I hate school functions
I just need to get this out.. Last night we went to sd's performance. I have no problem supporting dh and going to things for the skids and of course I want him to come with me when my bd performs too, but geez is it stressful. Mil and her husband were there too and of course bm.
Thankfully, I do not have issues with bm and she does not cause drama but the whole experience itself just sucks. No matter how friendly things are, I feel so awkward and out of place. It is so odd to have to be the outsider and watch the "family" interact. What I mean by family is mil, sd and bm. I know that they have history and all but it is so hard to have to be there and feel like I do not belong. No matter how I try to feel good about it all, sometimes is takes all I have to deal with it. Dh and I parent so differently and of course he and bm are on the same page, as is mil. this is not family to me.I just hate how being step changes everything. I used to really enjoy school performances and that type of family stuff. Now I just dread it all. Sometimes I feel like step removes a layer of satisfaction from your life. I guess I need to figure out a way to deal with all of this. Does anyone else feel this way and how do you cope.?
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Just be pleasant to them
We go to the SDs' school events all the time and see BM's folks there all the time. My DH does go up to them & say hi, as do I, but it feels awkward for me (even though I don't let it show). Something that has helped me cope is to remember that the reason we're all here is for the kids. I know how much the SDs love seeing their grandparents. In fact, I think it's even more crucial that their grandparents are there because BM never goes to anything for them. My advice would be to go up to BM and MIL and say hi and make friendly talk with them for, say, 5 minutes (give yourself a time limit for talking with each of them). Then after the function, go up to SD, give her a big hug and kiss, tell her how much you love her, and how proud you are of her. That's nice to hear that you and BM get along.
It is about the kids
whether they are bio or step...I know that doesn't really make it any easier, but that has to be the focus. My SD4's BM hates my guts and would sooner see me dead than see me enjoying time with HER daughter...but you know what? That is HER problem...not mine. I am there for SD and I am not gonna let some crazy woman ruin that for me or DH or SD. I also agree that you should be cordial and exchange pleasantries - but you don't have to spend the entire time with "the others"...just explain to your DH that you are uncomfortable and ask him to be extra affectionate with you while you are there. In the end, the SKids are usually happiest to have ALL their family members there to support them.
I
I
I thank god I do not have to
I thank god I do not have to deal with this stuff...because yes I would definitely feel the same way! I'm sorry you have to deal with it
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
I would
ask the step child if he/she wanted me to go. I would only go if she/he really wanted me there and would understand if they prefer I didn't.
It is the kid's performance/childhood. If anyone were uncomfortable with it, I'd schedule a massage for myself. It is only a few a year and in the overall scope of things --come to an end quickly.
I think it depends on if you are an EOW step or raising the child.
I don't have to deal with this either
and sorry but if it came up you couldn't drag me there. I would always find an excuse to be busy. The only thing I will attend is SD16 graduation from high school. If you don't feel comfortable quit torturing yourself and don't go. I forgot how old your skid(s) are but do you really think they will be upset? Unless of course they were little?
I feel the same way
I completely agree with you and feel the same way. When I married my DH I never thought that I would feel like an outsider in my NEW family. Being a Step does change everything.
I to have to deal with the Ex's (mine and my DH) at all school functions/sporting events. It sometimes takes away the enjoyment factor of being there in the first place. I don't know how to deal with it either.
When we go, I just hold my head up as high as I can and walk with confidence. But inside, i'm just being torn apart by the emotions of dealing with a family I don't feel apart of, i do my best to not let them know how I feel.
My DH was driving 10 hours to attend, until
suddenly SD would 'forget' to tell him there was a special event. He attended her first band performance, her father/daughter dance, her play, dealt with the creepy ex and in-laws each time, until we realized we were no longer being invited.
I went too once and we just said Hi to ex and her bf of the time and that was it. We live so far away because BM is untreated bi-polar, alcoholic and 911 happy but he was still driving, paying hotel, etc. to be part of the SD's life, until BM/SD decided to cut him out!
Now at least he is on her school website to see SD's horrific attendance and grades. I guess now he could contact the school and find out dates etc. but if SD won't invite him I guess they don't want him there. They still conveniently say he abandoned them despite endless examples of how they push him away, whatever.
I would go just because I love to see stuff like that and to show, you are there and you are not going away - HA!
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
it is all so sad
how we end up in this place. We start off getting ourselves into it because we love someone and we believe the love will be enough to make everything else not so bad... We end up in situations where we are the perpetual third wheel, always where we are not wanted. Hated for our existence, destroyed by those we try to give and show love to. So the progression goes, we slowly isolate ourselves and shut down.
I know how you feel.
I usually go
and it is very awkward, since we don't get along at all. But my SD has a concert in a couple of weeks, I will be staying home with BS2. I am due at the end of the month, thats my excuse...but I will have to come up with a new one next time.
It's tough
Trying to find peace, you hit the nail on the head. I go because dh wants me too and sometimes I think sd wants me there and sometimes I don't. I am always pleasant and friendly and make small talk with everyone. I know I am lucky that bm is not rude or bitchy about things and I am thankful. It is just tough to deal with.
As always, thank you ladies for listening.
I go to the kids
stuff with my DH. Many times we all end up sitting together, joy. I am okay with it except when she feels the need to invite my MIL instead of letting DH do it. OR not telling us about something like the winter ball she went to with the kids after work one night. The kids are bad about sharing info.
However I am now very familiar with the schools website.
Infact yours truly will be volenteering at my skids school on the 27th for their carnival.
I go to every single thing I can go to
I do this for three reasons. First, and lesser, because I'm spiteful
BM hates that I go but cannot stop me. For all her many faults, I know she won't make a scene like some of you have to deal with, so I go. I sit with her, I exchange pleasantries, etc. This is all relatively new and is due to the fact that she and her boyfriend always go to my DH's gigs. If they can show up there, than I can certainly show up at school functions.
Primarily though, SD8 is a liar. I believe she lies because she wants to tell us what she thinks we want to hear. I have never heard her express an opinion on anything! I think she tells us what she thinks we want to hear because she has loyalty issues. I figure if she can see me and BM sitting together and being friendly, maybe she will be more comfortable.
And finally...
Mondays we have soccer practice, Tuesdays are a church class, Wednesdays are youth group, Thursdays are soon going to be baseball practice (I think), Fridays are free, but Saturdays and Sundays are the soccer and baseball games. Our girls are on all the same teams. The only thing they have different this year is scouts and it'll be the same next year. So basically, if I avoided her, I'd never get to see my daughter do stuff... and I'd be exhausted from trying not to run into her!
Honestly, if you want to go and skids and DH want you to go... then go. It gets easier every time. My kids SM and I have a great time at events, now that some time has passed.