Well it came to blows last night
SD23 finally made me lose my temper. Again I went down to the kitchen to cook dinner for the family and there she was making brownies. I asked her what she was doing and she said making brownies, I said well I was going to make dinner and wanted in the oven by 6:00, guess that's not going to happen. And she said no probably not... Well I turned to walk away and she started yelling at me about how she had a right to cook for herself. I said you are making brownies, I need to cook dinner. And then she yelled "IT"S NOT YOUR KITCHEN!". I said and it's not your's. And we need to share. She kept yelling at me that it wasn't my kitchen so I said maybe we need a schedule and she yells I don't need your permission. I said I know Mary because you are self-centered and selfish and only care about yourself. She said look in the mirror. I said just shut up...And then she yelled you can't talk to me like that. Come back here. I went in our bedroom and shut the door. Of course when FH got home 15 minutes later she pulled the woe is me. Telling her dad she was going to go live in her car. That no one wanted her here and she was unloved...yada yada yada. I stayed upstairs. When he finally came up he asked me why his daughter was going to go live in her car. I told him exactly what happaned. We talked for about 1 1/2, then he said he was going to his son's house. I asked why and he said to go talk to her. I said fine I am leaving too. He said why, I said because I am upset and I need to vent. He asked you are coming back right? I said yes I just needed to get out. So I came back 3 hours later and he was sitting on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands and it looked like he had been crying. I asked him waht was wrong and he said "She's not coming back." She won't come back because of you.
Then I got to hear about how horrible I treat her, how I have wanted her out from the beginning and that I talk terrible to her. I have put up with her behavior for 20 months now. I have never said anything until today.
So now he says he is stuck in the middle and doesn't know what to do. I say fine I will leave. He asid no that won't solve the problem...well no shit becasue she is a spoiled rotten 23 year old who acts like she's 3. He said I asked her if she wanted you to leave and she said she didn't know what she wanted...YEA RIGHT. Of course she's not going to say it. She wants him to make the choice. That way it wasn't her idea. And then she can have what she wants - daddy all to herself.
Of course she thinks I am being horrible to her because I have started treating her the way she treats me. Non existant. So yea I would expect her to say that. I have refused to let her run my life anymore. I am done with walking on egg shells around the drama princess.
He even admitted that she exaggerated about everything when she was crying her poor eyes out about how I have runied her life. Somethinggs she cried about he was in the house and knew for a fact that she wasn't telling the truth.
So what does he say to that. Well it's not a matter of right or wrong - it is how she feels. Excuse me - but twisting everything around to make me look like a monster when the realty is if you told the truth no one would feel sorry for you isn't the actions of an adult. He keeps telling me she is an adult, not a child. Well she sure dosn't act like one.
So this morning he doesn't speak to me and I have no idea what it will be like when I get home...
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She is 23 freaking years
She is 23 freaking years old! If this guy seriously wants to marry you its not even a question.
Sounds like you can never win here. Either he blames you for alienating his princess and grows to resent you, or you deal with the princess and learn to grovel appropriately.
Or you can do what a 23 year old women should do and get the F out.
I'm so sorry for u...Liv.......
what a crappy situation....man I don't know how much time u have invested in this relationship, but I think I would just pack my shit and leave the "princess's" domain. I mean really, a twenty-three year old, still living with her Daddy and on top of it all...SHE is calling the shots?????...ummmm.... I don't think so.....I guess yur FH is in the middle, but only cuz he put himself there, as I see it....He should be like...look I raised you and now its MY turn to be happy so Livingona slipperslope comes first now....if Princess SD can't handle it....tell her to look for an apt..... hang in there....oh and when she's leaving tell her her brownies suck too....LOL :evil:
"Sooner or later, everyone's bill comes due"
23?
That is just ridiculous... first of all... I would have not cooked dinner, and then when DH got home and asked for it I would have been, like "there are brownies for dinner"... ANYWAY... we are talking about a 23 years old... she is not a little girl, she is a woman... (older than me, hehe) there is no reason for you to put up with this Sh$t...
If she wants to live in her car, fine! who cares? (IT is not your kitchen??????????) oh HELL NOOO... get the F#$K outta here!
LOL.....
better yet....tell her she can try and make microwave brownies on the heater of her car if its so f&^%ing important for her to do things when SHE needs to do them......
"Sooner or later, everyone's bill comes due"
Terrible
23 is definitly time for the WOMAN to move out. As for the kitchen-you and DH need to eat your meals on time-she can bake her brownies ANYTIME-or she can get a job and buy her own brownies (23 going on 12 I see).
