Help! I dont know what I am doing wrong.
I am new to this so please understand. I am twenty eight and engaged to a great guy...well at times. I have no children or my own but he has two. His daughter is 21 (yes he is 44) and his son is 15. He and his daughter really dont have a relationship. I have never met her but she knows of me and referes to me a the "little slut". I have met his son a couple of times (my fiance moved here to take a job)at family fuctions. He was extremely quiet at first and then when he began to speak it was clear that this wasnt going to be an easy relationship. I spent most of the day trying to talk to him about things that I had been told he was interested in but that proved to be the wrong approach apparently. I can deal with the children being upset and somewhat displeased with their fathers new girlfriend. I grew up in a divorced family and completely understand the feelings that they are having. I dont not expect this great relationship with his children (even though my relationship with both of my step parents is one that I treasure)but I do ask that he atleast ask them to give me some kind of respect.
The ex-wife is a totally different situation. I have never met her. My fiance and her divorce was not a nice one. He did not leave her for me. We started dating after the divorce was filed. In the divorce settlement is responsible for the house payment until it sells which at that time the will split the proceeds 50/50. I have no problem with that where our biggest problems come in are when I even mention her helping with the up keep. He is here with me and their house is 500 miles away. His exwife and his son are 15 minutes away in a new home. I have asked instead of him driving 500 miles one way to mow a yard why dont you just asked your son or exwife. He tells me not to mention it. He finally after 6 or 7 trips to mow a yard 7 hours away asked his son to do it and agreed to pay him $100 to do it. I made the comment that he shouldnt have to pay him because it was her yard too. Well that was the wrong thing to say. After that conversation he said that he was still going to pay him so I put the money into a fedex package which automatically prints my name on it. It has since them scratched my name off of it and told me that no one needs to see my name. Well this enraged me and he told me that I have no right to be mad. Most of this may seem petty but at aome point I would like for us (me, my fiance and his children) to have a decent relationship. Help! I dont know what I am doing wrong.
- mooncar's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
That's a tough one. My
That's a tough one. My advice is to keep being nice to stepkids and if they don't want a relationship w/you, you can't really convince them to have one. Biomom will always have an influence on the kids, so what she says about you to them at times may not be nice things. Just ignore it. If you can, keep a distance away from stepkids if they are rotten to you. Communicate w/your fiance how you feel. Your fiance is in a difficult situation between you and his ex wishes. If you don't agree w/his decisions, just let him know. At times things can't change to the way you want it. You just have to get used to the fact that his children & ex will always be in your life. The only obstacle is controlling your emotions so you don't go nuts. Communication is very important. I've been through that, I do express my feelings and thoughts about things to my husband and at times he agrees and at times he doesn't.
Help! I dont know what I am doing wrong.
Thank you for your advice. I guess the biggest thing that is bothering me right now is that when I asked him about scratcing my name out he told me that he didnt want to upset her. I thought to myself....Oh yes lets not upset her cause you are already divorced from her and my feelings really dont matter.I know that I am acting childish but everytime I state how I feel he gets mad tells me that all I do is complain and whine about her and then he doesnt speak to me for hours until I say that I am sorry.
Mooncar...
I don't understand why he gets mad at you when you express your opinion. Tell him that he needs to listen and understand where you're coming from and that he needs to accept how you feel (you are the lady of the house and his wife). About the name thing, I would just leave it. So what if she knows your name. You are the new soon to be wife. Why is he hiding that from her, has he fully told her that he involved w/you? He needs to get his head into reality and not push you on the side and be mad at you everytime you have questions.
You aren't doing anything wrong...
The younger they are when you get them as stepkids, the easier to form a relationship with them. However, your husband needs to consider what kind of relationship he wants to set up with his son. Does he want to be a bank machine only to his son? A 15 year old is more than capable of taking care of a lawn (for nothing or for his allowance that both parents contribute to). Finances after you are married are both of yours and he needs to keep that in mind. If you don't agree with things - he needs to listen and understand why. Establishing bad financial practices now will make it difficult to stop in the future...On a bright note, keep in mind that you only have 3 more years of child support. Outside of child support, you do have a say in where money goes - don't let him make you feel that you don't. If your fiancee cannot keep his wallet under control where his kids are concerned and prefers that you not get involved in that side of his life... that is a HUGE RED FLAG!!!
Mooncar..I can relate
Your not doing anything wrong!! I'm 40+ and I just had this argument with my 50 yr old BF and he confronted SD about her behaviour towards me, after 5 years..it hasn't really improved. She is not openly nasty, its more subversive and if she ever called me aname and he found out about it...it wouldn't be pretty. He would not stand for that. There are 7 yrs between you and your oldest step-daughter. There are 10 years between me and my oldest step-daughter and I came into the picture when she was 25. The second SD is 21. His X wife "hates" me, also and has said & done many hateful things. We have zero contact with her! Except for when we have to ...graduation, baptism, wedding,..and we just stay on opposite sides of the room!
I have tried, and tried and tried to have converstions with oldest SD..to make her feel comfortable around me..to get to know me..and me her...and at the time they seem to go well...but only trough my efforts and she never, never, never recipricates. All I get "IS my DAd there?" She doesn't acknowledge my existance otherwise.
If they make up their mind that they will not accept you...THEN nothing you can do will make them accept you!!!!!!
My BF put up with all kinds of crap from his ex... and his kids walk over him to an extent too. Not now..because he has drawn the line with the x...but duriing the marriage..he put up things that I wouldn't get away with. I think sometimes they project...the sins of the first wife on the second.
You're going to have a rough road..first with the age difference..and more importantly with his children..and ex. It gets easier..in that they don't live under the same roof with you...but it's an uphill battle.. Make sure your ready for it!!!
Try to remeber it's not you personally!! Its your position in the family they can't accept!! (It still hurts)
Much Thanks
Thanks for all of yall advice. I think that this is going to be a great place for me to vent my frustrations and get the support that I am going to need. I hope that I will be abe to return the favor. We are headed to Florida for the week to visit his mom and I think that this will be a good time for us to straighten out some of our differences as far as the kids and the x are concerned. This week in Flordia shouldbe good because his mother and I get along just perfectly. She actually has been really supportive of me and told me that she has never seen him happier. She is also does not tolerate the children or x being nasty to me. Thanks again for all of yall advice. I hope that you all have a wonderful 4th of July.
Hi Mooncar - you are not
Hi Mooncar - you are not alone. I am in a similar situation in terms of my partner is 44 turning 45 this year and I am nearly 30. His 14yr daughter and 12 yr son moved in with us permanently 9 months ago and have not spent any time with their boi-mum. So effectively I have an instant family and become instant step-mum. It's so much harder and more challenging than I would have ever imagined! And I am lucky because the kids do like me and tell me they love me occasionally. Their mum I don't think has ever said a bad word about me (as far as I know). However, it is hard because my partner and I argue a lot about the kids behaviour and I am very sensitive emotionally to how they treat me - if they ignore me and just say goodnight dad - and nothing else and I could be sitting right next to their dad! But my new attitude seems to be helping, and that is to stay positive and show them as much kindness and love as possible - even if I am not feeling it - and I have been pleasantly surprised in that IU have been getting it back.
So my advice - keep your chin up and stick firm to your guns with your husband...it's not always going to be easy - but if you love one another, focus on that - because that is the most precious thing of all in life!