Parenting plan changes, funny phone calls and restraining orders oh my!
This update is huge and has some different parts to it...sorry if it's too long but you all know how long-winded I am! BM got the petition to modify the parenting plan in the mail yesterday. I had been wondering what she would do when she got it. I don't know why I even had any doubts. We got a phone call last night from her which was, in all honesty, very funny. She meant it to be threatening but listening to it was just so amusing. The weird thing is that she knows we're recording her phone calls and she still continues to call us and hand us stuff to use against her.
Some choice phrases from the phone call...she originally stated "What the hell is going on?" Then when BF went to answer her she just kept talking. "I want to know what the F*** is up with this parenting plan bullsh** that YOU told ME you WEREN'T going to do!!!" See, when she started letting us have SS more than the court ordered, she said that she didn't want to go modifying the plan, she just wanted us to have some extra time. Of course that means BF said he wouldn't do it to her. "We WILL discuss this." Which basically means she will sit there and yell at you and not allow you to talk, then hang up on you when she's said what she wanted to say. "You are a deadbeat son of a bi*** and I will NOT allow this, I will bring you to court, I will sue you, I will press charges, I WILL stop this or I WILL DIE!!!" (No comment...)
BF at this point says "Are you done?"
"No I'm not done! How do you expect to be a parent when you can't even take care of yourself?" (Look who's talking...) "You don't have a residence, you don't know how to take care of MY son, you can't give him his medicine correctly, and you are NOT going to play around and get extra time to be a PRETEND PARENT!!!! So F*** YOU!!!" *click*
OMG we laughed about this one for at least 10 minutes afterwards. BF pointed out that it's funny that BM's story always changes to suit her needs at the time. Now she says that BF doesn't have a residence, but last week she was griping at us that were were NOT to take SS to our new home. Another example is she's griping recently about not having money, but she told me about a year ago "If he knew how much money I had he might come back to me". Yeah, no comment about that one either...
Also, I've pretty much decided to go ahead and get a restraining order. I've been putting up with her for too long and taken the high road thinking that eventually things would get better. Well you know what, it's been three years and she still is just as bad as she was in the beginning. Her most recent method of stalking is running title searches on me to try to get my new address (she could have just ASKED but nooo...she has to play fricking Sherlock Holmes and try to scare us because she can "find out" things about us that she doesn't think we want her to know...then she always runs to us when she finds these things like a cat who's caught a mouse...look what I got!!! it's pathetic...), which I'm assuming she found because she said "You will NOT take MY SON to that $$$$ DUMP you bought in ****". And "Maybe if you hadn't spent $$$$ on a new home in **** you'd be able to give me some extra gas money!!!" (see what I mean?) That one was when BM called and asked BF if she would give her money and he told her no, that the $100 a week he was sending her was fine. BUT I digress. So like I said, I've decided to get a restraining order. I don't think there's any other way for this woman to understand that she just can't be allowed to conduct herself the way she is. She's not going to come to this conclusion on her own. I spoke to an attorney and right now a restraining order is my only option, and it would be really easy to get one considering the hundreds of emails I have from her, recorded phone messages, etc. I am afraid that it's going to piss her off and I know she's going to violate it right away just to test me, but I'm not going to cut her any slack. Every time I get an email, a message on the machine directed at me, a phone call at work, every time I so much as see her out of the corner of my eye I'm calling the cops. I'm SO SICK of her constant harrassment. I haven't spoken to her in months yet she continues to send me nasty emails and leave threatening messages on our phone for me to call her. Hello? You'd think she would have gotten the hint by now.
The attorney told me that the only way to get her to snap back into reality is to hit her where she's actually going to feel it. They told me that the only way to do that is to cost her money or to get her arrested. Just suing for a restraining order will cost her money because she'll have to pay the court fees and such. It would probably take a few times of getting arrested before she realizes that HER behavior has caused this...I really hope it doesn't come to arrests (but the lawyer told me it most likely would because she's JUST THAT thick-headed) because she works in a mental health profession (go figure) and I'm sure her employer would already be pretty upset that she even has the restraining order, much less is getting arrested for violating it. I don't want her to lose her job because then she won't be capable to provide for SS and I don't want that...but at the same time if she's getting arrested two or three times a month maybe it'll be a little easier to get custody of SS at least until BM has straightened her life out a little bit.
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Comments
Wow
Wow, Nymh. It sounds like you've come a long way. I've been following your story and I'm proud of you for sticking to your guns and not engaging with her anymore and taking the steps to get this restraining order and vowing to ENFORCE it. Kudos!
By the way, is she mentally ill or just stupid? She almost sounds worse than my SD's BM! (And I never thought I'd say that about anyone!)
Thank you thank you!
I've been working so hard to change the way I go about things where BM is concerned. She used to really get to me and in the past week or so I've started to feel my blood pressure rising whenever I have to listen to her speak or see an email from her. I am NOT about to let my physical health be adversely affected by her immaturity and psychotic crap! I would rather get the restraining order and deal with the consequences than allow myself to get sick while I sit around and do nothing wishing that some day she'll come to her senses!
