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This woman drives me insane!!!

Dee's picture

Submitted by Dee on Fri, 10/20/2006 - 11:53am

This may seem like such a minor thing, but this is just one in a long line of things the BM does that gets on my last nerve. The SD lives with her Mom during the week and with us each weekend. The SD had her school pictures taken and we just got our copies. MY GOD!! I think the BM just let her roll out of bed and throw some clothes on and sent her off to school. She obviously DID NOT have her brush her hair - it was sticking out in ten different directions. So my BF and I decided we're taking the SD to Sear's to get another picture taken, this one is SO bad. We asked BM to bring the dress (we have mostly playclothes since she is only with us on weekends)with her today when we pick up SD. She said fine.

My BF called this morning to remind her to send the dress and she said no problem, the SD is wearing it to school today. My BF paused and asked why she would be wearing it to school if we need it tomorrow for the pictures. Her response was she told the SD not to wear it, but the SD said she wanted to, so the BM said OK. Who is the PARENT here??!! Now I realize it's no big deal for me to throw the dress in the wash tonight, but why make it harder for everyone!!

This is an ongoing problem with the BM that she cannot, for some reason, say no to this child. Of course, we have to suffer every weekend because the SD (who is 6) comes to our house and DOES NOT get her way and it is a battle. My BF is currently trying to reason with the X about how this child needs consistent discipline between the two households. It's like talking to a brick wall.

Although I don't post too often, I come here most every day to read the blogs. It helps so much to know you are not alone in your frustrations. Thanks for allowing me to vent...

Comments

skye22's picture

Submitted by skye22 on Fri, 10/20/2006 - 2:44pm

Parenting sytles from one house and the next can be an issue. Don't let it. Be consistant with rules at your house becasue that is all that you have control of. I know it is confusing for the child but with time and consistancy she will learn the 'rules' and expected behavior at your house vs. her moms house.
About the dress thing, I wouldn't rely on the mother for much. Instead of fighting with her maybe just go buy a dress to keep at your house for his daughter.

Dawn-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Dawn-Moderator on Fri, 10/20/2006 - 2:57pm

I agree with what skye22 said. You can't control how the ex parents the child. We deal with that all of the time. You can suggest but that's it. Luckily for my stepson, he is here 2/3 time so it doesn't affect him as much as it used too.
Also, I found in my experience, if you want a nice outfit for your stepchild, don't rely on the ex for it. It's just easier to keep her uninvolved with the Sears pictures. We had to do that for years. When biomom had custody, she almost always forgot when it was picture day and it never failed, stepson would be dressed in some raggedy old t-shirt. Sears here we come. We had to do it every year until we got custody.

Dawn

hopeful's picture

Submitted by hopeful on Fri, 10/20/2006 - 2:50pm

That is when the real trouble begins is when the couple doesn't agree with each other on how to handle various situations. Sticking together as a couple is key to the survival of the marriage and stability of the family for the sake of the children (easier said than done though).

Candice's picture

Submitted by Candice on Fri, 10/20/2006 - 2:51pm

yupe..mom is the child/child is the parent. We deal with this too. SS who is turning 13 next month, throws temper tantrums if he doesn't get his way, and bm is completely spineless to ss. My dh and I make a joke out our ourselves, b/c we are the ONLY disciplinarians this young boy has...and every acknowledges that he is better off with us.

She called last week just frantic, she wants him to live with us again 50/50 custody. She doesn't know how to be the parent, she doesn't know how to follow through, she doesn't know how to establish boundaries...she was not raised well herself, and her role model didn't give her any good lessons on how to be a mom.

Sometimes these mothers we complain about..they just don'g GET IT, and part of the reason they don't get it, is b/c they just weren't taught how live "normal" when they were kids. And if she is in denial about herself, yes...it will be like talking to a brick wall. Based on my experience, bm's that act like the child, don't listen to reason until shit has blown up in their face...that is when they call and say "you were right!"

It is thoroughly frustrating...so come here, complain all you want! B/c we accept all your complaints with open arms, and if we have any advice about our experiences..we will share, and maybe even laugh at them!

hopeful's picture

Submitted by hopeful on Fri, 10/20/2006 - 3:14pm

What is that like for the kids...does it matter to them or are they just clothes and belongs that they understand they can wear at one place or the other? I have never had to be involved in this kind of situation and it must be challenging.

Kim's picture

Submitted by Kim on Fri, 10/20/2006 - 9:26pm

We use the same system at our house. My BF has 50/50 physical custody of his son and he would usually start out the school year at our house with all new school clothes and within 4-5 months, we'd end up with all the ratty old clothes (because the BM would send him to us with old clothes from her house). So I came up with the system of sending my BF's son back to his mother's with the same clothes he came in. It totally works and whether the child understands why it has to be this way or not, it eliminates all headaches and frustration with the child's wardrobe at our house. At first my BF's son did not understand why, but he just knows that this is the rule that he has to follow when he is at our house.

***Kim***

Dee's picture

Submitted by Dee on Fri, 10/20/2006 - 9:54pm

I agree with you that say we should have left BM completely out of the loop. After writing this today and looking more clearly at the situation tamping down the anger / frustration I always feel when dealing with this woman, I realized this could all have been avoided if we had just gotten SD a dress and left it at that. I will be more cognizant of this type of thing in the future. If it is at all possible to leave BM out of it, I'm all for it.

As far as the clothes between her house and ours...for the first several months I was adamant about "our" clothes staying at our house and sending SD back to her mother in the clothes she came in. Like some of you, we spent $$ getting SD some nice clothes to wear when she was with us, because BM always sent her in the most God-awful outfits. One time I was picking up SD to take her to a birthday party, which the BM knew, and the BM had SD dressed like a street person. Luckily I was prepared and had brought along an outfit. It was pitiful, because I had to change her in my car.

Anyway, I have relaxed quite a bit about the clothes, toys, dvds, etc. because I started noticing SD was becoming almost obsessed (picking up on my behavior?) with what belongs at Daddy's house and what belongs at Mommy's house. I didn't want her to feel like she had to be so concerned about these things at 5 years old. So I have relaxed and if she says something like "I have to take this back to Mommy's because Mommy bought this for me", I tell her it is hers and she can do with it as she wants. I have noticed since I have become more relaxed, she has too.

The poor kid has enough problems dealing with a BM that does not parent her well, without having to sweat the small stuff.

hopeful's picture

Submitted by hopeful on Fri, 10/20/2006 - 10:23pm

What would then be classified as belonging to the child? I understand how this system would work but what does it do to the child's identification of what is his. Would he not think that everything that he has, wears, plays with belong to everyone else?

lovin-life's picture

Submitted by lovin-life on Sat, 10/21/2006 - 7:55am

I wondered that too, hopeful.

If your favorite jeans 'live' at Dad's house but you want to go to the dance in them when 'staying' at Mom's house.......?

Cindy's picture

Submitted by Cindy on Sat, 10/21/2006 - 7:57pm

The SK's need to learn to be organised - it's part of being in a divorced situation - we let our SD take favourites from our house to her mom's on the proviso she brings them back. I'd love to be in a situation where the kids could toggle back and forth and just wear clothes that we buy and BM buys and not worry about it but BM NEVER buys clothes and so we were buying clothes for two households, I can honestly say there are no clothes in either of my stepkids closets that BM has provided and there is a bunch of clothes that we have bought which are M.I.A. at BM's house. My view on it was that that was what we paid child support for and since custody is 50/50 BM should pick up the slack - I hate having to keep such a tight rein on the clothes but if I don't it costs us more money than we can afford and BM gets a free pass to spend her child support on herself.

hopeful's picture

Submitted by hopeful on Sat, 10/21/2006 - 8:01pm

That must be stressful trying to balance all of this. I do appreciate that the cost would be endless if you didn't have this system. It is just unfortunate that everyone can't work together when marriages fail (yah, right....that would be such a plus!). Take care!

lovin-life's picture

Submitted by lovin-life on Sat, 10/21/2006 - 8:24pm

I agree, you have to be practical too, and do what works. Especially if BM is playing you guys at the kids expense....and if they can take some favorites back & forth, that's cool. I was just thinking that if I was a kid not being allowed to have my favorite jeans, might make me resentful at some point... Smile

Don't moms like buying cothes for their kids....? Daughter & I buy all of our jeans 2nd hand. We can't pay full price for new jeans that shrink, etc. We just bought 7 pairs of jeans for her...WE had a ball...name brands inc for $50.00 total. (One pair alone is $50.00) She won't pay retail prices for jeans..tops yes..jeans no-way!

Point is... money shouldn't even be an issue for BM as an excuse to not provide clothing for her kids... so I can understand your frustration... Smile

Cindy's picture

Submitted by Cindy on Sat, 10/21/2006 - 9:48pm

I don't think my SD would go for it because she is so spoiled and thinks of herself as a princess but maybe if I got some named brands she'd change her mind. I'd probably have to do the shopping though - she'd be horrified to go anywhere that wasn't Abercrombie and Fitch or Hollister. You're right though - it just doesn't fit that a BM would not want to buy her kids clothes and have them looking nice. I think it lacks class. I ended up buying a bunch of stuff from Walmart for my SS to take to his mom's because 1) they were the right size and not pants 2 sizes too small and half way up to his knees 2)they were cheap enough to not miss them if they stayed at BM's and 3) I was just so embarassed for SS and me every time I picked him up from school on transitional day because he looked like a homeless kid. Why put your kid through that if you don't have to?

lovin-life's picture

Submitted by lovin-life on Sat, 10/21/2006 - 10:06pm

You'd be surprised! Mine will take her friends....and then they get 'hooked'...

Don't worry they all buy the 'tops' and accessories at the 'must be seen in stores' at the mall....but it's almost cool to find brand names cheap..and not be ripped off by the big chains/big names...

Oh....btw..she found a brand new Rebok hoody for $6.00 bucks too. The place is always full of teenage girls...and very well dressed ladies..... Smile