Chores
I am new to this parent thing as I have no children of my own. What should a 15 yr. old boy and a 13 yr. girl be doing around the house. Right now they do nothing but eat, sleep, watch tv, and use the internet. Their day work long hours and is not home much which means they are left home with me doing nothing. I am tired of being a maid. Please help!
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The dreaded chores
My DD13 has to load/unload DW as needed, Swiffer the bathroom, kitchen, and great room, vacuum family room, dust, and wipe down the bathroom sink. During the school year, she does her own laundry. In the summer, we do it together. She does other things as I find them or need help with. Last week, we Murphy oiled the woodwork in the house.
OTOH, her room is a mess. I stand it for as long as I can then I blow. I try to keep her door closed so I don't have to see it.
My big thing is that they should be helping with keeping the common living areas of the house clean. Enlist your DH's help as they are his children. Ideally, he needs to be the one who informs them that they are going to start helping around the house, and he needs to follow through with what he says.
well at that age
all i had to do was make sure my room was clean and that was it.
life is a box of choclates you never know what your going to get (i always pick the coffe of the box what about you )
At that age
I had to vacuum the living room, dining room, hall and part of the bathroom, sweep the other part of the bathroom and mop it, dust everything, and clean the bathrooms.
My sister had to do the dishes and clean the floor in the kitchen and cook dinner.
Together we had to wash the clothes, fold, and put them away. We also had to cleam my mother's room and change her sheets once a week, and iron her uniforms and put the pins and badges on them (she was a police officer)
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My skids take turns week to week:
One week, one has to do this dishes after each meal (summers) and after only dinner (school time) and the other has to vacuum the living room on day, sweep the hallway and bathroom one day, mop the hallway and bathroom one day, mop the kitchen one day, and then sweep the kitchen after dinner everyday. They switch on Sundays.
They also now have to wash their own clothes. I used to do them and they would put them away but they kept throwing them in the floor and walking on them, then throwing them back in the dirty clothes without wearing them. Now they do their own laundry and amazingly the clothes acually get put away!
~Don't fear the thorns among the Roses, but be greatful for the Roses among the thorns~
at that age
I was doing laundry and having to hang it OUTSIDE since my dad was such a mizer, we were not allowed to use the dryer.
I helped with dinner and of course had to do the dishes afterwards, my sons had chores cleaning bathrooms mopping, like Cru said I wanted them to learn how to live on their own-"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
They need to do something!
My SS 7 sweeps the floor after we eat, takes the trash out, makes his own bed, and helps put laundry away. they live there too and should share in keeping the place up.
Have a family meeting
Maybe you, DH and the kids could sit down and discuss the whole chore thing. If they're 15 and 13 they're too young to drive or make their own money. Do they have an allowance? And do you and DH take them to places like sleepovers, parties, the pool, skating, friends' houses, etc? If so, it should be pointed out that these things are priveledges that can be taken away; if not, they could be put on the table as rewards for good behavior.
I have been doing my own laundry since I was 10 years old. At 10, my responsibilities were to keep my room tidy every day and deep clean it every two weeks (dust furniture, clean mirrors, etc.). I also vacuumed the house once a week and swept the floor after dinner. A few years later I began cleaning "my" bathroom once a week. I also had to help mow the yard (we had a huge yard, it was an all day three man job).
A lot of times, one kid will prefer to do certain types of chores over others. Sometimes they can "get off easy" by getting the chores that they don't mind doing too badly.
Good luck!
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
i disagree
with the comment about learning how to live on there own i never did any of that stuff at my mums and my house now is immaculate i do my skirting bords every 2 days windows every 2 days door frames every 2 days. my bathroom and floors every day always make my bed wehn i get ouit of it ect ect ect
life is a box of choclates you never know what your going to get (i always pick the coffe of the box what about you )
We've decided to have a
We've decided to have a sliding scale for SD14. We want her to have an allowance, and learn to save money for the things she wants, but we also want her to have responsabilities. For her $10 a week, she is expected to keep her room clean and her bed made, do her own laundry and to water all the pets (we have 2 cats, 3 snakes, a lizard, a couple of fish and a tarantula) feed the cats, and unload the dish washer. (No loading b/c no one in my family seems to understand that a dish CRUSTED with food will NOT get cleaned properly except me).
