Considering divorcing my husband because of his 10 year old
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We've been married 2 years, and his daughter has tried since a few months after I met her to make her dad "pick" her over me every chance she gets. She's 10 and manipulative as you know what. I loved her and put her feelings first and tried to realize I was added to their family. I bright my old child, and then we had one together. The now almost 11 year old tries to make her dad and I fight every weekend She decides to come over. She cries like a 2 year old when she doesn't get her way, and I have a daughter her age and I don't allow my daughter to act that way.
So now I'm considering divorce. I'm now realizing why he's been divorced twice already.
This is very sad... my DH was
This is very sad... my DH was married three times before. When we first met I thought he was perfect for me and his other wives were bitches- now I know better...
Right? His first wife... I've
Right? His first wife... I've heard her on the phone and I've seen messages from her. She is nuts... Absolutely... Should be locked up... Nuts.
His second wife is all about money. She told the 10 year old that I'm not her mother... SD told her mother I was her step mom... SD mother said "she's not even that" ...
She was so mean to me over the last couple years and recently my husband stopped working so I could run my company and he could watch the children. Her automatic child support stopped. SD mother text me asking how I was doing and how my kids were doing and how everyone was feeling... Then suddenly jumped to asked where he was working and where was her child support. He's never made much, and only pays her $285 a month. This woman has also been married 3 times, 3 baby daddy's and her last ex pays $1200 a month.
I honestly don't care about his ex. She isn't nice but if I were her I couldn't imagine being nice to me either.
I guess I'm saying that no one is expecting this child to treat me with respect at all. She's only 10... I'm imagining 6 years from now and how terrible it's going to be.
I can only see two options
I can only see two options here:
1) You set boundaries with the stepchild. You tell her what is acceptable and unacceptable in your home. She conforms to what you deem appropriate behaviours or she has a very unhappy weekend in your home. If her behaviour is unacceptable, don't tolerate it. Her mother and father may not be competent parents and you may be the only person who can help this child.
2) Divorce your husband. If he is unco-operative in matters concerning the raising of his own child, don't bang your head against the wall. You get hurt and the wall doesn't care. I am in a similar position with my own husband who refuses to parent his 17 year old son. I am no longer amused. At all. Two years of marriage is about to go down the drain; I am meeting with a lawyer for the first time this week. I refuse to waste my life on someone who can not parent his son or act like an adult who cares. I have my own child to parent, I am not playing mother to a husband and his child too.
The problem is not the child. The problem is your husband and his failure to parent which is actually a responsibility he has to his daughter.
If I say anything negative to
If I say anything negative to his daughter, or if I put down rules like her treating me with respect, he will tell her not to worry about it and she hasn't done anything wrong. He will tell me I'm front of her that I need to grow up. Once she goes back to her mother, our home is happy and he treats me with respect and we have normal lives. Things are completely different when she is here.
I'm thinking I really only have one option. I hope he and his 10 year old are very happy together.
Yes let them be happy
Yes let them be happy together. He is doing his daughter no favors. If she is this entitled at 10, just wait until 16 onwards. His lack of parenting and favoritism with his daughter will always be a huge problem in your marriage.
Your DH will never be in a successful relationship as long as he continues to put SD on a pedestal and his wife as the last place ribbon, given no authority with her.
His blatant disrespect for you is IMO a deal breaker. Good luck to you.
Thank you. This is exactly
Thank you. This is exactly what I needed. I can't believe there are so many other people in my situation. I felt so alone. My family hasn't ever been in blended family's before. Not real ones. My children's father's are not interested in my life or my children. We have no contact, no visitation schedules. No drama... I'm telling you, when the 10 year old isn't here, our lives are perfect and we don't have issues. We don't argue. He takes my side with anything.
