Sounds like this book should be a placed in some of our DH's X-mas stocking this year.

I agree with vickiemac "cross town bus" ,,I have read the above information before,,,belive me I have researched.. And even all these Disney movies have made it hard for Step-moms---Like Cinderalla,,the wicked stepmom and evil stepdaughters...Children grew up watching this,,,and we ourselves even liked it,, But once your in that position, it isnt so cute anymore...

Thank goodness I didn't see that stuff 11 years ago!! I would have missed out on the most wonderful guy in the world (to me he is anyway! and three wonderful step kids that I have a great relationship with.

How much of this can be blamed on the BM? I mean we can blame society all we want and Disney, whoever causes our children to have this perception of stepmothers. But if you have a BM that is encouraging a relationship with their stepmother along with their dad - we wouldn't be so "evil". If BMs could tell their kids that we all deserve to be happy and that BM and DH together can't make each other happy, (regardless of who is the cause of the unhappiness)and we have to all move on - separate but still happy. A little cooperation would be so helpful to these stepkids to NOT have a negative outlook on these new relationships.

I agree with vickiemac and sunshine to - only I would like to throw BM in front of the "cross town bus". Just kidding....

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."

But in my SD13 and DH's case, they are apparently just gonna fake it with me until I break Great eh??
Dawn

Wish you did not post this research! Very depressing and not one encouraging statement. We married men with children, right? let's make the most of it and work on creating positive relationships!!!

I wish I could find it, that said the BM's attitude about the situation is the No. 1 factor in how well skids adapt. In other words, if BM is resistant, you're in trouble. I think we have heard before from step moms who have good relationships with BMs, and that seems to make all the difference.

Ok I am writing because we have dated for 2 1\2 yrs and have talked about getting married. I just can't connect with the kids and it bothers me... It doesn't help that one of my character defects is acceptance from others...

I think the BM theory is very valid. In my experience, the BM was at best, peripheral in our lives. The skids spoke on the phone with her, they visited her on occassion (once every 3 months or so), and she didn't speak to DH or me at all. She just wasn't an influential person in our daily lives. So our turmoil was rarely about how the BM acted, which is a Godsend.

But you know what, despite the sometime mother she has always been, the skids love their mother. And at every opportunity, even after 11 years with my DH and skids, they will find fault with me or at least how I influence their dad's decisions...and vilify me.

SO...I think the step-mother demonization comes from the basic human need to love your mother. If you love your mother, how can you really love another mom-figure-thing without betraying your basic need to love your mother?

Let's face it. Moms can do some pretty outrageous and even damaging things to their kids and yet the kids will still hold onto the love they have for her and nurture their image of her. Dads, not so much; they get demonized and autracized way too easily in my book.

Maybe this is simplifying it way too much, but regardless I know in my skids opinion the BM walks on water and I...well...don't. I ran the water, and filled the bath, and washed the kids, and washed the dishes and washed the laundry. So I had plenty of opportunity to walk on water, but just couldn't quite get there. Probably too busy, up to my neck in water.

here here, I like my sons' stepmom she is a good person BETTER than their dad.
she and I get along very well.
so it is possible to be civil with the BM and the step mom but ALL parties have to be on board in order for it to work.
I do not have a problem with FH having a open line of communication with BM as long as she keeps it to point and not drag out old marital issues.

"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."

its not always the stepmoms though, who arent willing to put their own egos aside in the best interests of the children...as most of us see, often its the BMs. and thats all i'll say about that.

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin

xyz...i respectfully read your post....however...

I challenge you to name me a time when a child needs to be solely with his parents...is that when he needs to be bailed out of jail..or is getting DNA testing...tell me when? Because, as I see it, if a BF has remarried, that woman, his wife, is a part of his whole life, and by extension his child's life...so you name me a time when the Step should be excluded.

Your theory of the BM relationship with BF being solely regarding parenting is bull. I challenge anyone here to name a BM who doesn't, in some way, interfere with their ex's new lives. Its never just about the kids. Its always about BM's need to still feel wanted, loved, secure...because at one time she got that from BF.

oh...one more thing

you wrote: "stepmother" (a word I think should be banned as it completely misconstrues the role).

What do you mean by that? Do you mean to say that the word Stepmother is misconstrued because it implies "mother"?

Please explain.

I am not sure how I feel about the last posts. I can understand some points but not others.
I think the BM in our situation would like us all to get along and share holidays/events together. The reality is that our BM is a controlling, dominant person and according to FH she has always been this way. It is her way or no way. We would have to accomodate her demands in order to have holidays/events together. She lacks consideration and cooperation skills so I do not think this will ever work.
Coparenting? The definition of coparenting should include working together. The BM in our situation makes decision and when FH doesn't just go along with what she decides than it is because he is choosing my side. That is not the case, he has a right to disagree with what she does.
BM and FH having a relationship together? Yes, as in both being parents to the children they share. It does not involve her questioning him about our relationship together or sharing details about her personal relationship/life as though they are good friends. At first, FH was friends with his ex and I respected that. But, after she started lying about details regarding the kids, being inconsiderate with parenting time and making poor decisions that affect the kids safety, he could no longer be friends with her. He communicates with her because he shares children with her. I think some BMs miss the intimate friendship that they had when they were married, but that is the unfortunate thing that results from a divorce.
BM and FH attend things together and I encourage that. I want him to have a good relationship with her. It would make our lives so much easier if we could all be adults and do what is best for the kids. But, she wants him to be her BFF. Not only that but the kids are HER kids so we have no right to tell HER how to do things. But, she has every right to judge us and tell us how to do things with the kids. FH offers to meet her to discuss parenting issues (just them alone), parent/teacher conferences, counseling appts. with SS9. And she refuses, she is so consumed with hatred towards me and him. She doesn't even want him to step foot on her porch or pull into her driveway because the sight of him "make her sick". This is her doing, not ours.
So it would be nice to be able to share the holidays like one big happy family but the reality is that the children live in two separate homes and have two different lives. At one point, they were one big happy family but now they have two families that both love them. It's not their fault and I cannot imagine what they go through and I worry how this will affect them later on in life.
We do the best we can with the kids given the situation. We don't play into her games or bad mouth her. We take the high road and hope that the kids will appreciate all that we do to try to maintain some peace with the BM.

