"I am biting my tongue." Are you still laughing? SD is working really fast at digging her own hole. She's assuming things without checking them out TACTFULLY first. Suggestion: disengage and let DH handle all communications with the Skids. This means any and all acknowledgement - birthdays, Christmas, weddings, etc. Don't engage in discussions about skids with DH. If he brings them up let him talk for a few minutes before changing the subject. It is only a matter of time before DH gets tired of trying to satisfy SD and accept her rudeness.

"Thank you, I guess. I don't like your gifts but I appreciate the sentiment." What a classy SD you have. Yikes...and I wonder what she expected you to get her for Christmas? Make sure DH picks out all the gifts for his family moving forward.

I agree with everything Sandye21 says above. Do not try to make this adult daughter happy or win her approval. There is nothing you could do that will succeed.

Keep biting your tongue with DH. Just focus on your marriage, and accept it's likely going to be without SD28 as part of the family unless she grows up quite a bit and stops thinking of her father as a possession that she lost control of.

Just write her off and ignore her.

Ignore both SDs, let your husband deal with them.

Why did she think the gifts were from you? What did your husband say about her tacky, "Thank you"?

I am pretty indifferent to my SD26. I have signed birthday cards when DH asked me to, but really, I just feel like she is his to deal with and I stopped making an effort a long time ago. I have no emotional attachment, or investment in her, and don't care to.

Everything SA wrote.

The only thing I *might* do differently would be to buy the same gifts for SD's if I wanted to buy gifts, and expect the one SD to throw it out. For the first 5 or so years, I did not buy or sign a thing for SD. It wasn't until I had my own children (SD was 20 when our first was born) that I started buying Christmas gifts for SD. I did it with the attitude that if she didn't like something, I didn't care. I bought the items for myself (meaning I got the joy out of buying and giving and understood she might not appreciate it.)

In your case, I would back off completely. Your SD sounds horrible.

As for thank you cards from weddings, I'm finding it more and more common for couples to not send thank you cards. I don't agree with it, but it's happened to us. Ridiculous.

Bopeeps, Congrats on your recent marriage.

My thoughts after reading this: Your SD is incredibly ungrateful and selfish. Here you and your DH are trying to do something nice and send her gifts while on your honeymoon and for Christmas and she comes back with those responses. She does not have any manners. She sounds just like my YSD 30's who made fun of our wedding invitations, threw out our gifts and showed up to our wedding reception after it was almost over only to try and cause trouble while she was there. The oldest SS refused to attend. I wonder if these self-entitled adult steps come from the same mold. You would think they might be happy their parent is happy and has found love. Oh no, they expect my DH to be alone the rest of his life, unhappy and to at their beckon call.

Suggestions: I would never get a gift for her again for any occasion. I use to take it personally, but soon realized the steps are going to treat any woman my DH married the same way. Just ignore her and do not go out of your way for her. She does not deserve any gifts from anyone acting like a spoiled eight year-old. Don't bite your tongue. I don't. It is healthy to vent sometimes instead of keeping it bottled up inside.

Good luck,

I don't know what trinkets you sent them, but that was a mistake for many reasons.

Most people don't want to accumulate stuff like mugs and teeshirts that will never be used.

They definitely didn't want a reminder of your wedding and honeymoon arriving in the mail, it's a sore subject.

I would venture to say people don't want to display or wear souvenirs from places they've never been, often with the name of the location written on it. Even though it has sentimental value to you, it doesn't have even that to them.

I get quality items. Often a handcrafted item from the natives of that country. These things are so unique that people are delighted to see them. We will often bring an empty suitcase along, and pack very light ourselves, since I usually live in a swimsuit and sundress most of the time while on vacation. Then I wait until birthdays and Christmas to give out these gifts.

When my first husband got remarried, our sons were only 12 and 15 and they were never invited to come along on any trips with him. Instead, our oldest son was used for a ride to the airport and back. Then, my kids would bring home trinkets from their dad's exotic trips in the form of mugs, teeshirts, and they would accumulate in my house. Tacky stuff. It was just one more reminder of how little he valued his children to give them a few cheap mementos of a place they will never be allowed to go.

