When to let the BM back into the childs life...
Hi everyone. My step sons BM has been an addict for almost all of her adult life. Functioning up until the last two years. She has not called my step son on his birthday and has not seen him in over a year. She has not asked for him. He never ask for her but of course, I believe in his heart he loves her of course.
BM, after being threatened with jail time for a drug charge recently, stepped into rehab and has been there for two weeks. This may be the first time she has been sober in a long time and is finally not thinking of herself and thinking of her child (she has two by the way- the one my husband and I are raising and a baby that her 2nd ex-husband is raising).
So BM's sister has been reaching out to me recently talking about how much the BM has changed and has started talking about seeing my stepson again and being a part of his life. The BM has not reached out directly to me but this gives me much anxiety with the holidays coming up. I believe the BM may reach out to ask to see my stepson. Where as stepmoms, we all know how terrible it sounds "keeping a child from their mother", I am deeply concerned about a visit, if it's even requested. BM has a terrible habit of making lots of promises of gifts and has even told my stepson (he's 9 now btw) that he will come live with her soon- in the past.
So here's my question. Is it wrong, if the request comes from BM to visit SS soon, to deny this? I don't believe any good will come for my stepson in this visit. I would much rather see BM clean and sober for say 6 months or a year- or with a job- or with a place to live- some type of stability that helps us to believe she is almost mentally stable enough to not emotionally harm my stepson during a visit. It's important to know she also faces prison time at her next trial in January. Where I want to do what's right I also want to protect my stepson.
Ok. Thoughts?
I'm wondering what the
I'm wondering what the counselors of the rehab think. How long will she be there? I know from friends that have family members who are lifetime addicts that the counselors and/or doctors normally do not recommend try to make reconnections such as this while in rehab such a short time.
Is there a way to ask them what they feel would be the appropriate time?
I think that's a great
I think that's a great thought but I would imagine that counselors at the rehab center would not tell me or DH anything due to confidentially laws? From what I understand, she will be at the center for a total of 30 days and then be counseled a few times a week outside of their walls for 60 days following.
Do you think the counselor would speak to me?
It wouldn't hurt to ask them
It wouldn't hurt to ask them to talk to you. Just let them know that there is a child involved and you want to be sure the healthiest things are done for him.
No they may talk to the
No they may talk to the Father, but they probably won't talk to the SM. They say to wait a year to see if the addict stays clean.
I'd say the BM is feeling guilty, thinks the child will make her get clean or get her out of trouble. Your DH should get a court order about supervised visits etc.
I assume there is some sort
I assume there is some sort of custody or visitation agreement and she will probably insist on this. In this instance I would see the social services officers in your area or go via the courts to modify any arrangements so that it is supervised visits only. Pre-empt anything she may want and act in the best interest of the child.
Yes, I do understand the arguments that you cant keep a child away from his mother blah, blah, blah, but she can be a disruptive or destructive influence and it may be best to get social services involved in initial visitations or near future visitations. In this way, it doesnt look like you are keeping the child away from his mother. Talk to your husband about this route as a possible way to see through. Social workers may even nix any visitation until there is clarity on her trial and prison time.
We have sole custody and she
We have sole custody and she has no visitation rights. I still will feel guilty/bad when a mother ask to see her son and I/DH can not allow it.
Here's another thing... we let BM's family come to our home last Christmas and let stepson open gits from them. They were even as nice to bring my BS gifts, it all seemed very thoughtful!! and I mean, it was! I was thoroughly impressed. But, BM's sister brought my stepson a letter from BM that read something to the extent of "you'll be living with me soon, I miss you, I have more gifts for you at my friend's house". Stepson did not receive the letter, as DH intercepted very politely when he noticed it sitting with the presents. Then, they have only asked to see him once since his birthday in July. We allowed his grandfather( BM's dad) to pick him up and bring him to Walmart to get a gift. He was gone for 2 hours and when I called him to let him know it was time to bring my stepson home, he showed up with BM's sister driving him because he was DRUNK at 2:00 IN THE AFTERNOON!!
They say they will not let BM visit with stepson if we allow him to come over, but obviously, that's not our only concern. They want to get my stepson for Christmas but I mean, no?! And I'm even wondering if I should let these people into my home at this point. I want to support his relationship with BM's side of the family but they make it very difficult! Oh my goodness, it was so good to get that OUT! LOL!
So here's another question- how can I (politely) communicate to BM's family that they will not be allowed to visit with him without us, we do not feel comfortable with it. But they are certainly more than welcome to come visit him at our house, we can meet them at a park, restaurant, or wherever. Suggestions on that aspect?
I appreciate the responses.
Simple. You tell them the
Simple. You tell them the trust is gone since grandpa got drunk while being in charge of SS. So....come play at a park with us, etc..... but no more taking him anywhere.
You're right! It's not unfair
You're right! It's not unfair since they broke the trust. You're completely right. When the next request arrises, that is exactly what we will say. Duh, right?!
This may sound very cruel,
This may sound very cruel, but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. My work colleague has sole custody of his son who is 8. He is married to a very nice woman and they have the 8yo and a 3 yo. His ex is a train wreck, on and off drugs, has spent time in jail.
