should I?
I'm thinking about Xmas this year, and SD14. As I mentioned in my past blog, due to BM being pregnant, we were informed 3 days before Thanksgiving that it was our responsibility to get SD to and from her football game (cheerleading) on thanksgiving day, despite the fact it is less than 2 miles from the BMs house, and she had no plans. Anyway, b/c of that, FH and I opted to make thanksgiving dinner at our home (we weren't going to) have SD over weds night, and then back to our house after the game instead of to BMs. For some reason BM felt the need to call just before we sat down to eat to tell SD "I MISS YOU". Umm, okay, she NEVER does that, and SD got off the phone like "ummm, I have no clue what THAT was..." We had a nice time, and a good dinner of course! The next day was our anniversary, and we planned to go shopping early to hit sales. We dropped SD off at BMs at about 8:00 am.
SD later reported that she came home to a completely trashed kitchen. Wouldn't you know, BM missed her doing the DISHES apparently, b/c she didn't do a single one, not a cooking dish, not a plate, glass, nothing, left it all for SD to clean up after their "family". They also apparently chose that time to decorate their christmas tree. Sorry SD, you were left out AGAIN.
This is SO the story of SD's life, on the outside looking in to THEIR family, which she gets to clean up after. BM went into labor last night, and so it begins in earnest. Instead of having a weekend together b/c we were informed last weekend that SD would be with her grandfather so we wouldn't see her, now the grandfather is expected to be at Bm's house caring for the new spawn and older spawn, so SD is getting shipped off to our house again, and we get to accompany her to her sports dinner on Sunday.
Because of all this, I am really leaning towards asking FH to see if we can have SD on Christmas day. we talked about it and originally thought asking for her for Christmas eve made more sense. Technically there is no agreement to him having her any other time other than weekends, so BM could say no to the entire thing (unlikely however, given that we're the ones doing the parental gift giving, and that allows BM to justify not getting anything for her b/c "she gets plenty from her father")
We go to my parents home in MA for Christmas day, and they have met SD. I think it would be really nice, my parents have a lovely home, and my extended family will be there, a wonderful dinner, presents from my parents for her, etc. Plus the fact that FH and I are now engaged, everyone will be especially jovial and happy. We could even wait to pick her up until 10:30 or so on Xmas morning, so she could still have christmas morning with BM if that was so important, though I can't see how it would be. Am I crazy to even consider bringing this up? Is this what's considered "poking the bear?"
Thoughts and input are appreciated!
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NO not at all
sounds like she could use some holiday cheer. I commend you for even thinking of doing that. Hope you get your SD for christmas!!! Wow some ppl get all the luck to have a wonderful and grateful stepdaughter, while the rest of us gets mini BM's...
You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.
Sir Winston Churchill..
great SD :)
Thanks Fubar, for all I complain about BM and how awful she is to FH and SD, perhaps she's on to something, treats her kid like an indentured servant, is mean to her, doesn't provide for her, lets her sleep on a mattress on the floor, and generally tells anyone who will listen how bad she is, and somehow that results in HER having an angry, sullen resentful teen in the house, and we get an appreciative, helpful, fun kid who enjoys time spent with her "family" (in her words, her dad and me) and will spend more time in the living room with her dad and I than in her room with her computer, internet, videogames, etc.
B/c she's good in these ways, it makes me want to do anything I can to give her a better life, and provide the family she so desperately wants to be a part of....
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
who really cares??
no really...it doesnt seem like rite now BM is very interested in SD at all, so its unlikely she owuld be hesitant to it. and as far as going to YOUR familys...well, what BM doesnt knwo wont hurt her
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
I just feel like maybe
I just feel like maybe she'll react negatively just a sort of knee jerk reaction. Like if it was HER idea, she'd probably be psyched to get rid of SD for another day so she can play "family" with her husband and his spawn without the reminder of her "pregnant and unmarried at 17" staring her in the face. But if FH was the one initiating it, she'd fight it just to fight for HER FAMILY... I don't know if that makes any sense....
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
no it does
but shes not thinking of whats best for her kid rite now. i know u dont want to make waves, but if that request does then so be it. FH could use the old "well, since we dont have anything formal in place, i was wondering what u (BM) are doing for christmas, and if u dont have plans, we would like to have SD."
not really kissing her butt to have SD, but treading litely kinda. u dig?
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
I think that's a very good
I think that's a very good approach, I'll suggest it to him if I can get him on board with the idea. I know my parents would be THRILLED to have her, I'm an only child, and not having any kids of my own, someone to treat like a grandchild is more than welcome.
It really seems like BM doesn't do much in terms of thinking about what is best for SD. She thinks about herself, and her new family, and if she's got any brainpower after all that, maybe SD. This is nothing new. To BM SD is like an old doll that doesn't look as cute as it used to, especially in the light of the two brand new dolls a spoiled child just got. In the way, and an afterthought. At our house, SD is always considered, she's our only child (other than the fur babies anyway!) and we try to always include her in anything special going on in our lives.
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
yeah and i wouldnt say about ur parents unless BM presses
may just add unneeded fuel to the fire. like i said, what she doesnt know wont hurt her
youre a great SM and youre family is awesome too...ur SD is lucky to have u, but amazingly, i think she already knows that!
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
It's true, I think she got
It's true, I think she got special pleasure b/c she told FH that SD was HIS responsibility, and too bad if we made plans to visit my family for the thanksgiving holiday, HE just wouldn't be able to go, b/c she needed him to drive SD around instead.
she's such a *^&%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
Aww - get the poor girl for Xmas
Hey girl I know you hate to feel like you are even rocking the boat but in this instance I would just go ahead and ask. I agree with the girls and from what you are saying she is not even interested in SD right now. The only problem I foresee is that it sounds like she is having that baby any minute now and I bet you anything she is going to want sd around all the time and sd is going to wind up doing mostly everything in the house and running around helping with the baby. I feel bad for her it sounds like she is going to get a lot dumped on her. Good luck and congrats again on your engagement - that is wonderful!
I'm just afraid she might
I'm just afraid she might turn around and say "forget it you can't see her at all" and then FH will be sooo disappointed, I will too, having a kid around, even an older one like SD, makes the holidays so much fun. I spend a ton of money and time buying her gifts this year, and I'd love to be able to spend Christmas day with her enjoying them....
I'll ask FH how he feels about it all, and tell him I rethought the whole thing. I bet he'll want to err on the side of caution though and just ask for her for Christmas eve....
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
Feel the situation
out with BM. I mean when he goes to ask, feel her mood and then ask or not. I personally think you SHOULD ask, as SD deserves a great Christmas that she obviously isn't gonna get otherwise!
I wish I could do the
I wish I could do the talking, I am way more manipulative than DH }:) I know I'd be able to get her to allow it, but FH is such a wuss when it comes to BM, all she has to do is call him a deadbeat who does nothing for his kid, and he caves....:O
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
I agree with Bella
have FH bring it up lightly, like there's no big plans and see what BMs "up to" and if she say ok for Christmas Day- definitely leave out the parent's house. The fewer details, the better at this point.
I'll keep my fingers crossed for you- it sounds like your SD could use some "normalcy" in her life, and your family sounds just like the perfect place for it!
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
we're definitely trying, but it's a frustrating tango,
feels like it's always one step forward for two steps back with some silly dosey doe in the middle, just for giggles....
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
Northernsiren
Here's hoping your BM is having a bigheaded baby.
I always feel so bad for your SD, the words Cinderella come to mind. That girl has got to feel like you are the fairy godmother.
well if it takes after her and her new hubby
we know it will at least be "big" :sick
Between FH and I, we certainly try to be a family for her. I know, despite my frustrations with him, he's become ALOT more assertive with his parental rights since I have become a part of his life. I think because he can now offer her a family, not just dad and his bachelor pad, take out food, etc. We have made a nice home together, and made sure SD had her own special room, and a "role" in our house as a person and as a kid, so while she has responsibilities, she is accepted and loved for who she is here, and encouraged to be the person she wants to be, and the best she can be.
Every time I feel bad for her though, I remind myself that many MANY kids are in her situation, and DON'T have a northernsiren and loving dad to try to make a difference in their life. She certainly does not have it easy, but at least she gets love and acceptance from us, even one day a week is better than some who have none at all....
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
Hopefully, BM will be all wrapped up in the new baby
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
to stop and think that that would mean SD won't be around to do the clean up. Apparently BM's only reason for having custody of SD in the first place.
Go ahead. Do what your heart tells you to.