He should have never married
He should have never married you if he could not put his wife first and show a united front with you in front of the child. I would suggest therapy prior to you filing for divorce. I broke up with someone a while back for similar reasons. Basically a marriage cannot sustain one of the partners coming in second after a child. In todays society we have a very kid-centric attitude. We have guilty single parents that feel whatever their precious child wants is okay. This is a recepie for disaster and ruined marriages. A therapist will tell your DH what he needs to do.... it's a no brainer. YOU come first (after kids basic needs are met.) It's as simple as that. Your husband is the selfish one and if he was going to operate this way I'm really not sure why he married you??
Myss.Tique D'Off has it
Myss.Tique D'Off has it nailed. If you set boundaries and your DH doesn't back you up, you are fighting a losing battle.
My story is a long, almost 38 year old saga, and I agree with fairyo, I know that my DH wasn't what I thought he was. I was very busy with my career and let myself be a floor mat. After I retired it all came down. I now wish I had never wasted my years. I have given my best years to this man. I refuse to give up my hard earned progress and start over, at this point in my life.
I have set boundaries, much too late, and it is somewhat better. I have changed my ways to try to make it tolerable for our late retired years. My DH has not changed and never will. Accepting this fact is the most difficult for me.
In my case it's like a one sided love affair; but it is what it is and I own my part of it all.
If I was younger and had opened my eyes years ago, I would have taken Myss.Tique D'Off's advice.
Good Luck.
I think I need to take my
I think I need to take my children and run. I'm reading all these terrible stories and it just doesn't get better.
The only hope for me if that
The only hope for me if that I can choose to NOT be around this very sick dynamic, which in my case, is very much like you describe, except they are adults. If I had to ever be around them, (given my weakling husband will never man up), and the fact they have run off so many others in his life previously, we would be divorcing as well.
Husband supports me in not being around his sick enmeshment because he is a nervous weakling wreck when we are ALL together, pathetic. He knows they are going to insult both of us (and target me), and yet he figures that is just the price he pays to see them, I suppose! Not me, not anymore.
If you cannot get away from it or control it so that you are emotionally safe, get it out of your life...
You don't mention his
You don't mention his reaction to what sounds like a horrible kid (although if you're fighting, I guess the kid's manipulation is working on him).
I wouldn't have even looked at someone twice divorced because I think you must be nuts to be twice divorced and even consider marriage again - especially if you're reproducing and dragging kids through that mess.
Because you have a kid with him, maybe you should try to harder to salvage the marriage - I know you just want out,and I totally get that, but divorce is hard on kids. If your husband has any dignity, maybe he will get some counseling or try harder to make the marriage work so he doesn't have to tell the next would-be wife that he's thrice divorced. What a dud.
Yup! So he has older
Yup! So he has older daughters and they only met me 2 times and we were only dating back then. They went home to their mom and told her how wonderful I was and nice to them and they couldn't wait to come back over and see their dad and I. Apparently that threw the first ex into a crazy rage. His oldest daughter called the day she was suppose to come back over and we could hear her mom in the background.... His daughter was telling him the only way the two older girls would come back over would be if he left me and got back together with their mom. He said that wasn't appropriate to discuss with children and he wouldn't continue the conversation. That was the last time he heard from his older children. They were 13 and 14 I believe. So he reminds me all the time that he really only has 1 daughter out of 3 left and I'm the reason the older ones are not here visiting as well. Geeeeeee I didn't know his ex was so nuts that I was not suppose to be a good person to his kids. I love kids.. I bake, color, go on bike rides, movies, zoo, museum trips, anything the kids wanted I did because I always focus on my kids. Now if we get in a big enough fight he will remind me that his older ones not having a relationship with him is my fault. Mind you, he didn't bother trying to call their mother, didn't try to take her to court again. My husband said he took her to court over not allowing visitation previously and the judge never really did much. He would see his kids one time and then be back in court. I saw the court records online, he is telling the truth... But it's terrible he blames me for his problems with his kids. I think he's afraid if he parents the younger daughter, she will decide to not come over anymore.
