shutting down
I've spent some time here before, reading posts and replies. It's good to know there are others lost in this whirlpool with me.
I've been increasingly avoiding my SD30 and SS26 since I met them 8 years ago, and feeling guilty for not accepting them as my family since DW and I married in 2011.
Her kids are entitled, spoiled, over-protected brats as far as I am concerned. My wife has carried their needs and wants. SD especially, plays her mother for a fool, taking advantage as far as she can. My wife paid for SD's DUI in 2012, car repairs, rent, day-care expenses and support for SD's fatherless child, and nearly every vacation SD has taken.
SS has had his rent paid for 2 years, and extensive financial help with his decision to have children he knew he couldn't support. A custody battle with his girlfriend over their 2 y.o. occurred when they split up for six months in 2012 after his girlfriend was found cheating on him. They got back together, but not before DW had stepped in to take control of her son's situation. The girl had no money, but my wife paid an attorney $20,000 for her son to obtain partial custody.
DW pays their cell phones; SD, SS and his girlfriend's. All this against my wishes, but DW controls the money. She has direct deposit into a personal, private account.
I do have income. My position is to maintain our two properties. We have agreed this works for both of us, giving us maximum time together. My DW supports me, but I have no access to mutual savings of any kind.
She has argued that her income is entirely hers to do with as she pleases, there is no such thing as marital income. Her support of her adult children has cost us $85,000 so far. We carry debt of nearly $500,000.
I have no leverage, and have been trying to get her to see the light. Telling her that her kids are spoiled brats taking advantage of her, etc., etc. It's taken me 8 years to realize all the talking and screaming is pointless. It's obvious she is not going to change anything, which leaves me with 2 options. Accept it or leave.
I do not like her irresponsible, abusive offspring and have "run away" recently to our other property when they came to visit.
DW and I have just attended our first session of marriage counseling. Our discussion in that session as well as conversation since has pushed me to realize I need to get my ID back, and change ME, not her.
DW gives me grief for not accepting her views, saying, "You just don't understand the bond of a mother with her children."
Disengagement sounds like a viable option, but what I see as a lack of respect from DW may have damaged me beyond repair. I feel disengagement would be a means of coping, but only temporarily burying the real problem.
I just want ME back. I want my life back, I want a wife I can love and respect.
Oh you will find so many
Oh you will find so many kindred spirits here. You did well to keep your property, I sold mine so we could buy a new property that was just 'ours' and although our financial situations are slightly different the sentiment is the same. The trouble is I have no where to go. Disengagement is more than a way of coping for me though, it has saved my sanity and given me back my sense of self worth. I have a full and busy life outside the home. Relations with DH are cordial, I cannot get him to see that we can have a relationship outside his family, but he doesn't see that. Maybe he never will.
I don't know your age, but I hope you get yourself back and find a life away from this woman who deserves her entitled children but clearly doesn't deserve you.
Thank you for your comments.
Thank you for your comments. Saving my sanity is #1 on the agenda at this point.
You're very welcome- let us
You're very welcome- let us know how you get on.
Hell no. I'm somewhere close
Hell no. I'm somewhere close the age of your skids and I would be downright ashamed to ask my mother (or father!) for that kind of assistance and I would certainly never EXPECT any kind of assistance.
The skids are way beyond 18, they are full blown adults and need to learn to live without Mommy's purse. That being said, the issue obviously lies with your wife as she is seriously enabling them and therefore stunting them. They will never become independent functioning adults because she won't allow them to.
That's not a bond between a mother and a child. That is a mother destroying a child's future.
I'm sorry that you're dealing with that. I believe you should try to focus on yourself and focus on the man you want to be. Because as you said, you can only change you. Whether or not that leads to divorce is up to you.
It's just as important that you are happy with your life. Don't live in misery just to placate your wife and skids.
SD has learned to TEXT her
SD has learned to TEXT her mother for money. Always something like "LOL, this is your needy daughter..." It's gotten her at least $3K in the past year.
Thank you for your input.
Recognizing that you have to
Recognizing that you have to get "you" back is the best step forward....don't stop stepping!
Bills are paid, wife makes
Bills are paid, wife makes good money and is still able to save for her personal account.
