i dont see FH at all in SD, only BM except that she has his curly hair. she is a mini bm in the making. its hard bc we dont ahve much influence on her EOW only but we do the best we can. for me, and i hate to admit it, its difficlut to look at SD alot of times bc she is the product of THAT, his time w that awful woman, and especially after all we've been thru bc of her (BM) and still suffer financially for it. its hard. hard to remind myself that SD is her own person when she acts and talks and talks about BM constantly. we're only human. living breathing proof of it is tough...but it is for FH too bc of the relationship w BM and that was a very bad time in his life. it hurts him to look at her sometimes too.

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin

I think he doesn't see your step-daughter as a "product of love" with her BM because maybe she isn't. If I remember right your SD is in the 12-13 year old range, I don't remember how long your husband was with BM but is sounds like he was never married to her and that he proposed because she was pregnant, not because of a great love or desire to build a life together. Maybe try to think of BM as just a big vending machine that he put some change into a long time ago and out popped a daughter! Okay, that might be a little over the edge and granted he has to keep putting a LOT of change in the vending machine but it does sound like you have a great relationship with your husband and not too bad with the step-daughter as well. I know (believe me I KNOW) it’s difficult to look at step-kids and not see part of their mothers (particularly behavior in my case) but if you are having trouble seeing her as an individual try to focus on the parts of him you see in her. You’re right, we all bring our past into new relationships but it sure is a little more “in your face” when it’s children and an ex! I think you’ll be happier if you are able to let it go a bit, there is no way around the fact that the past is part of the present and the future - in fact it's what lead us to the present and if that's good then you just figure out a way to come to terms with how you got here. As for the step-daughter, at her age she’s probably doing everything she can not to be like her parents so if you recognize the ways she is different from them she might like that.

great way to look at it...HUGE vending machine! LOL!

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin

I asked myself tonight what I would say to my SD if she asked, "did I like her". My instinct was no. I did not like her or her brother, but I liked him more. Okay, I know I couldn't actually say that. But when I thought more, it was so hard because, I have hated, or at least struggled so deeply with my issues with BM and her influence on her kids, that I can say that I don't enjoy their company, I don't look forward to their visits, and I have a lot of animosity towards them. But probably it is more about my issues with their mom, and her influence on their behavior. This is a struggle. I face it every day and wonder, reflect, regret. I don't know if this helps.

Well, they are all adults, but 2 really have the BM's features but it doesn't bother me.

I am AMAZED that it doesn't bug the hell out of me. But I am not going to overthink it.

At least you all have children with your hubbies. I don't and never will. That makes me sad. Enjoy what you've got!

Otherwise, just focus on the personality / features that you appreciate in the SK's.

I'm not able to have more kids so I feel badly that I have "an only child" I quote that because my daughter won't probably have a relationship worth anything with her siblings from her dad's first marriage. So, I thought, what about adopting a sibling? This child could be from anywhere. Would I worry about his/her "mother" or would I just try to love him/her. I think we attach emotional strings that are easily removed depending on our perspective. So why not always change our perspective to change the way we think about things so that we feel excellent about it.

Her mom is very unattractive although FH likes to say she looked better back in the day. they only dated for a few months before BM got prego, so I don't see FSD as a product of love or anything like that. I look at her as somebody who came along who wasn't planned but is here now and we do our best to show her a normal healthy relationship since her mom is messed up and has plenty of issues of her own to be able to show her anything healthy. I just look at her like a little girl who needs me to show her the ways of the world and how to grow and learn and ultimately be her own person. Not a little version of her mom with problems.

I suppose I do have a sort of animosity and resentment toward my FSD as well as the above comment. When her mom was really going rounds with us routinely, I am sure I let some of my negative feelings about her mom reflect on FSD. Especially when she would say things like "my mom says.." or "my mom does..." whatever it was I felt the need to disagree with her mom and claim to have a different outlook and opinion on whatever it was. I wanted to show her that her moms way was not the only "right" way of things. I hate how BM dresses FSD and does her hair and little things like that. That is pretty much what makes my nose crinkle up these days. I feel like she is turning her daughter into a nerd like her and it is my job to show FSD a different way.

My SS and Bm don't even have the same colour skin as me and DH and still, I don't see that. My SS is just as much an individul as the rest of the family. Sure he has learned bad behaviours of BM but that is natural, I am sure my kids have behaviours they learn from me. I have had a hard run with my SS for 4 years now and I cried many tears and sometimes very nearly left my husband because of these awful feelings.