As the Dad is the sole decision maker when it comes to his son, he does not let his ex girlfriend have any contact with his son. None. He does not want her in his life, not in the child's formative years disrupting the life they have. When the child is 18 he can make a decision to contact his mother.
They do allow the grandparents and sister's family to have supervised visits with the boy and they are always present. This is on the terms the Dad sets. It is his child and he is responsible for raising him. He does want his son to know the rest of the family. The girlfriends family go to their home or they have joint outings. He does not allow his son to be present at gatherings where his mother may be, example the birthday party of the child's cousin. The child is never sent alone to his mother's family.
I can understand that you too want to act in the best interest of your stepson. It means your husband can and should set the rules for contact with his other family. The family of his ex have no right to visitation and it is granted at the discretion of the Dad - or your husband. If they respect your rules, they can have a relationship with their grandson or nephew. If not, you cut the ties. No visitation. This can be politely yet firmly communicated to them.
The BM in my life has been in
The BM in my life has been in a 30 day program. Been in and out of jail and lost custody a couple of years ago. SD went one year without talking to her. She is back in her life. And it’s no fun. They only talk on the phone....but it still causes issues.
But.....SD16 wants her in her life and she is old enough to deal with the Mom (sort of)
If a year can go by with her being sober...then the dad might want to allow minimal visits and phone calls.
That is tough when they turn
That is tough when they turn 16. SD went to stay with BM this summer and she hasn't come back, same city. SD is sort of the Mom so maybe its just her taking care of her Mom but I have no clue.
Sadly, DSO doesn't ask questions or make SD do anything. The stress of having full time, all the time, for 7 years really wore him down so it is nice having some time for us now.
BM is a script addict, gets them all legal and free thru her medicare. IDK what BM did to bribe SD to stay there bc generally, when school is in, she is back with us. SD is a good kid and I hope she remains that way.
I'm an alcoholic. My sobriety
I'm an alcoholic. My sobriety date is January 1, 2017. This is my 3rd and final go at it, because I know that if I drink again, I will lose everything...up to and including my life.
It's not the physical sobriety that changes an addict. It's the emotions and understanding why we turn to substances.
Almost a year later for me and I am still learning and discovering stuff in my own head.
Don't look at the situation as keeping a mother from her child. Look at it as keeping this child safe.
We, as addicts, are toxic until we are able to maintain sobriety for ourselves. Addiction is a selfish thing...so is kicking it.
figured it out, good for you
figured it out, good for you and best wishes on staying sober. i have a friend who had some hard wake up on his alcohol problem but he was been sober for more than four years.
Good for you Figured! Keep
Good for you Figured! Keep it up!
Happy Thanksgiving!!!
Congrats and good luck.
Congrats and good luck.
my brother had a relationship
my brother had a relationship with a drug addict. she got pregnant and had the child. when the child was less than a year the mother left and never returned. she may have returned to her life on the streets but my brother never saw the mother of his child again.
two weeks is nothing.
How does the child feel about
How does the child feel about seeing his mother? Normally, I would say "no way, don't let her near the kid" and I also think that it must be confusing and hurtful to the child. The only thing that gives me pause is that what if this is the last time for the child to see his mother sober or to see her at all.
My friend is a new stepmom to an 8 year old boy. This boy's mother has not really been in his life much for the past few years due to her drug addiction. I believe she saw him several months ago at his piano recital and might have seen him over the summer, but she did not have visitation. Two weeks ago, she died - unclear if it was an overdose, but considering her issues, I think it likely was. My friend said that the child seems to be coping ok, because he didn't really see his mother much, so he hasn't missed her presence in his life, but when he is older he might appreciate that his father enabled him to interact with his mother when she was clean enough to see him.
It's a tough call though, because you don't know how she's going to act or how the child is going to react. Is the child in therapy? Has he talked to anyone about his mother? I think the question is would it make him feel better to see her or worse? But also, when he is older, will he be angry that you kept him from seeing her, if he founds out? You can't really answer this last question, so maybe think about it in reverse, would he feel grateful that his father tried to create a way for him to see his mother when she was clean?
If the child has a therapist, could you ask the therapist to give some expert advice on how these types of meetings typically go?
Good luck to you. This is a challenging situation to be sure!
I thought I was reading an
I thought I was reading an old blog of mine when I read this. As a SM who just went through this...
I'd deny visits or make them supervised by your DH. The BM we deal with is 7-8 months sober and still hasn't "changed" as much as people try to act like she has. It traumatized my skids to see her again after she ignored the fact that they existed for a couple years.
She came back acting like she was the best ever and had never done all the horrible things to them. Claiming that no one should hold any of her past against her because she has been forgiven for all of them through the rehab program. *eyeroll*
I do not think you have a say
I do not think you have a say in this matter, this should be your husband's decision not yours and I would block BM's family from contacting me.
read BSgoingon's posts, she's in the same situation or use to be...
Even the most vile murderers
Even the most vile murderers in prison get supervised visitation w/their family/kids. She may request visitation through the courts and since she's been through rehab supervised visits would likely be granted. Like an above poster said it would be better if you were preemptive about this and offered her supervised visits through an agency rather than trying to block her out completely.