Obviously she views herself as ruler of the roost and DH does NOT have a clue what to do.
If he puts her as #1 then you may have to re-think this relationship and he can have a nice life when she is finished sucking the life out of him and dumps him for a loser her age-DH will be spending his golden years ALONE as she will not give a rat's butt about him in his old age from her attitude now, and she will not let anyone stand in the way of her selfish needs.
Maybe show him some responses from the site-might give him some insight as to his next steps!
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!
AMEN...
"If he puts her as #1 then you may have to re-think this relationship and he can have a nice life when she is finished sucking the life out of him and dumps him for a loser her age-DH will be spending his golden years ALONE as she will not give a rat's butt about him in his old age from her attitude now, and she will not let anyone stand in the way of her selfish needs."
never seen
I've never seen a house or a kitchen big enough for 2 women. Its time for one of them to go. I cant imagine being married to this guy so you need to think about it before you sign the papers.
Did you move into his house where the family lived prior to you? I've never seen that work either because people are like animals and they are going to wet all over the property lines. Was the daughter living and growing up in that house before you got there?
Man oh man..
You need to talk to my friend sunshine on here..Same story, different names...
Oh how I know the pain
And yes you know mckenzie!!... SD20 was home last week from college spring break and when she come through the door an over sized hurricane seems to enter my house. My nerves are shot before she enters the house just knowing she is coming. She helps herself to any and everything. Your cloths, your kitchen, your vehicle, the living room becomes her domain with her spread all over the couch with her snacks and drink and shoes and blah blah blah.
My DH raised my two SD's and he feels so much guilt. SO therefore, his princess' do not know the word NO!
She went to a friends house saturday night and comes home at 11:00 p.m. SUNDAY night when we are all in bed to pack up her belongings to drive back to college. I was ticked!!! the dog was barking, my DH got up to see what she was doing and chit chat before her leaving and it was literally 1:00 a.m. monday morning before I could go back to sleep. He never said a word to her about coming in so late on a SUNDAY night and this is her routine when she comes home on weekends. She disappers saturday night comes dragging in LATE sunday night. There is no excuse for her behavior. She is very disrespectful.
If I say anything to my DH, it goes through ear and out the other or I hear "But its my daughter" Well your daughter is a disrespectful little a** and I dont like her.
This situation is hard and I feel for you!
Why on earth
is she still living with daddy to begin with? And this isn't just a temporary thing if it's been 20 months. You gotta tell him, either she goes or I go and considering what a little biotch she is it shouldn't be hard for you to mean it.
So the princess
wanted cookies. That's what her daddy would have been eating for dinner.
Draw a line in the sand. Life is too short. Don't let him choose, YOU CHOOSE. Can you live with this princess?
I feel for you here
My SD15 is the exact same way. What drives me up a wall is that I will buy something to make (like brownie mix, we don't normally have it in the house) and she will rummage through the pantry and find it and make it, without asking me. Then I come into the kitchen and there are the brownies I was planning to make for a special occasion. Plus, she 75 percent of the time screws it up (it's a mix, how hard can it be?!) and we end up having to throw them away.
My DH also would have the same reaction as your and back SD up. I'm the adult, she's just a kid, she needs to feel like this is her house too, yadda yadda. Your DH needs to get over it. Your kitchen, your rules. Unless he wants to start making dinner...
Somebody's got an Athena complex ...
Ok I am sorry but I have to be lil miss negatron.
At 23 why is this even open to debate?
My mother dated a man like that. I told her she will always be second in his life and if that is what she wants then she has no room to complain.
Same goes for you. If you continue to keep this man in your life and he continues to put his 23 year old over you - not that she is under 18 and needs his guidance and care as a child normally does - then you deserve all the heartache.
"Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves." ~ Abraham Lincoln
Seriously.....
Put your foot down and let your H-to-be know he should not tolerate his daughter's behavior towards you. Especially when the H whines...You're Putting Me In The Middle. HE is not in the middle. You are his wife (or soon will be), he should be by your side, supporting YOU at all times. His adult children do not get the consideration here. You do..He is supposed to be your partner.
If you don't deal with this now, regardless if she lives there or not, she will always rule your home whenever she walks in the door. And her children will learn from mom to treat you like crap too. You have to think long term affects of this relationship.
Once you are married things will not get better. Now is the time to set the boundaries and the limitations. If you live with this man, share the rent and expenses then it's your house too. It's time Princess Brownie-mix Enema takes a hike and gets the heck out of Daddy's house. Because she obviously won't be a grown up and respect you, your place in the house or your feelings.