There are so many things I would willingly do for SD13, because she is a sweetheart. Unfortunately, H's infatuation with SD17 keeps me quiet many times, when I would say "Let's take SD13"
here or there, because then I would be miserable as H would insist SD17 would be included.
oh don't forget the CS!!!
oh don't forget the CS!!! That enabled BM to set up a shrine de tacky of christmas crap on her frontlawn. Isn't that awesome? SD sleeps on a mattress on the floor and lives on ramen noodles and dollar store cereal, and Bm has money to waste on that crap??? Seriously, when will they make CS payments itemized? I'd love to see that....
I'm surprised miserable SD17 isn't so infatuated with her friends she'd rather be caught dead than hanging out with her "lame dad". I would think a $20 bill would buy you guys ample opportunity to take SD13 on nice times with family. Hopefully SD13 will still be up for family time if SD17 actually gets her butt out of the house at 18, and you'll still be able to have special times with her, I'm sure it would make her feel really special...
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
sad isnt it?
NCPs get bled DRY, even if it means the "new" family has to suffer (in our case, Dh wouldnt even be able to pay for the mortgage and put a roof over him and SS who came before SD if it werent for me) but no one cares or hold the CPs accountable for where that HUGE paycheck goes. what a gross display of irresponsiblity on the courts.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
For a while before I came on
For a while before I came on the scene, FH had a roommate, and shared a 2 bedroom sh*thole with the guy. SD slept on their couch when she visited, that's all he could afford with the CS being so high. BM, meanwhile, bought a house, and his CS was basically paying her mortgage. That's acceptable though....
Now I'm here, we got the CS reduced by almost 1/2, and my income (or currently unemployment) has allowed us to get a big new 3 bedroom place, SD has her own room of course, and assuming I find another job, we will be saving for a house. Seems like that's the only way guys get out of this forever owing the BM, to find a SM who's willing to pull some of the weight, and build a life....
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
Northern.....I'd give anything
to see the day when they hold custodial parents accountable for CS.
Sia---cs accountability
I guess like many things, the first step to recovery is admitting there is a problem. I mean, I believe that there was a time where many MANY men shirked their financial responsibilities to their offspring. Some of you ladies on this board may very well have grown up with a single mom raising you and a dad who didn't show up or send a dime. Back then, there wasn't a whole lot legally that could be done, but the pendulum has swung too far the other way. Good decent men who WANT to do the right thing by their children are being taken to the cleaners by deadbeat MOMS who see popping out a kid as a meal ticket, and the legal system backs them up with archaic formulas that have little in the way of practical application. I too would love to see a system where BM was expected to contribute at least on a comparable level to support as the biodad is expected to. I'd LOVE to see the CS go into an account, and see BM making that same contribution, out of which regular payments of childcare, allotments for groceries, etc could be made, even a reasonable allowance for rent, and gas, sure. Anything above and beyond had to be agreed on by both parents, private school, camps, field trips, etc.
At age 18, any balance can be applied to skids education.
Somehow I think there'd be a lot of skids with hefty college funds if the only thing that came out of that account was legit skid expenses....
Think about filling out your taxes, the way you have to itemize, it's so complicated the average American can't even do it themselves. And that's just taxes, unemployment, soc. sec. student loans, etc. it's true for all. Clearly the gov. has no problem imposing ridiculous amounts of red tape and paper pushing on it's citizens to access the system, why is CS exempt?
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
I soooo agree with you!
I'm not sure if you remember goingcrazy? She used to be here and left a while back. She and her DH started a nonprofit organization called Fathers In Action that is working to help stop some of the nonsense that these men go through. Ya know, the media really plays up the "single mom" card all the time, but what about single dads? You never hear about them, or their struggles. I mean, male or female, being a single parent is a nightmare. My mom was a single mom, but my dad paid CS and she genuinely spent it on us and our needs. BUT, she actively participated in PAS. Another story....
I just hope that out of someones struggles will come a day when men are treated fairly in the parenting arena. I think there are more men out there who want to do the right thing with their children than there are those that don't.
youve got it northern
i was one of those kids who grew up w an absentee father who didnt send my mom a dime. but did she use it as an excuse to be lazy??? NO, she busted her ass, went to college and worked 2 jobs to provide for me and show me how to take care of myself like a good mother should. unlike BM who works PT at minimum wage just bc she CAN and the courts let her bleed my DH dry, ALL for a kid she CHOSE TO HAVE basically w/o his consent and KNOWING he didnt wanna have a kid w her.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
I hear ya bella!
Ours is a very similar situation bella, my FH had a single mom who busted her ass to raise 4 kids. Then at 17, the BM decides she doesn't want to lose her boyfriend, so stops taking her birth control. 14 yrs later, here we are. It still is a slap in the face to see SD's school id card on our fridge with her birthday X/X/1994 on it. That's the year FH and I graduated high school!
FH went on to go to college, get a decent job, all that. BM used to bag groceries part time, but quit that to push out more puppies and be on state healthcare, and live off CS! I try to keep that in perspective, as sick as it makes me to see her acting this way, it drives FH nuts, b/c he saw what his mom went through to step to the plate and take care of her family instead of being a selfish biotch!
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
oh, bella, if only that would workl
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
But SD17 has no friends. She told me she doesn't like girls, because she doesn't trust them (we all think others are like ourselves till proven different, huh?). And there are limits to what her bf can do-he's 16, and his parents do occasionally make a stand. Plus, SD17 would never miss an opportunity to kiss up to Daddy. Plus, no she will not be leaving at 18. She will be going to community college in the very town she lives in now.
no friends???
Jeez when I was that age, that's all it took for me, I'd be out the door as long as I could stretch that money, let me tell ya!! What a weird kid, who'd rather suck up to her dad than be social with kids her own age. Personally I read "I don't like girls b/c I don't trust them" as the girls don't like me b/c I did XYZ say nasty things, etc" But that's just my take. And when I was 17 most of my friends were guys, so it's not just about girls. Ugh, your SD sounds very ummm, hard to like? (northernsiren is trying to be nice here..)
And she's not going to get an apt or anything? She;s staying????? Well, this is all neither here nor there b/c they're ALL going to be leaving bewitched place much sooner than they realize eh?
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
When I was in
high school, I had mostly all guy friends. I played softball and basketball with them outside of school. Plus my male cousin and I were really close, so his friends became mine. I did not like high school girls....I found them to be snotty, and way too competitive. They also had no sense of self. If one came to school with her hair cut, the next day they would all have the same hair???? I like individuality. I did have a few female friends, but my drinkin buds were all guys. They never cared what purse you had or if your clothes were name brand. But, BW your SD sounds just too weird.
Yep. That's right, northern.
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
My son actually works with a young guy from here, who knows SD17-hes a year older. His description of her is-she's a snotty beytch.
Which of course makes it difficult to have friends.
We I asked her about scholarships and going to the counselor for help w/them, she said "The cousnselor doesn't like me". So I said, how about the principal of the school, then. She said "He doesn't like me either".
Lets face it. She's a...well, you know. I know it. her mom knows it. her sister knows it. Just "Daddy" chooses not to see it.
sad future....
ah yes, the "they don't like me" excuse. I tried that once, and my parents said "Okay, assuming that's true, then are you really going to give them the satisfaction of seeing you fail? If you REALLY want to get them where it hurts, SUCCEED! MAKE them give you a good grade, do all your work and do it well, and they'll have no choice but to give you a good grade. If they don't like you, that's the best thing to do"
So much for that argument in my parents house....
Miserable little shrew that she is, I'm sure she wouldn't even get that point....ugh I feel kind of sorry for her, what a sad future she has in store for her...
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
I don't feel sorry for her-she's done it all to herself
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
For instance-keep in mind that SD17 lived here until she was 14-then moved 30 miles away to BM's home. So she knows the kids here.
We took SD17 out to lunch. The waitress was SD17's age. they knew each other from when SD17 lived here. Sd17 says to H "That's so and so. She's a bitch" referring to the waitress.
Waitress walks by, smiles nicely, says "Hi, SD17". SD17 crosses her arms over her chest, and (in a very snotty, uppity tone) Hello. No smile. No greeting. Just a "why the hell did you bother speaking" to me response.
And so it goes. She is reaping what she sows.
oh no I completely agree,
oh no I completely agree, it's just sad down the road the life she'll have. teenagers aren't playing with an entirely full deck to begin with, and yours seems even a few cards shorter than most. It's sad to go through life being disliked and so so so negative towards everyone else. You are correct though, never too young to learn the meaning of "you reap what you sow"
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein