Frustrated Again
My boyfriend tell me he loves me, I know he does, but he has such a communication problem. He says it was part of the difficulty with his ex. Okay, so then why doesn't he do something about it. He has difficulty telling me he loves me..actually saying the words. I maybe hear it about once a week. I tell him that I need to hear it more often. He has no problem telling his children he loves them every day...now I'm not comparing myself to the kids..but shouldn't that be easy to say to me too? For a while he felt it was a control problem, but after almost being together 3 years..I think that excuse is used up. 
This is what I was thinking...asking him to name one thing that he likes about me..something that I do for him..that he doesn't have to ask for, something that makes him feel good. Get his answer, and then say okay...I'm not going to do that anymore. Or maybe not say it..but just stop doing it. To me, if he knows how important that is to me...and how good it makes me feel...if you truly love someone you would work through it and say it more often. I told him last night that the last time he told me he loved me was 1 week ago. He said I really can't believe you remember things like that..I said of course I do, because it was totally unexpected and it meant a lot to me. Then he said he thinks it's nice that I remembered. But still didn't say it. We have a great time together, and most everything else is going good..you know the 12 year SD problem..but that's not major either..she will come around I think! He is great in bed and very loving there, never just turns over and goes to sleep, always holds me and strokes me..so no problems there..that is great. He just can't say those three little words that we somen love to hear. What do you think, am I being picky here..and should just be happy with all the other good qualities he has??
Thanks for any input!
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Do you think
Could he be scared that if he tells you those 3 little words that he will get hurt somehow? I am just curious.. Because my my BF (well my husband now) it took him 1 year to tell me he loved me, we are now married and everything. But I just found out recently that he did not tell me for a year because he wanted to make sure and also make sure that I was not going to walk away. If they do not say it then they can save any heartache. Does that make sense?
Kids are so different..
Sounds like you are me.. My husband and I have too been together for 3 years too. And its crazy to read this cuz I was like dang it I have been there she is talking about me.. LOL
You are being picky...you are just saying what you need.
You have told him how much it means to you to hear those words...have you told him that you NEED to hear those words to feel whatever it is that it makes you feel...I don't know...safe, secure, loved, wanted, cherished. I don't think men really appreciate the importance of this kind of stuff. It is important but if he shows you in other ways that he loves you, maybe that is his way of saying the words?!
Check out
the "Five Love Languages". Just type that into your search engine and click on the site. I think this may help you. Everyone is different and everyone expresses love in different ways. Learning the five love languages will make you aware of things he may already be doing, that are HIS way of telling you he loves you. It's all about communication and knowing what is important to the other. It would be helpful for him to read the site as well. I agree with you, that it is so nice to hear those three little words and they make us feel special, but not everyone feels the same way we do. My b/f does not have a hard time saying it, and doesn't say it as often as I would like, but he does and says so much more that mean just as much to me. I dont think you are being picky. You are just a little more sensitive about it than he is.
GREAT BOOK....
It's a 'must read' for anyone who loves...
Aloha, MJ
I meant to say you AREN'T BEING PICKY, JUST SAYING WHAT YOU NEED
Sorry grammar error there...I meant you aren't being picky...
3 Little words
Your right happy, he is scare to say it. He didn't say it for almost 2 years, then said he feels like he is relinquishing..whatever that means. His ex cheated on him and threw it in his face for a few years, before he moved out, so he is scared of another committment and of getting hurt again.
Thank you for all your input...it is good to see that I'm not the only one wanting to hear that...and not the only one who is not getting it enough.
I'm new to this site, but read and check it every day!
Thanks.
Question...
Okay, first let me ask you. I'm assuming he was in a previous relationship. Did he leave or did she leave him?
My DH was the same during the begining phase of our relationship. For the first 5 years, it was like pulling teeth to get him to just say I love you to me too. If I said it to him, he's day 'ditto'. I even voiced my concerns to him, but what I come to found out was that his spirit was broken. Men put themselves in a shell or cave to deal with their own issues privately.
So, if you look at his past, his relationship history, he may have been so hurt that now he's gun shy about getting that deep into another one. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love you! He's expressing it in another way that you are either not recognizing or understanding.
Also, my DH did everything he possible could to make his ex happy, but she left him regardless. So, he was very protective and had a wall built around him... which included those little words. Over time, and my gradual expression of love to him, he started to express it. After I realized that, I started to back off of him and expect that he loved me. I looked around me and noticed that he is expressing his love for me. I just needed to look for it. He cooked for me, he did things for me, he watched movies I wanted to watch, he made me laugh. Those were just as important to me as those little words.
There is a saying that always sticks to me...even to this day. It's one thing to need to be loved, it's another thing to be loved because you are needed.
I mean this is the upmost respect, but the fact that you need him to verbally say he loves you is partly an insecure issue within yourself, or each of us.
I was thinking the same thing...
Like maybe he has some serious abandonment or rejection issues, and is afraid to keep 'putting himself out there'...I mean if you know he loves you, do you feel loved and he's just not saying it, or do you feel unloved AND he's not saying it?
Those are two very different situations. Because if you know he loves you, it may be insecurtiy, but if you're not feeling the love from him, it's more than the absence of those three words that's missing.
Aloha, MJ
I agree with everything that you said up to the last sentence...
Hi Step Mom,
I do agree with everything that you described and that men often express love in different ways than women. We did a really awesome exercise in our couples workshop about identifying our needs. There was a long list. My husband and I identified our own needs and then the needs each other's needs. Our needs were very different and how we identified each others needs was very different. If hearing the words I love you is important to you, vickyh, identify it as a need. I don't agree that this makes you insecure. I am not a big hugging person, my husband is. So I make sure that he gets hugs even though it isn't that big of a deal to me. I think that it is all about understanding what our partners needs are and trying to meet those needs even if we don't understand them.
good point...
I am not a person who needs to 'hear it' my husband does, so sometimes I tend to not think the words are as important (cause they're not, to 'selfish me')
I need to remind myself to say it often to my husband, because it matters to him.
Aloha, MJ