Never eat more than you can lift.
Miss Piggy
LOL
Shaman I love your quote ... "Never eat more than you can lift." This is good life advice.
As for your comments, I have to say I completely agree.
"Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves." ~ Abraham Lincoln
Who cares if she does leave
Dh needs to decide who he is with. She is fully capable of supporting herself and if he does not back you in this, you are better off without him too.
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
Your FH is the problem here as well as SD
First of all I am so sorry to hear about these problems that you are having. Your FH needs to get his head out of his rear end and straighten out this mess. That is your HOME, you are going to be his WIFE, and that is the way that it is. I personally, would have thrown her ass out of the kitchen - there is only so much you can take! I went back and read your previous post and you have been dealing with this for 2 YEARS!!!! SD has a serious daddy complex and that is because your FH is allowing her behavior to continue. He needs to tell her if she can not treat you with the respect that you deserve then she needs to find someplace else to live, even if she has school! She can get a part time job. I agree with you - even when she graduates from college in June she will still be squatting in your basement - why do anything when she has a free ride? All your FH is doing is enabling her. Oh and one more thing - the comment that your FH made about him being in the middle? That is NOT acceptable. There is no middle. I think you should both talk to a therapist - it sounds like you really need a 3rd party to help straighten out this mess. You can talk to your FH til you are blue in the face and a lot of the time hearing what a 3rd party has to say works wonders. AND DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES TAKE ANY CRAP FROM SD AGAIN. Do not leave, do not hide, etc. Let her know that she does not intimidate you.
I have to say
I was shocked that you said FH was sitting on the bed crying about FSD not wanting to live with him at 23 yrs old. He should have been crying about you possibly never coming back!
I think this is a red flag.He seemed to care more about is grown daughter than his FW, that is not right.
make your choice, don't let him make it for you
Let him know that if he wants a life with you, he needs to stand up for you and put you first. If his daughter was still a child, then I guess I could see how he's have problems putting her feelings before yours but that's not the case.
I mean, seriously?! This woman is 23 years old!! If she's not independent and taking care of herself by now, then when will she? BF and I don't tolerate this kind of behavior from SD or SS and they are 11 and 9 years old. At 23 she should already be out on her own. She should be grateful for the huge favor that you and FH are doing for her. If she makes the "adult decision" to live in her car rather than respect you and FH's home then so be it. It's her choice. No one kicked her out.
Stand your ground and make up your mind. Obviously he's been letting her get away with behavior like this for years. It's not going to stop unless YOU put an end to it
What happened is b.s!!!!
All I can say is she's old enough...get the hell out!!! She's an adult sharing a home with another adult woman, of course there's going to be drama. Your man needs to set her straight because YOU are the woman of the house not her! Furthermore, mister man needs to know that he needs to back you, his partner, not his spoiled 23-y.o. child.
Here's what I think...it sounds like she is a f*up. She knows on some level she f'ed up her life because at 23 if she's not out of the house, there's a problem...and it's HER problem. There is no excuse for a 23 y.o. to be living at home. Even people who have serious disabilities want to live independently, so why is she resistant to being an adult, being responsible, and living out of the house? Sounds like she's got a problem and knows it, but is blaming you for her inadequacies. Your man needs to stick up for you.
Hugs.
update to came to blows
First I want to thank all of you. Reading your posts has given me the strethht to stand up to SD and FH.
Last night you could have knocked me over with a feather. FH stepped up to the plate big time. He told drama princess that unless she was willing to respect me and stop her behavior she wasnt welcome back. Oh she pulled out all the stops and the more he stood by me the worseI becasme in her eyes. She finally said living with me was like living in hell. OMG he got so mad he actually yelled at her. he told her she has had a cushy life and has no idea what hell is like.I have never heard him do this. She accused him of letting me throw her out. he reminded her that she left on her own. The phone call went on for 2 hours as she tried to persuade him to get rid of me. he stood his ground and told her I was a part of his life like it or not...So drama princess said its not my brothers job to take care of me and its not my friends so if you wont take care of me I will sleep in my car. He said fine let me know if you need any blankets, and she said yes I will be over to get them. He gave her the blankets and she drove off. Imagine a 23 year old who thinks its someone elses resonsibility to take care of her.
we have decided that unless she can sit down with me and we come to some resolution about the situation she was not welcome here. he even told me he understands why I lost my temper with her and he didnt blame me and was glad I did it.
I know we have a long way to go, but its a start!