Eight years and what do you
Eight years and what do you have to show for it? It appears you catered to her and her children and you did not develop the "US" in your relationship. I can see her wanting to keep some of her income for her disposal, if her kids were under 18.
MOVE ON. One thing I have learned is people do not change. The issue with kids, will not change. You will grow deeper in debt and still loose your ID.
To save your marriage, you need to come together, have some boarders...or else....cut bait and run!
StepMat for sure. Yes, what
StepMat for sure.
Yes, what do I have to show for it? I was debt-free when we met. Although she makes the money to support the monthly debt, I fear the day she loses her job or.. what if she would die, or have a stroke?
I'm told I worry too much. She has $150K in life insurance. (Her kids are set for $60K each, I would get $30K.)
I mentioned this in our counsel session, she could not explain to me why her kids would get rich and I would still be in debt way over my head. This was just one of the red lights I have finally begun to see as NOT UP FOR DISCUSSION.
Call me devoted, foolish, stupid. I thought things would be better as soon as her kids were "settled" as she calls it. HA HA HA!
nothing will change, and I finally know that.
The kids will never be
The kids will never be settled as long as Mamma Warbucks keeps coming to their rescue. What I have always found shocking is what would our significant others do or want to see changed if the roles were reversed? What if it was your kids sucking the life out of her financial future? How would she react? Perception is a pillar in the strength of a blended family.
The insurance business would send me through the roof since it is your combined income paying the premiums. Doesn't matter who's check it is coming out of, it is joint when you are married. You should be the beneficiary for at least 50% and the remaining 50% she should split between the kids. Children need to make their own way. It is one thing to help your child and another to hinder them.
I am proud of you for seeking counseling. You will have all the answers you need within your self. Sometimes, it helps talking to someone else. Self Analyze and see where you want to be. Staying with someone for all the right reasons is hard when you are faced ample wrong ones. The bigger hurdle is our hearts. No one wants to fail at marriage. No one wants to be the one to say goodbye.
So work hard at trying to see the grass on each other's side. Try to find a common ground when financially supporting her children. If you can not, save yourself. Find out what you want, what you don't want and how you can cope with moving on and starting over. Life is short!
"She has argued that her
"She has argued that her income is entirely hers to do with as she pleases, there is no such thing as marital income."
This means your income is only for you, stop paying everything DW requires to keep alive seeing she's giving all her money to her children.
This. If ya'll are that much
This. If ya'll are that much in debt and she just keeps spending and spending, you're in a downward spiral. You will have $0 or less for retirement. I don't care how much she makes, she obviously has no plans to share any of it with you. Take the bill money and any other money you can in CASH, and hide it with a very trusted relative or friend. Let the house go into foreclosure.
There is a double standard in this relationship. Her money is her money, your money is her money, her debt is your debt but not vice versa. Not up for discussion. There's a word for that. Narcissism.
If you stay married, the joint debt will continue to escalate. There is no avoiding the bankruptcy in your future. Cut your losses. Save what income you can now, and Run!
"she obviously has no plans
"she obviously has no plans to share any of it with you" yes, and we are within 12 years of retiring.
My favorite one-liner to her was that her kids are not mine and "I did not vote to bankrupt us in order to give them the life they always dreamed of."
DW makes 5x my top income potential. She has expensive tastes, and the $$ to back it, but I'm scared and feel the best I can do is... RUN, exactly as you said. Run away, far away.
We have $0.00 equity in either property and are $40K upside down in the one she decided to abandon.(It didn't suit her taste.) Paying $900/month on that mortgage still.
I've discussed her just letting me go, just walk away, so she can focus on her adult brats, but she's promised to give me the fight of my life if I try.
Menopause is a wonderful thing.
How in the world did I get here?
"she's promised to give me
"she's promised to give me the fight of my life if I try"
She doesn't qualify for alimony, and you don't have any kids together, so there doesn't seem to be anything she can do to you. If you decide to do as I recommend, stop talking to her. If her lawyer demands to discover where your income went, tell him you eat out a lot and have developed a penchant for poker and lap dances. Find out the names of the local strip clubs. Tell him you've been buying oxycontin on the streets. If he asks you where, say you do not recall. Whatever.