Oh, that's so wrong. I hate
Oh, that's so wrong. I hate to say it, but it sounds as if you married a dud. To blame you for any fallout from the last mess he made is really unfair and childish. Is he that unreasonable with other things? And there's an open wound with that ex, too - pretty untenable situation. It sounds like he married you before he had previous relationships settled into a manageable place. And kids are always changing, so they aren't helping the dynamic.
Have you tried to enlist a counselor who will surely tell him he's out of line? It can help some. But if you're young, maybe this was your starter marriage. I like that term - "starter marriage." I think it gives people a much needed free pass on marrying one dope in their lives.
Haha good views! I'm 28, he
Haha good views! I'm 28, he is 36. He married the first wife because she was pregnant... They had another baby shortly after the first. Turns out the second baby was clearly not his.. He doesn't deal with cheating/lies at all. He will walk away as if it's nothing to him. So he filed for divorce. That was 10 years prior to meeting me.
The last wife, Skid's (10 year old) daughter, she cheated and became pregnant but left him before he knew she was pregnant. He Knew she cheated, and he checked out.
We tried counseling before we got married and I think it really helped. He didn't think it did... But we didn't have real problems back then. He doesn't want to go to counseling now. He thinks it's a waste of time and I'm not going anywhere. He obviously thinks I'm not going anywhere because if he did, he wouldn't act like this.
But if I leave, there is no turning back. I'm leaving 22 hours away from here. My family is across the country and he has his daughter here. We planned to move to my family's side of the country next year but I couldn't imagine his daughter around my family for a whole summer. His daughter already embarrassed me when she was around my family for 3 days. I never brought her around my family after that. They told me how they think she is manipulative, disrespectful, and how my husband isn't doing the right thing by taking her side and rewarding bad behavior. I never told my family about how terrible she was because I was embarrassed. Well that bit me in the arse... My husband later accused me of setting their expectations that she was a bad child. I promise, I never said a word. They saw it without my help. I tried sip hard to hide it.
When he blames you for not
When he blames you for not seeing his older children you need to shut him down! Anytime he says that you need to respond with "BM is the reason you do not see your children".
Divorce or not... adopt a
Divorce or not... adopt a zero tolerance position on the behavior of your Skid. If DH will not step up and get the parenting and discipline of his prior relationship spawn taken care of before you have to then you do it and he can STFU while you do.
The standards of behavior in your home should apply to all kids in the home in an age appropriate manner and his prior relationship crotch trophy should be no exception. Enforce the standards of behavior and if DH interferes instruct him in no gentle terms to go to his room until he can grow up and parent and until then you will do the parenting.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
If he is incapable of growing up and being your equity life partner and an equity parent in your home then I would move forward on minimizing the exposure your own children have to he and his prior relationship spawn. Yes, even for the child you share with him. Sadly.
Good luck.
"prior relationship crotch
"prior relationship crotch trophy" .... I'm not sure how you can love a stranger... But I love you for saying this. Omg... I feel like that's all this is. He's not in love with his kids the way I'm in love with my kids. I would give my life for my children. He hardly spends time with his child. I paid 60k to fight a family member in court who took my child without my permission 10 years ago and jumped 5 states with her... And fought in court for 5 years going through hell just to have visitation...
Yes that's another story to this mix. My natural daughter was kidnapped by a family member.. They managed to obtain custody from a judge in a small town who didn't contact me.. And I had to convince the legal system I was not a druggy mom or a boozy mom and it was another small court so they didn't know who to believe and I had supervised visitation with my own child for 2 years. They finally pressed criminal charges and gave me my child back. I met my husband in the middle of all of that. We married and had our baby together 2 years ago shortly after trial to bring her home...
I'm just saying. If you put his children on one side and mine on the other... I couldn't ever imagine not fighting for my children or allowing visitation to stop. I couldn't give up on my kids.
Of course you would not give
Of course you would not give up on your children. You are a mom of character. Sadly not only has yoru DH given up on his kids he has given up on your marriage by failing to step up as an equity parent and your equity life partner.