Forward to a happier time, and now my adult sons have their own beautiful wives and children and can make new memories. Today I am going to babysit 3 of the grandkids so that my son and his wife can revisit their honeymoon location.

Time, and being filled with happy new memories can have a healing effect on all of us that were shattered by the departure of their dad, (my ex-husband).

Another policy that I learned is, never give ornaments. I once gave a beautiful copper crafted ornament to a co-worker at a gift exchange and she was actually mad, not grateful. People often don't want to junk up their tree either with other people's tastes.

Having said that, they should have politely thanked you, even though the gifts were not to their liking.

Love it or hate it, if someone thinks to give you a gift, you thank them. The average 8 year old can grasp that concept. Think of all the money you'll save since you'll no longer be buying ANYTHING for this cretin.

What is your DH doing about all this?

My adult SD cried to her father when he told her we were getting married. SHE would take care of him. (He was mid-50s when we married and quite healthy, but she was sure he was marrying me for help in his old age.) DH sat her down and gently set her straight. She was still a bit defiant at our rehearsal dinner and cried on our wedding day, but she has acknowledged that her father is happy. She and I are cordial, sometimes even friendly.

There have been several other incidents over the years where SD has tried to insert herself into decisions that DH and I were making, from paint colors for the bathroom to the name of our new dog. I ignore. DH has said more than once that he is perfectly capable of making his own decisions and to back off of things that don't affect her. That's not to say that he's perfect -- he still caters to his kids too much for my liking, but that's on him and I'm out of it if it doesn't affect me.

But your DH needs to take the lead in this.

since your husband did not stop this right away BEFORE the marriage, YOU may want to consider having this annulled.

Ask yourself, is this how I want to live MY life until I am dead?

Not sure why you both got them gifts after they way they treated you.

That's VERY ODD>

SS's entitled GF asked us for a Keurig for her birthday. Entitled little bitch didn't get one. That was a couple of years ago when she'd only been dating SS a few months.

I just cant take this anymore.

WHY on earth do some families put up with this, is WAY beyond me.

And The dysfunction is maddening.

Adult kids treating their parents like dirt. TAKE A DARN HIKE is what should be said.
But nooooooooooo, here little grown snowflake LET me kiss your rear till death do I part and beyond that toooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Is bringing home souvenirs for grown ass kids who skip your wedding a thing now?

Walkonby

Must be the new thing......

WHERE IS THE EYEball roll key.

some skids are just entitled brats. this extends into adulthood.

disengage and let them dig their own holes.

I wouldn't call my ornament tacky, it was a beautiful Swarovski Crystal ornament in the $50-$60 dollar range. But still, it was an unwanted gift to my SD.
She didn't want to display a reminder of me, or my taste in her home, since she never wanted a step mother in the first place.

Now, of course, we just get her things from her "list", which is a whole other kind of tacky. At least she has paired it down from 15 items long. Now she knows she will only get the one big item on it. I'm not about to go shopping all over town for a 37 year old at Christmas, and her dad certainly isn't either, when there are 10 grandchildren between us.

Sometimes when I read a thread, I can understand a stepchild's/adults point of view because I know how my own children felt at the time they were going through it. Just like in the china/wedding present thread awhile back, people were bashing the stepdaughter because she had some expensive taste in china pattern on her gift registry.

Oh, the fallout from my being able to see the SD's point of view a little.

Today my older sister is returning from a trip to Vegas. She knows if she brings me any Elvis memorabilia it won't see the light of day in my house.
She loves the stuff.

I also had a co-worker that traveled the globe and brought back little trinkets from her trips to us "her family" at the office, since she was never married and no kids. I think she got enjoyment out of buying them, even though she herself, would not likely keep them.

Etiquette is a huge pet peeve of mine. I found out the hard way of how trashy my skids and their wives are. OSDIL came to my wedding with no gift, and also to my house warming party- no gift. She threw her own babyshowers, I could go on and on..so now I am smart enough to disengage from anything with them. DH can do it all.

