There's no magic secret to dealing with a difficult ex except to truly understand and accept that the only thing you can control is your reaction.

You and your fiancé just need to work out what the boundaries are (ie what you will and won't accept) and then communicate to the ex and stick to them consistently. You also have to ensure you have realistic expectations - ie putting in new boundaries will initially make things worse and your ex is likely to react very badly. She's also likely to push back against them for a very long time before she eventually settles down.

My DH's ex is used to control, especially when it comes to the men in her life so when she lost control of DH and he ended the relationship she reacted VERY badly even though the writing had been on the wall a very long time. Everything BM did was about making DH pay for leaving her and attempting to control every aspect of separated life. So the first 3-4 years were truly hell because DH was constantly pushing for clear and consistent boundaries on custody, costs and all other aspects of trying to co-parent. She also reacted very badly to me entering the scene and interacting with the skids and tried to control what I could and couldn't do in my own house.

The long and short of it is that DH set the boundaries and then reinforced them through consistent behaviour and messaging and eventually she got the point of acceptance but it took a long time and involved a lot of crazy behaviour and anger at her end as well as a few sessions of mediation.

From my perspective the mediation was the most helpful part as it forced BM to moderate her usual crazy, angry behaiviour and act reasonable (which she's not usually) so via that we were able to achieve equal custody and finally shut down her attempts to control my role.

You can control your Ex's behavior by making it loud and clear, you are only available for children emergencies, not day to day things, and if she tries talking about other stuff, you have to be firm and tell her NO...

He says he is using his fiancé's account. The fiancé is smart, "my fiancé is threatening to leave me bc I've failed to set boundaries." Thanks to Steptalk, she knows what is in store for her if she puts up with her husband-to-be acting like a wimp with his wife. Manipulative, controlling BM and weak, enabling DH = Step Hell.

No woman wants to be with a man who let's his ex- control his life and therefore his ex- winds up controlling hers as well. Think about it, if the situation was reversed, would you want to be with a woman who dropped everything every time her ex- called? This has nothing to do with the children. It has to do with you, as your finance stated so well, setting boundaries. And you are the one who needs to do this. Your fiancé was not involved in your divorce (I assume). This is your issue to take by the horns and control. Just because she knew you were divorced and had children when she met you doesn't mean she has to put up with any divorce fallout or standby while you let your ex- control both of your lives.

I admit it is difficult for divorced dads too, especially since from the sounds of it, your ex- is or will be working on PAS'ing the kids against you (and your fiancé) in the near future if not already. But, you do have power. Unless it is to do with the children, no more involvement with your ex-. Your ex- may not like your fiancé "acting like a mom," but apparently your ex- has no problem trying to act like she is still your wife, and you are letting her get away with this. No woman wants to be married to a man with two wives, basically, where the ex- is wife #1 and she is #2.

No, maybe you cannot control your ex-, but stop trying to control her. Your ex- will try to control you and your finance, and your ex- may even succeed at controlling her children. BUT, YOU can still not control her. YOU can only control your actions. Speak with her only about the children. If she tries to whine or bring up other things, tell her, "I'm going to hang-up/walk out now, this doesn't involve the children." Don't wimp out. Remind her and your children that your fiancé is soon to be your wife and you expect her to be treated as such, dad's wife.

I guess you have two choices. You can either wind up like a lot of men on these pages, basically being pussy whipped by your ex- and having no problem letting your new spouse feel like sloppy seconds, resulting in everyone in the household being miserable, and who wouldn't be. Or, you can man up, and put your foot down with your ex- and anyone who tries to act like you and your spouse are not a couple and have no right to be together. It really is not that difficult. Just say "NO," and mean NO.

Didn't read everyone else's comments, so this may have bee said.

You didn't set boundaries. My husband went through this crap at the beginning of our relationship. Bottom line is that he allowed it to happen. After we had kids of our own, I told him flat out it was her or me.

The controlling lunatic was not capable of coparenting. So, my husband manned up, realized that appeasing her was only adding fire to her fuel. He simply told her that he would no longer respond to her, and dropped the mike.

Your gf will walk away, and why wouldn't she. What woman wants their Prince Charming's balls in someone else's purse. And please don't say you doing it for your kids. Do you think it is healthy for them to see their dysfunctional cheating mom cuckhold their father.

^^^^THIS^^^^^

I totally agree. I have tried to explain this very thing to my DH so many times it is crazy. And for the OP.....My DH has three sons. They have witnessed their BM run over DH, treat him horribly, lie to him, and basically run his life. And the SS's have ZERO respect for DH. They don't care about him, don't listen to him and don't treat him with any respect at all. And I have said all along it is because he has allowed BM to run over him while he does nothing. They can't respect a man who doesn't act like a man.

Get your balls back OP....It affects more than just your fiancé.

It seems this emotional enmeshment with your ex (or are you divorced yet?) has been going on for awhile. I'm surprised samara has put up with it this long.

Mr. Samara,

I think it's great you came here. Your problem is a very common one. So you are not alone. Please consider that your ex-wife trained you a certain way during the years you were with her. Remember trying to avoid making her mad and a thousand other ways you altered your own behavior and viewpoint to "get along" with her? Well, that was dysfunction.

Your new lady is a dose of normalcy in your life. So do not try to bend her into the dysfunction that was designed by your ex-wife. I think many of us here have compassion for the abuse our spouses took in their first marriages. It shows up in the lack of confidence, the hyper-vigilance, the habitual acquiescence. We have compassion but we do not want to be dragged down by that same undertow.

When ex tries to usurp your wife's spot at the ballet you tell bm your wife is expected and to please find her own seat. At such events my dh actually scouts out a spot where she can't possibly sit with us. If we are all forced together, he makes sure the kids are between them and usually me, too. So they are never sitting together.

When she wants to chat, you say "I've got to go now" and hang up.

Consider getting the Our Family Wizard app to minimize all communication with her. Tell bm it's a way to make sure you each see important messages about the kids and otherwise can focus on your own lives.

Thanks for coming here and best of luck as you try out this new way of life.

P.S. Yes, these very same issues will come up with any woman you try to date.

I've been thinking coparenting was about everyone getting along but see that this might be unrealistic

It's unrealistic if your ex wife continually crosses boundaries and personal/emotional space, instead of just co-parenting. It does work for some but it doesn't sound like it will work for you and your ex.

Great post Sue!