Bio Mom took off to England, came back 7 months later and kids blame dad and step mom
Bio mom met a man from england on the internet and up and left her 6 kids and took off to England for 7 months. Dad and I got custody of the kids when mom left. Kids have been treating us like krap for a while now, they think their mom is perfect even though she is the one that walked out on them. I just don't get it, they are not greatful for anything dad and I have done for them. I wish they would just understand that we are doing as much as possible to give them the best home we can. They have freedom, they are treated good and yet they continue on telling us that we are not as good as their mom!!! HOW is this possible, a mom walks out on kids, dad and step mom take them into their home and treat them better then they ever were treated before but yet we are the cause of mom leaving???? I just don't get it. Now mom is back from England and Dad said mom has to get a court order to see them so Mom don't take off to England with his children. Of course they hate us for this and I am so tired of being the bad guy when I came into this relationship with my husband knowing I would be a step mom but had no idea it would ever be this hard. Any advise would be a blessing!!!!
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the children are only nasty
the children are only nasty to you if you let them do that to you. put your foot down and tell them that you will not anymore bad attitude towards you both anymore, that they need to show respect. have consequences if they break your rules. children need consistent guidance and discipline, seems to me that they are running your life...don't let this happen. otherwise all your efforts will all go to waste. don't discuss issues regarding biomom in front of them. keep showing them your love and care even though they might have a bad attitude right now. you can fix their bad attitudes if you put your foot down. take care and hope it will work out.
-happy mom
I hate to say this
But I wouldn't do for children who are going to treat me with that kind of disrespect. My Skids at one time did and I totally disengaged. I stopped doing for them what the BM won't do and what the BF can't do. I just feel it is not my job to do any more than their own parents do. Their attitudes changed quite a bit since they realized that I am the one who does quite a bit for them.
I feel blessed now. My skids are wonderful children and I know they love me. They show it everyday now. My main issues lie with the fact that their BM uses her children as a weapon against us. She hates DH more than she loves her own kids. I have witnessed this for years and don't understand it since she left him for another man and abandoned the children. I have as late decided not to let her get to us. She can only have control if we allow her that control. She can talk and see the children all she wants but she will never control my household.
Been there done that
I too had to remove myself. My SS once forged DH name on progress reports he had received from school (when he was an F student) and if it wasnt for me DH would have never found out. When the other children brought theirs home and he didnt, I knew something was up. Every day I asked him for his progress reports he would come up with a different story, So I called the school and had one of the teachers make copies of the reports. I took them home and called my DH into the bedroom and showed him,he SS into the room fussed at him, and then told him to go put his uniform on for his baseball game. "WHAT!!" I told DH why would you allow him to participate in this baseball game, knowing that one he has all F's, secondly he forged your name on this reports. DH response was that I should spend more time looking for the positive, instead of always looking for the negative. "WHAT!"again I say! On that day I told DH I will never get involved in anything and I didnt want to hear about it either, wether it was good or bad. I did not want to know. Sometime went by and SS started playing Football and the coach was telling DH how well he was doing. When DH brought it to my attention I said "OH" and kept doing what I was doing. DH was Furious, because I did not have a response. I just reminded him I said I dont want to know good or bad.Eventually, I started involving myself again, but I think to myself Why, I damned if I do and I'm damned if I dont.
Am I being selfish?
When you took yourself out of all the situations did it make you feel better? I really just am scared to do this, I feel there must be another way, I don't want to live my life around my family, I want a family. I also feel damned if I do and damned if I don't. I am so confused right now. I don't know what to do, I want answers now and I know that's not possible, I think my biggest problem is when the step kids lived with BM they always talked to us about their problems and looked to my husband and I for help. Now the tables have turned because BM took off and now we are the bad people????? How is this possilbe? Perhaps I feel sad because now I am no longer the person that helps, now I am just the person that is making everyone's life horrible. The kids never told me anything like "your not my mom" or anything like that but their actions speak much louder than words. BM is a horrible mom. She use to take her kids with her to cheat on her husband (which happened about 7 times) and made the kids lie to their step dad. Now BM is home from cheating on her husband yet again from England and he is taking her back because they are married. The kids think this is OK and it's normal??? They think we BD and me are the bad people because we can't forgive her for leaving the kids. It's not that at all, it's the fact that we are scared to death that she will get a bug up her butt again and take off this time with the kids. We can't explain things like this to them because they are too young to understand. I just can't stand being the bad person when I am raising 3 children that are not my own and having no appreciation. Am I being selfish?