If she wants more money, her father and I are happy to give her additional projects. If she doesnt' do those base things or we need to nag her about it constantly, no allowance.
Sundays her father and I typically do some chores. I think it's important to show a child that the parents are chipping in too, at her mom's house, she's pretty much the free maid/baby sitter, and we don't agree with that. Each of us has a job. Her father and I go to work every day, and she goes to school and needs to get good grades. Beyond that, we all need to chip in around the house so it's a nice place to live for us all...
again disagree
i never had chores and a lot of you are saying how it helps u when you leave the nest which it doesnt i never did anything yet i have a good job a spotless house a great social life with lots of friends my parents both encouraged me to be who i am not focus on getting help around the house
life is a box of choclates you never know what your going to get (i always pick the coffe of the box what about you )
I agree with Stepping Stones BUT
I didn't have very much responsibility either, and am a decently neat and tidy, taking care of the world person. I am a self motivated person. Not high energy and procrastinate a lot, but will dive into any task that needs done. Because no one else will do it.
I think the problem is that my mom never taught me how to teach my kids anything, because I taught myself and had to be self motivated.
But my kids, and the entire teen culture, is NOT self motivated. They have very few interests outside of TV, Ipod, Gameboy, computer.
We didn't have these immobile distractions. We didn't sit around the house. We had many more freedoms, but I believe we also didn't constantly search out the things our parents wouldn't approve of. I don't recall at 13 pushing their limits all the time, or throwing tantrums, being ungrateful. I simply "was." I went to a friend's house, I played by myself, I read...
My kids seem to think the world owes them entertainment.
Or perhaps some constant distraction.
My kids also never hang out in their rooms like I did. They say it's because they don't have a computer or TV in there. Ummmm....neither did I. So I'm not sure what it's about.
I am tired of doing everything myself. But THIS is the mom my mother taught me to be. I'm trying to break out of my comfort level and demand more of my kids. It's hard because I didn't have that upbringing, but if I don't teach them how to teach kids to contribute and be responsible, how much worse will my grandchildren be?
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
omg
i never thought i heard the words I'M BORED as much as i have heard them during FSD summer visit. she feels like she constantly needs to be entertained. always wants to play a game and even when she is finished with her part of the weekend chores she seems mad that we are still cleaning around her. she wants to play a game or go somewhere...i'm with you, i was never entertained that way as a child. we entertained ourselves...got dirty outside and scraped up like kids are supposed too. we were very creative with finding ways to entertain ourselves...i wonder what would have happened if i ever told my mom i was bored...i bet she would have found a really fun chore for me to do. we never had tv's in our rooms either...but that's not why we were never in them. as soon as we got home we changed into our "play clothes" and went outside with the other neighboorhood kids...even played air basketball ( no one in the neighboorhood had a net ) played volleyball over our hedges in the yard, raced in the street (which is really dangerous now i wouldnt advise that) and climbed trees...we NEVER had a gaming system in our house until i got much older and it belonged to my brother (another one of his rewards) and we also NEVER had cable or a computer...kids are so spoiled that most have toys they've only played with once or not at all...i even see it in my FSD...when you give her a gift or buy her a nice outfit she says thanks and is polite but it's not the same excitement i remember having when i was her age...we always made a big deal when someone did something for us...but i guess when you're used to family members always giving you things to the point of having too many things..it's like oh where will i find room for one more outfit in my closet...it really is sad now that i think about it.
My SD trashes her things- breaks special presents from me when
She's mad at me for her dad's disciplining her.
