A question for all? Which turned into a Venting.
For all the ladies and gentlemen here I'm curious if you ever feel like I do right now??? I find it occurs to me that DH's kids don't really care much if they see me or not. It kind of stings. If DH is ever asked about visits it is always when is *he* going to visit. I understand that I'm not their parent. I understand that. I'm just I guess a bit floored that it seems they wouldn't care one way or another if I dropped dead. One hasn't spoken to me for over a month and the other spent all weekend being a smartmouth with an attitude.
I mean,I'm not some horrible shrew whom lives my life to make SS's lives hell. Far from that. I've been decent,respectful and conscious of how I would have liked my own SM to treat me when growing up. I've been on the receiving end of a jealous and insecure SM hell bent upon tearing my relationship with my Dad apart. So she would feel important or have attention or whatever. I know what it is like to have some new person in your life and I know what I didn't like about my own SM. I've done my best to be her(my SM)opposite in every manner possible.
I feel like pretty much I'm just viewed as the tag along as of late. Maybe that is just how I feel. Like my being here doesn't matter much. I just feel like the tag along. Or the person they believe that DH spends every dime on to pamper me with extravagant gifts.
Which isn't true by any means. Just yesterday SS actually said "Do you buy Not.a.Mom everything she wants?" In a snarky kind of way. That was because he saw I got a new cell phone. I told DH beforehand that it WOULD be brought up as soon as it was noticed that I had a new phone. He said he would handle it and sure enough as soon as my new phone was spotted the kid thought he could shoot his mouth off about it.
It has been brought up for years. His older brother loves to get pissed off and greedy about cell phones and other things he wants and gripe,gripe,gripe about how he wants that or preferably better for himself. Even my Birthday presents were bi_ched about if I got something he wanted for himself. But,I dared get a new cell phone. After I had mine for two years and upgraded as it didn't want to function very well anymore!
DH came to my defense and let this CHILD (who is ten!!!) know that he will not make remarks about things that are none of his business. Or make any remarks about me. It has been a CONSTANT and stressing battle all weekend to stop him from trying to smart off or calling him out on it when he does. I haven't said a word to him in correction unless he said something smart TO me or ABOUT me. He's DH's kid,not mine. I just stopped him from saying anything to me or about me. DH stopped him on things related to me or otherwise. If I wasn't directly involved with whatever,I said nothing. DH did the calling down. I don't really care if his mom hears about it either. I won't have some little kid speaking to me like that. I'm sure it will get back to older son that we said the kid was acting like him. I don't care about that either. I won't take anything other than respect anymore. I give respect,I deserve it back. He made DH seriously mad about how he thought he could speak to me. Though,he thought he was going to get away with acting however he wanted.
He's taking on his older brother's worst personality traits! We told him he needed to act like himself instead of acting like his brother. He didn't like hearing that. He must be stopped now while he's younger and easier to deal with. We don't need another monster like the older one that I'm sure we helped to create by not saying anything to older ones remarks and actions most of the time. Younger one thinks he will do the same. Nope. Not happening! DH needs to handle that situation and nip that in the bud right now while he's young and still manageable.
I guess it mostly upsets me that I'm not seen as a person. I'm not seen as a someone who has been good to them. I'm not looked upon as anything other than somebody who they *think* gets all of these imaginary goodies that they want. It hurts me. I'm not seen as anything other than competition. DH once said to me that all the good isn't ever seen. I agree with that and I feel like crying.
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Comments
I'm so sorry to hear
I'm so sorry to hear that your being treated so poorly. At least your husband sticks up for and backs you though. Alot of our husbands don't even do that...I'm not sure what your situation is, but if you work and bring in your own income then I would say that you not spend one cent on those kids or do one thing for them...Often times I think we step parents are treated like a built in maid, nanny, and bank account by our DH's, BM's, and SK's...And all we get in return is treated like garbage and unappreciated for doing all those things we don't have to do for any of the three of them. My view is that I don't "owe" my step brat a darned thing because I married one of her parents..I'm not her maid, nanny, taxi service, or bank account...She treats me like garbage and in return she gets nothing from me...
Stepmoms
I think no matter what you do, if the BM subtley or openly encourages the skids to resent you, they will.
As a stepchild yourself, do you have any new understandings now that you are in the stepmom role?
