O/T Grandparent forums?
Forums:
I'm wondering if anyone knows a good forum for grandparents? I know it probably sounds pathetic but I find it difficult when I come to stay with my DD and SIL keeping my mouth shut about they way they do things. Because they live far away I have to stay and now I've been here a few days and it is driving me crazy. I'm trying very hard to keep quiet but it is very difficult at times... I would love a 'Grantalk,' in fact I may set one up as I haven't found a decent one yet!
I don't but I do not accept
I don't but I do not accept the role of grandparent to DH's grandson. The child is innocent, but unfortunately has horrible parents with genetic issues that will most likely affect this child.
I have no negative feelings toward this poor child. I feel sorry for him TBH. SS posts all of this stuff about wanting his son to be just like him. OMG - Nooooooooooo! Please don't this child have the psychological issues that SS has had since age 5.
I so hope this child can be normal.
I was really referring to my
I was really referring to my own grandkids. I have disengaged from the stepgrandkids- but that isn't an option when they are your own!
What is it that they do, that
What is it that they do, that drives you crazy?
There's only so much you can do when it comes to how someone else raises their kids. You can give your advice and your opinion, but ultimately, it's up to the parents.
I think it is because we live
I think it is because we live far apart, so when I see them it is full on for at least a few days and nights- and sometimes I want to bash my head against a wall. Here are just a few examples:
My SIL is very full on with the kids- but he can't just correct their behaviour and let it go- he has to bang on about it as if he's giving someone at work a disciplinary...
My daughter is inflexible with the division of labour- they both have separate roles and duties within the home and never interchange them- so I have to wait 'till DH prepares dinner because that's his job and sometimes I'm starving!!
The house is always cold- I turn up the thermostat when I get the chance but today it was so cold it gave me headache! I even felt like going outside to warm up lol!
The kids don't always get fed at sensible times and are given snacks until the parent, usually SIL, is ready to prepare their meals, which they never eat because they've been snacking so much!
DD makes excuses for the behaviour of her child, which is sometimes appalling- when I correct the child off she doesn't like it- which isn't often anyway- but sometimes it is needed.
They don't go to bed early enough- just my feeling- they don't seem to see that the kids aren't being naughty, they're just tired! They all get wound up and finish up yelling at each other.
These are just my gripes, but I feel better for letting go.
Since the kids were born my DD has never listened to my advice, so I've learnt to keep quiet, but sometimes it drives me loopy!
Ah fairyo I understand where
Ah fairyo I understand where you are coming from here. I live a couple hours from my kids and their families so usually stay over a night or two when I visit. It is always a rush trying to see both my sons and their wives and the four grandkids. Two each family. Each family has very different parenting styles.
I try to focus on just being the grandmother. Helping out some if needed, but I am not there to clean house or do adult kids chores or responsibilities. I am not there to discipline kids either...so far they are young toddlers and babies so will intervene if I see I need to for safety reasons and such.
I caution you to tread carefully with the DD and SIL with some of the things you would like to speak up about. Perhaps if something is very concerning then discuss it with your DD then let it go best you can. My DD cut off all contact with me a few years ago due to some issues she had in her mind about when I visited with her in her home. I have not seen my GD7 or even met the new baby GS. And I always tried to be a good house guest and helped my DD with all kinds of things...even painting rooms and such. She also cut off her Dad and his family and she rarely even sees her brothers. So I know it is not something I deserved. Time does not heal some heartbreaks.
So perhaps keep the visits shorter if you know you will not be comfortable. Maybe try to break them up with some outings with the grandkids. Maybe a special outing for lunch or something you both enjoy with your DD.
Bring things for your own comfort. Have some snacks on hand in your travel bag. I carry snacks for the car trip and sometimes end up eating them because I am just rushing about too much to stop to eat. Or can't decide what I want.
Bring extra layers so your can be warm in the house. Cuddle duds are excellent for layering. Drink warm tea to bring your internal temp up and ward off the chill. Retire to your room for a rest period with a book or music under a blanket. If you are bunking in the living room or family room and need a rest time, ask to use one of the kids bedrooms. Especially if the family stays up real late and you have no where to go until they all go to bed.
If you do have a guest room, go ahead and go to bed when you want. Read for a while or listen to music. I travel with a small fan in summer and a small ceramic fan heater in winter because it gives me white noise in my room and also can regulate the temperature of the zone I am in. At my one sons who I have only stayed with a couple times, I sleep on the sofa. They go to bed pretty early though.
At my other sons I stay in the GS3 room. He just uses it for a play room as he still is in parents room on small bed. Usually I have to pick up toys or tons of Legos to get to bed!
I bring my own bottled water, linens, pillows and towels even. I just keep a set in the travel bag so I do not have to impose on anyone. And I am fussy on those things so prefer my own.
Likely it will be best if you do not adjust their thermostat without asking. Going outside for a walk is a good idea actually. The fresh air is good and it will release some energy. Maybe a grandkid will go along with you. When you come back in from the outdoors the house will feel warmer.