I'm done. I bought her a necklace while she was gone. It was a figure dancing, and the box said, "Dance as if no one is watching," which is her favorite saying.
She was giddy over it, then the next day I found it in knots. Her aunt (BM's sister) bought her several dolls on her travels, she used to keep them out, but used them to hide food under, and then their clothes would get ruined. Now they are in a pile in her closet. These are fifty dollar dolls I'm sure, one is from Ireland.
I bought her an angel once when we first met, that she really liked. When she cleaned out her room recently, she brought it to me to get rid of it, along with another angel and a snowglobe with angels that MIL gave her, and one religious statue her great aunt who's a nun gave her. I told her she should keep those things from her Grandma and Great Aunt, but could get rid of the angel from me. When DH heard that he got mad and told her to keep it too. I didn't care anymore because...
This week I found the glass swan (I bought her as a special "coming of age" gift when she got her period) smashed on the floor. It was the only gift left I have gotten her, part of a pair of glass figures I got her that day, the other one was a unicorn (interesting literary symbolism there, very Tennessee Williams- smashing a virginal symbol and all.) She broke the unicorn, and a jewelry box I bought her for our wedding, with a pic of her dancing with me, when DH wouldn't give her her way over spending the night at a friends. She also ripped up all the pics with me in them, keeping the half with her, Anna or DH, and tearing my image to bits.
I have posted about this countless times, so there must be something more I'm trying to figure out about it. I don't think it's just her illness, I think she has no respect for people close to her, or gifts period.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Definitely old enough, they need to learn
My chores were weird growing up. I was supposed to keep my room clean and help whenever asked. There really weren't any "set" chores. Whatever we were told to do, we were expected to do, which included anything from the dishwasher to working out in the yard. However, my house wasn't the cleanest. My mom grew up in another country where all the middle class had maids. She even had her own personal maid. What a wakeup call when she moved here! She never really learned how to clean that well. She mostly just straightened up, (and she usually ruined at least 1 piece of clothing in the washer a week) and dad had to come along behind her and do what he could. So that's what I learned to do. Hubby is a clean freak, and was horrified at my "cleaning", so he has been teaching me ever since we met. He even had to teach me the right way to do laundry. Now I'm a pretty decent cleaner, and take pride in a clean house. This has taught me that you need to teach children how to clean or they won't have a clue what to do when they are on their own. (I shudder now to think what my apartment looked like when I was all by myself!)
At 13 and 15 they definitely need to keep their rooms clean and help with the everyday cleaning. I'm not a big fan of assigning chores, because if it needs to be done, but the SD it belongs to is not there, the other SD will refuse to do it, and all that kind of "not my job" argument just gives me a headache. So we just let it be known that all chores belong to everyone (except individual rooms and picking up after yourself). If you are asked to do something, you do it. I also agree with having them help with laundry. I wish I had been taught how to do laundry correctly, and then maybe I wouldn't have ruined a whole load of Hubby's shirts when we first got married!
My son (12 1/2) on MWF has
My son (12 1/2) on MWF has dishes (we have a dishwasher), clean kitchen counters, sweep kitchen and bathrooms, take out garbage and recyclables, on TTh he has to clean bathroom sinks, pick up the living room, vacuum, everyday chores, are put his laundry away and clean his room- not making them learn how to do stuff does them no favors
"The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change, So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding, and love."
no im not saying that but
i really disagree with the comment its the way to teach. i think kids need to be learning from books not by cleaning house and once they have done homework they should be allowed to socailise and firgure out who they are i agree if they make a huge mess or something they should clean it up but shouldnt be made to scrub the house
life is a box of choclates you never know what your going to get (i always pick the coffe of the box what about you )
A-friggin-MEN Stepping
A-friggin-MEN Stepping Stones - I couldn't have said this better myself!!This generation needs a serious reality check - hey kid guess what?? The world does not owe you any favors - period!!
