Husband expects my former in laws to treat his child like their grandchild...they don't and I don't expect them to.
I was previously married and have a 10 and 9 year old daughter. My ex husband's mother is close with my children,she treats them like a normal grandmother would. The issue is that my new husband has an 8 year old son and expects my Ex in laws to treat his son like their grandchild. I would not ever expect this. I only expect them to be polite and respectful to the child...as they are. The only reason I have a relationship with my ex in laws is due to my children. If I hadn't had children with their son, I would not have a current relationship with my former in laws at all. We are pleasant to each other, but not close and do not "hang out".
This all sparked up when I was setting up an appointment to get pictures done. I requested a sitting with all three children for pictures for our home and then a second sitting right after for just my two children, so I could give those pictures to the ex in-laws and their aunt (on the fathers side). My husband threw a fit and said forget it, if we cannot get all three then he doesn't want them done. I explained that I was getting all three, but doing a separate sitting for their side of the family to have pictures. He absolutely freaked out and thinks that there is no reason to do two sets of prints that they should accept his child. Um, ok...first...these are not my parents or my family. They are my ex husbands family. They are polite to you and your child, but honestly, they do not care about you or your child outside of you being their grandchild's step dad. They are not interested in me outside of me being the mother of their grandchildren, so I would never expect them to be close to or overly concerned with my stepson, not related to them in any way shape or form. I would not expect my FORMER in laws to want pictures of my new step son unless they ask for them. I would never give them pictures to hang on the wall that have my new step son in them.
I have had this same argument with him over numerous issues but basically the same situation. My ex in laws are not my family and are only in my life due to my children. They are not going to include his son in their lives, they do not want to and I do not feel it is necessary. They are not his grandparents, I am not their daughter. The only connection is that I am married to a man now with a son...my step son.
I could see if it was their son being married to a new woman and them wanting the step child on their own bloods side involved but that is not the case. Am I wrong? Should my ex in laws be required to be grandparents to my step son? I think it is odd that my husband gets so bent out of shape that I do not push my step son on my ex in laws. Honestly, I think he is just being strange. Opinions please????
I guess you could just not
I guess you could just not give them any pictures at all. They won't know either way. If the children get school photos done just give them those.
I agree with this
I agree with this suggestion^^! When my first husband and I divorced, I felt it became his responsibility to keep his family members supplied with pictures of our kids, not mine. But he and I can't work anything out together on friendly terms, so each year when school pictures were taken I provided him with the online code to order his own photo packages. This way, I wasnt stuck with eithr the expense or the responsibility of mailing pictures all over for him and his family. This kept the peace for me, him and our new spouses. The least contact with him the better. In my opinion AND my husband's. Maybe your current husband is jealous that you maintain contact with your ex's parents, and he sees your removal of his son from the pictures, as symbolic of removing your DH from the overall picture. I wouldnt worry about his attitude about it...just find a way around it, like this suggestion with school pics, then it will become a non-issue. My mom always taught me to choose my battles, and she was almost always right!
I agree too. Unless there is
I agree too. Unless there is some valid reason why your EX isn't arranging for his children's pictures, then I think this is something better left to him. Now, if he is not able to do so like if he is deceased or incarcerated or stationed over seas, then I can see you being involved.
In the situation where you feel you must do things like this, I think the best tactic is to just go about your business without making a point of telling your DH all the details.
Honey, taking the kids to get pictures taken today.
Then at the photographer, get some together and some separate. In fact, give him a few of his son alone so he can have them to give to his parents.
I would be a witch and ask
I would be a witch and ask the photographer to have skid on one side so you can easily cut him out of the in law pics and when I did it I would make sure to do it in front of my husband. I am not worried about losing a man when he is being an idiot though so probably bad advice lol. Your husband is being ridiculous. Find a stock photo of some random child and put it up where he can't help but see it. When he asks why, ask him why doesn't he want some random, unrelated child's picture hanging proudly on the wall?? He expects the ex in laws to do it.
DaniellaR, sadly but very
DaniellaR, sadly but very truthfully, I would do the same lol. I completely understand why she would want separate pictures taken, because that's what I would have done. If my husband has an issue with it, O frickin well, it would seem he is jealous of a simple cordial relationship with my kids' grandparents.
Your DH is a raging ahole.
Your DH is a raging ahole. Does he expect his ex-wife's new spouse's parents (if she has a husband) to treat your children as their grandchildren?
this. Ask him when HIS baby
this. Ask him when HIS baby mama's parents will be swinging by with prezzies for your kids. In fact, start making an appt for xmas photos with them right now! He has take the overly optimistic "one big family" model (TM) that most hapless divorced disney/guilty dads subscribe to to a new level.
I know my ex in laws would care not a whit about Chef's progeny.
You are not being
You are not being unreasonable in any way. Most kids, especially boys, don't like having their pictures taken anyway. I'm sure it didn't bother SS to not be in all the pictures.
You seem to have a healthy and logical relationship with your ex-inlaws. Kudos to both you and the in-laws. Your DH is being an idiot about the situation.
Your reasoning is logical,
Your reasoning is logical, and DH is being silly aboout the situation. Whatever practical solution you devise for this situation, Just don't bother showing him the "my kids only" photo that you send to the exGPs.
The bigger problem is his attitude as it applies to future situations. Xmas gifts from the ex-family? Those should not come to you anyway, they should be delivered via the exDH, etc.
It could be that what your DH resents is your civil relationship with your outlaws. He might unreasonably see this as a threat. I try to imagine my DH sending photos of his kids to the outlaws....he would likely not, since their mother takes care of that. While it's nice of you to care about the GPs' feelings, it could possibly be that your efforts are seen as you trying to maintain your own contact with them, rather than leaving that bit to your ex-DH.
