My Ex is a Swinger
Well I have discovered that my ex and his wife are swingers. My youngest son was at his house and I went to pick him up to take him to camp and there was a banner laying there that the wife was making with a swingers logo on it. My kids are aware of this because I called my oldest sons girlfriend and asked her about it. She said yes, they both know. The youngest is 15 and the oldest is 19. She said that they found some pictures on the computer of the stepmother. In doing more research I found another website that they are affiliated with. The ex knows that I know about this. He makes no apologies for it and is in fact taking off today for a weekend trip with his swinging group. I am taking my boys to counseling next week. I feel so bad for them. The oldest one said that he is embarrassed by him and doesn't want to turn out like him. I explained to both of the boys that the lifestyly his dad lives is a choice and they are not destined to be like him. My heart breaks for them that they know how their dad is. I thought by divorcing him and getting out and away from him and his perverted ways I could protect them, but I haven't.
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WOW!!
What a thing to find out, especially for a 15y/o. The 19 y/o is old enough to make decisions for himself about visitation, but the 15 y/o probably isn't. Counseling is a good thing, good for you! I would let the ex know that under NO uncertain terms that NONE of that should occur while your kids are there for visitation, and that there should be no "material" laying around for anyone to "find". That's so wrong on so many levels. Good luck to you!
Times are a changin'...
If it were me, I would maybe consider discussing with him that although you don't agree with his lifestyle, you still respect him as the father of your two impressionable boys.
The sexual lifestyle he leads should be a private one.
Let the kids mature enough to be able to handle and understand the situation better. Then they can make their own judgement calls. I'd also suggest they STOP googling their stepmother.
Being perverted or a swinger or homosexual or whatever doesn't make you a bad parent. They just need to keep it more private.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
I agree on his lifestyle
I agree on his lifestyle being private. I told him that if he could have pulled it off without affecting the kids then more power to him, but he didn't. I just hate it that my 19yo thinks he is genetically going to be like him when he isn't. I just re-inforced to them that these are all choices they make. On googling her, I don't think they did that but I think the ex left it up on his computer and they just clicked on it and saw pictures of her.
My DH always says...
to me, "you can learn as much from a bad example as you can from a good one..."
I think it's great that your son doesn't want to be anything like him.
My stepdaughters have figured out how much they DON'T want to be like their mom when it comes to men. They've watched BM fail miserably at all of her relationships by being needy, codependent, desperate, or whatever. So now they've learned how NOT to be.
Silver lining?
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
OMG
My BF's ex goes to orgy parties. He found emails from her "friends" and photos she sent other guys, etc. He totally busted her and she blamed him, saying she was unhappy and wanted to get caught. Gee, if you are that unhappy in your marriage either fix it or get out of it. We are not sure what she is up to now but it won't be long before she is back at it. She is a sex addict. Luckily, for now, FSS is only 7 months old so he has no idea whats going on in her "lifestyle".
Custody at risk
Not sure about your state, but here in Texas that sort of lifestyle will cost you the custody of your kids. I had a friend who participated inthat lifestyle with her husband. They were excellent parents and the kids had no clue. But when someone at the school discovered this (by going to a club that caters to this lifestyle) they notified CPS. They went through an extensive investigation and had the kids removed for a period of time. They eventually got them back, but were court ordered to not praticipate in that.
She kept this to herself and never pushed any of it on me, but when my ex and I were in the beginning stages of custody battles, my attorney advised me to no longer be friends with her because that is the one thing that judges will take custody away for. She is still a dear friend to this day, but during that time I chose to avoid the friendship at all cost. Thanksfully she understood and he are still friends.
I think that is warps the fragile minds of the young children. My husband told me that as a child, he was aware of his parents doing this and it messed him up. He has gotten past it now, but why should any kid have to go through that? If a person chooses that, then make sure to keep it completely private and never expose the kids. Me personally, I would rather just stay with the one man I have!!!
"I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on ebay."
I have done alot of things
I have done alot of things in my lifetime, swinging not one of them though, but my personal view is that as a child I found my parents toy stash- realized they did it- at the time thought I would need serious therapy for it but I am okay now(atleast thats what I say) their dad needs to lock those files and they need to try to keep it private.
I can't believe someone lost custody because of the type of relationship they had- they wouldn't take it if one of them was having an affair, turned gay, or used toys- in my view, it's not done around the kids, then let them be.
As for the 19y/o, I think alot of young people are worried about being "perversed" since they are exposed to sexuality earlier(t.v, and movies- even music is so much more sexual more often now) they have lobger to think about it, and with the level of most teens hormones - then to know that someone like your father leads an alternative lifestyle on top of all the rest of it- I can see why he feels worried- I think if more kids were honest they would almost all say they are worried about alot of similar subjects.
tell the wife to paint posters when you're kids aren't there.
There is no reason where logic does not exist
toys
Not to get off subject. What luvdagirl said about the toys happened to me tuesday. My friends 3 year old found my toy box in my room. My friend wasn't watching her and she went in my room. I was horrified. Do you think she will remember?:o
LMAO!!!
Guess you found a better hiding place after that???? I was at a friends house one time and her own three year old came out giggling. We looked at him and could not figure out why he was laughing so hard. Then he came and siad "mommy, this wiggly thing is so much fun!". He had a vibrator!!! She was so embarrassed. I wated to die laughing, but also knew that he shouldn't have been around that. We went to her room and found that he had gone into her closest and was playing spider man. She had a shelving unit in there and her box of toys was on the top shelf. He climbed right up and knocked stuff off of each shelf. The box fell to the ground and there it all was. I know it wasnt funny....but it was! Her son is now seven and has never mentioned it since that day, so I don;t think your friends 3 year old will be too traumatized. Now you on the other hand just might be!!!
"I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on ebay."
well i remember nothing
well i remember nothing about being 3, if that helps.
There is no reason where logic does not exist