But my serious thought on this topic is, there is enough trials and tribulations associated with blended families already present without even considering going into looks of who and reminders that are being triggered, you could really do your head in with this line of thinking. This needs to be let go, when you meet a man and you know he has kids to begin with, you must expect they are going to somewhat resemble their mother?

I would try to focus on the things you actually have some kind of control over, not the things you don't. We can work on our SK's behaviour and their manners and respect and whatever else is an issue within the home & family, but you can't change their looks as much as you can change the weather. Keep your focus realistic and I know it's hard sometimes, but it will be you who feels better in the long run. I am not saying anyone wants these feelings and I understand that your feelings are probably out of your control, but if you start changing the thought pattern, you can overcome these feelings.

I am not saying anyone's feelings are right on wrong, just that it's not helping your state of mind or emotions to do your head in about things you can't possibly change.

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

I'm reminded of BM every time poor SD smiles, or we get her latest orthodontist bill for a few hundred bucks. Even after 5 years of braces, and 4 teeth being pulled, the poor kid is no where near normal dentally speaking. I swear her mother is part shark or something, and she totally inherited her mother's teeth.

Thankfully, that's the end of the similarity, beyond that, she looks just like F. In our house, there's a great respect for individuality, and I have never had a problem seeing her as her own person as opposed to BM, or BM and F, who were only together long enough in their teens to make SD, that's about it. In fact, SD identifies more with her dad and me than with her mom, and emulates our way of being and attitudes, so I don't have a hard time with this at all, though I can understand those that do!

from my SD, the reason we're going through it all....:
o, btw, my dad and *northernsiren* are the best family a girl(and boy) could ever hope for. Thank you for helpping me through these hard times.

that i really admire u ladies who have such a great outlook on this all. this is so hard for me and i really hope i can one day SOON be at the place y'all are regarding stuff like this. i know its not healthy to hold on to, or think about like catch said, but its really hard for me. im trying...

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin

It is hard!! No one is saying it's easy, but you need to start warming up your thought pattern. Start seeing in your home the things you see written. It's like detaching everyone talks about...It's hard it doesn't come on like a light or an epiphany, it has to be worked at and I know because I have been there. I thought I hated my SS for a long time, I didn't, I hated that he hated me and treated me badly and made me feel badly. Thats where I was wrong, I allowed myself to feel bad because I wanted him to accept me.

Remember, every one has a past and the more you relive it in your head, the more it will bother and frankly screw with your mind. How can you start to change things you feel when you think about them all the time? Start like I did. I wanted to stop caring that SS hated me and decided that if he chose to hate me that was his choice.

But...this is my house and he will respect me and my home and acknowledge that I exist. So everytime I started thinking about it I would find something else to do or call someone or anything to stop me thinking about it. After a month I was on my way to success. I stopped caring and just said things like Hi and if I got no answer I would say "it would be nice if you said hello back when I say hello" and walk away find something else to do...eventually you train yourself how to deal with things when you start to get angry or jealous or whatever your emotion is at the time. it works Bella, try it. You're a good person and you do not deserve to carry all this baggage with you.
Hugs
Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

its so hard for me rite now bc we are getting married in a month and want to start our family and the CS thing just kills me. and the way BM is raising SD makes it hard. i wont raise my kids that way and we try so hard w her but its a struggle EOW. i know it will catch on in time and shes so young that works in our favor (maybe...who knows? could work to BMs too!) i try not to let it affect me to where SD can pick up on something or even have FH tell thats its on my mind bc of my actions, but im sure i do. its just a constant battle in my head EOW...im trying. i really am. like i said, posts like these really help. there are alot of enlitened people out here and i swear i will be one some day! funny thing is, i have no problem telling others how hey should think or feel, tell them they shouldnt struggle w it and look at it like this, but i cant seem to take my own advice one day at a time...

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin

all those little things but I think things like well hey I hate paying so much CS but I can't change it so....think of something I can control...dinner!! LOL

I hate the things BM says & does, the way she raises him and spends our money but I can't change her, but I can change the way SS is at our place. I want him to be a happy, balance kid, so i do what i can to make his life happy and normal as i can, what she does over there is her business. Of course things are alot easier now that he actually talks to me...

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

thats the attitude my FH has taken and i should follow his lead...once in awhile he is rite about stuff like this

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin

Physically her dad's genetic twin.

Mentally and relationally, her mom's.

That is not at all a pleasant combo.

I don't see DH or BM when I look at her, though I do get a good idea of what it was like for DH to be married to BM since they both are BPD (and maybe more!)

It is NOT a pretty picture.

Her black hair, cocoa skin and matching eyes are beautiful. Her actions are not.

I fell in love with her before him, but now am forced to live an adversary, and always feeling like I have to sleep with one eye open.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra