Sticking to the daycare routine is the best thing to do, whether your SO thinks so or not.

He thinks SS will feel left out? How does he think SS will feel when he's taken out of daycare, away from his friends, to stay home with you, who will be busy with a newborn? He might feel like he's being punished, his normal routine being changed because of the new baby. And the resentment starts. He may not put it together in his young mind right away or verbalize it, but he will notice that something has changed in his life and he will eventually deduce that it's because of the baby.

The more his life stays as he knows it, the better. Feeling left out is your SO's emotion, that he should not burden his son with.

Wait what?

Your SS will feel WAY more left out with you and a newborn. Does your husband not remember how much time a newborn takes up? Seriously, you're going to be so busy with the baby that a 3 year old will honestly be miserable. And it's not a good option because he's not even your kid. Does he seriously think you're going to leave your baby crying to tend to his child? It's not in your motherly instincts to put his kid before yours and a 3 year old truly does deserve attention, but you won't be able to give it to him.

He needs to keep his kid in daycare. I just had a baby 3 months ago and I have a 6 year old stepdaughter. My husband was COMPLETELY understanding of my need to spend alone time with the baby. He sent his daughter to her mother's the week after I gave birth so I could have that. He knew that there would be an intense adjustment period. He also didn't want SD feeling left out while I obsessed over the baby after giving birth, which is only natural.

Tell your SO he needs to learn about human nature and how biology works. My husband was happy I was honest with him about everything. I don't even pick up my SD from school even though I'm home. It was way, way too difficult for me hearing my newborn cry in the carseat every single day. We pay someone to drop her off. Why? Because I was getting extremely resentful of an unrelated kid causing me to leave my newborn crying in the car while I drove to her. My husband was completely okay with this.

Of course, he wishes we were like mother and daughter but he knows biology doesn't work that way and resentment happens in blended families when things are forced. He appreciates my honesty in ensuring I'm always able to stay kind and pleasant to her, and he knows I wouldn't be able to if he was always forcing me to do things I didn't want to do.

Craaaaap I'd typed out a big long post.... jist of it is:

maternity leave is not one year. It is 35 weeks of maternity leave, and 17 weeks of parental leave. Meaning, your SO can take 17 weeks off.

If SO wants SS out of daycare, SO can take time off and spend time with ss. If ss isn't in daycare 2 weeks out of the month, SO will still have to pay... and guaranteed... within 2 weeks of SO being home with SS, and being forced to handle SS because you're busy with the baby, DH will be climbimg the walls to go back to work and he'll take SS to daycare.

Also, CTB is for YOUR child, not for HIS child. Make sure you put it in a separate account, and link YOUR child's name to it. This will come in handy for taxes, too. HIS child gets CTB, either to SO or to BM - but CRA has recently changed their laws in that CTB is paid according to custody %... so if SO has ss 50%, he should apply for 50% CTB. If he chooses not to and lets BM keep 100% of the CTB for his child, then you can do the same for your child, and he can STFU.

There is alot to this that you guys need to look at together. Sure you can just tell him no.

This isn't just about keeping him in daycare. Your partner is looking at the fact that you guys have less income and you will be home. Yes he's thinking free daycare. That's kind of normal.

Unless the child has mental illness than he can handle a shake up in his routine. He get's enough socialization the days he goes and might do well to bond one on one with you and the baby when he's home. And in the grand scheme of things it might not be all that long depending on how old of a 3 year old he is. There may be the possibility of prek through the school system next year. I don't know his full age so I don't know if that's an option.

I personally would love to have the children home with me because personally the daycare options around me are really lacking. I also understand that I'm not dealing with the same things you are.

Focus on the money because I think that's what your partner is. You don't have to keep him but yes doing so could mean more funds. That 250 (be it pre month or week) could go ALONG ways depending on your over all house hold income. Ontop of that as you said you are already making less. Of course if your planing on returning to work in about 6 weeks then I'd say nope he stays in but longer than that and I know I'd be looking at the money but that's me.

Uhhhh, who is going to care for your boyfriends 3year old son?

Magic question.

Start as you mean to go on.

Do you want to be an unpaid babysitter for a child that isn’t yours?

Will you SO support you in your discipline of his child? Does he expect you to do fun things with the 3 yo while still taking care of your baby?

