Wedding buffoonery
I mentioned in the past that because I disengaged and banned my stepkids from my home, OSD has retaliated and banned us from hers. The other two kids have been following her attitude as well.
Not that my disengaging affects them. They still use my DH as an ATM and use him to buy their many meals.
After Thanksgiving, I vowed to never go to any of OSD's events. Which is just as well because her wedding invitation did not include my name. And my naive DH thought it was a mistake and asked her, to which she said I wasn't invited on purpose.
As much as I have disengaged, it still hurts when you have helped raise these children for 15 years.
Now the big brouhaha is that due to MY disrespect and my DH allowing it, OSD doesn't feel comfortable having DH walk her down the aisle and will just have her stepfather do it.
To say my DH is crushed is an understatement. His mother recently passed and this was just icing on the cake. We have paid for most of the wedding by the way.
How are people so cruel?
Oh, my DH is total doormat to
Oh, my DH is total doormat to his children. He has the audacity to be pissed at me "for starting this mess" (his words). He would never ruin OSD's wedding.
The BM and stepfather are equally cruel people who have spent the better part of a decade making sure my DH is nothing more than an ATM for his kids. No wonder the stepkids turned out this way.
Wow on your DH he is pissed
Wow on your DH he is pissed at you for starting this mess??? He blames you for his rude entitled children. How classic of a guilty Disney dad. I hope the monetary aspect for the wedding doesn't affect you, which I am sure in one way or another it does. If it doesn't, and guilty daddy continues on this charade, and be willing to foot the bill for a wedding his wife isn't invited to, and where his role as Daddy has been demoted, then he deserves it. Sorry, I cant feel sorry for him, especially after reading he blames you for this. I would have gone into his daughters purse, taken DH's balls, and ripped them to shreds. (only joking).
Yes, he wishes it was how it
Yes, he wishes it was how it used to be. Basically let them storm into our house, eat our food, disrespect both of us.
It's like that other forum post, these men will do anything for CRUMBS of affection.
I still feel sorry for him. I know how much he has suffered for just trying to be a father. He's been defeated and both of us know it. I am both angry with him and sad for the both of us.
Yes, it's very common for
Yes, it's very common for these dad's who don't want to be inconvenienced to blame this on the SM....for the mere fact that she exists and is an unwanted intruder in his poor little children's lives. "It's so hard for them being children of divorce!"
These types of dads want the benefits of being a dad along with the ego stroking and also the benefits of having a wife. Add the guilt they carry for whatever they contributed to the divorce - because no matter what they say about BM it's a two way street - and then dad wants to have no expectations of his creampuffs whatsoever so there is no burden on the SACRED CHILDREN.
But don't inconvenience the poor guy.
I am in a bad mood today if you can't tell.
I hear you Sacrificial and
I hear you Sacrificial and agree with everything you say!! Hence my own comment about balls in daughters purse. I assume that's where they are for mine, haven't seen his balls in awhile.(ok that sounded bad, but you know what I meant)
There are two interpretations
There are two interpretations but I think I get it!
I would end the mess than.
I would end the mess than. Since you started it and he doesn't want to accept that he forced the issue. Any chance you can stay with a friend for a few days and let him figure this out. He is just as guilty for making this the kids and SM.
" We have paid for most of
" We have paid for most of the wedding by the way."
Yes, if Dad can get back part of what he has paid out, do so. If he can stop paying any additional not yet paid, do so.
Oh, and if you want to see a real power play attempt between father and daughter, he can cancel absolutely everything and just cut his loss. If *we're* pretending there is no Daddy, well then there is no Daddy money.
Heck, perhaps you and DH would like to renew your vows and have a second wedding for yourselves. Use the venue, flowers, catering whatever you've already paid for and get remarried with your own friends present.
If only. There is no way my
If only. There is no way my DH would ruin his "princess's" big day though. And OSD knows it too. Years of mentally beating down their father, emotional blackmail, has ensured he will be in the palm of their hands forever.
This would be a dealbreaker
This would be a dealbreaker for me. I'm not attracted to men with no dignity. Why stay with a man who has so little regard and respect for you, and himself?
I give him more leeway
I give him more leeway because I have seen first hand how they broke him. I am angry at him for still being their doormat though.
I will always love him unfortunately. He saved me from a very dark time in my life.
OK, DH saved you from a very
OK, DH saved you from a very dark time in your life. If 'WE' paid for the wedding, YOU are not invited, and OSD is threatening to cut DH out of it, you've paid DH back for his 'services'. Now he is using you as a free scapegoat. Enough. I suggest telling him you are 'allowing' him to deal with it himself, you will no longer discuss anything else to do with the wedding, and you will not accept any blame for SD-Bridezilla tantrums.
It sounds like you are being manipulated as a convenient whipping post. Stop it now.
"I'm not attracted to men
"I'm not attracted to men with no dignity. Why stay with a man who has so little regard and respect for you, and himself?"
Yep.