I seriously do believe that she is mentally ill. She seems to have a sociological disorder...she stays shut up in her house all the time, works from home most of the time, is very insecure and tells everyone all of her problems within minutes of meeting them. She's seriously a very strange woman even outside of all the ridiculous crap she's put me and my BF through.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
I know the feeling!
I know the feeling when you actually feel your blood pressure start to rise every time you hear from her. It's so godawful! Here's to not letting ourselves get physically ill over an impossible situation but actually doing something to change it! Woo hoo!
Your hard work at changing the way you go about things with BM is paying off. She is so obsessed with you, this is the only way to put an end to her extremely inappropriate behavior. DAMN - if I had to put up with what you do, I think I'd lose my mind! BM is obsessed with me too, but in a different way. She's obsessively jealous of what I have and she doesn't and just wants to drive me away as though I'm the cause of all her problems. She thinks if she can convince everyone that I'm bad that they will back her up, but no one has come to that conclusion and it infuriates her. Instead, everyone is trying to get her to accept me. I doubt she'll ever get the message, but at least everyone is sending it over and over again! It's all I can ask!
Anyway, I'm supporting you all the way, Nymh! You're doing the right thing!
Good Luck
It is so sad that we must take these issues to court and involve the police for a little respect and rights of a parent(s) I wish you luck with it all Nymph, but beware of the bm still, while she is obviously off her rocker, if she gets a lawyer they may be warning her of the consequences of these restraining orders, and what your game plan may be. And we all know how these bm's can turn on the lies and tears to turn things around no matter what the truth. We went through the same, trying to show the courts that bm was going against our agreement and we were told that we would have to request court ordered police involvement-the police would pick up and deliver our 4yr. to our home when she denied visits???! It was at this point my dh gave up...he would not put his son in this position. As a note, though not married to this bm, a separation agreement was drawn because of their child and business opened together, my dh had a clause in the agreement declaring no "spouse" could interfere, or disrupt the others personal life or face charges of contempt...didn't come through for us but we tried.
Girlfriend..
I would not feel the least bit sorry for her if she looses her job. She needs to 1. grow up 2. learn that she does not control the universe and 3. learn how to treat people. If your BF is such a horrible person then why did she choose him to father her child? Did or has anyone asked her that.
I think your getting a restraining order is a smart thing to do. You will for one feel relief and for the other you will be taking your life back. You have put up with enough from her. Take your lives back and let her live with the consequences of her behavior. If she gets in trouble with her job then so be it, its not your fault that you are having to get a restraining order it is hers. Her actions are causing you to have to take legal actions. She is down right harrassing you.
Her talking to you or BF in that manner I would just hang up on her everytime she started that talk. And after about 100 times she may get the hint. I am having a hard time believing that she is in a professional field like she is and is not chewing and spitting with her mouth. WOW.. I wonder if SS was right there when she spoke to him that way. If he was he may grow up to be a "Sailor".. LOL just kidding.
Go get the restraining order, she deserves it. You have been nice now its time to be a "bitch" and you have every reason
I am giving you all my support..
Happy
Thank you!
Thank you so much for your support. It really means a lot to me.
I do worry about her losing her job because I don't want SS to have to go through the upheaval that that would inevitably cause. But at the same time I feel like SS is not SAFE in a home with this woman and it might be a good thing for him to be taken away. A part of me feels bad for wanting SS to live with us because I don't want to feel like I've ripped him from his home, but the bigger part of me knows that he would be safer with us and I'm sure most of his medical and emotional problems would magically disappear...
She does do most of these things in front of SS. There are times when she even forces him to call us and we can hear him crying and her in the background saying "SAY IT! SAY WHAT I TOLD YOU!" He told us that he sometimes hides in his room from his mother and cries because she hurts his feelings so bad. WTF?
And as far as the why did she choose him to father her child if he's such a horrible person thing, that's another example of how her story constantly changes to suit her needs at the time. When she's trying to convince me that I need to run from him and not have anything to do with him it's "he treated ME this way so you KNOW he'll treat you this way blah blah blah, he'll never change, he's the same man now as he was then and YOU can never change him" But when asked why she ever chose to marry him or why she fought so hard to keep him she says "he's not the man I fell in love with, he's changed, he's completely different now..."
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
Haha
I just realized that I used the same type of title to this blog as sosmomof6 used in her most recent blog. I guess it just goes to show that we're all in this together! lol
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
Hmmm...
Well, one part of me is saying... GOOD FOR YOU... but the other side of me is... RED FLAG, approach with caution.
If you do press a harassment case against her, and she does lose her job over being arrested, then your DH's cs support may remain at that ridiculous high rate because she's unemployed. I know first hand how this stuff goes. It happened to us. But DH had to put a 'gag order' on BM (I can't remember the term they used for it) but BM was capable of holding a job, she would get in the habit of 'quitting' her job three months or so before court, and claim she was unemployed so her CS would go up. The third time she tired this, DH's attorney had an order put on her that she was to hold a full time job at all times because she was capable of working, not disabled and there was no reason for her 'losing' her job.
