Not my kid!
Whew, I am still so glad I found this site. I have a few issues that have been floating around in my head and nobody to talk them out with. Since I've never dated anyone with kids much less been preparing for marriage it's all very complex and confusing. I'm threading on foreign territory here. Sometimes I'm surprised at my reaction to requests from my fiancee regarding his son. He just now sent em an e-mail asking if he could add me as an emergency contact person for his son and I'm irritated by his request. He has numerous other people such as his mother-in-law who treasures every single moment she is able to spend with her grandson. He could also add his mother who is always available since she does not work. I guess I just feel put upon and pressured to be a part of his son's life. I understand it will come to that one day and I'm comfortable with being a family with them but I need to move slowly. I guess it also stems from the fact that he's been requesting that I discipline his son. I am not comfortable doing that and have said as much but then the issue is dropped and he doesn't bother to discipline his son either. The other morning we were in the living room and could hear his son go into the bathroom, urinate with the door open and then not flush or wash his hands. My fiance told me, "Tell him to shut the door and flush the toilet" I told my fiancé that it was his responsibility to discipline his son. I'm more than willing to be supportive of him as he disciplines his son but I do not want to take an active role. Why should I? Long story short my fiancé stood quiet and nothing was said to his son. Sometimes I feel he wants me to shoulder the responsibility of disciplining his son. That upsets me. I'm trying to understand how he feels. His wife got ill 2 months after their son was born. She entered into the hospital for treatment and never came back home. She passed on 9 months later. He has had the full responsibility of caring for his son alone with the added anguish of losing his wife. I can understand how he might want to just hand it over to someone else sometimes. I know I feel that way about situation in my life sometimes. Just take a break from it all. I know some of you might be wishing you were in my shoes and didn't have to bother with biomom and I apologize if I sound like I'm just being selfish but this is hard on me. I don't feel any strong ties to his son and with the added issue of his constant demands for physical affection and closeness is making it very difficult one me. Any suggestions on how I can navigate through this issue will be greatly appreciated.
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Comments
Juanita....
Well Juanita, welcome. You are truly lucky you don't have to deal w/the ex wife...not to be rude but that is a plus. Eventually you'll get married and will have to take on the role as the stepmother. It's not a choice whether or not you want to be a mother figure or not. I'm sure in time you'll develop a great relationship w/this child, he needs a mother figure and that is you. For now I can understand your uncomfortable to love, show affection, discipline this child....but if try slowly, you'll get more comfortable. You might even enjoy this child. I've been married for 6 yrs and I am still uncomfortable til today, I just take it slow and day by day, I only see stepson 8 times a month so it's hard to develop a full closeness to this child. So just take it slow and you'll be fine. Help your fiance w/disciplining this child but not solely just you. Shared responsibilities. And don't forget to have fun too and do fun stuff.
-happy mom
Specific suggestions?...
Thanks for the input, do you have any specific suggestions on how I get his son to take it easy on me? His son is being very stubborn and insistent on my time and affection. He get's angry and hostile if I don't give in to his demands. On two separate occasions were I told him, "We don't always have to hold hands. We can hold them later. Like when we walk across parking lots or across the street" He took it upon himself to put his little skinny arm around my waist. Naturally being short and very young his arm only reached a very short way around me. It landed squarely on my butt. I was very uncomfortable with that. I removed his hand and politely asked him to keep his hands to himself. My fiance has even asked him repeatedly to keep his hands to himself but he refuses to listen. Also on the occasions where we have asked him to keep his hands to himself and put physical distance between us, usually in the form of my fiancé he acts out. Crying and carrying on about how he doesn't want to see his father holding my hand. He even told his father "If I can't hold her hand then you can't either" He wants me to himself and that's weird to me. I expected him to be jealous of me and the attention his father gave to me. Never did I imagine he's be jealous of the attention I gave to his father. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy him. I think he's a great kid but he's crossing my personal boundaries and invading my space. He makes being around him very uncomfortable. How can we get through to him? My fiancé thinks we should just keep putting distance between him and I until he get's the picture. As I said before though, I'm worried that may damage any potential bond for him and I. Funny enough, occasionally I get the impression that my fiancé get's jealous of his son and although he gives in to his demands occasionally he ends up feeling left out. His son demands all my attention and that doesn't leave much for him. Needless to say I'm very conflicted.
Juanita...
How old is he? Sorry I was reading thru your blog and couldn't find how old he was. If he is 6 yrs old or younger, when you guys go walking, put him on an umbrella stroller that way you don't have to hold his hand or better yet you can have him hold a stuff animal while he sits down on the stroller. Or w/out the stroller you can have him hold his stuff animal that way he is not holding you all the time. I think you just need to sit him down, the 3 of you and tell him about the holding hand situation. Tell him that he should not get angry if you hold your husband's hand and that he can hold dad's other hand too if he wants. Tell him that you both love him and that he doesn't have to feel jealous and angry when you show affection to each other. Hug him and tell him you love him. If that incident happens again when he gets mad at you or your husband for holding hands, tell him remember what we discussed, you can hold dad's other hand too and we can all be happy and not mad and angry. If that doesn't work, I suggest you introduce him the time out technique when he doesn't listen.
