Depressed; need to vent!
I am so sick of the "wall" between DH and me. I swear, the man just CAN'T let himself be happy. We have been at an impasse for weeks, and I am really at a loss here.
First of all, we don't have any Zippy's or anything running around here that need our 24/7 attention like some of you poor gals/guys do. His kids are grown and, luckily, have been wonderful of late. My own daughter is 16, but she is so involved in school, sports, etc., it's not like she's the Zipster who needs our constant guidance.
We live well, we should be having the time of our lives (as I know many of YOU look forward to...) No; all he does is bitch, whine, moan, whether it be that I teach two nights a week (oh, he LOOVES the extra money, however), that I don't clean up properly after I cook, blah blah.
We live like brother and sister anymore. There is no intimacy. And, believe me, this is NOT the man I married. He'd rather park his ass in front of the TV and watch NCAA bball games all night than crawl in bed anymore. Maybe he has a lower libido than when I met him, but God, we've only been together 5 years!! (And he was just to the doctor, I think she's having him try Cialis; at least he DID acknowledge to her that there's a problem, but all other blood work came back fine).
Here is the kicker....youngest SD, at my urging, and her hubby are coming here Sat and will probably stay the weekend. No problem. Buy, guess who will then be hanging all over me, calling me "honey", showering me with kisses, to put on a SHOW about how happy we are? Well, of course, DH.
I already told him I am not a hypocrite, and I'm not "playing" happy couple just so his D can "report" back to other family members about how HAPPY Daddy is. Why can't he act like that when it's JUST US? And, that's the scary thought....some day it WILL BE just "us"...is this what I have to look forward to
Me working, coming home, doing MY THING, while he totally ignores me and does HIS thing?
I must add this.....a man I used to date (rather seriously) a few years ago began teaching where I teach. He suggested we get together to "catch up", so we met up for a happy hour last week and, kids, I had a blast. I would NEVER cheat on my hubby, but if felt so good to LAUGH....he now sends me cute little texts, hoping I have a great day, telling me how great I looked, etc....all those things I only WISH my H would still do.
It IS tempting as he told me he wishes we were still together.
I think that's what's depressing me...why does this man see how awesome I am and to my H, I am just someone to put $$$ in the checkbook? (And, I know how we tend to "idealize" a past realtionship and make it seem great....but when I was with the other man, we both had smaller kids and not a lot of time for each other.) H and I could have all the time in the world. We're supposed to go to Cancun next Friday...there's a part of me that feels like I'm going to get on the plane alone. I don't know if H will be able to handle a whole weekend ALONE with just ME. I'm sure he'll be running to cyber cafes to Email SDs and check sports scores which will drive me INSANE.
Need to vent; if I'm NOT in this boat alone, please share your stories with me. Again, if I were some sports-hating fuddy duddy, I would understand this. I am pretty damn COOL, and I don't feel like I deserve this treatment.
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Time To
Renew the Woo!
Cancun are you kidding me!!!-what a perfect opportunity to buy some fancy lingere, good wine-dine and dance and bring the Cialis!
Honestly do something fun and different in Cancun-make wonderful memories!
Sounds like you need some of DH's undivided attention!
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!
If he wants to be
a boring blob all day long, you shouldn't have to be the same way! Go out and have fun. You don't deserve to be stuck with that stinker.
I'm so sorry that DH has changed for the worst, but you know what? If that man is not making you happy, you need to start some serious thinking. Do you want to be with this man for the rest of your life... who just lies around and bitches and moans? Or do you want to be with a man who loves you and shows it every day?
Have you tried talking about all of this with him?
The thing that scares me
is that he has two brothers (in their mid 50's, both divorced for decades, never a date....they live with "mamma") who are just resigned to be with mamma. When one of them finally leaves the house on Thurs nights to play darts, H is expected to go spend the entire evening with mamma. Others on this site have expressed that this is unnecessary. She chain smokes, eats like a fiend....I just wonder if he feels GUILTY for having another WOMAN (ME!!!!) in his life! An hour or two would be sufficient. But this is NOT UP FOR debate. He WILL sit there with her. So, yeah, I have tried to talk to him about this, but then I'm a "nag"...
H's first wife left him for a younger man and never looked back. (NO BM problems here, in fact, I can speak with her cordially. ) I'm just really beginning to look at the "dynamics" here and wonder if H (and his brothers) are incapable of an intimate relationship. Again, it was NOT like this in the beginning. Not with H anyway.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt
Maybe
he has the empty nest syndrome if men can get that im not sure.It sounds like you two just need some fun to reconnect emotionally and all else will follow so go to cancun and have a blast!!!!
Hugs to you...vent away!
I can really empathize wtih what you're going through. My fh is acting like your guy. Mine's constantly depressed or angry or some lovely combination thereof. I feel alot of the time that he literally sucks the life and the joy right out of me. I want to be happy with him, but he is admittedly unhappy with himself right now.
I am also at the point where I can see an affair looming on the horizon. He claims he wants to be with me and loves me, yadda yadda yadda...but I miss the way we used to be when we were first dating. He used to be so amazing...and now he seems like a big pile of crap most of the time. Funny thing is he accuses me of being the same way...not the girl he fell in love with. I dont' know who's right...I'm sure there's something valid in what he's saying but I am not the same girl because he behaves differently...he makes me feel crappy, our life is miserable alot, so I can't help but behave less than happy and not be the glowing, happy girl I was. I tried for a long time though heaps of crap to make it work and still be me, but he sucks the life out of me. I know I come home angry about work and stuff too, but I always try to show him love and affection even when we fight...not so with him.
I enjoy when guys treat me nice and I can feel that I'm craving that more than ever now. I wouldn't cheat on him, but I do wonder if our relationship will last. I keep telling fh that I love him and will weather any storm we have in our life, but he himself is so relentlessly unhappy that I don't know how much longer I can take it. I know he's having problems of his own that are unrelated to us, and I'm trying to stand by him...but I don't feel appreciated. I'm not his kids...my love isn't unconditional...I don't have to spend my life in his misery, I can choose to move on to make myself happy w/o him....but for now I'm staying and trying to support him through his unhappy time.
I would highly highly recommend you both start counseling...do a couples thing and both have individual sessions. I'm seeing alot of improvement with fh's overall behavior...although he is still very much struggling with his own 'problems' right now.
Hugs Kat...hang in there girl!
H
Now you know why the first one ran off with a younger man. Insist that he get his hormones checked and tell him what you want and what you expect from him. If you dont want to tell his face send him an email at least later he can't say he never knew there was a problem.
I agree, you need to sit him
I agree, you need to sit him down and tell him what you want. If he's not willing to try to make some changes, then I'd think seriously about leaving and moving on with your life. And your right...when your daughter leaves the house...it will just be the two of you. And if your not connecting now..you probably won't be then either. I would also lay down some rules for the trip or not go on it. Tell him, you are looking at this trip as you two reconnecting and if doesn't have any plans to work toward that..then I wouldn't go with him. Take a girlfriend, you'd probably have more fun! And I sure wouldn't act as though everything is perfect when his kids are over for the weekend.
Blood work
Did they check his testosterone? I don't mean to sound like a broken record but DH and I were in the same boat just a few weeks ago. My DH just turned 47 yesterday and he will tell you himself the difference the shot made. No matter how much I discussed with him nothing changed until he actually got the shot. Things have turned around 110% for us in ALL areas.
Did they check your DH for that??
"OCD sucks"
Habit and routine have an unbelievable power to destroy.
--Henri de Lubac
Thanks...
I am definitely making him take this route. All of his other bloodwork was good, but he hasn't been to the urologist in a few years. (My H is 51, btw, so I'm really thinking that it's the testosterone, too.)
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt
This is funny and I should mention
DH came into my office last week and was asking me when he got his first shot - "How long has it been, three weeks or two?" Then he said "It's about time for the second one too, I don't want to forget it." He says it right in from of my assistant so it doesn't appear to embarrass him at all!! LOl.
He knows how much of difference it has made. He can't wait to see what the next one does.
"OCD sucks"
Habit and routine have an unbelievable power to destroy.
