I need some advice...
Hi, I've been reading the posts here and think this site seems pretty useful and hopefully therapeutic. So here's my situation:
I've met the man of my dreams; he's absolutely the one, and we have an incredible relationship. I never dreamed I could be this close to someone. We've both been married before; I'm divorced with no kids and no contact with my ex. He has a kid, fourteen, and shares custody with his ex. They get along pretty well, and she, though often a total jerk to him, isn't bad to me. I get along very well with his daughter, also, which is a huge relief. We have her every other weekend, and some weeknight evenings.
I recently moved in with BF, and we are planning to get married next summer. So, maybe I shouldn't even be whining, but I'm really having a tough time lately. Here's the thing: I feel like my whole life is being swallowed up by his. I don't have much in the way of family, I don't have children, and thus I feel like a lesser moon orbiting around a giant planet. I moved into his place because he lives closer to his daughter (which we've agreed to stay in until she graduates from high school, then we'll move somewhere else), and it seems like our whole life is structured around his life, his daughter, his dog, etc. I think it's especially hard for me because I don't have kids-- which never bothered me, until now. All the emotional connections seem to be his, and I feel like I have nothing except him. I've talked to him about it and he's very understanding and does everything he can to make me feel like our couple is the center of this new family, rather than my being just an add-on to his old one. I know it will take time, but it's making me feel incredibly insecure, jealous, frustrated, and a lot more emotionally fragile than I'm used to being. I'm usually much more even-keel than this. Sometimes the feelings are so frustrating that I question whether I want to do this anymore. And that seems absolutely crazy: that I could even contemplate leaving this wonderful relationship because of feelings that, though I know I'm entitled to, are mostly groundless. Why do I feel so frustrated and anxious? Can anyone else out there share your feelings and how you cope with this?
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Already a family
I think the problem is that your BF has the family and you're feeling like the interloper or the outsider. Time to take charge: what are some family traditions of yours? Introduce a family night, introduce new traditions, introduce new activities. I redecorated my DH's house when I moved in and that was one thing that my SD really appreciated! SD & I also had fun redecorating her room. Also, when my SD was young and we got along I established some traditions with her, Xmas ornament exchange, holiday cookie bake and exchange, girls night out. It may sound old fashioned but the woman truly is the heart of the home. It sounds like you truly love the guy and have the beginnings of a great relationship with the SD - best of of luck to you and keep us posted.
Glynne
Not crazy!!
Oh my god yes! That is exactly how I feel. You are not crazy, or we are both crazy!!
I have always wanted a family (my own wasn't close) and so I TOTALLY know how you feel. I feel even worse because all of the co-kid events involve the EX's whole family, who lives in town. So I'm not close to my mom, but I'm close to hers? Blech.
Glynne's advice is right on -- make the house your own, establish your own traditions and grow your own "family". That is the key thing. You will start to feel connected and that you have your own special thing. Remember that the key to a good family life for your SD is a strong and special relationship between you and your guy. It is good for everyone for you two to focus on building your own thing together. It will look very different from what you each have separately. I think that this is always an issue when folks get married later in life, and it is even harder when it involves kids on one side and not the other.
You have to decide that the positives are worth it. They are for me, most of the time. I love my little family and they do belong to me in ways that they don't belong to anyone else. I have to keep reminding myself of this. Thank goodness for my DH, who understands all of this and makes me feel part of something beautiful and special and all mine, more often than not. It sounds like you have a great guy, too, and a great start with your SD!! Please do keep us posted.
Good Point
Gwen had a great point. Your and your BF need to put your relationship first. That doesn't mean exclude the SD - think of it as the foundation or the corner stone for the family. I'm so glad that you've posted on this website - wouldn't it be nice if we continue to hear from you and you build a positive marriage and family. Hope springs eternal - I'm rooting for you!!
Glynne
Thanks!
Wow, thanks to everyone for the advice. I especially appreciated Gwen's comments because it sounds like you have gone through what I'm going through. I've never had a close family (except I was actually close to my ex's family, which was huge, so that was the one sad thing about breaking it off with him). So, sometimes even seeing my BF hug his daughter makes me feel sad and alone. It feels terrible to feel that way, and I hate having thoughts like that.
But, on a positive note, all your comments have really helped, already. I'm going to take Glynne's advice on the traditions and on redecorating/rearranging the house to make it more our space. We'll have to create the traditions, though, because I don't really have any that come from my family. But I talked to BF about this last night over drinks, and he's all for it. Plus, I had a great time with future SD last night (we had her for the evening) so that made me feel better.