So, if you want the adjustment to cs, approach this first, then after that has all be said and final, then approach the restraining order. This way, your cs will be protected for however long it is, what 6 months I think, before she can 'file' for a adjustment again. I don't know, maybe it's different for each state, but where I live, you have to wait 6 months in order to go back to court for adjustments of any sort. Check this out with your attorney, even though this case is strictly between you and her, it could ultimately affect your DH.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
RE:
The optimistic part of me is wishing that if that does happen, and she loses her job due to getting arrested, that the judge will see that she is incapable of taking care of a child due to getting arrested and losing her job...hopefully order her into therapy and give us at least temporary custody. That may be high hopes but that's what would happen in ideal circumstances.
Now it's entirely possible that BM may sue for more CS due to losing her job, and instead of giving us more custody they just give her more money. In that case I don't know what we'd do because the payment we're already giving is far too high...
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
Yeah, I see it both ways too...
but the cautionary side of me thinks that a judge would only see it as a 'one time' offense, and not really take it into consideration... now if it happens over and over, yeah, maybe.
I don't know. Talk to an attorney and see what they suggest. I can see it going either way.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
Wow
I wonder if your BM is related to our BM. Just kidding. I thought I had a bad case of the nutty BM's, but your situation is worse. It sounds like you are holding up well in such a terrible situation.
This whole thing about her being mentally ill, I'm not so sure. I am in a support group with some people who are truly mentally ill and when they do wrong or inappropriate things they apologize later. They aren't happy about their behavior. It sounds to me like she has a personality disorder, which is a polite way of saying she is all #$%%ed up, but doesn't have a biological reason for it.
The mentally ill can be treated. The jerks of this world can only be treated with a cold hard dose of reality like going to jail for their innapropriate behavior. It sounds like you have done everything you could for her and now she needs a "time out."
Enforcing restraining orders is not always so easy so brace yourself for some static. If you get them enforced without a lot of nonsense you are really lucky and I hope it goes that way for you.
Good luck,
// Susanna
"One breath at a time is an acceptable plan."
Ani DiFranco
Twins!
I've come to the conclusion that your BM and our Bm must be twins who were separated at birth
There are just so many direct similarities! Saying "we WILL discuss this" with emphasis on the word "will" and it actually meaning that BM will yell all her opinions at you, but not listen to a word you say. Repeating that the SS is her HER SON and HER SON only; also saying that the BF is a "pretend parent"~ somehow in their minds only *they* can do everything for the child and DH is useless. Yet the BF's weren't useless when the child was created. Anyway, it's also similar how they try turning things around so that you're "wrong" for spending any money for anything, because she wants it for herself...and will use such arguments for that cause. BM said the same thing when we got basic cable after not having TV for the previous 3 years..."funny how you got TV but you say you can't afford amount of support"....UGH. She ordered a digital satellite dish when she moved into her more expensive house, I know this because she invited me over back before paternity was established, and she was ordering Pay-Per-View movies off of it! And she has the gall to turn around and imply that we shouldn't have any TV :?
Anyway, you know BM has issues, and she shouldn't be using SS and putting him in the middle of things. I cannot see what she provides to him in the way of anything positive. If she is neglectful, harming SS's emotional and mental well-being and all, then he doesn't need that. I think you have a very good case for having SS stay with you, and BF has every reason to want a parenting plan in place. Continue to be strong~ your heart is in the right place. This woman needs help to get it together for that boy's sake....
P.S. I noticed about the blog title too...hmm..I guess great minds think alike!
RE:
What I love is that BM tries to make us feel guilty for every new purchase we make, but she's the one that has bought not one but TWO new laptops in the past two years, bought a new phone for herself, set up a phone for her son on her cell plan and bought him a brand new $200 phone, bought yet another phone for her fake identity and tried to get me to call it, sent $150 wire to her friend across the country...I could go on and on. Are any of these things necessities? NO! And she bit$#&s when we buy a house?!? Which, by the way, is over $200 less a month than we WERE spending on rent...so really she should be THANKING US!!
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
Make that...
Triplets!
SS's BM has moved three times in less than 6 months, bought 3 cars in less than 6 months... no, I'm sorry 4... she just got a Dodge Durango courtesy from DH cs we gather.
Yep... the list goes on and on and on. I can relate too!
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
Thank you!
Thank you so much for your kind words and support! They mean so much to me. I love reading what you write because you're so expressive
Oh, and to add to the list of double-standards...we learned today that BM traded her 2000 model car that she only owed 3K on, to a brand-new 2006 car going in upside-down on the loan due to the balance on her other loan being rolled into it. So that makes two laptops, three cell phones, money wired to her friend across the country, and a new car! And she STILL begrudges US of every NECESSARY purchase that we make!
*~So sayeth Nymh~*