In one sons house the bed time routine is not as scheduled and is very noisy. In the other it is structured, kids are prepared for bed and into their rooms they go. Even the baby. I could say something on my opinion on things but why...it is not my place to tell them how to raise their kids or run their homes. They are all good loving parents to their children.
I wish I could be around more but the distance makes that hard.
DH and I are to go visit next weekend. We will stay in a hotel nearby so it will be more comfortable for the two of us. I don't mind camping on a sofa or kids room but know that DH would not enjoy it so much. He does not go with me every visit. Only a few times a year maybe.
Try to enjoy the visits. Grandkids grow up so fast. Just enjoy being grandma. Leave the rest to your DD. Be a good house guest...try to bring what you feel you need for your comfort. When it gets overwhelming for you take some time for yourself to rest or offer to go to store for milk or whatever to get out of the house.
As I am rolling on towards late fifties I am pretty set in my ways. I like my comfort, I miss my house and dogs when away from home. And DH too.
Hope these ideas help some. Hang in there.
Also...when my mom visits she
Also...when my mom visits she always likes to cook something for us...a special treat since I miss good home cookin!
Can you offer ahead of time to prepare dinner one night of your stay? Maybe even prepare it at home and freeze it to bring along if you are driving there. Or a special dish you like to make? Or offer to get pizza or something one night.
I usually do the pizza thing. Last visit my younger son prepared a great meal...'gourmet to my standards I did not know he could even cook like that.
We are doing take out pizza next visit for our family get together. That way we can all enjoy visiting and watch the kids playing and hold babies.
Thankyou so much for these
Thankyou so much for these words of wisdom- I used to do chores to help my DD (I had no help bringing up my kids) but I would get told off, so I too stopped doing this and I rarely discipline the kids, but clearly should not allow them to throw rocks at me!
I am so sorry to hear that your DD cut you off-that must be very hard. I'm pretty sure that won't happen here as I am the only one there for them with any consistency- they have no immediate family where they are and SILs parents are not hands on either. I know they value my visits and I try to support rather than judge, but it is hard.
You did not deserve what happened, and maybe one day your DD will realise...and you will see your grandkids again.
To be fair I was in a bad place when I posted-my visits are not normally so long but I won't be seeing them at Christmas and I came to help with their preparations, school and community activities etc. DH was due to join me but the weather is bad and I may have to stay another night- I think this upset me more than I realised.
Your tips are very welcome, especially about the snacks. I often bring my own pillow, but I come here by train and had gifts in my case so was limited with what I could bring this time.
I do have a warm and cosy room and going to bed early was an option I considered- but in the end we watched a film and had a relaxing evening.
I do walk a lot when I'm here because I have no car and it is a great stress reliever- going to the local shops is one of the pleasures of my visits, especially with a grandson in tow!
You sound like a wonderful grandma and I know my grandsons love me to come- we read together, bake, play outside when it's fine and have lots of fun- my DD and SIL are good parents and I admire a lot of what they do with so little help.
I am just turned 60- I always find these visits tiring and feel frustrated like you, that my life has to be put on hold while I am here- but it is the best we can all do and I do realise these young years are very precious when the kids want to give you hugs and listen to your stories. I do cook for them also sometimes, but my DD sees this as helping SIL and not her, as weekend cooking is his job. I sometimes think he gets stressed so I can 'take over' his responsibilities but I try not to as I know it annoys DD!
Thankyou so much for your reply- I am very lucky to have lived to see them and sometimes need reminding of that.
Fairyo---we can chat Granny
Fairyo---we can chat Granny stuff here. Many of us are and some of us still have minors at home too.
LOVE our Grandchild and adult kid plus we have THE best kid-in-law we could have asked for.
Anyway--Here is what we do, We stay at a hotel or take our RV. We would never impose on the family rhythm they have AND best of all we have a place to decompress from.
For all of you who say your tired, feel over worked and down right pooped..take that control back even if it is a Motel 6.
BUT MOMMMM come stay with USssss....that means MOM come stay with us so you can babysit so hubby and I can go out all weekend long. Don't forget GRANNY Princess wants YOU to get up with her at 6am too.
NOPE--not this granny. We will come to you and leave too
**during our travels all the Grannys and Grandpas say the same thing. They love their Grandkids and invite the parents AND grandkids to spend a 1 or two nights in the rig with them. THEY cant wait until they leave. They are super nice people too. **
Oh, now about disipling our
Oh, now about disipling our Grandchild...OH no no noooooooooo
Totally hands off.
Not your job nor obligation. IF emergency is going on one kid pulling sibling hair or something like that of course I would separate, check injuries and make them sit until MOM came home/or dad who ever was close by.
When my Mom would come visit (RIP MOM) us when our kids were little, WE treated her like a guest, NOT like a babysitter or cook or maid.
I would never have put my mom into a role other than enjoying ever second of her visit. I think todays young adult have a lot of guts and nerve these days. And Some Grannys think they are obligated to play mommy and daddy to grandkids.
Again, not this Granny and Grandpa...we do dote on the Grandchild I will say for sure AFTER we ask MOM and DAD first.