user name before?
On that note, I cook whatever
On that note, I cook whatever the hell I want to cook in my household. It's not like I sit there waiting until I can enjoy the hassle of cooking dinner for 3 people, so everyone shuts up and eats what they're given haha quite honestly I wouldn't let ANYONE dictate what I cook in MY household under any circumstances. They'd be cooking for themselves (or better yet, eating ramen noodles because DH doesn't like to cook) lol
I cook what ever the skids
I cook what ever the skids hates to eat...... }:)
SO never cooks and keeps his mouth shut cause he knows, one word and I stop...... more skid complains more I cook what she hates }:) thus bread and ramen noodle for her for dinner and lunch and breakfast...
Exactly... It was HER trying
Exactly... It was HER trying to control what goes on in our house.... right down to what we eat. UNREAL!
DH didn't see it that way... I'm like WHO CARES IF THEY EAT CHICKEN TWO DAYS IN A ROW! I said "Did they not eat chicken two days in a row when you were married?" He said "no, I'm sure we did."
Well WHO CARES! There are so many ways to make chicken.
It was for sure a control thing.. and sadly it worked. DH listened to her and didn't make chicken a few times. Completely ridiculous!!!! I put a stop to that and almost every night before the kids go back to her.. I make SURE we have chicken.
No, same user name ~ it is
No, same user name ~ it is still on the site like a few months ago.
Uggggg. DH used to give the
Uggggg.
DH used to give the skids money at Christmas so that they could buy everyone presents.
DH and I would get candles and chocolates while BM got a new $700 blender! I pointed it out to him and he said he didn't care. It was all about The Season and It's better to give than receive.
We had a chat about how if it's about the spirit of Christmas then it's not about gifts at all! He'd been giving them $$ to buy gifts for years and just didn't want to rock the boat. He's not good with confrontation.
At some point SD and I were talking about gift giving and buying someone's love, we get along very well, she was talking about her friends expecting big wedding gifts.
I brought up Xmas and she got very sheepish. That year SD and SS told DH they didn't want his $$, they were old enough to pay for their own gifts. Both were adults but still in Uni.
She's a smart kid and isn't entitled, not sure how that happened because BM most definitely is.
The nice thing is that she understood what I was telling her and i wasn't the bad guy.
My SO had his kids use their
My SO had his kids use their own allowance money to get their BMs flowers for Mothers Day. That is exactly how it should be . He would rather die than spend his money on their BMs lol
I admit , I was a little hurt that I didn't even get so much as a card our first Xmas together . I felt unappreciated . BUT I blamed SO for not teaching his kids it's important to acknowledge people in your life ( no one got anything , not even grandparents ).
OP , your skids are old enough to understand and spend their own money on gifts for mommy. And the jewelry gift " from the kids "..gag me.... I'd be giving SO cold shoulder if he ever did that.
Gifts to parents from kids aren't supposed to be spectacular and expensive. It's the thought that counts. A handmade card or craft should be appreciated far more than a store purchase .
What is wrong with these men
:jawdrop: What is wrong with these men !?! I can only imagine the look on your face after he had the NERVE to ask you for gas money after buying his exWife a coach purse.
"I guess she thinks I have
"I guess she thinks I have plenty of money and I am just being selfish?" Oh well lol !
Wow you MIL sounds like a real piece of work! Just people you marry someone doesn't mean you are obligated to them financially in all matters.
I make a good living and I have been crystal clear with my SO that anything I decide to do is 100% my choice - I didn't make the skids and they are NOT my responsibility.
I guess I am " selfish " too lol
a coach purse??? Wtf??? I
:jawdrop: a coach purse??? Wtf??? I think the max DH ever allowed SS to spend on BM was $5! Clearance aisle at Walmart baby! Last year it was free. I got some fugly trinket through my works secret Santa that I had no desire to keep in my home, so into a gift bag it went
(UPDATE! Bio's Birthday was
(UPDATE! Bio's Birthday was last week.) Bio's Husband contacted my husband and asked if he minded if he took the kids shopping for a Birthday Gift for their mom. I'M SURE HE GOT SICK OF HEARING HER COMPLAIN THE KIDS DIDN'T BUY ME ANYTHING... BOO HOO WOE IS ME... BLAH BLAH BLAH ~ As my husband has been guilted by his EX every day before and after her Birthday.