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin
You are an exception
BD is entering her Jr year of college and this pat year had the roommate from hell. RM would make a mess and NEVEr clean up behind herself. RM would eat a slice of pizza and instead of throwing the crust in the trashcan, she would put the crust and plate in the sink and leave it there for days. BD likes to cook and would have to clean up behind RM in order to make a meal. RM would spill juice or rice or whatever it was and half-a$$ wipe it up with a paper towel. No broom, no mop, just a paper towel. RM and BD had numerous run-ins about her being lazy and inconsiderate and RM would just shrug her shoulders as if to say...Oh well.
This is apparently someone who was never made to be responsible or do anything for herself. It was quite frustrating for BD as she had to live with her for a year. So, where you may have turned out okay without chores, not everyone does. I am in agreement of giving children chores and responsibility. I TEACH my children how to do for themselves so that when they are off on their own they have a clue and can do for themselves.
I think we can actually handicap them by not giving them responsibility. BD actually has friends who are in college who don't know how to do for themselves b/c mom and dad always did it for them.
My new StepMother's Motto:
When life gives you lemons... Make a damn good Margarita.
i also agree that they should have chores...
i'm sure no one on here is saying that they have their kids be their maids but it does teach them responsibility and also how to take care of themselves. i have many friends who had to call me when they moved out on their own because they couldnt do laundry or even boil water. i'm sure everyone on here gives the kids time to be kids too but keeping up with the household should be a family responsibility...not one or two people killing themselves while the kids make a mess. FSD is here for the summer and she has chores...nothing big, but she cleans up after herself...we cook together on the weekends when i'm not in such a rush to just get it done and i can teach her a thing here or there...i dont think anyone here is being unreasonable in wanting their kids to help out around the house...when i was younger i was responsible for quite a bit around the house and there wasnt a payment plan for my chores..that was a part of being a part of the family and helping eachother out. even BF knows that cleaning is our responsibility...all of us. i've just seen so many households where only one person is responsible for the chores and it kills them...there's no time for anything else but cleaning up after everyone else...it's a family responsibility especially if both parents work.
exactly!
When one person does all the cleaning, it wears that person out. But when the whole family shares in the chores then everything gets done in a minimum amount of time and then there's more time for fun and family time. Sure, kids need to play and just be kids, but I believe part of our responisibility to the children is to teach then how to survive in the world when they fly the nest, and chores is part of that.
Yes chores!!
I agree with the chores for the kiddos, we have 5 total,
most are teens. The younger ones BD's 14, 15 and SD12 all have one chore a day; dishes, trash, second load of dishes...
They are each responsible for keeping their own room clean, and
their own laundry. SD18 is working but if she wants to live in our house must attend college and do chores; mop/sweep the floor
3x a week. SS 19 has just now come back and his conditions are different, he must work 6 hrs a day right now until he finds a job.
He is trying to get back on the right path and has made several mistakes. I agree with others that it does teach responsibility,
but it is too much when 7people are in the house for one person to take care of it all. Now when school comes and if practice or games or alot of home work comes up then we give breaks, but I don't think
any child should not have to do chores. So Im basically agreeing with what most of ya'll wrote.
well that
way worked for me i turned out fine i dont shrink things its not like its rockett science to use a washer is it? its all common sense if you ask me. but what your saying about them being a maid is not what i was trying to say i manage to clean my house work full time i also have a part time job and a busy social life
life is a box of choclates you never know what your going to get (i always pick the coffe of the box what about you )
Chores
Since SD (16)came to live with us I notice she does her own laundry, she keeps her room clean and we have not had a bit of trouble with her. She went out yesterday after and cleaned out her car and washed it. Of course, DH is OCD and would not allow anything else. He did explain to her she would have to do these things if she lived with us.