No you are not being selfish
You took in 6 kids that were abandoned by their BM. She's been gone all this time and hasnt cared more or less about whats going on with her own children. You in my opinion are a god sent. For some reason, and I havent been able to put my finger on it, children can over look a horrible mother. Maybe its the maternal connection I dont know. I know if it was me, I would appreciate the one that is there taking care of me. I also feel the you and DH know whats best for these kids. They are living in a world with BM that dosnt even exist.I personally would not let them have anything to do with her. BM's that are mentally unstable have the tendency to rub these unstable ways onto the children. Because my DH compromised with BM instead of continuing with the full custody case he allowed her to continue to mentally mess these kids up more. Maybe if he would have taken them away early on they wouldnt be so messed up. I dont know. But I do know I am a good person, a good mother and I have always tried to be fair. But if they dont see that, that's on them. Removing myself helped a little bit because it gave DH an oppertunity to see that I was there for the good and the bad. It send a loud message to him and his kids.But as I said Ive slowly gotten back to attending events, but am considering another walk out especially after the way I was treated on mothers Day. That's why I say Damned if I do, Damned if I dont. Stay strong I know its hard. You all are doing the right thing. She dosnt care about them.
I feel your pain!
I am in somewhat of a similar situation. My SS18 and SD15 were always treated poorly by BB. When they were about 9 or so, My DH took her to court for full custody a few years ago but decided that he would compromise with her because that was their BM. I told him he was Crazy! "SHE IS CRAZY TOO!"He didnt listen she was getting $600 a month in CS. NoNe of which was going to these children. They spent most if not all their time at our house. We had to buy their clothes, shoes, underwear,Coats(SHE WOULD LET THEM FREEZE!) deoderant, lotion, everything. Plus when school started she would not even buy them so much as a pencil, we were resposible for that too. Then when she saw that they were getting older and didnt listen to her, she told DH to have papers drawn up and she would give him full custody. He did and she did! They only hear from her maybe twice or three times a year. She still dosnt buy them anything. But these children think that she is a God Sent. And I just dont get it. My DH tells me that their BM. But it just burns me up that they already know what she is capable of and still act like she's the perfect Mommy?!? "WTF!" I have been here struggling, cooking freezing my butt off (She never attends) and have pretty much raised them and she get's all the respect and acknolegement. For mothers day they walked right past me said nothing went to the BB house and later I found out from a co-worker that they went out to dinner! "WHAT!" I just dont get it. And did I mention they hate my guts.
I am so glad to hear I am not alone
Thank you for your comment, I truly started believing I was the only one that went through this krap. Last night I decided to take a "my" day and not cook super, not do ANYTHING!!! It was nice but then my SD told her BF that she needed a phone card for her cell phone, he said you have to pay it back and she said OK not a problem, then he was going to get a shower and take her to the store for the card. She TOLD him that she wants to go now, he can shower later and HE DID as she said!!! This pisses me off when she walks all over him and he lets her, then him and I get into it and meanwhile she thinks she can treat everyone like this. I want to put my foot down and everytime I do they continue walking all over him. I am about to tell them all to have a good life because I'm outta there. I wish I didn't feel like this but I am so tire of working, cooking, cleaning, clothing these kids which aren't even my own and not a damn bit of appreciation or respect. BM is everything but yet she is the one that walked out on them. This sucks!!!!!!
OMG!!!
I am so with you there. My SD17 BM gets 300.00 mo for her only. She did not want the CS to be in the courts, because she didn't want it to be income that would interfear with her disability money! Whenever she comes to see us, she is always complaining that she doesn't have any shoes with-out holes in them, she doesn't have any bra's that fit her anymore etc.... She even came down at the beginning of winter and said that they didn't have the money to buy her a new coat, so we had to buy her a new coat, gloves, hat the whole deal. What does she do with the $$.. That was one reason (SD won't admit to it) that she went back to live with her mother. They couldn't afford to live without our CS! I just don't get it. All I know is that May of 08, that is one more bill we don't have to pay anymore!!!!
At the Age of 17
I worked and bought my own clothes. My parents didn't do this. All they paid for was the living expenses. I have the best parents ever. That taught me responsibility and taught me how to be independent. I think at that point that SD needs to learn how to do for herself. BM has had the $300.00 per month to help pay for the roof over SD's head, food, utilities. Now she needs to look her own daughter to help share those responsibilities now that she is turning 18. It is not BF's problem anymore. SD is not a child. I told my own bchildren when they turned 18 to either go to college and work, or get a fulltime job and pay rent. They are both very independent and successful in life. I am proud of myself for raising such great sons.
Perspective
I think a lot changes depending upon one's perspective. When today's ungrateful stepchildren grow up, get married and have a houseful of little hellions of their own - or better yet, if they marry someone who already has children - they will realize how much we did for them. They may never tell us, they may never say thank you or act appreciative, they may always hate us, but they will someday realize how wrong they were. I know that doesn't make it right or provide much solace, but I do believe we'll get the last laugh!
~ Anne ~
"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission."
-Eleanor Roosevelt
Still feeling your pain
I meant to say that I freeze my butt off attending SS football games and SD softball games. I said she never attends, let me correct myself. SD will call and harass the crap out of her, so she has attended two softball games in the past two years, which she left early. And she will show up with a really corny gift and SD just falls all over her. It is so pathetic. Now heres the icing on the cake.... she never had any maternal feelings towards SS. But lately he is getting noticed by college recruits. So guess who all of a sudden wants to call and go out to lunch. That's right BB! He was and F student and I stayed on top of him and now he is doing well in school and will graduate soon. And back in the day I told DH she will see how well he's doing and I bet my last dollar she will jumping on the band wagaon and try to look like the most wonderful mother you have ever seen. I called that one right! What burns me up is the kids act like I have never done anyhting for them, they hate me and they act like she has always taken care of them, and she hasnt and they just eat her up!"WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?"
Step parents
It was interesting reading alot of the comments but what shocks me is the amount of step parents that say well these kids arent mine, Hello quit your belly aching, you are not the moon and stars to the step children, you are a step parent and start acting like one, be a support to your spouse and realize that his or her children may never like you, even if you jump through hoops. Your job is to step back and be the listener not the wicked steparent, try to assist them in their journey in life and remember children all grow up, do not resent them for being less lovable, embrace them as humans not as a the exs kids and remember children can figure out who is honest and who is playing the game. Be patient even when the house is falling apart, remember they never asked for their parents to divorce and meet a new parent and they need time, if they bug you knock off the pity party they are kids and you are the adult try to understand instead of looking for something to complain about and then maybe they will trust you and get to know you in a new light.
My SKIDS Love and Trust Me
HELLO in most of the situations on this site the BM's are the ones not doing their part as a mother and dumping it all on us. They are the ones bellyaching when they can't have thier way filling the children's heads with all kinds of hate due to their own insecurities. These kids aren't mine comments come up when we are putting all of our time, love, and money into children and not get any appreciation back. When you are banging your head against a brick wall you eventually will say "ouch that hurts" and stop. In our case it is realizing that these are not our children and we stop doing things that don't get appreciated. I do things for my SKIDS because I want to not because I am expected to. The BM's are the ones who use the court system to get their way terrorizing our households just because they don't have control of everything. I am the queen bee in my house no BB is ever going to run it.
You don't live in my household. I AM the stars and moon to my SKIDS not a second class citizen like you are inferring. Why??? Because BM abandoned them and I am doing the job of their mother. They trust me with everything they have. They wait at the door (doing a pee pee dance) for me everynight ready to give me a big huge hug and kiss. They tell me everyday they missed me. BM is jealous of this and is trying to take that away any happiness we have in our house to no avail. I know EXACTLY what my responsibilites are. I don't need anyone to tell me that. I raised my 2 oldest children by myself and they turned out to be honorable men. The BM we are dealing with has 6 children in which she NEVER saw one graduation or even finished raising herself. She just took off to another country The fathers of the children and the Step Mothers raised them. She was just the egg donor.
Until you can walk in our shoes as a step mother and take the abuse we get from the children (due to the BM) and BM's don't judge us. This site was built so we can vent with other people in our same situations. The ladies I have come to know on this site are wonderful women that are taking a lot of abuse in thier own homes.
I Agree With Part Of That
I agree you can be the better, stable one but for the most part no matter how bad the bm is, she is the mother. For the thread starter, let them see the mom but go to court and get the visitation or custody or what have you. Meantime both of you need to talk to her to find out her plans, and at least try to work out a schedule so the children can see her. It is pretty rotten that she took off, and the courts will most likely weigh all that, but as long as she is not a danger to the children or abusive, you cannot keep her from them.
On paper a step parent usually has little rights, but in reality the stepmom is the one that often does the most. We chose not to have a lot of communication, but stuck to the court ordered visitation and we coparented and the bm parented herself or with her current partner. The most valuable lesson we learned was that in most cases the two ex's cannot Co anything. This board reinforces that.
You just need to make sure the children see the bm, not talk bad about her but also understand you don't have to allow her into your life. If you can do those things, it can work pretty well. But too many people get caught up in the he said she said, and start playing those childish games. This board is filled with all that, and I especially love the ongoing court mongers as I call them. Let the kids see the bm, and let her be accountable.
The Kids See Their Mother
Every summer they travel all the way around the world to see their mom. She abandoned all of her children and ran off to another country. Every summer the BM makes sure she does not follow the court order and give DH the court ordered documents that were set up to prevent her from kidnapping the children. Last year was one issue this year was another and I am sure next year will be yet another. She is the one who makes it hard on herself to see the children. All DH ever asked for is what the Judge required BM to do to get to see the children. You have no idea the stress we go through. One year she didn't even tell DH that she didn't want to take the kids and we were left without daycare for the kids for the entire summer. The daycare had filled up. She did this out of pure spite!!! Last summer she dropped tickets at the last minute and demanded that DH who just had surgery take the kids to the airport 21/2 hours away from where we live!!!! She knew she intended to take the kids last year months before she gave DH the tickets. I have documentation to that fact. Because of this DH ended up taking BM back to court to get a deadline so she won't have control of our summers and do the children the way she did that year. We are through with her BS. The kids are well taken care of and there is no need for the games she plays. As far as being abusive the last time the children saw their mother she got drunk in front of them on several occasions. I am not talking a couple of drinks. The children said she was out cold and her husband who also drank drove with the children in the car. I think DH and I have been more than reasonable dealing with the nut case. The BM bad mouths us to the kids and that upsets them because they know we are the one that does for them. How can you coparent with someone so unstable and lives around the world. Coparenting in her mind is making her demands while sitting at her pool from around the world. Sorry not going to happen. What totally annoys me is that these 3 kids are made by the court to travel around the world by themselves without any Supervision but the airlines unaccompanied service. I think this is putting the children in danger every year and we don't have the money to supervise them ourselves. I think this is selfish of the BM to do this to her kids. The kids HATE that trip. She should have been made to come to the states for visitation. That is my opinion but we do put them on that plane every year per the court order.
I totally understand!!!
My SD17 does the same crap with us. We do not have custody of her, but she was staying with us for a few months at the beginning of this year. She wouldn't even talk to us, she would sit in her room and talk on the phone to her BF, but when whe was on the phone with her mom, she would sit out on the couch so we could hear what she was saying. Her mom is bipolar and has tried to kill herself on 2 different occasions. Her Step-Dad has "explosive disorder" which is a nice term for "he can't hold his temper for anything". They have 3 kids total and live in a 2 bdrm trailer that has a leaky ceiling. Her mom drinks on top of her bipolar medication, so she feels that she has to be there to take care of her mom! Her step-dad verbally abuses her. Telling her that she is the reason that step-dad and bio mom don't get along so on and so forth. Her mom is everything and me and her dad are nothing, and she would rather live with them and have nothing then to live with us and have a loving, normal, non-fighting home environment. I don't get it either...I am totally feeling your pain!