Making decisions...
Forums:
I think I am going to go for counselling- I said I wouldn't do it again but feel as if something between me and DH is going to snap soon and I don't want to say things I'll regret. I feel as if I can't carry on like this for another year- any tips on finding a good counsellor would be welcome but I do understand it isn't an exact science...
Wow- I have an appointment
Wow- I have an appointment for Thursday afternoon- that was quick but wish me luck!
No luck needed lady, you will
No luck needed lady, you will be fine....
start thinking about what you want to talk to about,
On my first appointment I made it clear, SO and his bitches are who they are, I can't change that , I need help for myself, how to handle certain things, my feelings fully on top, I agreed to talk about my relationship and about things in the relationship that made me upset and made me feel like being on the back burner the whole time...
eventually the therapist told me, nothing wrong with me, he would feel the same and it's no good, I got some homework and I had to decide...
stay or go, if I stay under what conditions.... and it all worked out at the end, I basically learned how to be myself and how to ignore SO if he's having a mantrum,
I wish I had initially been
I wish I had initially been as intuitive as you when I started counseling. I think my feelings were so buried that I did not even know what the hell I needed LOL! (I remember blubbering a bit during those first sessions :(...) Right after I started, though, I ended up here...this was also a great way of testing out what I felt.
Ignoring a mantrum...that is really important! I used to take on the emotional status of DH in that respect instead of just having my own feelings about a situation. Really happy to hear how well this worked for you! Six years later I am still sometimes getting sorted but I guess that part is expected in order to grow as life changes
Yes,I have been going through
Yes,I have been going through what I want to say but it isn't really to do with his kids- it is more to do with him and how I can't stand the situation we are in anymore. I feel just as dis-connected from myself as I did this time last year and I can't wholly blame his kids for that. I think it is becoming a stay or go thing for me too, but I do not even know how to get my head around leaving, maybe the counselling will help with those decisions.
The conditions I stay under? I'm not sure what they are- so maybe I need help with that too.
I do try to ignore- heaven knows what I've ignored the past ten months or so- and maybe some of it is just the January blues... although the advice on here has been invaluable I think I need some face to face reality and I know that I can't run away from it any more... I'll keep you posted.
Hugs, Fairyo ...you are using
Hugs, Fairyo :)...you are using resources that can really help! I went to a counselor for about a year and I used her as a sounding board for my strategy to pull myself out of my own hole. She helped me take the first steps to healing emotionally and gave me tools to continue without her. I hope for the best and I will be sending positive thoughts on Thursday to you
Thanks Veritas- I do value
Thanks Veritas- I do value your opinions and know we have all made these difficult journeys. My DH's mantrum (I love that word!) has lasted almost a year- I think it has been designed to wear me down and it has worked- I feel I am almost back to the beginning and he is just waiting for me to break... I was even thinking about sending him a text to say sorry last night! Of course, that is the last thing I should do.
So, yes Steptalk has brought me to a place where I now know how to focus the counselling- I need to know how to start a conversation with DH which doesn't end with him making out I am an evil horrible person, which I'm clearly not because he's still living with me.
I have so disengaged from my skids that this is really nothing to do with them, although I think DH thinks it is everything to do with me not adoring his kids like he does.
I hope the counselling will help me pave the way for these conversations (and not confrontations,) to happen without either of us wanting to walk.
I highly recommend "Erroneous
I highly recommend "Erroneous Zones" by Wayne W Dyer. I have had this book for 40 years. It is my Bible. Another book that was recommended by my therapist, 4 years ago is "Too Good to Stay and Too Bad to Leave" by Mira Kirshenbaum, also helpful.
I totally get it. The stage you are at with all of this is part of the change, when you decide to disengage. My marriage will never be the same. DH and my relationship will never be the same. My trust and respect will never be the same. Accepting all of the changes in my marriage is still a challenge.
The key to it all, for me, is to have a life for myself, rid myself of the past, especially the toxic thought process.
