Another chance for sd I dislike?
I feel like a horrible, horrible person but I wish to never, ever see my husband's bd again! I have 2 children, 8 & 11 a& his bd is 8. She is rude, manipulative, devious and lies like no other! I have ended my relationship because I do not trust to be in the same room with for fear of what she will come up with next. She has lied about bd 'beating her up'. She finally admitted she lied. She's made lies about bs and finally admitted to it. Same with me. I've told my ex that, as much as I love him, I dislike her as much and will not put myself or my children in the situation of something more severe happening. All she has to do is make up one of her stories and tell her teacher or another parent and then my children are put into foster care, I'm questioned and only once they find out she's lying, will my children come home. Believe me, she's made up other stories about other people in the past.
Am I right to stand my ground or does she deserve yet another chance? My ex feels that I should give her another chance but I feel she's had 4 years of chances and enough is enough. He says I am the adult and should act like it. I feel like I am acting like it.....I am being responsible and protective of my children and myself.
There are a whole lot of other things that have happened in our time together but this is where I'm at now.
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Yes and no
Yes and No...you deserve to be mad and are understandably feeling the way you do. I have gone through so much with my SD too. She's very manipulative and plays games, lies, makes things up, etc. We've had her in numerous counseling sessions with different counselors, and she makes up a new story each time. It's horrific, and I am sorry you have to deal with that.
Yes, you should protect yourself and your children from lies and false allegations. But, as much as you might not like hearing it, she is only a child. She is lost and is only acting in a way which she is allowed to get away with. She is also only acting in a way in which she has learned from someone...probably BM?
So, she does deserve another chance. She is a kid and doesn't fully understand the ramifications of what she does. But, you also have a right to see her actions for what they are - WRONG! You and your husband need to help her to the best of your ability. If you two both give it your all 100%, you should see how it turns out. If your SD still gets worse, then you may have to face the reality that you can't change her, even as a unified team. But, you might just make the difference too.
It isn't her fault that she is going through the mess she is, but it does not excuse her behavior. I just can't see an 8yo truly comprehending the long term effects or the incredible mess she is making by acting this way. Stand your ground, and never ever allow yourself to be disrespected. No person deserves that, especially you, who is living with her and helping raise her.
However, try, as hard as it is, to have you and your husband take those feelings of intense upset and your feelings of frustration, and turn those feelings into motivation to try your best to change your SD for the better. It gives her a shot in life to be a normal and unhated human being, and it will only make your marriage, your kids' lives, and your life better, too. At least that way, no matter what ultimately happens, you can say that you gave it your all. That way you don't leave with regrets or say "what if".
Please know that I understand and can relate...so well! Feel free to message me or share your frustrations, even if you just need to vent. Anytime, I am here. Take care and I hope things get better.
Thank you very much for your
Thank you very much for your response. I really do appreciate what you are saying. What I initially wrote was just a small sampling of the issues that we have had to deal with but the most serious as far as I am concerned (lying). Believe me when I say I have tried and tried and tried to 'fix' this. As I said before, I have two kids of my own and am trying to raise them to be polite, caring, respectful individuals. As far as I am concerned (you may or may not agree), I have certain expectations of children in my home and I don't feel these expectations are unrealistic. Whether she is here one day or 100 days, the same expectations are placed on her. I believe that there should always be manners...she has none and I have been trying to teach her the basic please and thank you for 4 years now. I believe that you need to teach your children to share....she refuses to share her things but throws a hissy fit if the other kids don't share with her then manipulate them into sharing with her. Her bf doesn't consciously support this behaviour but he refuses to see these situations for what they are until it's all over. So, in a roundabout way, he lets her get away with it. I believe that you always speak to each other respectfully....she constantly demands and orders people around. I have searched the internet over and over and over again for information, I have brought books home from the library, I have sought out counselling individually and as a couple (her mom refuses to do counselling with us and refuses to let bd go with us). She lies over whether she brushed her teeth to saying so and so hit her and saying so and so stole this or that from her. She has lied since the day I met her and it continues to get worse. I understand when you say she is just a child but I don't completely agree that she is not aware of 'some' of the things she has done. I've overheard her with