StepAside is right, is not a lack of knowledge. Rather, a choice to never like the SM regardless of what she does or who she is.... I believe there may be some truly wicked SM's, but I feel the majority of the SM's here-- honesty wanted the best intentions to be included as a positive and welcomed additional limb on the family tree. A dream most never realize, it appears, for whatever reason(s), and it could be about anything (gifts, weather, texts, recipes, cat toenails, etc. etc.)...anything is a reason and another opportunity to demonstrate nonacceptance of SM, if the SM continues the interaction with Step adults who have a goal- to ruin the marriage.

I decided I could be part of the problem (keep trying to accomplish the impossible with zero support from DH), or part of the solution (let these relationships totally die out of my life). The later is much more peaceful for me now and I for once I am considered, if only by me...LOL. You still think about what is happening behind your back; my self talk and ST has helped me deal with those thoughts that do not matter long-term; I cannot make anybody do anything, including my DH...so, if he cannot step up to being a real father and husband, he really leaves me no alternative. I am pleased I only spent a few years wasting my time and resources trying to fit in with people who will never accept me. I think the sooner you realize what is happening in your life, and take back control...the less resentment you harbor over being "used."

Gifts, you will NEVER get right, if you gifted the moon it would be of issue...just stop, my advise. You have to know when to throw in the towel; I think that is harder for achieving women. We are taught if we work hard at something, it will work out.... In the case of step adults (kids), this rule rarely applies.

For xmas this year, SD is getting nothing from me.

When she gets a little older, she will receive Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life,
Mothers Who Can't Love: A Healing Guide for Daughters, and
You're Not Crazy - It's Your Mother: Understanding and Healing for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers.

Here is an interesting article on etiquette: http://emilypost.com/advice/the-principles-of-etiquette/

Since each family situation is different, I can assure anyone my adult steps, (I call them adult steps or skids in this forum, as the appropriate terms for them would not be nice), are quite lacking in the etiquette dept. Showing respect is part of proper etiquette. They have shown ZERO respect for me, DH and my family. I don't know why and I don't care why. I was was nice to them from the get-go, with the exception of telling off the YSD when she called me every nasty name in the world and made a rude remark about my mother. These skids have been extremely disrespectful to my DH too. They've had more than plenty enough time to accept the fact Dadee is not going to sit in his rocking chair, be miserable and cater to their every whim. Dadee wants to enjoy his life and spend some time with his wife on occasion. Oh, that is such a bad thing. Oh, those poor skids. Well, tough bleep. The skids should of treated Dadee with RESPECT and not like an ATM machine. Now that DH basically ignores them, they do not contact him unless they need a gift for a gskid or money.

Now, my DH and I are just socially polite to them if we ever have to be near them. We try to avoid them like the plague. I guess you can say my DH and I have both disengaged from them. We were raised differently - to respect our parents and be polite when you are given a gift even if you do not like it or the person who gave it to you. I say stop giving them gifts if they cannot display proper etiquette upon receiving them. You will save money that way.

The more I read and learn from this site, the more I notice there is a serious lack of respect, empathy and regard for many stepparents and their families. I sure wish I came across this site ten years ago. It really is a great place to vent, learn and share experiences.

"But etiquette also expresses something more, something we call “the principles of etiquette.” Those are consideration, respect, and honesty. These principles are the three qualities that stand behind all the manners we have."

This excerpt from the Emily Post link above speaks volumes. It describes what my SD is lacking. I have seen her rude behavior time and time again and not just to me, although I'm targeted more than anyone. I know she is capable of acting appropriately when the mood strikes her.

What amazes me is, she has gone a year without saying hello, goodbye or thank you to me, but now that I have stopped making the effort, I heard from DH that she e-mailed him to point out that the last time we were together I walked away without saying hello to her?

I guess I'm supposed to be the only polite person in our encounters? :? DH needs to ask her, when is the last time YOU said hello to Twirl?

If you define a gentleman/woman as someone that endeavors to make the other person as comfortable as possible, she is the exact opposite of that.