Hi Happy Mom,
Regarding ever having a peaceful civilized relationship with biomom, it is something that is absolutely inconceivably impossible. Given the situation in which we have been dealing with her over the last ten years, and the circumstances prior to my husband's separation and divorce, there's no way anything like that could happen. I suspect that many other couples would find it pretty difficult to make "nice nice" with the ex-wife. It just isn't in our nature to do so. The mere thought of the two of them together, simply nauseates me. VOMIT, VOMIT. I don't know about your husband's feelings, but as far as my husband is concerned, he rues the day he ever met his ex-wife. He was very naive and apparently fell off the turnip truck. Many men, especially with difficult shared custody situations really don't get along well with their ex-wives, and the new wives coming into the picture get a lot of grief and heartache from the ex-wife. There's really too much to overcome.....and honestly, do you really want to compare notes about your husband? I don't think so. YUCK!
Regards,
Sweetie

At first it went well, witch was good because hubby didn't want to see her from a distance never mind talking to her. There was even times that we would meet for a meal before or after the boys would go for a visit with her.

Then she started to get more and more hostile to me. I said enough. She was hubby's ex and the childrens mother, I said you three deal with her. That was fantastic, it was about 4 years that I didn't speak with her directly. She apologised to me, and I will speak with her briefly now. That may be the closest to peace that we get.

Personally, I would rather that biomom moved far, far away. That might make her easier to get along with. I always say that I wish she would move to Alaska(sorry to anyone who lives in Alaska!).

She has done and said so many evil things that we want minimum contact with her. Just enough for stepson's sake.

Biomom and I are two very, very different people. We don't have any common ground, except for stepson, of course.

So, peace, maybe but friendly chit chat........not likely!

Dawn

When I first got with my husband he told me upfront that he had a great relationship with his ex and I, though surprised because of how their marriage ended, thought that was great. Then the more I got to know him the more I realised that it was only great because he did everything she asked him to do, extra money, extra nights taking the kids, running errands, buying food, paying for everything whilst giving her money to do with as she pleased. When I met her at his house for the first time he was drinking out of a huge glass and she reached across in front of me and took it from him and drank from it. I thought to myself - how classless!!!!! well it was only the beginning - as I tried to help my husband see what was reasonable and what was unreasonable and begin to say no to her many many demands she got bitchier and she and I have had countless trists from it and I can honestly say, and I don't say this about too many people, but if I never had to see her sorry a** again it'd be too soon. She's an egotistical self-centred pathetic excuse for a woman and I've made my peace with knowing she and I will never get along, even if she came to me tomorrow and said let's wipe the slate clean I just couldn't do it - too much history there already and I've only been dealing with her for little over a year.

The biomom wants to always be in control - remember she lost the battle and now needs to win the war. The best thing to do is steer clear from any relationship. Let the biomom consult with the father on issues outside of your home. When the child comes to your house - your rules apply.

From all accounts of people who've known her for years she is a total bitch. I've seen her in action. I've seen how she treats her own children. (Lies, steals, manipulates.) Going way back, one of her best friends back in the day pissed her off by not calling her when a few went shopping. So the story goes, she stole her friends cheque out of the mail box and shredded it and was so sympathic to her freinds face about not having money for rent, food, etc. and laughed behind her back for years over it. I'm not kidding she is a PSYCHOPATH!!! SO absolutely Not!!!!

If you're dealing with someone who's not a psychopath...it would depend on the situation..but I don't think it would ever be a truly comfortable arrangement!! Maintain a healthy distance!

Does the comfort level between step mom & bio mom depend on whether she left or the husband left her?

The reason I ask is...my BF left his wife (she was cheating but wanted her cake & to eat it too) and she is very bitter & hostile. I left my husband and I'm not.

I have no problem with my x's girlfriend, she seems very nice, good with the kids, etc., We've chatted on the soccer field, ball field, etc. I've moved on with my life and I wish the same for him. (We were young when we got married..people & priorities change..we are both so much happier apart!!)

My BF also has no problem speaking to his X's BF, (I think he feels sorry for him)

So it seems to me that the X's that are happy, well adjusted, have no problems being civil...only the unhappy mal-adjusted ones. What do you think?

(Don't get me wrong..there should always be boundries..I don't think you can be buddies..the dynamics are too complex)

Are the ones that are ditched..less likely to move on..be happy?

I have an interesting perspective on this because my mom and stepmom get along GREAT, however, I do not get along with the girls moms at all…I find this particularly odd because my stepmom was my dad’s mistress and the ultimate reason for my parents divorce. It had been some years now (about 10-12 yrs have passed) but for the last 8+ years they have gotten along great. For my brother’s birthday my dad took my stepmom and my two brothers that are a result of their marriage, my brothers, my mom and my little sister (who is my mothers by another man) out to dinner and paid for everyone. My stepmom used to be a hairdresser and often does my little sister’s hair for my mom (mind you my dad is not my sister’s dad) There have been plenty of times where my stepmom has called me and said “your mom is sick, come get this medicine to take to her” (my stepmom is now a nurse) so a lot of people think it is odd but at family functions we all get together and have a great time. I could NEVER see that happening with my husband and the girls moms….they HATE me why I’ll never know because by the time I met my husband he was not with either one of them.

In a perfect world I think we would all desire to get along.
If not for the kids, then just for our own sanity.
I get along great as the Bio with my exes current. But she had to understand that me and the ex were/are currently completely free of emotional attachment other than the kids, and that the past is just that...the past.
Now on the other hand I have tried many times to get along with my B/Fs ex and I have been hurt and betrayed by both each time.
The difference that I see? My B/F was 'dumped' by his ex for another man...he was hurt bad and still hurts ...he also feels guilty about not being there full time with his son. So the emotional bond between him and the ex is still pretty strong(he can't/won't let go), even to the point where he couldn't decide at one point if I was worth coming in between him and her 2 yrs after they split up.
I would love to get along with her, for my peace of mind, to not put him in the middle, and for the sake of all of our kids.
In reality...I don't see it...the emotional bond the two of them have is a threat to me and his committment to me is a threat to her. His indecisiveness hurts every one and create tension between me and her. If he would set boundaries in either direction, stick to them, and make his choices clear, then the two of us just might find that we have a lot more in common than we think and that we are BOTH decent people.
Yes I do desire that peacefulness.
Lisa Dawn

I really think it depends greatly on the circumstances around the divorce.... I get along great with my ex-husband's girlfriend, my daughter loves her very much and I appreciate her and think she is great. When my husband and I divorced we were DONE. Nothing was left unresolved. We remained friends (I think he is a really great guy) we just are not great together. We both love our daughter more than anything and she comes FIRST, period.

On the other hand, my husband's ex and I do not get along. She left my husband (and cheated throughout their union). When my husband and I met they were in the process of the divorce and she was in the process of trying to win him back (again). I don't think she understands that my husband was not going to take her back again whether or not I entered into the picture. My husband's ex is jealous and manipulative and very unstable.

Then there is my son's stepmom (I have two kids with two dads.... my son was born when I was 16 and my daughter was the product of my first marriage), my son's stepmom has been in the picture since I was 16 and pregnant with my son.
Anyway, we also do not get along. When my son's stepmom first met my son's dad I was pregnant and in 'love' for the first time. My son's dad left me for this woman (whom is now his wife.) They have been together for a long time. Things were far from resolved when my son's dad left. I was not 'over' him when he left and it took years for my first broken heart to fully heal while dealing with the a woman whom was nasty to me from the beginning. However.... that was long ago and I fully healed years ago. Well, my son's stepmom still lives under the impression that I want her husband and that if my son's dad and I hold a civil conversation then we are having sex. I do have to admit that I have done and said some nasty things toward my son's stepmom and she to me. I have grown up alot through the years and do regret how I have delt with the situation in the past. Still, my son's stepmom has made it clear that she has no interest in getting along with me.... and to some extent I understand.... we have all been through a lot of ugliness toward one another.

A large part of why my ex husband and I made the initial decision to get along is from living the situation with my son's father and his wife and the drama and dysfunction that we lived as a result of jealously and spite.

I just think it really depends whether or not resolution was obtained prior to the ex spouses moving on.