Not sure what to do or how to disengage
Hi, I am new to this forum. I have been remarried for four years and dated my husband for two years before that. I have two grown children moved out of the house and he has a 14 year old and a 17 year old about to go to college. My relationship with my step-sons is stressful...very stressful. I am the complete opposite of the 17 year old. He is a very intolerant of most things (best description would be the stereotype "redneck" in the movies) very much only wants anything to do with what he feels is "American". He loves to fish and really wants to be a hunter. I cannot relate to any of these things because I don't think he is exactly gentle with the animals he is pursuing and that is the opposite of me. I have nothing against hunters or fisherman but it is his attitude about it. He is also beginning that I'm an adult attitude cause he is a senior. They are typical rowdy ruff unruly boys. My husband and I are not on the same page...when they are being to rowdy I want to put an end to it and he just says come on they are boys, I don't want to make them so straight laced they won't want to be here. Each time there is a custody change I feel they walk into the house and I loose every piece of control of my own environment. Hubby and I have had conversations but if it involves kids we just end up feeling bad. He says he likes who the boys are and doesn't see any problem. He says he will do what I ask but he hates it....now what do I do? To add to this problem, I am not happy about how he co parents, not with me, but his ex. They communicate everyday...all day long. I just found out recently (less than a year ago) this was happening. I always admired how well (mostly) they communicate and work together with the boys. However it has come to me that maybe this is why him and I don't co parent or set the rules. This brings me to disengaging... I am not really liked by my stepkids, nor do we have anything in common, I watch as no one ever gives them a consequence, I watch as at times my home (their home) is being ruined and about 90% of the time I don't even know what is going on with them because their mom and dad are taking care of it. Is it possible to disengage from the kids and remove yourself physically for most the time they are there and still maintain a good relationship with your spouse?
Yes, you can have a great
Yes, you can have a great marriage, if that's what you set your sights for. You can totally turn it over to your DH and not lift a little finger for SS's, only for you and your DH. Let them make a mess, cook, dirty laundry, whatever.....you can set house rules; but doubt that will work, unless DH backs you; mine never would.
It will become obvious, very soon, that you are needed; but do not relent to their wants, and whines. Just never have words with these two SS's and don't listen or participate in any parenting. Be civil and busy.
If there is destruction, have it fixed and DH can pay the bills. Let DH pay the grocery tab for them also.
If you want your marriage to work, you are going to have to hand this to your DH and BM and find something to occupy your life during the times of co-parenting.
I never got involved with parenting my skids. They were college age and YSS was 15, when DH and I got together. I always let him do it and I never gave it a thought. My SS15 skipped school, wrecked DH's vehicle, wrecked BM's car, on and on. YSS15 thought he was getting by with it all, because I never said a word. Then came the calls to DH from the school, the next auto insurance bill, and the cops; well I stayed out of it all; yes, it cost DH bunches of $$$$, but I kept my earnings separated and didn't care; because DH paid the rent, utilities, and bought all the groceries.
It won't be long, your SS's will both be off to college. Keep your $$$ separate and enjoy your marriage and your own life. Ignore them, no matter how rough they treat you, walk away. You cannot change how they feel about you, but you CAN change how you feel about yourself and your marriage. I've been where you are and totally get it.
Build a life for yourself during these difficult times. Don't fight about it, it's not worth it.
((((hugs))))
Oooooh- welcome to Steptalk.
Oooooh- welcome to Steptalk. You have come to a good place to vent your feelings and get advice on your situation. Be prepared for some things you may not want to hear...
Well, you don't have much in common with these boys- this is fair enough- who says you have to? Boys of this age are best left to do their own stuff, it would seem to me.
However, the losing control of your own environment is a different issue. Your DH should be on your side in that they are of an age where they should respect your space. He hates doing what you ask- this is the problem with DHs- they don't like the idea of you being a vocal person in this dynamic- you are in the way of their macho activities and DH might pay lip service but you do not have any authority or influence here.
The communicating with ex is a bigger concern- these boys should be fairly independent by now and don't need this constant supervision by both bios. This is a great big red flag and how come it took you so long to know this was happening?
Is it possible to disengage? Yes, yes and yes! These young men do not need toilet supervision and can be left to do most things on their own. So, my advice would be to get some activities to do outside the home-get some girly friends round to balance the hormonal atmosphere and just generally get on with your own stuff as much as possible.
Will you retain a good relationship with your DH? Who knows? I think you should work primarily on maintaining a good relationship with yourself because everything else is going to be much more difficult. Raising your own self-esteem should enable you to tackle the big question here- which is why is he in constant communication with BM? This is the main issue here...
It took me a while because I
It took me a while because I always knew they talked and great communication with each other. Trading days, vacations and basically any changes or switches etc. are handled very easily because of the relationship. I admire how they were able to do this. Then my stepson's close friend died and there was controversy around it and very difficult for him. My husband and his ex had a lot to manage, however several months down the road the calls were still coming and I asked him exactly how often they talk and text. He said a lot and he handed me his phone so that I could see the texts. Prior to this event I knew it was more than most couples. I do not suspect or even think that anything is going on between the two other than they are both soooooooo focused on the kids lives, however I think that my husband is not seeing how this makes it harder for us to act as a cohesive family.
I will "re-type"....."Ignore
I will "re-type"....."Ignore them, no matter how they attempt to mistreat you and totally disengage from the entire situation. They cannot mistreat you, if you do not allow it. Save yourself a lifetime of heartache." I stand corrected, no problem.