the other kids (she didn't know I was outside the room) and believe me when I say that she is well aware of what ramifications some of her actions have....and deliberately goes ahead with it. I've had talks after talk after talk with her and tried to get us to the point where we can be okay with each other. The last time I spoke with her, I asked her why she had no problems at her bm's bf's and she always had problems at our place and can we not just try harder to get along and her response was that she didn't want to. She looked me in the eye and said she didn't want to. I left it alone for a few minutes then tried to ask her again, in a different way. She told me again she didn't want to. Our friends even have comments about her behaviour. Quite often I get 'the look' from them and she's not even my kid! Her bd has a lot of guilt for not being there daily which is why he lets her get away with everything! He tends to not see things until the situation os over, then he will say that he should have done this or should have dealt with it that way, etc. The way I see it, I have my own kids to raise and I need to rais them the best I can. It got to the point where my kids didn't want her coming over any more. These are young kids who are quite forgiving and they started to not like her. They see how she is allowed to chew with her mouth open, she doesn't have to share, she can cry to get her own way, she can be rude, she can whine to stay up later, she can decide when we are on a family outing that if she's had enough then we all have to pack up and go home, she can lie and have no consequences, she is allowed to be disrespectful, she is allowed to argue the rules of the house and change the rules to suit her, she is allowed to say what she wants about whomever she wants whether it is the truth or not and in the end, it always comes down to her just being a little girl who knows no different. To be frank, I don't want my children feeling that this behaviour is acceptable. I call her on her behaviour each and every time and it always turns into a fight, either between her and I or her bf and I. Apparently after 4 years she is still adjusting. I dont' agree and neither did the counsellor. As for the lying, I don't trust her...period. I'm scared of the position she could potentially put me in. As I said before, she's made 2 very serious lies of this nature before (along with a ton of other lies) and I truly feel she has the ability to do it again. I agree that lying is a learned behaviour and she got it from somewhere but after 4 years, enough is enough. She has the ability to do some real damage........
I guess in the end, for me, I feel that I am putting myself and my children into a potentially harmful situation and if I do that, then I am not being a good parent to my children. My job is to protect them correct? How am I protecting them if I knowingly put them back into that situation? What do I say to them if she does it again and this time it turns out worse? And when is enough enough?
mine is 7
and nearly as bad. We've had her in counseling regarding lying, stealing and manipulating anything she can. I've been her SM for going on 3 years. My DH also has a 10 yo D and I have 2 younger BD. I completely agree that my job is to create nice adults with manners who can function in normal society. My job is not to be popular and probably the biggest difference between me and my DH, is that I don't care if SD doesn't like it, she can leave and she'll be worse off because of it.
I know how you feel when you're conflicted between your own kids, SK and spouse. In the last 3 days, when the girls came back to our house, the DS has FREAKED out about a sweater that was handed down to my daughter, threw a fit about her older sister wearing her socks, took my NEW cell phone book without asking and completely threw a fit when I took it back and lies about everything when questioned. Its really like she makes up her own reality in her head to suit her. She literally shouts, whines and screams all the time- her manners are atrocious. This is made worse with the 50% of time she spends with her BM, who is just like her.
My 5 yo daughter takes the brunt of this and I feel awful about it. She's a very laid back, even keel sort of person and my SD is the polar opposite sort of person. DH scolded ME this morning for taking MY cell phone book back ("she's just excited about your phone") and allowed SD go to into my kids room and take a dress back that she claims should always be hers (even though she's been told not to take things from others and she never wore the dress in the first place) I have no doubt that I will need to lock up my own closet in the coming years and I don't trust her one bit.
Your job is to protect your kids and your family, in whatever way that makes sense. What makes it more difficult is if your DH isn't backing you up, so the problem lies between you 2 also. Sounds like you have a counseler involved and that's a good step, but only you can decide when enough is enough.
Trust
This is my SD as well. Our first Christmas together she bought my (now 10 yr old) son a present. It was a bank. Then when she got anxious or angry she would take it from my son's room and hide it in hers. This went on for over a year. Finally I started asking her if she had it. I would already have seen it in her drawers when I put clothes away. She would say, "Nope." Then I would say, "That's funny, b/c it's in your dresser. Go put it back." I would ask her time and time again why she did stuff like this, but all she would do was shrug and mumble, "I don't know."