--Henri de Lubac
Sounds all too familiar
I could have written your post 3 years ago when I was still with my ex. Unfortunately I DID end up having an affair and ended up leaving then divorcing him because I just wasn't happy. Mine also liked to act like the devoted husband and showed all sorts of affection in public or around others but behind closed doors it was totally different. I honestly don't know what I could have done differently. I am not proud of myself for cheating on him but he honestly drove me to it. It is nice to get the attention we need from a man, it is just too bad it wasn't my husband.
Would your DH be open to counseling? Have you told him how you feel? Mine wouldn't go to counseling and every time I tried to talk to him about our relationship he always blamed me for our problems. Good luck, but if things don't start changing and he isn't open to change then you might have to consider leaving him for your own good and happiness.
Must be in the water
I could have written your post because that's exactly what happened to me too. When it was just me and exH he barely noticed I was alive. Around other people he was so affectionate. I always thought why can't he be like that when we're alone? Needless to say, when I finally left exH people were shocked because as far as they knew, we had the "perfect" marriage. People automatically blamed me because everyone thought my H was perfect. If only they knew the truth.
KittyKat, I would definitely urge hubby to see a urologist like someone else mentioned. He may be just as depressed and concerned about his lack of libido as you are, but you know how reluctant many guys are to talk about this. They don't want to appear weak.
Oh, KK, I feel your pain
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
and I've only been married 8 months! Every time H is home he wants some member of his family here for the weekend-this weekend it's his mom. There is no door on our arched bedroom-so having overnite guests means-you guessed it-no privacy or intimacy.
The man is stressing me out-screaming. yelling. Baby.
So yes, I understand your vulnerability towards your male friend. I had the same feel when the emergency med flight guy I used to date came over around Christmas. And kicked myself firmly in the behind-once again-for marrying H. But marry him I did. And I will be faithful as long as I have vows to uphold.
But just wait until I'm on my financial feets again....:wink:
miserable men
Been there done that. My ex H was just like that.........nothing would please him. He would ignore me all the time . The only attention I did get was when he complained about something I did or didnt do . I left him years ago and never looked back. Thank God I didnt waste to much time with him. Life is way to short to be that miserable!! Good luck
One of the most valuable things I learned from my divorce
Is that men are idiots (no offense to the guys on here, I'm sure YOU are not idioits
). But seriously, all you can do is decide what you need, communicate that to him, and accept nothing less. My ex really did try, but I never wanted to tell him he was failing because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. Lessons learned. New husband takes me out to dinner... as we're walking out the door I stop him, look deep into his eyes, and say "tonight we are on a date, you will hold the car door, you will pull out my chair for me, you will pick up the check (as I slip him the bank card), you will pull the car up to the door if its's raining and so on. When we get home you will...." I'll leave that to your imagination. My point is that I tell him in no uncertain terms what I expect from him romantically. I wish I didn't have to, but I really only have two choices. 1) let him muddle through and be mad that he didn't meet my expectations but never say anything because then I just sound like a bi#$% or 2) tell him what I want and be slightly miffed that I had to spell it out, then sit back and enjoy the pampering. I always go for the low-dissappointment option #2.
KK I feel your pain!!!!
I feel like I only have a relationship with FH on the weekends. During the week he is mr workaholic and comes home late every night cuz you know in his own mind he is just so important, eats, complains about work, drinks beer, belches and farts (sorry you guys) sits on the bed and just lays there like a SLOTH. He has gained 40lbs in the 3 years together and I am still the same weight. He is 48 and I am 40. He never wants to do anything or go anywhere cuz he is just sooo tired. I'm like can we go to dinner, no I'm tired, can we take the dogs for a walk, no I'm tired, can we have sex, I'd love to honey but I'm tired. WTF! I'm starting to feel like I am 80 years old. Friday through Sunday it is like he comes ALIVE and is completely different person. We totally have fun and go out around town and do a lot of things. My son is 22 and his kid is 16 and lives far away so we rarely see her so we should be having the time of our lives as well traveling and having fun. The only way we ever go anywhere is if I TELL him this is what we are doing this weekend coming up - where is your credit card???. He is relationship RETARDED. I agree with what Harley has to say and I have said as much to my FH - that he needs to get his testosterone checked because otherwise it is going to be like I am living with a gay roomate (no offense) but if that is the case they would even be more FUN!!!!