OP: I have been married 38 years with three adult step-kids from day one; youngest being 15 at the time. I NEVER attempted to parent DH's kids and if I had it to do over, I would never even engage with my SD; eight years ago she pushed it until I totally disengaged. Her loss, DH's loss, and we are no longer the Brady Bunch Family. I have my identity and freedom back. I took back my territory; there are ways to do it without ruining your relationship with your DH (don't engage or attempt to get involved to begin with).
Like I said, save yourself a lifetime of heartache. Let DH and BM run this circus, don't get involved. I had the same rule breaking, sloppy YSS15 that you are referring to here; I survived it by letting my DH handle it, at his own expense, not mine.
Good luck
Stay here on this great site and the amazing support.
What were the ways you
What were the ways you disengaged without ruining you relationship with your husband. I don't know how to take back my territory without hubby being hurt. I mean how does someone love a person that doesn't like your kid.
ladyjustice: I can only tell
ladyjustice: I can only tell you what I did; please do not mistake it for advice, because everyone's situation is very different.
I let it all build up, until I had a melt down; this is NOT the best way to handle disengagement. My DH caused the melt down, when I found out he betrayed me to SD56 and SD's passive aggression had been going on for several years. SD56 wrote me a hate email and threw DH under the bus. This is where my situation is different; I kicked DH out and sent him up the street to SD56 and SIL's house for a while. I had some time to slow down and think. I wish I had thought it out and taken disengagement slowly; it would have caused less hate between DH and myself. It did cause our marriage to be very different. That was four years ago and we are doing much better now. We moved away from all the skids (neighboring State), but close enough for them to visit their Dad.
Later, I finally had a heart to heart talk with DH. I pointed out that he has never been mistreated by my family and that I never expected to be mistreated by him and SD56, I was extremely disappointed in his actions, it changed everything, there would be no more "Brady Bunch Family, because I wanted no more stress or hurt in my life from them. I also discussed with him what I expected from that day forward. I told him everything up front with honesty, while we were both civil and calmed down. I explained all my feelings and that I was setting boundaries for myself, not DH nor anyone else.
Now, I do not join my DH during any engagement with his grown kids. I do NOT ask about them, I do not discuss their lives with him. I change the subject and limit it greatly. I have turned his kids entirely over to him, I'm involved only when I have no control over the situation and that is extremely limited. I have always left the door open for them to come and visit DH, because he is disabled. I am civil and polite when they come by, which is only about three-four times a year, since we have moved away from SD56. I do not prepare meals, buy gifts, nor hostess them in any way. It is totally up to DH to take care of social manners; which he is not good at doing. Not my problem.
I set myself goals for my "own life". I include DH if he choses, but I never insist that he joins me. I also go on with our marriage with love and caring for him. I love my DH. I believe in my vows "during sickness and health". He caused me a world of hurt and distrust; I have put that aside, but will never forget or forgive. So I have learned to live with my separation of it all. I have rough days, but am getting much better at handling the "gas lighting" that my DH and SD still attempt. Holidays are also difficult. I do not step back and open myself up, for the treatment I let them give me for 30+ years. I will never go back on my disengagement, as difficult as it may be in the future.
My DH has had unpleasant issues with his children for years, long before I met him. He and BM had a very ugly life, fighting etc.; which I was never subjected to in my first marriage, nor while I was growing up. So handling this type of aggression was difficult for me, for years. Then I woke up and decided it wasn't my problem and I let it go through disengagement.
The only solid advice I have for you; begin taking care of yourself and I am very serious about this advice. The stress you cause yourself, by letting yourself be mistreated is extremely harmful. I am recovering, due to this site and the support I receive here; I will always be here on this site, because I will always need the support. It's like a recovering from an addiction to mistreatment, you always need to stay on top of your boundaries and goals.
To answer your question on DH liking my disengagement; he does not. But with that said, he is doing much better with my disengagement from his DD. He is understanding now, exactly what he and she have done to our marriage. So my answer is "time and honesty", along with being civil. That's all you can do and it is your DH's problem to get over it. You can't change his thinking, but you can change your own and that teaches him through actions. This is what I have done and it is getting better every day, every occasion.
I will continue to read and follow your posts.
lots of ((((hugs))))
How did you end up in a house
How did you end up in a house full of rednecks?! Guess you better watch "Larry the Cable Guy" and some Jeff Foxworthy specials so you can speak their language.
I suggest putting the rednecks in a trailer on the back 40 and make sure they take all their antlers with them while you hole yourself up in the house. Good luck! Do you drink? If not nows the time to start...heavy strong liquor.
Funny....martinis are my
Funny....martinis are my life. I just have one redneck though.
Vodka or gin martini?
Vodka or gin martini?
Vodka.......Lol....
Vodka.......Lol....
Gin for me!
Gin for me!
Vodka
Vodka
Well Disengagement has begun.
Well Disengagement has begun. I spent Friday to Monday at our cottage partially alone and partially with my daughter. Husband and step sons had a football game to go to so I took the opportunity to go away for the extended weekend while we had the boys. It worked out so good. I saw my step sons for about an hour on Monday night and that was it. The house was clean by the time I got back and no stress or issues at all. This might be able to work although hubby really missed me and I missed him.
Well done- sounds like a win
Well done- sounds like a win win for everyone. Let him miss you!