My condolences on the difficult situation you find yourself in and that your DH fails to see that you and the marriage should be the only unequivocal priority for the adults in a equity life partnership. The marriage is the top priority and children are the top responsibility. Two very different things that equity life partners of character clearly understand IMHO.
Your own children are truly blessed to have a mother such as you who clearly understands that children are the top adult responsibility. I have no doubt that your own children would love nothing more than for their mom to have an equity life partner of similar character to her own.
IMHO of course.
Take care of you.
OMG!! Crotch Trophy!! How
OMG!! Crotch Trophy!! How fitting.. that's exactly how it should be described..
1. Blames you because HE has
1. Blames you because HE has two brats utterly manipulated by their narcissistic mother. And, of course, not parented by him to treat him properly or how to deal with her.
2. Betrays you triumphantly in front of a 10 year old.
My friend, this is his psychedelic roller coaster and you just got your belt loop caught on its wheel. Whoosh! Swoosh!
You won't be able to straighten out his world for him. He's already nixed counseling which means he's not interested in introspection, empathy (understanding another's viewpoint), change. He's comfortable on this ride. His eyes are more than half closed as he whirls along the track, just as long as he's in his comfy seat, it's all the same to him.
So. The question is are YOU comfortable on this ride? Do you want to become as comfortable as he is with the same ole same ole? Being scapegoated for his failures and the whipping boy for his mini-wife?
If not, tell him I need things to change. Seriously need that. If he expresses interest, go ahead and work hard on your marriage but do set firm boundaries. If he blows you off or attacks, cut your losses.
My 2 cents.
*(I know you already know the word 'empathy,' of course. I just wanted to clarify I'm not assuming he's a cold-hearted meanie in general but that by nixing counseling he's showing he's not interested in working out how to understand how things look from your perspective and how you feel.)
Chief Grownup Lives! Welcome
Chief Grownup Lives! Welcome back.
Aw! Thank you! BTW, I wish
Aw! Thank you! BTW, I wish I had a sticky for your post above, too. Very stupendously awesome!
He sounds like he has core
He sounds like he has core character issues. If that is the case, you can't fix this. Move on and be happy. You're young. Go enjoy life
Letting a 10 yr old rule, oh
Letting a 10 yr old rule, oh this is going to be real fun when she's 15 and hormonal!
BTW, OP, the first time he
BTW, OP, the first time he said he lost his kids due to me I would have said, "I can't possibly allow myself to stand in the way. Knock yourself out." And I'd start packing.
And I'd mean it. He'd either take it back and never say it again. Or the problem would be solved via the packing.
My SD tried this ( to get her
My SD tried this ( to get her father to pick her over me) it was all a big competition for her and the goal was to split us up. DH had married me, properly, not just 'oh I will get another woman' to help with the kids and do the housework or whatever. He put her in her place and she lost the fight. What did she expect? She could have had the best of both worlds but she wanted to be a mini wife in control of everything. He wasn't having it.
I think it's horrible when stepkids do this 'it's me or her' thing. You are an adult and she is a child, there should be no competition. They are frequently supported by dysfunctional mother BM's. Tough luck, they have to live with their choice in the end.
It's 3am and I'm dreading the
It's 3am and I'm dreading the idea of the spoiled princess showing up here in 48 hours.
If your DH isn't willing to
If your DH isn't willing to shut that down, then maybe divorce is the only option.
You are his wife...she is his daughter. A wife is a partner, a daughter is a dependent. A daughter does not get to control what her father or any other adult does. If he lets her control his actions then she is playing more of a wife role than a daughter role.
I had one SS who tried to compete with me a bit...DH thought it was funny. Then he tried to accuse me of competing with his children. I pointed out to him that I am his partner and I contribute my time and resources to the relationship. His kids contribute nothing, but just expect to be catered to. If he thought we should all be held on equal footing and get equal treatment, then he might want to rethink why he wanted to get married in the first place.