One of the things that's been a sporadic source of frustration is that his ex still treats him like her temp husband whenever she needs something. Case in point: yesterday her car blew up because she's an idiot (the engine light had been on for three months and she didn't bother to get it checked). SO... what does she do? She calls up my BF and asks for his help, saying as justification: "Don't think of me as your ex wife, think of me as your daughter's mother." Luckily, BF gets that she's going to always try to manipulate him into doing stuff for her by trying to milk the "it's for your daughter" line. So, he told her she needs to just deal with it on her own.
One of the things that makes me crazy about this situation is that she isn't going to butt out and realize that she doesn't have a husband/punching bag anymore, until she's told repeatedly to get the h out of our relationship. But she basically treated him the same way when they were married (i.e. ignored him and took him for granted unless she needed him to do something for her) so I guess she's just so used to it that she assumes he'll always be around to clean up her messes for her. Last night, when BF and I talked, we reaffirmed that before we can get married, the line has to be drawn more firmly so that even his stupid ex can see where not to cross. We're getting there...
Newtothis!
You're on the right track
Newtothis, I have to congratulate you on your actions and reactions - you're one savvy woman. Also, your BF sounds tuned in - not easily manipulated. I completely understand about feeling left out when you see that close relationship between BF & SD. I didn't have a good relationship with my parents either and I think that I was a little jealous and resentful of my DH & SD love for each other. Fortunately I saw where my feelings were coming from and worked on it. Keep that communication going and have fun establishing your family!
Glynne
YEP YEP!
When Dh moved in with me, the only thing I had left that was "mine" were the four walls that surrounded us... got rid of furniture, kitchen ware... my family lives elsewhere... I have my kids... but we both got new jobs, I lost a lot of friends in my divorce... I felt like my entire identity had been tossed away with the garbage! Then we bought our house together and moved all of OUR new stuff in there together. It was such a wonderful cleansing process. We were able to start things NEW for both of us... that was the difference with us though. It was all new for both of us. Not me taking on his life, personal effects etc.
When I wonder if I did the right thing by tossing my past out and moving on, I just remind myself of what BM said to me a few months back. She STILL lives in the apartment that she and DH lived in while they were married and before. SHE had the NERVE to tell me that she didn't want to move out of that house because there were TOO many memories with her and DH. UMMMMMM, yeah, time to move out and move on. I am glad that I made the choices I did. She is due to move in 30 days from that house. I could not be happier. I never have to pull up into the driveway were they returned home after their wedding again. Flush those memories down the ol poop shoot!
I agree!
My take on this is that I do agree with everyone else here- if you feel like you are being engulfed with all of "his stuff" and life it really is time to stand up and jump in with your own ideas, plans decorations, traditions all of that!If you remain quiet then things will not emotionally change for you, but it sounds like you have a wonderful man who wants to make sure you are part of everything.I think it is very hard to begin a realtionship with someone who has kids when you have never had any.People who don't have children and I say this very respectfully because I was in a situation in the past where I felt as you do.But you just don't know what it is like to be a mom/dad until you are one- example- you go to work get a call you have to pick up your sick child- take them to the doctor- coordinate with mom/dad who will take older sis to piano lessons while you stay home and tend to the sick child and prepare for work the next day , and lets not forget the B-day parties and soccer practice and.....what I am saying here is that kids are busy so as parents we are busy, when someone has not been in the role as a parent and you are in a relationship with someone who is you tend to feel like you are standing in the middle of a tornado and no one can see you blowing away-- sounds like he is not letting you "blow away" but sounds like maybe you might be feeling that way??, I know when I was in that situation that is how I felt-- like where do I fit in?? like I said you get off work and are ready to come home and spend time with him he comes home and feeds the dog, most likely calls or talks to his kids for a bit maybe helps them with homework possibly when they come over- I am just guessing--so get invovled-- sounds like you are loved and the kids like you-you/them- Sounds like he has a good handle on the ex so as long as he does don't let her shananagins bother you- I am sure if she knew it bugged you she would throw a party.Get involved with the kids and yes YOU plan some activities/traditions for everyone-- it sounds like a beautiful thing you have stay with it!! It's like learning to ride a bicycle- you have never done it before- it feels a little awkward, it can be hard at times and you may crash a few times-- but once you have the hang of it it is easy riding!! sounds like you are on the right path hang in there!!
Kristilibons
Well said Kristilibons
I think that many of us forget the good times that we have as stepparents. Yes Skids can be a pain in the you know what but there are rewards along the way. I remember the birthday parties, easter egg hunts, halloween parties - SD and I did have many good times before it all went to hell. Maybe I could've done some things better and it is bittersweet to think of newtothis' opportunity. It's good to hear the positive side. Thanks - I think I need to remember the good times and begin to forget and forgive the bad. Glynne