SD issues
Hi i am new to this. I need a place to vent. A little confused with the abreviations.
I swept the floor today and my SD, who is 15, decided to eat chips in the living room leaving crumbs all over the floor. I noticed it and asked in front of her dad if she was eating chips, she said yes. Then i asked if she used a plate. She then said yes. Then i asked, why there is so much crumbs on the floor and with a snotty look she shrugged her shoulders. My husband not saying anything at the time. I asked him if he had something to say he says "if you would have cooked she wouldnt be eating chips" . The thing is I did cook and i offered her some and she said no, she did not want any. This is what i have to deal with. Am i wrong or is he? Am I just too demanding?
The bio parent needs to step
The bio parent needs to step up and have his daughter clean up after herself. I understand this sounds impossible. I was told by a professional counselor not to parent step kids. Our role is to support bio parent that is it. Have a conversation with dh away from sd. Put this situation on dh. I have had nothing but trouble when I try to parent skids. I am not there parent and have no authority that is a fact. I was frustrated with taking responsibility for parenting skids when dw would not. Your experience with the crumbs is text book stuff. Bio parent has to say clean your mess and without sd knowing you are telling dad to do so.
Pick up the chip crumbs and
Pick up the chip crumbs and sprinkle them in between her sheets in her bed. When she complains to DH use his logic. If she wouldn't have made the crumbs they wouldn't have ended up in her bed. Because if you made dinner the crumbs wouldn't exist. Insanity!
LOL
LOL }:)
Your approach to this is very
Your approach to this is very petty and honestly would leave me annoyed.
The kid made a mess. Why do you need 30 questions to figure it out and why do you have to prove she's lying or whatever the goal was?
When interacting you need to decide what you want which in this case should have been SD to clean up her mess.
As such there was only need for one question / demand.
"Hey SD I believe you made a mess in here. You need to come clean it up."
It doesn't matter if you did or didn't offer to make anything. It doesn't matter if she would or would not eat it. She made a mess and she needs to clean it up. If there is an issue then refer to BD. "It's her mess and I'm not cleaning it up. You can request she clean it up(Enforce) or you can do it yourself.
Basically think about what you want and don't beat around the bush. Don't put her down. Don't make her look bad. She's 15. She ate chips. It makes a mess. Have her clean it up. Done.
The reason I made all those
The reason I made all those questions is because her and her dad would literally sit there and say she did not do it, so By asking the question she would admit she did it. If I say, "who ever ate the chips please clean it up", she would not do it and her dad would not make her and he would probably say "oh i did not see her eating chips."
Then you and DH need to have
Then you and DH need to have a sit down. As we've seen here 100s of times. If DH isn't going to make the kid mind then he does it himself. Don't get into an argument with the kid because right now it seems like your making yourself out to be all high and mighty to prove the kid a liar. Which you are. So of course DH comes to her protection.
You don't say "Who ever ate the chips please clean it up."
You say "SD you need to go in there and clean up your mess." She tries saying she didn't do it then turn to DH "Your turn to clean up."
I do agree with others, in
I do agree with others, in that perhaps too many questions were asked instead of just dealing with it straight away 'we all live here together & are old enough to keep house...whomever ate chips, could you please sweep them up, thanks?' Then walk away.
Something I got from my sister 'Plant the seed & then walk away'. Some days, it's a sanity-saver
As for your DH's response...ouch!
The reason I made all those
The reason I made all those questions is because her and her dad would literally sit there and say she did not do it, so By asking the question she would admit she did it. If I say, "who ever ate the chips please clean it up", she would not do it and her dad would not make her and he would probably say "oh i did not see her eating chips."
In that case...just tell her
In that case...just tell her to sweep the floor. Doesn't matter who made the mess...she's a kid and she has a chore because you say so.
Your DH is being an enabling ahole. Don't let him. It's your house, too.
Easier said than done when you're dealing with a man with kids, I know.
Go to the broom closet, hand
Go to the broom closet, hand the broom to SD15 and say "please clean up your chip crumbs, I just swept and I would like for it to be swept up, like I had it." Tell DH, "I did cook, SD15 didn't want to eat what I fixed. I don't mind her eating something else, but she needs to clean up after herself."
Get to the point, don't let them treat you this way. You can say it in a civil manner, but get to the point and do not back off. If DH doesn't have your back and tell SD15 to sweep, hand him the broom.
You are letting them treat you badly.
It won't get better.
Why isn't your husband
Why isn't your husband spending more time with his daughter....he can teach her to cook while HE makes everyone dinner. Then he can show her how to use a vacuum.
Those two fall under LIFE SKILLS taught by bio parents.
Then I would have grabbed my keys and went for a pedicure.
Learn to cook things she
Learn to cook things she likes.
JUST KIDDING!!!
"SD, I noticed you left some tater chips on the floor. Will you please sweep them up?"
Husband sounds like a smart-aleck - OR a jerk. Reminded me of this joke:
Three friends married women from different parts of the US.
The first man married a woman from Utah. He told her she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Tennessee. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day, he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a Cajun girl. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.
hahahaha, He supports her in
hahahaha, He supports her in anything. Even to the point of not doing any chores at home any more.
After reading all the replies
After reading all the replies and reflecting...
I'd consider telling SO that I am not the butler or the nanny. When anyone eats, they make a mess; when they make a mess, it's up to that person to clean up after themselves. That's how we do it here on Earth, and as a 15-year-old adult-in-training, she needs to get her patoot in the game.
I like your choice of words.
I like your choice of words. I will definitely use them. Thank you
I can't say that I have any
I can't say that I have any magic words for you but certainly the comments you have received thus far are enlightening. It is about taking your power back and keeping it. I lost the battle with this so many times that in the end it was my marriage that had to go. My spouse undermined me and sabotaged any good relationship I would have had with the SD (and it was good at the beginning but as things got more challenging he took her side.....ALWAYS). I am still blamed for "ruining it" if you can believe that. But if you are scapegoated often enough you might come to believe it and your self esteem will surely suffer. Mine did. Until the day that I walked into the attorney's office with my check and pen ready. At that point I reclaimed my self worth and dignity. My spouse chose his kid over our marriage. I can recommend family counseling and soon if your spouse will agree to it. Mine didn't. Good luck friend.