-happy mom
happy mom
He's 6 years old and just started the 1st grade.
I know how you feel
Juanita, I know exactly how you feel. I don't think you are being selfish and I know how hard it can be to be thrown into a situation like this completely unprepared and unaware. I too have no children and had never dated anyone with a child before I met my BF. It seems like they want an instant family. In the beginning of our relationship, my BF also tried to force his daughter and me together and I felt very uncomfortable. He used to insist I help tuck her into bed and give her a kiss good night. I felt very uncomfortable kissing someone elses child goodnight.
Do you and your Fiancé have any alone time together without his son? I know my BF and I used to in the beginning, but that became less and less as he tried to force us to be a family and I began to resent it. I think it is important that the two of you be able to spend time alone without his son.
Are you able to or feel comfortable spending any alone time with his son. Maybe take him to the park or something. This might make him feel like he is special to you (your focusing just on him without Dad around) and maybe he will back off a little when the three of you are together. This might also give you the opportunity to explain to him that he needs to share you with Daddy when the three of you are together (and not get jealous) because Daddy needs your attention also. I'm not sure, this is just a suggestion.
-- Bobbi
Time alone
We spend a few days alone each week. We do not live together so Sunday evenings, Wednesday's & Fridays are usually the days we go out to dinner and spend time alone since I meet my girlfriends at the gym every Tues/Thurs. On Saturday's we pick up his son from his sister-in-laws and spend the next two days with all of us together. Sunday night is movie night for him and I so we spend that evening alone also. My fiance also tries to take me away for the weekend about once a month. As a matter of fact we are flying out to Vegas tonight. As you can tell my fiancé has made every effort to spend time alone with me which is why he feels the time we all spend together as his sons time.
It's weird that you should mention spending time alone with his son. That's what started all of this. He used to be sort of standoffish until one day I took him to see a children's movie. I don't even remember the name, it was just one of those kids movies that came out earlier this year. I happened to have the day off and his school let out early so I offered to take him. I can pretty much say that it was after that day all of this started.
I guess I may look at this a little ...
I think that you are scared of the commitment to this child..
To me I see a little boy who wants some motherly loving attention. I can see why you would be uncomfortable, and totally understand.
But you are his fiance.. You are not being forced into this, you accepted that ring.. he is a package deal and with that comes this little boy. who I happen to feel sorry for because he never got that mother/child bond and he is young enough right now that he is accepting of you. He wants you to be a part of his life.. He needs it. I view this as he is just so desperate for a MOTHERLY figure.. as I said I understand your point you feel weird but you agreed to marry this man and he comes with this child..
Talk to him about some of the things he is doing that makes you feel uncomfortable.. He is at an age where talking to him is good. By communicating your feelings with him may help him learn to communicate in the future..
Try to put yourself in this little boys shoes.. Think back to when you were young and how you would feel growing up for however many years with out a mom and then here is this woman in your life.. He loves his dad and I am sure his dad has done everything for him the best he can. I mean to me as a bio mom myself my babies were mine.. I was very protective of them when they were little babies and I still am today. I would fight there dad tooth and nail if I did not agree with something.. That is the mom thing.. I think you need to sit back and try to really put yourself in this kids shoes and then also put yourself in your FUTURE HUSBANDS shoes.. By pushing this little boy away because you are not ready you may be saying to this man you love that you are not ready for a commitment with him. I am just looking thru the window.. ANd please do not take it like I am putting you down in any way.. I think the big question here is yes you love his dad but this little boy will never go away he is there forever.. Also if you do not bond with him now by the time you are ready he may not want to bond with you.
By your fiance asking you if he can put you on the emergency contact list he is trying to include you in a major way into there lives.. He is not asking you to adopt this little boy he is wanting you to bond with his little boy.
I know his need for this constant affection seems to be a little strange but its just he wants your unconditional love.
I had a stepson when he was 4 years old.. And when I first met him I wanted to be his friend first and then slowly moved into the STEP MOM roll. That kid is going on 17 now and although his dad and I are no longer together and divorced when he was 9 I still love him and see him today and he feels the same way about me. ITs awesome.. He used to sit by me and all that too. Eventually that went away.. But instead of looking at him like he is not yours look at him like he is.
The bio mom is not here anymore and so that is one major battle out of your hair..
Please understand I am looking at this from the little guys view and the fathers..
About the toilet well if they were bach. and no woman around its probably a lot of habit. I find my self getting up in the middle of the night in my own bathroom not shutting the door. It is my private bathroom so just explain to him that you are there now and that with a lady present it is rude to go potty with the door open. Teach him the proper things that a mother would expect..
I wish you the best with your situation.. You will get thru this..
Not offended at all!
I appreciate your honesty. You've given me a whole other perspective to consider.
You hit the nail on the head with the whole commitment thing. Not necessarily with his son but in general. It took me a while to settle down and commit. I'm 32 years old and was single for 5+ years before meeting my fiance and even then I refused to be exclusive. It's taken a lot of patience and understanding on his part to win me over. But that's a whole other blog, huh? LOL