I agree with the majority here - removing him from daycare will cause more harm than good.

Back in the day when I worked in child care if the child was being helped with state funding they had to be in the program full time...not sure how it's set up now. So that should be something to look into first.

So, what if there was some kind of compromise? Could you have SS in daycare 3 days a week instead of full time? Could you do partial days (for example 8am- 1pm)? Is there something that would allow you time to bond and be alone with your baby and still have bonding time together with all of you? I put my son in a partial day program for 2 days a week when my daughter was born. It was great for all of us.

I wouldn't compromise on this... The time goes by so fast with an infant, don't spend it resentful and upset chasing someone's 3 year old around. If you're like most stepparents, you've already sacrificed a lot for your skid, don't sacrifice alone time with your first baby.

This is the perfect example of his priorities. Keeping himself comfortable over keeping your comfortable and putting both of his children's well being as a priority. He will kick and scream you are uncaring, selfish, you don't love SS, blah, blah, blah.

This is your first child. You have no idea what you are in for. You might get a perfect baby that sleeps well, cries slightly and you get no PPD. You also might get a croupy screamer, no sleep for weeks, and a sever case of PPD. Point is you don't know yet.

To dump you 3yo SS on you with all of these unknown is ridiculous. That child has 2 parents and you are not one of them. Demand that you and your baby come first. Practice now because I doubt he knows how to put you first.

The little boy should not be too upset to be doing exactly what he has been doing EOW currently. He goes to daycare where he learns, plays and has structured quality time with his peers.

Even a three year old can understand a baby with diapers, doing spit-ups and non-verbal except for wah-wah can't go to daycare/preschool like big boys such as he can. As long as Dad and you make the child feel pretty much as things usually are on evenings and weekends (but now there is four rather than three in the family) the little boy isn't going to be over thinking this to the tune his father is.

And when baby gets to be a 'big boy' like SS, baby too will be off to daycare/preschool.

SS would miss the interaction and routine along with the ability to express himself with his peers. Sleeping baby, boring. Crying baby, annoying. Stinky baby, oh yuck.

I seriously doubt that this is really about daycare for the little boy with your DF. He's scared that the new child will somehow push the little boy out. That could happen whether the SS goes off to daycare during week days or not. What's going to count are the evenings and weekends when the SS spends the time with Dad, SM and baby. If the household totally revolves around baby and everything becomes 100% for and about baby, the little boy will resent and feel left out and unwanted.

Your DF needs to leave the little guy as is in daycare and put his focus on how he intends to focus on being sure his growing family and household runs well as a blended growing family who all are an important part and play a special role as an individual.

It never fails to baffle me, that a new mother, especially a first time mother - meaning, having just given birth, is expected/pressured/bullied into watching steps while she is recovering, bonding with a newborn.

My DH thought it would be cute and cool to have his daughter skip after school care, on his days, to come hang with me and our newborn. Um... no. That was MY time to rest and find my uninterrupted groove with breastfeeding. It only took a couple sentences out of my mouth to break it down to him, but he got it. And he 100% understood.

brymca - Just say “No.” It’s a complete sentence.

If you stay home with his other kid then he quits smoking, I mean everyone has to give up something to have a healthy family right?

Don't let this guy bully you in to doing something you don't want to do, PLUS once you start allowing it he will keep pushing and pushing on so many other levels. Why don't you tell him the newborn is going to feel left out if the other SS stays in daycare?

Personally, I would say no. It sounds like you simply would prefer not to have him at home with you as a first-time Mom with a newborn... and that is absolutely fine, you don't need to feel guilty. SO is guilting you emotionally that SS may "feel left out", this doesn't jive as daycare is much more fun in my experience. To me the logic also backs you up.

Financial guilting by SO:
- you will be earning comparatively the same income overall including CTB
- your associated costs at work are removed (travel, car, lunch, coffee etc)
- I presume you will also be taking care of home duties such as cooking therefore eating out will be limited (I don't think we ate out for like 6-8 months from memory though we did get takeout once a week)
- as mentioned above most daycares make you pay anyway or SO will lose the discount rate (jump on the phone as this would make everything else a moot point)

Emotional guilting by SO, daycare benefits:
- social development and friendships
- routine and structure
- early learning
- guidelines (discipline)
- teamwork

Enjoy your time with your baby, it is special and irreplaceable.

Your SO sounds as if he's not willing to hear "no" on something that has nothing to do with him since it is you who will be doing all the heavy lifting for his kid. He can't make this decision because it's not his time and energy on the line! Like who is HE to volunteer YOU to raise HIS kid? How does he even dare dictate this to you???? You are young. Don't let that get you jammed into roles you don't want. You're old enough to have a baby, so be old enough to tell him NO.

*******You need to stand your ground on this or he will steamroll all future decisions.*******

He thinks because you're a young woman, you can be pushed around. Out manipulate him - that's how smart women do it. Here's what you do:

If you're hesitant to flat out say "NO," even though you have every right to, just put off your SO for now: Tell SO that you are willing to reexamine the possibility of watching his kid after you are recovered from making and delivering life into the world (no big deal, ha, ha!). It doesn't matter if you have no intention of reconsidering it, just say it to put him off. Tell him, "maternity leave is time for my recovery and our newborn's recovery from the frantic rush out of my womb. I'm a first-time mom and I need and deserve that time. SS is settled now into his routine, but if you really want me to consider babysitting him, I will, but not for the first six months after giving birth."

It isn't a lie - you do need to adjust to life with a newborn. And I'm sure down the road, if you're totally bored and want to ruin your life, you'd consider watching SS.

Do not give into this if you don't want to do it. You are setting a precedent for how future issues are settled in your relationship.

I kind of doubt the daycare will keep him only 2 weeks without charging for the full month anyway. They have a "spot" and unless they have someone with the exact opposite need for time... it's unlikely they will go for it without charging him anyway.

Tell him that and btw.. kid isn't being left out because the current kid you have will be in preschool himself at 3. no special treatment.

Now, if it was really possible to save 500/month.. then you have to decide if you want to take that on or not. Your DH can pay you an extra 500..lol

THis is simply, thank Lord he's just your BF and not your husband....

Tell him, NO... I will not be nanny to your son while I'm on pregnancy leave, your son can stay in daycare, I'm a new mum, young with that, I need time for me and the baby on my own.

make it clear... if he dares taking his son out of daycare to be at home with you, he's going to pay CS for 2 kids not just one.....

Good ole guilt trip...calls you selfish for wanting things exactly the way they were before.
I suppose he will be waking in the middle of the night to feed a hungry baby? Or change the diapers? So everyones life has to all of the sudden change bc he is acting like a baby?
Tell him:
Quit smoking and shut up about disrupting everyone's routine bc you are having a whiny moment. Kid stays IN!
And if he continues let him know that the stress can make you lose a baby.
At least thats what I would do(again not a saint)

“He thinks PPD is bull or any mental illness for that matter - it's just an "excuse" and basically you're weak if you have something like that.”

“I've thought about leaving but I really do love him and I would be destroyed if I had to be a part-time mother. He's already told me that he would fight tooth and nail to have equal custody of the child if I did leave (I've threatened it before in hopes it would make him realize how serious I am).“

*****************************
This is one of those rare instances that I sincerely hope we’re being trolled, because this is UNREAL!

Honey, the best thing you could do for yourself, and your child, at this point, is to walk away from this sorry excuse of a “man”. You have WAY MORE issues than just trying to convince him to keep his child in daycare. Do you think it’s going to magically get better?

If you were my friend, I would tell you to get out quickly. There is no reason for you to have to deal with such explosions of violence.

From reading your last post, I'm actually scared for your safety.

“Am I delusional to think that things will/can get better?”

********************************************

In my eyes, yes.

Look at it this way. You are having a child with a person who disregards PPD. PPD is very real, and very serious. That should show you right there how out-of-touch this person is, when it comes to the psychological well-being of others. Heaven forbid you should find yourself in this situation after the birth of your own child. If you do find yourself there, I guess you might as well expect him to provide zero emotional support to you, and zero physical support with your child, to extend relief to you, because being a mom is “your job”, right?

He sounds very removed from human emotion, almost psychopathic.

You need to reread what you’ve written here. This is crazytown.

Well it's his kid and if he wants to take him out of daycare he can. Don't know how he's going to handle staying home with him full time.

Oh he wants YOU to take care of him full-time! With your newborn too.

HAHAHAHA