What a slap in the face! Step
What a slap in the face! Step daughter is a real "B". Now your DH is going to blame you, really, come on he knows better. He just can't bring himself to say the truth. These ATM Dads think that giving money will keep them in the loop with their children's lives. IT DOESN'T. Skids just use them for money because that is how they were raised. Just think how humiliating it is going to be for your husband to watch his daughter and her step father at the wedding ceremony. Thank the lord you don't have to go.
Ss32 and his GF have been
Ss32 and his GF have been banned since last March. They totally ignored DH at Christmas. No phone call even. Dh hasn’t seen the grand child in several months.
But the jokes on them as DH really doesn’t care. He’s 60 years old and just not that into babies. SS does call DH every couple of weeks.
It’s the GF who is having a hissy fit about not getting to use my stuff.
The same thing happened to a
The same thing happened to a friend of mine. The next step was her SD told her father he was not welcome at her wedding AT ALL.
So your OSD may not be done yet.
She apparently feels that she should not have to share her father with you. Not being able to walk her down the aisle is leverage she is happy to throw at her father to get her way. She sounds like a supreme manipulator, like my own OSD, who manages relationships through Manipulation and Reward/Punish.
I know the hurt and I am sorry you are feeling that way. I remember the sting I felt when OSD told DH I was not her family and she should not need to include me. When he told her he didn't like how she was behaving, she had a melt down, cried because daddy defended his wife and not her, told him she needed counseling now...blah blah blah I am sure you've heard the same crap. And the punishment began.
Be glad you are skipping the wedding. I wish I had known then what I know now, but I was still in Be Nice And They Will Like Me mode.
Sounds to me like this is
Sounds to me like this is another power play for SD. She is expecting you to call and beg her to allow DH to walk her down the aisle just like you called and begged her to invite DH to Thanksgiving. When you did that you handed over all power to her. She got to be the "hero" by "allowing" DH to come to Thanksgiving. You need to step out of this and let DH deal with it.
Whatever you do do not call SD again!!!!! You set the tone and gave her the power last time and she used it set her mean girls clan on you during Thanksgiving. She is expecting a repeat of the last time she banished you. Don't give her the satisfaction again.
Check out this post. It helped me alot step back and remove myself from the games my SDs play.
https://www.steptalk.org/node/61081
I agree with others about CG.
I agree with others about CG. Ignore, ignore, ignore from here on out. I've said my piece. She needs to go. What a prig.
Oh yes. You're married to the father and are being banned from a wedding that you paid for by a girl that you helped raise, and most likely contributed to financially, for 15 years...and now you're watching your DH be broken-hearted because said "child who he loves" is letting her SF walk her down the aisle. Somehow, venting about that hurt on an anonymous site means that you are "constantly reminding" your husband that you hate his kids and that you "think you're more perceptive" than he is and are "involving yourself in a situation that doesn't require your input."
STFU. Where in this post could you possibly see any of that?
For the record, my DH mentioned while we were out at dinner the other night that his kids and BM tend to reach out to him when they need money and how it's hurtful. So, yeah...he sees it and he DOES mind quite a bit. Me agreeing with him or acknowledging his hurt, as it seems OP is doing for her husband, doesn't mean I'm the one pointing it out or constantly harping on his awful kids.
You nailed it TwoOfUs. This
You nailed it TwoOfUs. This is the stereotypical view of SMs in general: "Oh yes. You're married to the father and are being banned from a wedding that you paid for by a girl that you helped raise, and most likely contributed to financially, for 15 years...and now you're watching your DH be broken-hearted because said "child who he loves" is letting her SF walk her down the aisle. Somehow, venting about that hurt on an anonymous site means that you are "constantly reminding" your husband that you hate his kids and that you "think you're more perceptive" than he is and are "involving yourself in a situation that doesn't require your input."
I actually think it is good CG posts from time to time because it reminds us of what the typical/ignorant/societal view is of SMs. There is no recognition from anyone that these women are married to their husbands or serious SOs of. Just like any other married couple, when one spends $10, it is going to affect the other, because, despite what many assume or I should say want to assume, their finances are combined. They are a joined-at-the-hip couple and even if they have separate accounts, what comes and goes out of each account affects the other. There really is no such thing as a married couple with truly separate finances, literally, and most states even recognize this to a degree. So, I'm always rather somewhat dumbfounded when someone comes on this site and tries to act like someone's husband can spend even $100 on someone else (doesn't matter who it is) and it is somehow not going to affect the other spouse. Doesn't work that way.