People who have had hostile divorces sometimes cannot fathom peaceful and civil relationships with ex/outlaws. I have that with my DH where he is daggers drawn with the outlaws, while I am cool with mine. Just try to avoid pushing his buttons if you stay with him. He sounds like a fairly inflexible and possibly insecure man.
Time for a smack to the back
Time for a smack to the back of the head (figuratively of course) clarity session/fest with your DH.
He has lost the plot on this one.
Good luck.
Just to help summarize
Just to help summarize everyone's great comments above (in case a simple set of equations will help him understand):
You = 100% correct in your thinking here
Your husband= WTF?-level crazy thinking
Hang in there!
This is absolutely ridiculous
This is absolutely ridiculous and your husband is delusional. His kid is basically a stranger to them and not related in any way, shape, or form. Not by blood, not by marriage, as they are your EX in-laws. What is he thinking?
I would go ahead with your plans to do the pictures. There is nothing wrong with pictures of just your kids for their family, who, again, are NOT your step son's family.
So weird.
His expectations are not
His expectations are not realistic. His children are not their grandchildren. That is reality. He is getting caught up in the trap of comparison...When you start comparing your children to others, you are setting yourself up for a win lose result.
It is what it is. No-one is entitled to anything when it comes to relationships. With that beings said, if you both could let relationships stand on their own merit and take all the titles like step this, or ex that, half whatever....etc. and just allow the relationship to stand on it's own merit...two people contributing to a relationship who they are and what they bring into that relationship...and where the individuals mutually agree they want to take the relationship...and allow it to just "be". what it is.
No predispositions on what it should be, no pressure to make it something it isn't...just let it be. Who knows? maybe it will go somewhere unimaginable without the pressure of unrealistic expectations and manipulation playing into it. Seriously, if you have to be strong-armed into any kind of relationship...and it it not done out of a pure motive...then how genuine is it going to be?
and who really wants to have a relationship based on a dis-ingenuine foundation? Sounds like you dh needs to take another look at his expectations and make an adjustment. Yes, he may be disappointed with real life, but that's ok. Many times we set ourselves up for disappointment because our expectations are just too high. (and perhaps sprinkled with a little insecurity)...
Sounds like your relationship with the ex's family is, like most of our...based on circumstances. If it weren't for the circumstances, the relationship would not exist..
It's nothing you two can't communicate through without making each other feel even worse about yourselves...Remember, when dealing with these kind of issues...be kind to each other...Peace.
What in the world are you
What in the world are you talking about?
I was going to ask the same
I was going to ask the same thing. You beat me to it
I think she's saying that
I think she's saying that he's got this pre-conceived notion that her kids and their together kids should be treated equally by family, and that he needs to have a frank discussion with her about it... .because it seems he thinks his son is entitled to be in a picture going to someone who is not in his son's life, whereas he shouldn't have any expectations at all.
They don't want a picture of HER family - they want a picture of THEIRS. DH's son is in no way their family. If DH wants Op's ex's parents to have a relationship with his son, he should let it happen rather than forcing it
I think it is great that you
I think it is great that you will give your ex in-laws a picture. I am sure they appreciate it.
Your DH on the other hand is being a really giant butthole. I would just take you and your kids and get a picture made of all of you and then the one of just the kids that can be sent to ex in-laws.
You asked, should your EX
You asked, should your EX inlaws be required to treat your currents child like their own bio grandchild.
My answer is
NO
OP why doesn't your xhusband
OP why doesn't your xhusband have access to purchase pictures of his child/ren for his own use such as giving pics to his mom and dad?
Why are you doing it.
You need to stop that...and make sure your ex has everything to access his kids like you do.
Maybe I do not know the details but you do not have any business contacting your former inlaws.
please don't say YOU thought they would like a picture of their grandchild.....
Why can't people contact
Why can't people contact their ex in laws? What do you mean "have no business"? I've been in touch (occasional of course not like daily) with my ex in laws for 25 years, my brother talks and keeps in touch with my exDH, 25 years, yes that's how long we've been divorced. No one is upset or bothered by it. What's the big deal?
To clarify I don't give them pics of my skids lol
I think it's kinda creepy
I think it's kinda creepy that your DH would even want his son's picture in the house of people who are essentially strangers to him.
It's nutty.
I have great relationship
I have great relationship with my ex in laws. I can't imagine giving them pics of my skids. lol why???? they'd be like wtf? Who are these people? Lol
In response to someone's
In response to someone's comments as to me alienating the natural father of my children. Sorry, the situation is not that negative. We simply are not married any longer, but he is still my children's father. The parent of my children does have the ability to get pictures of my children, he just chooses not to do those types of things. He has never had any interest. He could easily purchase the pictures as well, he just doesn't. His mother would never receive pictures of her grandchildren if I did not give them to her...and she appreciates them greatly. She was the one that asked me a couple of years ago if she could have pictures when they are done as she hadn't received any since our divorce. I was happy to make sure she gets them.
Her son does have open access to my children and there is not any parental alienation. Sorry the scoop is not that juicy.
Have you asked your DH if he
Have you asked your DH if he expects his ex's parents to be grandparents to your kids? What he is asking for makes ZERO sense. And you cannot control what your ex inlaws do. Tell your DH to get over it, he's being ridiculous.
As crazy as it sounds. My
As crazy as it sounds. My situation is the exact opposite. My husbands parents died prior to my son being born, but my oldest 2 have awesome grandparents who spoil them. Sooo... They often want to spoil our child as well. DH hates it! He gets furious and says they arent his grandparents why are they hugging him when they see him and buying him things. I just stood there and asked, "Why are they hugging a 5yr old thats standing next to the 2 other ppl they just hugged????