Seeing a counselor is good. Whatever it takes for your mental health, which effects your physical health.
I'm crossing my fingers for you. Stay here, this site is the very best for me.
((((hugs))))
Thanks Sammi- I'll look them
Thanks Sammi- I'll look them up. I know you've gone through very tough times, and so I value your take on things. I'll keep you posted.
Sammi I ordered the books-
Sammi I ordered the books- plus another one called, 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' which is something I've always said to others about my relationship with DH, but not to him, obviously!
Good. Erroneous Zones is a
Good. Erroneous Zones is a book I've had for 40+ years. I obtained it while going through my divorce. It touches lots of different areas, therefore, it is not a book you read from cover to cover; but a book that you can pick up and refer, to keep you on track.
Let me know on the other book you ordered, I've not read it.
Have you obtained a counselor as well. My counselor is the person that put me onto the other book.
Well- I went for a
Well- I went for a counselling session today- all I will say here is that I can't wait for those books!
(((Hugs)))
(((Hugs)))
Good job! Just take it a day
Good job! Just take it a day at a time. I have bad days rear their ugly head every now and then; seems like I go backwards on those days; then things seem to get better the next time, because I learn from the bad days. It's like they are "lesson days".
(((hugs)))
Where do you live? If you are
Where do you live? If you are in the ATX area I have a therapist that I highly recommend. She helped me get through the demise of my first marriage to re-engage with the person I enjoy being rather than the person I didn't like much during my marriage to my adulterous whore of an XW.
PM me and I will be happy to give her info.
Sorry Rags, but I live in
Sorry Rags, but I live in Fairyland so thanks for the offer. I am, though, hoping to re-connect with myself and stop pretending to be someone who doesn't mind living in silence. I want some joy back in my life.
I have had mixed results with
I have had mixed results with counselors, but I think that's partially due to the nutty, New Age-ish place I live and because I didn't know how to properly vet one.
Remember, the therapist is supposed to be there for YOU and to help guide you. It's important to find someone you feel comfortable with, and someone familiar with step dynamics is essential. Don't hesitate to "interview" them before choosing one.
We talk a lot about detachment/disengagement on this site, but maybe we need to talk more about what happens post-disengagement? I know I went through several phases after I stepped back from DH's daughters, and some different ones when I fully disengaged from his family of origin. It was actually easier with the skids, because I had years of anger to fuel me, and sadder with the in-laws because by then I had a few years of StepTalk under my belt and knew the gravity of my decision.
Fairyo, you're not alone. Many of us have experienced depression after disengaging. Not all marriages survive, and not all spouses accept our choice to step back. Disengagement forces us to look squarely at some ugly truths about our skids, our spouses, and ourselves. In doing so we initiate change, for ourselves and for our own protection, but it's impossible to predict how others will react to it.
You've disengaged because you had to, because no one else was going to protect you from skid abuse. So keep taking care of yourself and your best interests. (Hugs)
I think it is very brave of
I think it is very brave of you to recognise you can do with help and to search it out.
The only advice I have regarding therapists is make sure you choose one that has proper professional qualifications at a minimum and then is someone you feel comfortable with. If you dont like the counsellor, move on. Find someone who listens to you, helps you and challenges you. This may be the most unpleasant part of seeing a counsellor but it will result in growth.
The first counsellor I felt comfortable with, the words just spilled out. About things I thought I could never talk about. (My first husband died in a plane crash and part of me was lost that day. Two years later it all gushed out...)
I am currently in "marriage counselling". We have a real therapist who is helping us both. The first counsellor my husband found was an idiot. They exist. Avoid them.
Thankyou- the counsellor
Thankyou- the counsellor belongs to a reputable service here in Fairyland so I know she is qualified and experienced. I haven't come across any idiots yet, except my DH- that's the problem...!
Thanks exJulie- I'm already
Thanks exJulie- I'm already thinking, 'Is this going to help?' but it's worth giving it a go. I feel as if I have nothing to lose anyways.