Same with binge eating/hording food, begging neighbors to feed her b/c we "don't let her eat." She and her friend across the street even had a list of neighbors who they could "mooch" food off of.
Yesterday SD's best friend's mom stopped by (they live two houses down.) We talked FOREVER. I let her know that I do know that SD tells people I'm mean and hate her. She seemed relieved b/c SD complains about me all the time. But her friend's mom and I have also become friends (they're a blended family too and moved in over the summer. So she let me know that she will allow my SD to "confide" in her, but keep me informed. She also pointed out several disturbing things SD does that's she's noticed like hanging onto people hugging and kissing them all the time,laughing hysterically at herself, obsessing about how to get boys to buy her presents, etc. It was nice to have an unbiased adult tell me I'm not crazy!
Also, she told me that her daughter gets annoyed with some of the behavior and calls SD on it. I told my friend that was great b/c I know her peers have a bigger influence than we parents do right now so maybe it will help.
Good luck. I wish I had better advice, but I struggle with this one myself daily.
Last night DH got on the computer to close it down and asked if I was in our financial info folder. Nope. So SD was snooping in our files on the computer. You have to go through several other files to even get to that one.
Ugh.
Peace, love, and red wine
Thank you soooo much to
Thank you soooo much to everyone who has responded and gave me their thoughts. It is so comforting to know that I am not the only one out there dealing with these sorts of problems. When you yourself have children and go into a relationship with someone who also has children, you tend to think fairytale....we'll be one big happy family. I truly thought this for the longest time. I've come to realize that this is not necessarily the case. Personally, I do feel as though I have tried....and tried very hard. I guess I feel that I'm fighting a losing battle. My own children have suffered and it's time for me to put them first again. This is all very hard on them. They love their stepsister but at the same time, they don't like what kind of a person she is. They love their stepdad and miss him very much. They're kids and they don't understand the complexity of the situation. And I feel like the mother bear, protecting my young at all costs.
I suppose I just don't have the energy to deal with sd anymore. She is what she is. After 4 years, her bm and bf are finally starting to see that maybe I wasn't so bad, maybe what I wanted from her would only make her a better person but too much has happened now, too much fighting, too much crying, too much resentment.
Thank you everyone for your support and understanding. I'm sad that my marriage is ending but feel I've made the right decision. As much as I don't like my sd, I really do hope that she turns out okay in the end.....I just can't help with that anymore.
Zelda and the rest of you...
I think you guys are saints for putting up with the crap for so long and not wanting to pitch these unruly children under a moving bus! Even worse, having to put up with the DH's and BF's who consistently let their children get away with this behavior!
I'm on the outside looking in and because I have never had the experiences that you are all going through, I could ignorantly say, "well you're not trying hard enough". That would be a slap in the face to you. I won't ever say that to any of you. It's obvious that you have gone above and beyond to no avail. I just wish I had the answer in a magic bullet that would end all the nonsense you are going through. I can offer many ((((HUGS)))) though and tell you that YOU ARE NOT CRAZY! You are all in my prayers.
MamaJenn24
You are strong!
You are strong! Your ability to share and vent are good. Your ability to see your SD for who she is and what she is will be the only way for her to ever change. It's sooo hard to work without the help of your husband/DH. I know how challenging that is, and how frustrating! Your additional details are helpful for me to understand where you are coming from. Sometimes I feel like I am pulling my hair out trying to help my SD turn in to a respectable human being. It's just always hard to help other people see your point of view that don't know the situation or what its like to be you. I know that feeling. My SD is very manipulative and all I ever hear, is how wrong I am for giving up on a child. God knows what we go through!
But yes, I agree that if your SD is a bad influence for your kids, you do need to stand up and have something done about that. It should not hurt or affect your children in a negative way. I'm personally worried about that too. My DH wants to have kids now and I'm afraid of the negative influence, jealousy, acting out, etc. that my SD and her BM will cause to ruin this innocent child's life. Wow, what a mess.
Thank you for sharing though. I guess you can only do so much without DH doing the bulk of the discipline and handling your SD with the tough love she needs. Sorry that you have to go through this. I guess the best thing I can offer is support and encouragement. I know how hard it can get, and wish you the best. If I can ever help, or if you need to vent, contact me anytime. Take care!