I still think it is good for us to get reminders, tho., how most would analyze pretty much any step situation--SM is in the way. Doesn't matter if she's been dating dad for 3 months, his SO for five years, or married for 15 years to dad, all of these type of "SMs" are thought of the same way--women who just want their man and don't care about the kids. Like you said, TwoOfUs, a SM is "banned from a wedding that she paid for by a girl that she helped raise, and most likely contributed to financially, for 15 years," but none of that matters. Logic is clearly lacking in this typical view. This typical, ignorant view of SMs exists because SKs or COD have all been told over and over that the divorce will not have much of an affect on their family, if any, other than separate households, of course. Everyone wants to keep up that fiasco, including so-called professionals, to rid themselves of any and all responsibility or guilt from divorce fallout, so guess what?, SM pays the price for it. And, when people come on this site and act like THEY know it all, despite the fact that they have never been in that position and are just drinking the societal Koolaid in reference to SMs whether they realize it or not, it gives us the opportunity to let them know how flawed and backward that thinking really is, and also to remind them that to expect the Little Woman, through no fault of her own, to just suck it up and take it and settle for a not-a-real-marriage marriage for her man/his children is really nothing more than good ol' fashioned sexism.
PS - Allowing your adult
PS - Allowing your adult daughter to walk all over you without any attempt at correction actually is the opposite of loving behavior. It's weak, fear-based behavior.
So, CG, if you're reading. Your ideas of what constitutes love are effed up. If this dad loved his daughter enough (and his wife) he would quit being a doormat and establish healthy boundaries. It's perfectly OK, and even loving, to say to adult children: "This is how you will treat me or we won't have a relationship."
My DH did it to his out-of-line daughter and guess what? She came back in about 6 months, started making an effort...and they have a much healthier, more loving relationship than they would have if he'd kept whining and begging for affection.
If your husband allies his
If your husband allies his daughter to treat him and you like that. He soulld be happy that he is and jerk. To creek it clean..
Nothing you can do except hit him over thr head with a 2 x 4. He not going to change.
You have to take controll of the money so SD is cut off. Once you cut her off, you will never se her
I would cut the money for the wedding, if SD is walking her down the isle, let SD pay
Disengagement....the
Disengagement....the aftermath is what you are experiencing here; of course you now realize this.
When I disengaged, eight years ago; it was as if I overturned the boat in the middle of a large lake; I was the only person without a life jacket.
It took at least 5 years, for me to accept all the consequences of disengaging. I have never regretted my disengagement. My SD57 and SGD34 (mother/daughter) are infuriated that I disengaged; it put an end to their bad treatment towards me (30+ years).
Yes, I was blamed for tearing apart the "Brady Bunch Family"; it's my fault that we no longer socialize in any way; which we did a great deal of socializing for years, at my expense. Yes, you are lonely and left out of it all (who cares). When your OSD banned you from her home, she did you a favor. You no longer have to make excuses for not going to OSD's home.
My DH is no longer the ATM. I cut ALL purse strings, years ago; that was the beginning of our disengagement, now that I look back. Yes, I am to blame for that too, rightfully so.
You mentioned your DH allows the disrespect; do as I did 3 years ago. I stood toe to toe with DH and quote: "You will not tell your DD to respect me, so here is how I'm going to handle the problem. Your adult kids and their families are allowed to visit you, in our home, anytime. The boundaries are: they will call first, they WILL respect me. If they do not respect me and stop the verbal abuse (SD57) while they visit, I will show them the door immediately. They will no longer be welcome after one time of disrespect. Now, if you (DH) do not like what I do, or say to them, you are welcome to follow them through the open door." End of conversation. I do not hostess any of them, I do not fix meals, and I do not offer refreshments, when they visit. That is DH's job, which he is extremely lax in doing. It goes fairly smoothly and has for the past three years. Of course my SD57 can't help herself at times, to slip in a tiny snarky remark, because I'm sure DH has repeated to her, what I told him. I glare at her and give her the "shut up" look, it works.
It is difficult to watch your DH be crushed by his kids actions; but remind yourself, my DH raised these rude brats, I did not. Your DH lets them disrespect you, his wife, therefore; take it upon yourself to correct it, he's not doing it. Your DH is only getting the treatment from his children that they were taught. A person only treats another person the way they are allowed.
I no longer allow my DH nor my Skids to treat me with disrespect. Yes, I'm blamed, but I have my person back, my self respect is in tact, and I am at peace. I don't make excuses for my actions, I don't ask permission for anything I decide to do with my life, and I don't care any longer what any of them think of me.
I don't have to go to weddings, graduations, dinners, camp-outs, BBQ's, or anything I do not want to attend. I also do not go to my SD nor SGD's house and haven't for 3 years.
Hang in there with your disengagement, it gets easier.
"You mentioned your DH allows
"You mentioned your DH allows the disrespect; do as I did 3 years ago. I stood toe to toe with DH and quote: "You will not tell your DD to respect me, so here is how I'm going to handle the problem. Your adult kids and their families are allowed to visit you, in our home, anytime. The boundaries are: they will call first, they WILL respect me. If they do not respect me and stop the verbal abuse (SD57) while they visit, I will show them the door immediately. They will no longer be welcome after one time of disrespect. Now, if you (DH) do not like what I do, or say to them, you are welcome to follow them through the open door." End of conversation. "
I need to read this today. Thank you!
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