She just wants gifts and is so selfish.
So glad the purchase is being paid for by HER husband... NOT US!
https://www.chumplady.com/201
https://www.chumplady.com/2013/11/dear-chump-lady-gifts-for-my-cheating-...
This is a GREAT READ and EXACTLY how I feel about the situation. When DH gives BIO gifts I feel they are from HIM and I think his EX does also. When BIO gives the kids gifts for MY DH they are ALWAYS things SHE picked out or SHE made for him. NOT THE KIDS. I feel like she is giving the gift to him, Not the kids at all. And A reminder of "Remember your family? We still remember YOU! Don’t you miss us?” That’s why I think you need to take yourself completely out of the equation."
MY FAV PARTS OF ARTICLE...
"But the kids! Maybe it was a tradition to buy presents for daddy together? That tradition dies. You’re divorced. It’s one more thing your kids are going to have to grieve thanks to infidelity. So make a new tradition. Go buy some toys for the Toys for Tots charity. Bake cookies. Take up wassailing."
"Here’s my story on that. My first divorce wasn’t over infidelity and my creepy ex would buy me gifts through my son — and I felt hugely manipulated and grossed out. My son saw the gift as from him, and I saw it as something my creepy ex-husband bought. Then I had a 5-year old asking me “Don’t you want to wear the silver bracelet I gave you?” And it was up to me to untangle all of that. I saw the gifts (which went on for YEARS and were also sent to my family) as manipulative. As a way for my ex to make his presence known where it was not wanted. It felt like he was triangulating my son into some weird unrequited courtship. It was fucking AWKWARD. An unpleasant feeling that I’m sure my ex intended. (Consider also that these gifts were sent during the same years he was suing me.)
I got put in the position of if I rejected the gift, I was rejecting my son, hurting his feelings.
Now, back to your original question. In the case of infidelity, if you give the gifts through the children, I think that is a form of the pick me dance — only with little proxy dancers. “Remember your family? We still remember YOU! Don’t you miss us?” That’s why I think you need to take yourself completely out of the equation. If Johnny and Suzy want to remember Dad at the holidays, they do it with their pocket money, their pipe cleaners and glitter glue. If they ask, you say “Hey I don’t give your dad presents, that’s not appropriate as we’re divorced. But if you want to make him something, that’s great. Go right ahead.”
You couldn't GIVE my DH money
You couldn't GIVE my DH money to buy a Tic Tac for BioHo. They split up when the skids were 12, 9, 6, and 3. Grandparents can encourage them to make homemade cards.
LOL
LOL
The money y'all have is a
The money y'all have is a joint resource, so whatever he spends is your'alls money. I think the kids should make something. It can be done inexpensively, and it requires them to do some work, so kinda earn it in a way. BM should appreciate the effort they made, the quality of the gift shouldn't matter, most parents treasure something personal made for them by their kids. She'd be a butthole to complain.
They are never too old to do make gifts. Heck, I still make tins of cookies or fudge every year for my neighbors at xmas time, and they LOVE it, more than they would yet another candy dish or whatever.
They can make a craft or a foodsomething easily.
100% agree.
100% agree.
I forgot to mention, bonus if
I forgot to mention, bonus if your BM is a hateful bitch and gets steamed when she finds out YOU had a hand in making her gift. Ours did and said she never wanted anything else "EVER AGAIN!!!!"
Heh.
lol - ditto. I helped the kid
lol - ditto.
I helped the kid make salt dough ornaments around Christmas... some "ornaments" that the kid colored on, and a hand print I painted for SO.
I wrapped them both up and sent the kid packing with the box of ornaments when he was returned to his mom's house. SO told me she said Thank you, that was nice of me... next text was about how I shouldn't be making crafts with the kid.
I have - I just haven't sent any her way. SO gets dinky craft projects all the time. We have an art wall where stuff is hung up and switched out now and then... from ayone who wants to contribute...which really means the kid and my youngest.
oops
oops
LOL ... I like you! Oh our
LOL ... I like you!
Oh our Bio hates me and doesn't even know me. She cheated on My DH with her new man (Happened to be my DH's Best Friend at the time) and he was also married. She now has two kids with HIM. She broke up two marriages. I came long after... So what the hate for me? It only makes things more difficult for everyone. She picked the life she is in. She can't stand that the kids enjoy spending time with me. Gets mad at them. It all just hurts the kiddos. It's very sad.