I almost wish my SD would love someone who already had kids so she can understand some things, that are in her best interest and are completely and rudely unwelcome to SD, who is fully encouraged by BM to treat her dad bad and blame him for all her problems, i.e. she can't pass her classes because they were divorced 13 years ago.
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
I'm so glad at least your DH backs you up
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
Mine does not. So it's him, his kids, treating me like I'm second, third or no class at all-here in my home. My home. If H would one time, just one time, back me up, it would make a huge difference.
This morning, I brought up to H how our bedroom is our sanctuary, and that boundry should not be crossed (refereeing to SD13-to be 14 next month, sleeping in MY bed). H's response? Your dog comes in here! Excuse me??? My dog???It's quite clear H considers everything, everyplace, in the house, to be there for his daughters enjoyment. Even my bed.
"I feel like pretty much I'm just viewed as the tag along as of late. Maybe that is just how I feel. Like my being here doesn't matter much."
I feel like I matter not at all-except as cook & maid. I gave a birthday party for SD17. She got my car given to her on her birthday-I did the whole thing-lovely meal, cake, her a favorite food. Never again. Do you know, she did not even give me a card for my birthday? Not even a card. Forget mothers day-but then, I'm so grateful that I'm not her mother that I'm glad she didn't give me a Mothers Day card...
I agree with disgusted
My SKs didn't even know when my birthday is - they have to be forced to tell me happy birthday, but when their bday or Christmas comes around they are telling ME what they want - not BM or DH because in the past they knew I would be the only one willing to get them the presents they wanted. Not anymore, I am thru.They could care less about me, and SD shows it with her lies, stealing and hateful mouth - then come bday and holidays and she is telling me all about what she wants me to get her, I am thru with them.This year I am making it know I gave birth to one child who I am responsible for for Bdays and Holidays - BM and DH are responsible for their two, that's a chils a piece - if I can provide for one then each of them can provide for one.I will pay half the bills at our house, but the rest of my money will go to me and my son. I think that's fair. If anybody thinks I am wrong about that - let me know, I am tired of providing for the wants of a hateful, ungrateful SD. It has made me feel used and abused and I am not doing it anymore.
Yep, Razamond, we're on the same page here
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
I'm not doing one extra thing for anything to do with H & his leeches any longer. The fact that we spent $75.00 on Pizza for everyone on HIS mothers birthday, spent the whole day at his sis' for HIS mother, then My Mom's bd comes and he goes off the play cards?
I told him if that's how he wants it, it works both ways. And if I want to do something with a friend when it's his families whatever, I will. Soooo, SD13 turns 14 Dec. 22. She wants to have a dance. H has agreed. Guess what? I'm calling my girlfriend, and we're gonna have something planned for that evening. H and his ex can enjoy each others company chaperoning. I will not be availabe to attend.
NAM - My SDS' don't give a
NAM - My SDS' don't give a rats a** about me either. Yesterday was my birthday and I didn't get a call from either one of them. The older SD 15 hasn't spoken to me since September and the younger one SD 13, is so friggin annoying I can barely stand her presence in my home. No matter what we do - we will always be the "bad guy" and overlooked in everyway. I am over it too - I no longer buy Christmas gifts, plan birthday parties or anything of the sort for them - they already have 2 parents!!
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin
Most Evil is 100% correct...
"I think no matter what you do, if the BM subtley or openly encourages the skids to resent you, they will"
Children are little sponges. The words they use, the phrases they pick up and spout back out- it all comes directly from the other household. And it's all 'parroted' directly back in the littlest ways.
And, unfortunately, in most cases children whole-heartedly believe anything their mothers tell them. After all, WHY would their mother lie to them?
So here you are...this NEW woman in their father's life. A complete stranger. They know nothing about you- only what their mother tells them. And their mother (in their eyes) is PERFECT, of course. She would never lie to them. She would never hurt them. So everything she says to them about this NEW WOMAN MUST be true.
This new womam in dad's life must be after his money. She must not REALLY love him. She must not really like us. She's awful. She's horrible. She can't be trusted. If we like her, then that must mean that we don't love mom anymore.
So if any of the above has been placed in their little minds, HOW else do you think it would come across when they interact with US????
We're screwed from the get-go!
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis