DENIED!!!
We got a letter back from the court this past weekend, denying BM's motion to change custody. The letter states that my husband & BM should go back to mediation to reach an agreement (unless they can reach one on their own). If they cannot reach an agreement, it will go to court & the judge will decide one parent or the other.
The way we took the letter is that the judge wants BM to come to terms with things being the way they are. (Former SD living with her full-time because we have no legal claim on her, SD8 being with each parent every other week.) This is the "agreement" to be made because there is no other option other than going to court & having a custody battle. So, if we're understanding this properly, my husband doesn't have to do anything. It's all on BM.
So of course, BM skipped the entire point of the letter & is focusing on the mediation part. She sent an email the other day to the mediator & cc'd my husband. She's got to be kidding! What is a second round of mediation going to solve? The first one was absolutely pointless. And now, THERE IS NOTHING TO DISCUSS! The former SD issue is moot. The custody changing is not a mediation topic, that would be for court. If anything, they could nail down a holiday/summer schedule, but honestly, if BM wasn't such a pain in the ass, they could do that without mediation.
If they do end up back in mediation (to make the judge happy), they will go to someone different. The guy they went to was pretty incompetent. Plus, he would let BM talk about the past, but not my husband. WTF?!! BM's past (& present) behavior is the ONLY reason they have to even go to a mediator! She thinks that communicating means always agreeing with her. If you disagree with her, you don't know how to communicate! Grrrr...
It's always got to be something. BM couldn't just read that letter & back off. Nope. I'm sure she'll make sure we go to court, in which case she might lose...I'm sure she doesn't think that's possible, though. I still stand firm on my opinion that this is all a pathetic attempt to keep getting attention from my husband. I just want to tell her to get a life & move on already! It's been like 6 years. She's dated & lived with a full roster of men. What's her problem?!
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wonderful
Too bad BM just does not get it. Maybe someday when h*ll freezes over. Our BM expects BF to read between the lines when she emails him and when he does not get "it" according to BM its not a big deal.
ha ha
"She thinks that communicating means always agreeing with her. If you disagree with her, you don't know how to communicate! Grrrr..."
How true, how true!
Just be careful
I know it stinks, but if she pushes the mediation issue, your DH should go. Act all nice and like he is actually making an effort. It will all go into the mediator's report.
If he refuses to attend (even though I agree, it will likely be pointless) she can say to the judge...see? He won't communicate with me.
This happened to my DH...BM was always wanting to go to mediation over the most ridiculous things...like me painting my SD4's toenails blue...so he just stopped going. He told her no. So she cried to the judge about it and DH actually got slapped for it because the judge said if they were going to effectively joint parent then he had to be willing to have discussions about these things...and if he didn't want to then the judge would award her sole custody!!
We DID fight back tho - and made sure that a process was put in place for discussions PRIOR to requesting mediation - so that she can't just rack up all these mediation bills and expect DH to pay half for silly little things.
Just a warning...tread carefully.
Thanks, mom2anb
Your advice is appreciated, especially having gone through it yourself.
My husband & I discussed what to do next last night (up until midnight yet again discussing BM; I'm sure she would love to know that!). We came up with one game plan, but when I woke up this morning (after very little sleep), I had a different plan. And it's pretty much what you said!
My husband is going to call BM tonight & ask her what day & time works best for her for mediation. He's going to make it clear that they will try a different mediator, which he will arrange. He'll even get a referral from family court if it makes her feel better about finding someone new. If she gives him a hard time about going to a new mediator, I'm not sure what we'll do. (And knowing BM, she WILL fight him on this.) I guess we'll cross this bridge if we get to it.
The thing is that BM is going to reopen the court issue no matter what we do -- we are 99% sure of this. The email she sent the other day was yet again, basically threatening my husband. (You'd better believe the judge will see all these lovely emails she sends!) She said that if my husband didn't respond to her email within a certain amount of time, she would reopen the court issue. (This is probably because my husband has started ignoring her irate emails.) So she has given my husband no other option than going back to mediation with her. Otherwise, she will immediately go to the court & yes, my husband will look bad. This is why it hit me this morning that my husband needs a new approach to this.
#1, no more email contact. BM abuses this option. We wanted to use email to pass on important info about SD8. BM rarely uses it for this. She uses it to be passive-aggressive & create problems that don't exist. So my husband is going to tell her tonight that all communication will be done by phone from this point on. And if she abuses this option, as she has done in the past, we will keep track of it. The main reason for this is because we DREAD checking that email account & it looms over us all the time..."What is it going to be this time?!" (And every week, there's always SOMETHING!)
#2, keep trying to keep things civil. My husband has been REALLY good about this (better than I would be!), while BM has been completely irrational & nasty. This will show up in court with all the documentation we have.
#3, last night we came to terms with the fact that even if my husband goes to mediation with BM, there will be a custody battle. We're pretty damn sure that BM is going to fight this to the end. So this is why he HAS to go to mediation with BM one last time. Our original plan last night was for him to call her tonight & ask her what they need to discuss in mediation. As far as we're concerned, other than the holiday/summer schedule, there's nothing to discuss. So for BM to want to go back to mediation, she obviously wants to further drag on either the former SD issue or my husband giving up SD8. This would make mediation pointless. So this is why I advised him not to ask questions now, to wait until they're with a mediator.
We discussed how SD8 is the one that will be the most hurt by BM pushing this into court, and how our lives will change with either outcome (having her full-time or every other weekend). My husband has decided that if BM pushes this to court, the judge is 100% correct...they cannot share 50/50 custody anymore. It will have to be one parent or the other. It's too bad because we're not the ones causing this to happen.
Anyway, thank you for your comments! Sorry for my long response...I was going to post a new blog entry today, so now I don't have to!
My BM and yours have to be separated at birth....
We are going thru a custody battle and the deposition of BM (according to DH) went well into our favor. She got caught in a few lies and the GAL even knew it as well.
GAL has requested a meeting and try to settle this before court...but BM doesn't see the writing on the wall yet. She is so stupid she thinks she will win this case.
One of the questions...yes she let the kids know that she is always financially struggling....no she doesn't watch over them when they are told to take a shower or to brush their teeth. Her current husband quit his job after 2 weeks (he always gets 1 paycheck then leaves) because he wasn't able to spend time with the kids....hello?? he doesn't even know they exist.
I was surprised when he told me that her last name is still mine. The dumb fat bioytch is too lazy to go to the social security office and fill out a form...she stated "because I haven't received the papers yet" I got married in Hawaii and had my name changed within a few weeks. I think her new husband will leave her if she has to pay CS. He's pretty much living off of her and when the cash cow is about to run dry...he'll quit this one as well.