We waited almost a year before I even met the kids. I offered to have coffee with her before I even met the kids. (I would want to know who my children were spending time with.) She refused. She moved her married bf in the day my husband left. She told my DH (her's at the time) that she wanted to be with the new guy not her husband. It's something you would see on Jerry Springer! She's CLEARLY a CLASSY LADY!
Even though she picked him over my DH ~ I don't think she can let go. She can't go a day without talking to him. Rambles on about the kids and what they did for the day... Texts DH for stupid things just to try to get his attention. Most convos are about the kids. You can make anything about the kids... Just to make convo. I think she is unhappy and lonely in her new relationship. But, I don't feel sorry for her. She will most likely cheat on her man and he will cheat on her. If he/she cheated on their spouse that means they will not think twice about cheating on each other.
Ours has no filter either.
Ours has no filter either. She went off on SD for giving her the fudge we made together. It doesn't even register with SD what a troll her mom is. I don't get it. Her mom literally told her we are not allowed to have fun together. That's love for you. If you're a narcissist.
Bio made the kids throw out
Bio made the kids throw out the Easter Eggs we made one year all together and the kids wanted to bring some to Bio's House to show her. She told the kids we made them wrong and they smelled back and were spoiled eggs. They were not. We would never send rotten eggs with the kids. I really didn't think anything of it that she would be upset at all.
If I would of known It was going to piss her off... I would of sent more eggs with them
.. LOL
They made her hand painted
They made her hand painted ornaments for Christmas. My DH wrapped them for her ~ because he knew If I wrapped them she would know because he sucks at wrapping and I don't... and he knew she would get all kinds of pissy if I did. He didn't think about it... and wrapped them in "HO HO HO" paper. He's not a mean guy... I know he didn't think about it. I was DYING laughing and I left the room... I let him wrap them and didn't say a word. It still makes me SMILE. lol
lol, ho ho ho
lol, ho ho ho
I don't know about yours, but
I don't know about yours, but ours is a greedy, materialistic tool. BM had SD for $$$. She wouldn't be against receiving a gift if it was up to her standards.
The ONE time we asked SD what her mom wanted for her birthday, she said, "A diamond necklace," with absolutely zero hesitation. She'd been prepped. AYFKM? So we got her a beaded-necklace-making-kit for them to do together.
Psychopaths are not sentimental, and they are frequently incredibly lazy, so she hates doing stuff with her.
So we told SD, "She's YOUR mom, not OURS. Gifts to HER should come from YOU, not US. From now on you can make something for her, so she knows it's from you, and you were thinking of her."
But the gifts SD makes for her are not up to her standards.
Although nothing surprises me
Although nothing surprises me with BIO or what she gets pissy about... This is the same woman got upset that I bought a booster seat for their daughter so we didn't have to move my DH's from his car to mine... (BF at the time) so she would be safe in my car and It seemed easier to have one for each car.
I was not trying to step on anyone's toes... Just making our life more convenient for us.
My DH (BF at the time) was screamed at for weeks for that. How I'm not her mother so I shouldn't be buying car seats for her. LOL ~ OK CRAZY LADY. SO SORRY... I WANT THE KIDDO SAFE! I'm like ~ well I'll take it back and she can BUY one for MY car if she wants... Since she is their mother. Fine with me. LOL
This is the kind of irrational BIO we have to deal with.
here's a couple
here's a couple questions:
why does she know that you bought a car seat?
why does she know that you have it in your car?
why does she know that you drive SD around?
if the answer to any of those is that she was told, then you may have found a solution to a large chunk of the problem
Step Daughter told her. Bio
Step Daughter told her. Bio drills the kids about everything. Can't keep much from Bio. But... over the years ~ I think the children have learned to tell BIO less to avoid conflicts. I know she drills because I have heard her on the phone with the kids at our house. She has the kids facetime her every night they stay with us. So it's on speaker. I'm not always near them but sometimes I am in the room... I hear her. "What did you do today?" "What did you eat?" "Who was with you?" "Where did you go after that." "Were you left alone with step mom?" "I see your wearing makeup. ~ Who put that on you?" "Did you read a book for goodnight? Who read it with you?"
It's not just her asking nicely about their day. It's DRILLING. Very sad. Then comes. "Ok let me talk to your dad." Then she yells at him for anything and everything she can.