You are here

Be the mom .....but wait now you are just a SM

Shopaholic's picture

Submitted by Shopaholic on Mon, 10/29/2007 - 3:03pm

Has anyone ever had this problem where you are put in the position where DH and Skids are looking at you like do something you are the mom, and for a while you take on the role and then all of a sudden you are at fault and skids are like you are not our mom you are just the SM and DH is saying the same thing, so what do you do? Do you become the heartless SM? or do you just keep getting pushed and pulled?

Comments

Colorado Girl's picture

Submitted by Colorado Girl on Mon, 10/29/2007 - 3:11pm

Shop, you need a vacation. Somewhere sunny and relaxing. And a nice tall cocktail. With an umbrella. And a straw. Wink

Shopaholic's picture

Submitted by Shopaholic on Mon, 10/29/2007 - 3:58pm

but I just came back from vacation, and believe it or not, I have already been looking in to my next vacation Smile

just some days are worse then others I guess.

Step Mom-in-law's picture

Submitted by Step Mom-in-law on Mon, 10/29/2007 - 3:30pm

When My Hub and I met and decided we'd marry, I was told by his family that If I was going to be my SS's SM I'd better act like it. Okay, so when I would catch him doing naughty things or getting out of control, I would verbally correct him. (We also had alot of fun together, but the moment I stopped being fun...) So soon after being told to be the "mom" My mother in law informed me right in front of my ss that he knew he was allowed to do whatever he wanted to at Grandma's house. Well that was his "ahah!" }:) moment. That was 20 years ago, and that comment set the tone for our whole relationship. I would get alot of "you're not the boss of me!" You're not my Mom" and my favorite "I'm going to tell Grandma on you!" While none of these comments kept me from getting my subsequent point across, it was always a battle from the beginning. Sadly,the battle, although more subdued now, still rages on.

Shopaholic's picture

Submitted by Shopaholic on Mon, 10/29/2007 - 4:01pm

discipline is a big problem for me to, DH says well if you have a problem with it fix it, it is your house too, so I do but then BM catches wind and freaks out of course DH stands up for me at that point but doesn't help the situation over all

A L Cannuck's picture

Submitted by A L Cannuck (not verified) on Mon, 10/29/2007 - 4:05pm

but someone's gotta do it right???? I will admit with all the years of the crappy comments...ie/ your not his real mom it only takes one ie/ss16 telling me this summer over all I am the best cook in his family or ss8 bragging to everyone about me being a great stepmom cause i am the only one who could teach him how to ride a bike Those are the times that melt these terrible times away dear!

Persephone's picture

Submitted by Persephone on Mon, 10/29/2007 - 4:08pm

Is a term I picked up on this site last year. I wish I could give proper credit, the term helped me a lot!!

I would get the "YOU ARE NOT MY MOM", I replied with correct and I am not your step-other either. The look? Priceless. I do not hear that one anymore!!!

goingcrazy's picture

Submitted by goingcrazy on Tue, 10/30/2007 - 10:54am

I made it very clear when I went through that stage of the step parenting... When you are with me I AM THE MOM! I may not have given birth to you. But I am here with you right now. I am the only mom in this house, therefore the respect that the bil kids give will also be expected from Skids. Period. And I expect my daughter to treat her stepfather the same way. When you are told that you are not the mom (which I used to get all the time)... I would just say, yes, I am A mom. I am THE mom here with you right now. I am the mom that loves you unconditionally when you are here or with your other mom. But in my household, there are no steps except the ones to the second story. You are my daughter and you will respect me as your mother. I do not ask you to love me more or less than the mom who had you. But I ask for the same respect that you give her.

The first time I put it to her this way, she was shocked. It took several more times but now I am Mommy. I have not heard those awful words in quite some time.

They say those words out of hurt they feel inside. The way mt SD's therapist explained it is that we as stepmoms tend to get the grunt of the hatefullness because we ARE the mother figure. And the children usually DO want to love us, but fear the BM disapproving. These kids really don't hate us. I think that assuming a small child can actually hate is sad. It is just misplaced anger. So when I do have to hear ugly comments, I just reply that I am sorry she feels that way, but I still love her.

Dont let it consume you. Take a step back a breathe. And be sure that DH is supporting you in the respect area from his kids.