First welcome ... I'm new too, been around for a couple of days.

I guess you and your DH should sit down and talk about how you parent the boys when he isn't around. Make sure he approves of your respective punishments. Maybe talk about some of the issues you encounter and give him examples of how you have handled them.

Then, once you and DH are in agreement, you all shoudl sit down and have a "family meeting" and go over the rules an expectations for the children. You didn't say how old they are, but idf they are old enough to understand what a "contract" means, have them sign one. If not then a simple chart outlining what is expected would be great.

Finally, DH needs to call BM and advise her of what has gone on, the entire process. He also needs to tell her that she has no right complaining to you about it. She needs to learn how to tactfully discuss this matter with you. DH needs to tell BM what the rules and expectations are and discuss them with her. That way she knows what will happen. And he needs to be straight up with her and tell her, "do you really think I'd leave the kids without food and clothing, or with someone who would treat them as you are alleging?"

Bottom line here is the children are manipulating you. Because BM and DH are gone ... there is no one they see that can tell them what to do. So the household needs to come up with the rules, follow them, and neither BP should userp the rules.

Good luck!

~ Katrina

I've had to think about this as well as I am in a similar situation. We don't have custody of SD, only every-other-weekend visitation. Furthermore BM lives less than a mile away. However, she makes claims to her attorney about me which are really serious. So far it hasn't involved DYFS (division of youth and family services) but BM has a bad day and that will be next. So... I have been thinking about ways to protect myself on the weekends that she is here.
My first thought for you would be that you NEED to express to DH that this will seriously affect him too and it MUST be taken very seriously. IF BM were to call authorities and file her ridiculous claims, the FIRST thing that would happen is that you would be evaluated. Its likely that you would be found not guilty, but these groups are notoriously dysfunctional. They f*ck up allllllll the time. What will generally happen is that you would not be permitted to be alone with the children - which would mean DH would have to quit, or custody would transfer to BM.
If your kids are old enough, DH and you should sit down and explain to them that if they say such things, they may have to move to mom's. Now maybe that would be preferable to them?
Another option would be for you to hire an au pair. This may or may not be practical for you. Having someone ELSE care for your kids would protect YOU.
Keep in touch.... Let us know how things go.