Here's the thing. She is the gatekeeper to the kids. If there are things you can do better to get along with her, just do it. If meeting with her to clear the air will do it, or just stepping up your ways when you deal with her will do it, I say do it. It might be too late - we women can really hold a grudge. But you want to be able to say down the pike that you did everything you could to be fair and treat her right. It doesn't matter if she doesn't do the right thing back - you always need to do the right thing as best you can with what she gives you. It will give you peace of mind.

Any woman (especially one who has already been a SM in a prior relationship) who picks a man with FIVE kids and TWO BMs, should know to have zero, zip, nada communication and/or interaction with either BM.

The mothers are your husband's to have to deal with. If the mother (or, yes, the SM) is high conflict and difficult, they need to stick strictly to the father doing all dealings. There should be no " I will admit the she and I could handle each other better but that is between she and I not the kids".

Is there any truth to the abuse accusations? Even a tiny shred? I hope not, but once accusations start flying there is usually no turning back. And while this time the accusations are against your DH, it's probably a matter of time before the next ones are waged against you.

Stay completely away from BOTH BMs. You block their emails, calls and text. You stay in the house during exchanges. These women do not have to deal with you in any way shape or form... nor you with them.

Things will not magically just be ok. She will not wake up sometime next week and have new personality. The only things that you can change is your behavior and you can help guide your husband to more contructive behavior too. This woman, rightly or wrongly, feels threatened by you and your presence. If you remove yourself or distance yourself from her sphere of vision she may start to relax a little. If your husband manages to perfect parallel parenting and maintain minimal and functional communication with BM she may have fewer openings to interfere. As for the children, perhaps some therapy could help them get things in perspective or if your husband gets some therapy himself perhaps he can work in ways to counter their alienation.

As for if you should walk away, that is your choice. All I can say is that life will not be easy for you in this relationship. You have to decide if it is worth it.

BM can choose to be either a gatekeeper or a hatekeeper. In this case, BM has chosen to be a hatekeeper. There is nothing you can do other than try to remove yourself from the fallout from that as much as possible, and leave it, appropriately, for your husband to deal with.

Totally agree to remove yourself from the BM's - they will never change. My SO has a high conflict ex with personality disorders. I tried in the beginning to have a relationship with her, but the minute she doesn't get her way, all hell breaks loose. I removed myself from the whole situation mainly so his 14 year old daughter wouldn't get caught in the middle of worrying about her mom's reaction about us spending time together. I don't communicate with her at all anymore, have blocked her, her husband and her mother on Facebook, and have asked my SO not to share any of her crazy texts with me. It's done wonders for our relationship!