Is 9 yo too young to disengage or should I keep trying?
New here and looking for advice. Well aware I might be the problem, I'm ok with that. I can provide more detail if necessary, but I didn't want to get longer than this already is.
DH and I had a long-ish distance relationship with an unplanned pregnancy. We married, I moved to him, have a 6mo DS. He has 50/50 of his 8yo SD, he and BM both work a lot so GPs do child care and DH/BM are Disney parents. They dropped her off with me 4 days after my son was born, the day I came home from the hospital, and left her with me for the better part of 3 months for school break bc apparently "maternity leave" means "free child care".
Kid is spoiled, has no boundaries, no respect, refuses rules, is unfazed by punishment, doesn't respond to positive reinforcement, failing 4th grade and doesn't care. She knows that if she can hold out a day or two, she's going to BM's or GP's house and rules/punishments don't apply there. DH is on board with making changes around here, but works at least 6 days every week, so he's never home to see or enforce. I'm "new" to the household and don't discipline SD.
I can't decide if she's mini-wife or mini-mom--she stays up with DH after I go to bed, goes everywhere with him, comes into a room and if he's not there immediately asks where he is, goes to the bathroom door to talk to him, snuggles, strokes, kisses, etc, and has since day 1 questioned ALL of my methods and parenting decisions regarding DS including telling me I was changing his diaper wrong. Or maybe she's just missing DH bc he's gone so much? But she gets 4+hours with him every day they're both here, undivided attention bc lord knows can't pay any attention to me while she's in the house.
She's an absolute PITA with me, DH thinks she's just a kid and can do no wrong, is completely unbothered by most of this. He just shrugs and says "Oh, well so and so needs me to do this side job so I gotta go."
She's known me for 2 years, I spent a lot of time here/with them while we were dating, and then she was obviously with me during maternity leave...I and my expectations are not super new to her. She just flat out doesn't care what I say or think. Everyone on other boards I've frequented say divorce him, but I have a new baby with him, and I want to at least try to make it work. Is she too young to just disengage and let her run wild, or do I need to keep trying? Is it just the age?
I agree with the others, You
I agree with the others, You should tell your DH you won't be watching SD anymore, he's the one who needs to take care of her, or arrange for child care from GPs.
Not your child, not your problem, but I wouldn't just let her roam free, as she's only 9 so someone need to watch her (just not you).
I totally agree it's a DH
I totally agree it's a DH issue, and he knows it too, I guess it's just going to take her getting in serious trouble before he actually steps in and corrects it. I have no plans to let her roam free, I mean, I know if she's physically here it's my job not to let her get hurt or something (but I would consider that my responsibility with any child, as I'm the adult in the situation). But like, when she's in the house and it's an hour before DH gets home, do I just let her eat whatever she wants, do whatever she wants, do no homework, run naked through the house while the UPS guy delivers packages, beat up the dog, etc? BC that's what's happening now, and my attempts at correcting it are falling on deaf ears.
Well, most of this yes. I'd
Well, most of this yes.
I'd make sure the running naked is stopped immediately and firmly.
And beating up an animal - absolutely NOT acceptable in any way.
I think you need to confirm for yourself what your boundaries are first and foremost.
What do YOU think you cannot put up with?
Example: I was not ok with SDs using furniture as gym equipment but if DH let them jump on their beds then so be it. I enforced the living room furniture rule, no matter what DH said, but ignored the bed issue.
Once you have YOUR boundaries clear, you enforce those consistently.
You may or may not speak with your DH about it; I personally did not unless he questioned me.
I did not get mad, I got cold.
Enforce your boundaries each and ever time, the same way. Figure out what she wants, then take that away consistently. Repercussions matter. Consistency matters.
If your DH still doesn't want you involved at all, in your own home, then that's a bigger problem. You'll know more about his capability to change once you start enforcing your personal boundaries.
I agree this is a DH issue
I agree this is a DH issue but you need to take responsibility for the situation you allowed.
"and left her with me for the better part of 3 months..."
You just had a baby and said yes to 3 months of free child care. This is on you too.
I didn't exactly say "yes" so
I didn't exactly say "yes" so much as DH said "I want to be there with OUR child" (the new baby) and in order for him to spend more time there, she had to be there too. I had no other support bc I'd moved away from home. It was, and I think continues to be, if you want to see me you have to deal with her. I could have said "No, I only want you, minus her" but at the time, I had no way to know that she'd be as...intrusive? disrespectful?...as she was until she was already there. We had never been in a new-baby or shared attention situation with her before, she'd always just been the only child around us, KWIM?
I get saying yes to something
I get saying yes to something you later regret agreeing too. Chalk this up to living and learning. Since GP's are active in sd's life I'd point DH to bringing her to them more often and he can pick them up after work.
I think you can disengage to
I think you can disengage to an extent.
I also think that if you flat out start off by stating you are refusing to watch her, he might say that you need to get a job since he can’t pay for a babysitter and support you and the baby all at the same time. He will want you to pay some bills since he will have to pay a babysitter.
I would sit him down and tell him this…”DH, I am having a terrible time with SD. She does not mind and she is doing all of these horrible things. How do you suggest this is corrected? She cannot run around naked, she cannot beat on the dog. It is getting harder for me to watch her so we HAVE to find a way to fix it.”
Then when he does not fix it (and he won’t) …you can tell him that you tried to get him to correct the bad behavior but he didn’t so he needs to take her somewhere else when he is not home. And again…expect him to want you to get a job.
I have one--I work 40 hrs a
I have one--I work 40 hrs a week for the company I worked for before I moved. They allowed me to stay on remotely after the baby was born. I earn more than him, which makes this all the more insane.
Ahhh...then heck yea...tell
Ahhh...then heck yea...tell him you can't focus on your job when she is there so he needs to find other care for her. THe fact that you work from home (a real 40 hour a week job) makes a big difference.
Thanks y'all. I know there's
Thanks y'all. I know there's lots of issues going on here, I appreciate all your input. I have tried talking to DH, and he "gets" some of it...but I think he spends a lot of time hiding behind work as an excuse to not parent, and that's a thing that's probably going to be the make or break for us. But--It's good to know that it ok to pull back from her a little without seeming like a complete monster just because of her age. I hear a lot of "you should at least TRY to love her" or "Oh, she's just starved for attention" (no, she freaking isn't) from people who've never done the step thing and I thought maybe I was just completely horrible for not feeling like she's MINE.
So I guess this transitions
So I guess this transitions into a new question then--and again, I'm sorry, I'm new here and to all this as well. Those of you who have disengaged, what was your spouse's response to it? I would like to think that I know DH loves me enough to understand it or at least accept it, but other than whiney man-child garbage, what were the ramifications of disengagement in your house? I guess my worst fear is that he'll pull an all or nothing and we divorce anyway and I lose my kid 50% of the time.
I didn't tell DH I was
I didn't tell DH I was disengaging.
I just slowly stopped doing certain things and told him "No" a lot more.
Things did come to a head the fall/winter we moved into our new home, I was not helping with ANYTHING and he blew up at me one night.
Well, I let him rant and rave and yell.
I just said to him, in summary, they are not "my kids" and since you do not allow me any decision making power I will not be responsible for them. NO, I do not HAVE to do anything. I already help provide a good living environment for them and unless I get more help around here and some support and understanding from you, DH, I will not be helping more.
** note that I did read some step-parenting books, including Stepmonster, which provided me with perspective and language and situational examples to pull from - plus a lot of help here **
I do help a little more now, but I have clear lines drawn with both the SDs and DH.
If he tries to get me involved in something, like college discussions, I just tell him, "You know, this is really up to you to discuss with BM and SDs - it's not my place." Or, I ask him, "Do you REALLY REALLY want my REAL opinion or just support?"
He doesn't love the situation, he wants us to be a "real family" but it's simply not that and they are not my kids (he hates it when I say that but it's true in all ways) and I am not allowed much of any say over anything regarding them, unless it's fun stuff!!, so no, not involved like a mother.
When you say she beats up on
When you say she beats up on the dog.. what does she do to the poor dog? Why does she do it?
Is your little one safe from her if she has a tendency to lash out physically?
My ss7 has gotten nasty with our dogs and cats in the past out of pure jealousy. We have to watch him like a hawk and never ever leave him alone with one of the critters. I personally believe that it is not normal behavior for a kid to be mean towards an animal.
Mostly the dog incidents
Mostly the dog incidents happen when she feels like she's not getting anybody's attention. She just...plays really rough with her? Jerking her around by the collar, wrestling with her so much she bends her in half, smacks her in the head, gets her all hyped up and then shoves her off the couch, etc and then whines when the dog steps on her, scratches her, breathes on her, whatever. It's a 70 lb mutt, so in most cases the dog is big enough that it's not an issue of her actually getting hurt so much as it is just inappropriate interaction and I fear a sign of things to come. She has animals at BM's as well, but IDK what her interaction is like with those. SD has shown tendencies toward violence with her cousins and has really serious jealousy issues, so even though she's not physically lashing out at the baby yet, I'm keeping an eye on the way she looks at him bc I don't like it. I don't even let her touch him if I can help it bc it just makes my skin crawl for some reason.
i am so sorry to hear this.
i am so sorry to hear this. this should be a bonding time for your and your baby and not giving free child care to a brat.
there is no age for disengagement only circumstances. i would say you are ready now. and according to what you describe she is a mini wife.
put your foot down now. child care arrangements need to be forthcoming. your dh is allowing you to be used. or he is being cowed by bm into using/abusing you for baby sitting.
the size of the dog is not the issue her. the treatment of the dog is given the sd uses the dog to project her needs for attention. one day the dog just might not be tolerant esp if there are signs the skid can be violent. dogs can pick up on things like this. dogs do give signs they are annoyed and only a few snap or bite without warning.
a baby of sic months needs his mother, and one that is not distracted hostile or upset by other things out of her control.
"one that is not distracted
"one that is not distracted hostile or upset by other things out of her control."
This is so very much how I feel. When she's here, I'm either shaking in frustration biting my tongue trying to keep from blowing up on her or staying low-key trying not to attract her attention so she doesn't touch the baby. I'm just a complete stress case either way and that's 50% of the time that my brand new developing baby is getting short-changed, and that's not fair.
Thanks all. You've really made me feel better about what I feel like I should do here.
Wow...this is a lot to take
Wow...this is a lot to take on. Have you thought about counseling for DH & yourself...perhaps a 3rd party can help you set boundaries of what you will/will not agree to (can't believe others would expect you to care for SD right from leaving the hospital with your baby...or that you agreed to it)...IMO, that is not OK. Counseling may also help your DH to see what an unrealistic position he has put you in.