I make requests of my BD (11) as needed. She keeps her room picked up and neat or anything else I ask. When she turns 12 she will start doing her own laundry. One thing I had to ground BD over this past weekend was that I get ticked when she takes the shampoo and liquid soap into the shower and does not put in back in the bathtub when she's done. I forget and have to get out of the bath soaking wet and get them. I had already made this request of her and she forgot. You would have thought I smacked her upside the head after making her hand her cell phone over for the weekend. But she didn't forget then next time.
"OCD sucks"
Habit and routine have an unbelievable power to destroy.
--Henri de Lubac
Chores!! YES YES!!
I have 2 SD one of which is not in the home anymore, and my two BD. I was always taught that if I ever wanted to go and do things such as go out with a friend, sleepover etc that I must contribute. I have also carried this over into my girls and trying to teach his girls. My girls now know in order for them to go, they know what to expect before even asking me. ALSO my children have cell phones, they need money to go here and there,, Im not giving them a penny or keeping the cell phones connected while they sit back and show me no respect for what i have given. EXAMPLE, school is coming up, for weeks I have told the girls dont ask me to take you shopping when you throw all your laundry on your bedroom floor. I refuse to take them shopping and them come home and throw my hard earned money on the floor. My girls have cleaned and managed to maintain their clean room and laundry on hangers in the closet LIKE its suppose to be done. My SD on the other hand has refused to take my advice and honestly has three loads of cloths on the floor. ARE they clean, some are some are not! SO as bad as it may sound but i refuse to TREAT someone who does no appreciate or respect what I have asked them to do KNOWING that if she just did it she will reward from it as well. Chores are simple at my house. Clean your room, we alternate doing dishes, sweeping, dusting etc. If I cook, IM NOT CLEANING! I work hard everyday and I refuse to come home and clean up after them while they have been home eating, sleeping, kicked back watching MTV.
So is allowance a thing of
So is allowance a thing of the past? I always had an allowance growing up, not much, $10 a week which is barely enough for a movie ticket now, and beginning at about 13 I had baby sitting jobs and whatnot, but my parents didn't want me hounding them for money all the time I guess, so this was their solution, $10 a week, that's it....
i dont think it's a thing of the past
but i dont think it should be payment for chores or payment for good grades. it's just something you give them if that's your choice. i never got an allowance so i dont know if i would have been a better person if i was getting paid to be a helping member of the family...my mom taught us how to help around the house for our benefit...she made us get good grades for our benefit...so i guess she never saw the point of a reward system...until my brother came along..he seemed to struggle and everything was more difficult for him than the rest of us and when she ran out of ways to get him to do things she started the reward system with him..the problem was that it ended up backfiring..there were times that she just couldnt afford to pay him to clean his room or pay him for going from an F to a D and he began to feel entitled like well i'm not going to do this because i'm not going to get that. he missed the point..your cleaning so you dont live in a nasty room and your getting good grades so you can later be successful...again just my opinion.
I know...my BS 14 and SD both try this angle
Because all their friends get paid for doing chores. So they feel they don't have to do them if we're not paying.
I want to say, "Where the heck's my paycheck for everything I do alone!?!?!?"
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
not paying a maid
well i never had chores growing up but we did all have to make sure our house was clean if u saw something on the floor u picked it up,dishes in the sink wash them etc.and we didnt get allowance for doing these things it was what was expected for having a roof over our heads food in or stomaches and a dad that showed us alot of love.now i will say this approach has NOT worked with my bio children or my stepchildren at all.but then again there are alot more activities they are involved in and that keeps them busy enough i refuse to give money to them when they do help out simply because if i was going to pay someone i would hire a maid service.but anyway my point is whatever works for your household is what you should stick with.remind the kids that you dont get paid to be the maid.
In the real (adult) world
In the real (adult) world you work for your money, however there are also things that are expected of you (ie if you make a mess, clean it up) and I think an allowence helps teach kids responsibility financially if nothing else. If you want something you need to work to earn it, or to pay for it, or half of it. 3 of my kids get an allowence, and they will be docked if their room is a disaster, or i have to ask 24 times for the dishes to be put away. I work 40 hours a week, BF works 40 hours a week, we both cok and clean but theres 6 people and no one can do it all. I dont mind the bedroom as much except when it comes to laundry, if i can't find the dirty laundry i wont wash it. don't have anything clean to wear ? Should have had your clothes in your laundry on laundry day... sorry you hate the outfit you have on;) (summer camp has a uniform which makes it easier).
Kids needs to be taught about responsibility weither it's finances, or personal responsibility or just respect. It is a respect thing. I dont leave my underware on the couch, so why is yours there
Chores and allowence are a good thing, but i dont pay for grades... school is their JOB and chores are whats expected after their job, like side work. Not everything will get done, but you should have some free time and money of your own to spend as you see fit.
~Light travels faster than sound, that's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak!~
I forgot to add to my comment above
that I don't believe in giving a kid money to motivate them to do chores. To me, if they live in the house, they contribute however you need them to. I don't think I should have to pay a child to do what I am going to require for them to get to live there . They're already getting a free ride for a time being, why should I pay them for it? That's just my take on it.
"OCD sucks"
Habit and routine have an unbelievable power to destroy.
--Henri de Lubac
chores
We had things we had to do, but my parent never called them chores. My sister and I did dishes almost every meal (and complained about why they didn't gt a dishwasher like everyone else, and they said we HAVE TWO dishwashers! hahah!!) My brother had garbage detail (which we always thought was much easier and less frequent). All 3 of us had to keep our rooms fairly tidy and each Saturday clean them more thoroughly. The sheets came off and got washed Saturdays too, PLUS Saturday mornings were also the day we clean the HOUSE. We took turns dusting/vacuuming/mopping. If we didn't do it, we didn't get to go anywhere. We got $4 a week (this was in the 70's). When I got to be about 15 I was also assigned more laundry.Mowing the lawn was usually my dads' thing but I did it sometimes for extra cash. It took 3 hours, it was hell. LOL!
I think it taught us some responsibility and how to earn some of our own $$. Funny thing is the brother who didn't have to do as much was the one who had the most trouble getting on his feet when he moved out on his own.
I never clean the house on Saturday any more. Mondays are a drag anyway (working full time) so why not do it then?
p.s. I never had kids (or really even wanted them) but we now have a 'young adult' of my boyfriend's who moved in with us recently who apparently never had to do anything in his mom's house. Or his Dad's when he lived there as a younger kid. So we are struggling to make him see our wisdom about pitching in with the household responsiblities. He is so resistant that we haven't seen him in days! He avoids us, won't cook or make anything to eat (hate to dirty any dishes to clean up you know). He lives on fast food I guess. Now, if I make a meal he is not included. We aren't going to play his game! And we are close to sending him packing. Living rent free and expecting to not have to do anything in the house (without getting paid)? Good luck!
All things in moderation
I don't work outside the home, so the housework, cooking and laundry are my jobs. My two kids have chores, but they are kid-specific chores... clean their rooms weekly, clean up their bathroom daily, make their beds, pick up after themselves, clear their dirty dishes from the table after meals, bring their dirty laundry down to the laundry room to be washed, put their clean laundry away in their drawers/closets and just generally clean up any mess they make. The same chores apply to my stepkids when they are with us EOW and on long breaks. All kids and stepkids help out when asked, such as if I need help unloading groceries from the car or loading the dishwasher.
My kids' first job is their schoolwork, period. That's the single most important thing they have to do. I also make sure they have plenty of time for socialization. It's important for grown-ups to have a break and to interact with friends, and it's just as important for children to do this, too. I don't have a house full of Cinderellas-in-training. They do a few minutes' worth of picking up each day and the larger chore of cleaning their rooms on the weekends, but I'm not going to chain them up in the cellar peeling potatoes all day. This is their childhood. I think it's important to give them a few chores, teach them responsibility and all that, but I think it is equally important to give them a childhood, because once it's gone, they can't get it back.