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

don't surprise me. Not at all. Of course, even had I read it before we married, it would probably have been a case of-well, that's not gonna happen to me. Geez.

To be honest, tho, I don't think BM plays a part in my conflict with SD17. Yes, sometimes she calls H, or he calls her-and I'm clueless about it. He keeps it all so secret from me-like their decision to have SD13 live with me-without even discussing it with me. We had a hell of row over that one. But, most of the time I'm so tense and stressed over the H's relationship with SD17 that I pay very little, if any attention to his relationship with his ex.

I believe my problems with SD17 stem directly from her father treating her as tho she is above everyone else-in everything. I place the blame for her spoiled, entitled attitude squarely where it belongs-on him.

Right now, H is off treating his precious SD17 to the amusement park. took her to lunch at Red Lobster. Tomorrow, he'll be taking her to the mall. So, I called SD13 just to wish her a Happy Halloween, tell her I love her. I feel so bad about it all-SD13 watching her father shower her older sister with everything, while she watches from the sidelines. And is a verbal punching bag to SD17. Sad, Sad, Sad. And so very wrong.

I don't think this is accurate at all (the stats in the original post) and I wonder where they are getting their information? I certainly have never been asked about my step-mothering experience or been involved in any studies and I don't know anyone who has.

My take on this is that step-mothers are way more common than step-fathers and it's true that society has horrible expectations from SMs and SDs are easier off. If there were equal numbers of SMs and SDs than the stats would be more accurate.

I also think that BMs are a HUGE part of the problem. My step-mothering experience would have been (and would be) far better and easier if BM hadn't been in the picture or if she had not been a complete psycho. Not only has she been obsessed with me and used her kids to try to get to me, but she is also a horrible mother on her own. I was reading an article this past week about Zoo animals or animals in captivity and how they tend to be awful mothers (even killing or crushing their young) because they never learned how to parent from their own parents. Most zoo babies have to be bottle fed and bond with their keepers rather than their mothers and the cycle continues... My BM fits this to a tee even though she is, technically, human. She had a horrible, abusive and neglectful mother and her dad was not in the picture. Her mom was (and is) crazy and alternated from cloying affection to drunken, screaming rants. She left her kids alone for days at a time and I don't know how Social Services weren't called. She had no one to teach her how to be a good person or even how to take care of herself. If BM hadn't turned out to be a psycho witch, I would feel really sorry for her, but she has actually made the grown-up choice to be a sociopathic liar, a stalker, a slut and a massively horrible mother after being exposed to free counseling, parenting classes, psychology classes, and tons of other resources. She knows that what she does is wrong and has bouts of guilt where she tries to kiss up to H and I in some pathetic attempt to get forgiveness without having to ask for it. Anyway, she didn't have a mother who mothered her properly (to say the least) and so I think that, like the zoo animals, she literally doesn't know how to. This is unique to my experience and there is a huge variety of BMs, but Borderline Personality Disorder seems to be rampant as well as BMs who are bitter, angry, jealous and hateful because they were rejected or forced into single motherhood against their will. Even BMs who left our H's seem to have major issues. I really think that if we had BMs who were happy in their own lives and moved on from the past, it would make step-mothering a whole different game. Mine and many others BMs are awful mothers to the kids that they profess to love and this also causes a huge problem. My H and I work very hard to create a happy, healthy and stable home for the kids and raise them with love, structure, fun and discipline, but we are constantly fighting against a BM who feeds them nothing but junk food and sugar, doesn't make them do homework, doesn't have a routine or structure, lets them play endless video games and who exposes them to shady people (including creepy boyfriends). She messes with their heads, tries to poison them against their own father (and me) and scares and upsets them with her chaotic life and lack of stability. Obviously, this makes parenting a lot harder and as a SM, I don't even have the intense bond of love that Bio parents have. My H loves them intensely because he was there at the births and bonded with them, but I didn't and so I have had to grow to care for them, but won't ever feel that intense love in the same way. Parenting without a crazy BM, or at least with a BM that was normal, polite and a good mother would be much easier. It seems like 95% of the complaints on this site are related, either directly or indirectly to the behavior of the BM.

That being said, I disagree with the statistics and think it sounds like they were made up by an unhappy and vengeful BM. I have looked and have not been able to find any reliable and trustworthy statistical information that backs up this info. I think it's a case of wild generalization and doesn't reflect the real situations of most SMs/SDs. I struggle with my step-parenting situation, but it is for specific reasons (not listed in the info) and I do know two step-moms (the only SMs I know in real life) that love their skids intensely and have cordial and decent relationships with the normal and sane BMs in their lives. Their BMs are both pretty nice women and have completely moved on from their H's. Both are happily remarried and are on pleasant and friendly terms with my SM friends (they even swap knitting patterns and recipes). Needless to say, I do not relate to their situation at all, nor them to mine! They feel really sorry for me that I have such a crazy BM to deal with and they see how it affects my skids. I think everything depends on the details of the situation and the normality and sanity of the BM.

That's my little two cents worth.

"The truth shall set you free." ~John 8:32

How long does a SF usually stick around? I think my BM is going to be booted out within 3 months of bringing SD to live with her boyfriend.