My turn for the Holiday dilema...
I can't believe this but last night BF and I were having a really nice evening and we were talking and boom he says BM wants to know the plans for Christmas (which means here's what she wants to do and lets see how it fits into our schedule) "and I'm going to be with the kids on Christmas morning at her house!!!!!" Okay yes did I almost loose my cookies right there.....YES! Just like that no questions asked, no discussion ..boom boom I'm going there Christmas morning and that's that...I was so taken aback that I just blurted out "Wow do I feel left out"! He says no your not left out we celebrate Christmas with my family on Christmas afternoon and so we'll have the kids then. I just can't believe it I'm so sad, I mean I've been running around doing everything cleaning house and moving in and trying to get everything done so that we can have a nice Christmas and I thought how nice I'll be able to wake up with BF on Christmas morning and we'll have some time together and then the kids will come and we'll open presents...etc.etc..wow I just need to get out of my fantasy world I guess. BF says that the kids asked for him to be there but I know it was BM because I just know how she works, plus when he was repeating himself to make sure I understood "it was all about the kids" he mentioned that she asked him. Have you guys experienced this? Do your significant others go to BM's for Christmas morning? Doesn't this seem weird? Please let me say that I would love for him to be with his kids on Christmas morning but hey they are divorced and are both in other relationships. What do you think the response would have been if he said "oh I want the to be with the kids on Christmas morning at my house!" Never going to happen in a million years! Maybe I'm crazy but what the hell is she going to do with her boyfriend, I mean she spends most of her time at his house now according to the kids, plus he has a son, I don't think he'll be going to the mothers house that morning or having her over.
Should I not be this crazed about it? I just don't trust her at all and this is just another way for her to control the situation. Maybe its just me feeling left out and its not like I can't do other things like go see my god daughter and her brother on Christmas morning but Jesus I didn't get into a relationship to do all this shit separately...man you just can't figure every little thing. Well I'm very sad, very sad and again its one of those damn situations that you just can't fight because I will look like the bitch going "don't be with your kids" even though that's not what I would mean....We were having such a nice night too....
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Never! No way! Not since
Never! No way! Not since we’ve been together!! I think this sends a bad message to the kids especially since this is your first Christmas living together…is this going to become some bizarre holiday tradition?! I’m sorry for you and I sympathize b/c I would be crushed too! If you were to go there with him it would be a very ackward situation and that is EXACTLY why he shouldn’t be going either…they are not that “picture perfect little family any more” and I’m sorry but is it really about the kids and their needs or is it about biomom’s need to feel “normal”? I’m sure the kids will LOVE IT don’t get me wrong, but I’m also sure that if they get into this habit the it will be the same year after year…this is a great year to start new traditions, not hang onto dead ones…hopefully you can get him to come around on this one!
Make a GREAT Day!
I like Nise's summary phrase...
"This is a great year to start new traditions, not hang onto dead ones". This sums it all up beautifully. He can still be with his children without his ex. You are not living in a fairytale world...you are living in a world of reality that you thought would exist for you and BF. Apparently HE lives in a fairytale world about what reality is these days for him, for you, for his kids and his ex. I empathize with you. I think that I would be so upset about this that I would have him gift wrapped and placed under their tree for Christmas morning...I wouldn't being willing to spend my Christmases lonely but committed to someone. That is just me though...perhaps I am not very patient.
OMG That's not right!
OMG That's not right!
You now what. My kids had/have Christmas Eve & a few hours in the morning to open gifts with us....then go to Dad's for their 2nd Christmas...Dad likes to sleep in we get up early..so it all works. Then next day..they drive across province and have a 3rd Christmas at X's mothers, visit my grandmother/relatives (my X takes them to visit my people too). They have NEVER felt that they have MISSED out...(aside from every kids wish to have their parents together)...the reality is we were not together...we all made the best of it.
WE did not give them false hope of us re-uniting by abandoning our partners especially on such a special day...
The kids were/are TRUELY excited and truely enjoy the "new traditions" that have evolved since their parents break-up..
You have to set this right......
He shouldn't dump you for her...or the kids!!! She's old news and the kids grow up and move away ......he'll turn around one day looking for you when the x & kids are busy with their lives.....and guess what.....you'll be long gone!!! What a shock that would be to him.....
I think if....If he goes...you go....after all your all part of thier lives and according to him "it's all about the kids".
Let Mom & Dad put their money where their mouths are....... If they want to do whats' best for the kids.....INCLUDE ALL OF YOU!!!!!!!
This stinks!
