because he was doing everything that site mentioned. It got so bad, I got counseling for myself (because he refused to go) and the counselor suggested I write a letter to him about it. It did not make him stop his behavior- it took something really drastic to do that. This was the gist of my letter:

Dear DH,

I am seriously considering leaving you. You allow your ex-wife and kids to disrespect both of us. I can't take it anymore.

I grew up with divorced parents. My dad cheated on my mom* (*note: I did not find this out until I was 18, because my parents believed that children shouldn't be burdened with such details). I grew up with stepparents. If I ever acted towards my stepparents the way your kids do to me, there would be he** for me to pay. If I ever acted towards my biological parents the way your kids do to you, I'd have he** to pay also.

Granted, my parents' divorce and post-divorce relationship was much different from that of you and your ex-wife's. My parents NEVER EVER b**ched about each other to or in front of me and whenever I b**ched about my stepmother to my mom she would say, "I expect you to be RESPECTFUL to your stepmother. When you are at your Dad's house, you must obey her and do as she says." Same went for my stepdad- my dad always told me I didn't have to love or like my stepdad (or stepmom for that matter) but I was going to be RESPECTFUL. That was NON-NEGOTIABLE.

I know your kids have a lot to deal with because of your ex-wife, but you still need to hold them accountable for their actions towards both of us. I know this is a serious example, but if your kids grew up and killed someone because their mom told them she doesn't like them, would the judge say, "oh, it's OK, SDs, that you killed this person because your mom said so. You bear no responsibility. You only pulled the trigger on the gun and ran from the scene of the crime, and you are free to go and won't get in trouble?" HE** NO! The judge would sentence them just like they do for anyone else and force them to take responsibility for their actions. YOU NEED TO START DOING THAT NOW!!! Otherwise, your kids WILL grow up to be criminals! I guarantee it!

I agree with you that your daughters have problems. But instead of allowing them to disrespect us, a much healthier thing for you to do for them would be to get them counseling. There, they can learn healthy & appropriate ways to deal with their anger and problems.

About your ex-wife. You're right. I DO loathe that woman. She takes all of the child support you send her and spends it on herself. I know you know this, but don't know how to deal with it. Unfortunately, I don't think there's anything we can do about it. What WE CAN call her out for is her badmouthing us to the kids, withholding visitation, and being mean. Actually, this is more your job than mine. These are your kids and this is your ex. If I had children and their dad was badmouthing me to/in front of them, you had better believe I'd let that guy have it. You need to start sticking up for me, your kids, yourself, and your rights as a your kids' father to her. Will she like it. Nope. But does it need to happen in order to make the situation better? A BIG YES!!!

You need to set boundaries with her. For example, if she just has a question about one of the SDs, she can email YOU (NOT ME!!!) and she can only call if it's an emergency about/relating to one of the SDs (i.e. one of them is in the hospital, one of her parents/relatives died, etc). You need to make up a list of stuff she can email about and emergencies she can call you about. You also need to threaten her for withholding visitation. I would suggest you call our lawyer and have him send her a nice letter telling her you'll be taking her to court for withholding visitation.

Do I let how I feel about your ex impact my relationship with your kids? Yes. I apologize for that. I know it's wrong. I will apologize to them for it. I know it's not their fault for the poor parenting they receive from both of you. I really do think they're good kids at heart and are in a conflicted state right now. I want to help them. But as long as you continue to guilt-parent them and treat us like crap, and allow their you are making it impossible for me to even get a little close to them. I can't get close to people who are so rude to me. You need to get them counseling & start laying down the law to them. Guilt-parenting is not helping them; it's only making it worse. They already have a pathetic parent in BM. ALL kids deserve two good parents, but unfortunately, that is not always reality. Therefore, it is even more urgent that you start being a PARENT and not a buddy. I know you can do it. It's the only way your kids will have a shot at all at turning out to be decent people. We do not need any more criminals in this world.

I love you, DH, and I want what's best for you and the kids. But in order for the kids' and BM's behavior to change, and my feelings to change, YOU need to change.