People get divorced for a reason... and that reason is NOT so they can spend an ooey gooey Christmas morning with their ex-spouse and children, playing the "happy family." Of course all parents want to watch their kids wake up on Christmas morning and open presents, but you know what? The Christmas morning experience is just another casualty of divorce. Most people know when they get divorced that it means each parent celebrates things with their children SEPARATELY. Otherwise, why not just stay married?!
~ Anne ~
We are snowed in today!
Interesting day today...everything in the city is cancelled. A blizzard over night. Nice to be safe at home!
This only works if all involved agree to it...
Our parenting plan is set up so that ss is with one parent Christmas Eve and until ~10 a.m. Christmas morning, then goes to the other parents house to spend the rest of Christmas break with the other parent until school is back in session.
The two short years that bm was with a guy she genuinely loved, she was a totally different person, extremely happy, compassionate, not so self centered, rational...completely opposite of what she is alone, or with the other jerks she dates. Anyhow, this bf at this time was a guy that we really liked. One Christmas day, we agreed to drop ss off at Grandma's house (her mothers) at noon and they invited us in. We stayed for a few hours, joked, had a couple of beers while all the kids played outside. We have also done this on one Easter Sunday too. But in regards to Christmas, we opened our gifts and had our celebration at our house first, then went to mom's.
The only way this works, is if all individuals invovled are okay with it. And not to mention...you don't need to replace your own Christmas morning by having it at someone else's house...you wake up, have your own Christmas, and then go to other relatives/family/friends.
The first thing that your bf needs to do is DISCUSS events like this with you first to see how you feel about it. PERIOD. My dh would never in a million years make a decision about our holiday without me to begin with...and that is where you bf needs to begin. Personally, I think that bm is using the kids to be manipulative by saying "it's for the kids.." when she is being selfish and really doesn't want to share the kids to begin with.
I hope you can find a comprimise:)
Happiest holidays to you..
Candice
Better nip this now or you
Better nip this now or you will be dealing with this for years to come.
ITS BEYOND WEIRD
JUST SAY NO!
It not BM its the guy your with thats manipulating you, and YOU! Just refuse to be a part of that.
Say NO WAY, under any circumstances.
Wow...
You know honey... let me just tell you what I would do.
Come Christmas morning, I'd be up dressed and ready, sitting and waiting in the car! Smile sweetly, "It's all for the kids, honey Let's go!" lol.
There is a reason why alot of us have a holiday schedule. For us, we have to split Christmas Eve and Christmas Day up between BM and BF, just like Candice, but ours is drop off at 8pm on Christmas Eve... thanks to BM. For example, BM gets even years to have Christmas, which means that we get SS for Christmas Eve those years, and we get Christmas Day on odd years, and BM gets SS for Christmas Eve... we in no way, shape or form, whould EVER spend Christmas with her 'for SS's sake'... there is something else going on here.
You have every right to be upset, and to put your foot down-even if it means you're looking like a "bitch'- just be tackful and make him explain his actions. I won't put up with it at all. There are times to pick and chose your battles... this would be one of mine I'd fight.
You know, it just came to me... why don't you NOT invite him to your family events, literally, and just take the kids with you instead? Tell him EXACTLY what he's telling you, I mean, literally but in reverse. If he gets upset, then just deal with it like he does with you... literally. Maybe, if you and your ex are civil at all, maybe you can insinuate that you're going over to your ex's for christmas...
I am sooo with Candice on this one. I hate to say it, but who's interest does BF really have here? His, yours as a couple, or the kids? I personally think it's his own... not the kids, or the BM's, just his.
I don't know honey, I think this is not right. If this were me, I tell you... there would be war! lol ;0)
I am so OMG
He has a lot of nerve.. I can say I honestly dated a guy who did that to me with his kids and there mom.. Needless to say we did not last.. At all.. I ended telling him to hit the door.
How inconsiderate of your feelings. If we the parents give into everything our kids want they will never ever know how to do anything for themselves and never ever know how to deal with lifes little surprises.
I think that love is great.. But your BF is not thinking of you at all. And I think if it were me in your shoes I would give him the ultimatum! You deserve to be included. And the resentment you are going to feel with the kids. Even though you may not mean to have that resentment. it will be there you are human.
I am so sorry. It hurts so bad.. Because it just sends it home all the more that you are less important at least that is how you are feeling I am sure.
I think you need to sit down and just spill the beans to him..on h ow you totally feel about all this. And tell him to put the shoe on the other foot. How would he feel if the rolls were reversed.. And it was you going to your ex's and leaving him at home.. I bet you he would not like it.. Even if it were innocent (and I am sure his is only for his kids) but that does not dismiss your feelings.. Again my sympathy is with you..
apd...you need a strategy...
Maybe you should write him a letter and tell him how all of this makes you feel….the letter gives you an opportunity to:
1. edit yourself
2. get it all out without being interrupted
3. take the “emotion” out of it (he wont have to see you cry and you wont react in anger and say something you don’t mean)
Then maybe you can close your letter by telling him that you know it is a lot to think about, if he could take some time and think about it and maybe you two have a “date” and discuss it again at that time…i.e. Sunday morning over breakfast….
Make a GREAT Day!
Just say NO!!
I would absolutely NOT stand for this!! If you allow this to happen this year, what happens next year and the year after?? Are you expected to spend Christmas mornings alone? I think there is a much deeper problem here that your BF would make this decision with the BM without discussing this with you first. My BF wouldn't dare do something like this to me - I would hit the roof! Does the BM still have this much control over your BF? I would have a serious discussion with him about your expectations of this relationship.
You guys are just great..
Thank you so much for all of the responses and the support. You see I wouldn't think of doing something like this to my BF or spouse and so I didn't even think of some of these good responses, like saying "can I come with you.." I just didn't even think of that, I was to busy being crushed. The sad thing is, is that he doesn't think in any way shape or form that what he's going to do is hurting anyone at all and that its the "best thing for the kids". He doesn't see that it is sending the wrong message, that she's just doing this to get points because the sad thing is is if she gets mad at him between now and then then all bets are off and he won't be coming up. BF wants that "FAMILY" like leave it to Beaver but just doesn't see the reality of his life and who he and the x are. I hate it because I can see it and thats hard to watch!
Its nice to see that I'm not totally crazy with my feelings here. Hey I come from a divorced family and granted I was older, but I had some pretty weird situations with mom and dad and their respective others but realized that that was the way it was that mom and dad aren't together. And damn there were several times I wanted them to be together but they weren't and that was life!
Well I'm moving some more things in tonight and we'll see how things go I'll try and discuss this with him again rationally but I seriously doubt it will go that way because he just gets so defensive about the whole thing!!
Off topic...
I don't know where you are from, Fearless, but it's been a long time since I've heard anyone use the term poleaxed. When I use that word, I get a blank stare. ;°)
~ Anne ~
Move on............
Let me ask you, how many times has this guy been divorced? 3 or more? Do you have a habit of taking on men who have problems. Are you the mothering type? This is going to end badly. Whatever you do, dont move in with this guy and if you have, get an exit plan. I also imagine this relationship effects your work. You know you need to "regroup" if he has you doing his work or tending to his needs during your work hours. You need to listen to those who care about you. He sounds like he will never be able to break the ties with BM. And you will suffer. This sounds just like my experience. BF hurt in a car accident. Out of work and waiting on settlements and such. Im a business professional and found myself doing his "school project" during work hours and staying late at work to complete these types of things. He was always texting and calling BM. I had a crush on my guy as a child and the thought to have him after all these years felt good. He, in the meantime, went thru 3 divorces and I went thru 2 as well. I presently work with my EX and in hindsight, that relationship was much stronger, tho lacking romance, than my experience. You sound just like me. I found this website as a result of my friends/family refusing to discuss or hear about BF anymore.
BF still spends holidays with ex-wife and sometimes her family
Thanks to anyone who reads and/or comments on my posting. I have been with my BF for almost 2 years and we are talking about getting married. We spend a lot of time with his 3 kids and my 2 and everyone gets along great.
My problem is that the entire time we've dated, we've never spent a holiday together with all of our kids. He always spends them with his ex-wife and sometimes her family. In fact, his ex-wife spends the night at his house on Christmas Eve so they can put the presents out together in the middle of the night. They also still buy all the gifts for the kids together. This happens for birthdays, too. They buy the kids' gifts together and go out to eat together as a family.
This Easter was another example. He went to church with the ex and her family, they all had lunch together, then went back to the ex's parents house to play games and he fell asleep over there while relaxing.
He tells me it means nothing to him as far as being with his ex-wife and that it's just a way to be with his kids for the holidays. They have nothing in writing regarding splitting the holidays and he says he doesn't want to do that to his kids. He thinks the divorce is hard enough on them. He says he knows if we keep dating things will have to change, but I told him he shouldn't wait until we are engaged to change it because then the kids will see that as the reason for the change, which will make them have hard feelings towards our relationship.
I have tried to tell him that they are just perpetuating their kids' dreams of them getting back together.
I try really hard to be accommodating regarding his kids and mine and their feelings, but this bothers me on so many levels that I wanted to get some other opinions.
Thanks again!