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The Blame Game

ferretmom's picture

Submitted by ferretmom on Mon, 04/06/2009 - 9:43am

At H's counseling session Friday he started playing the blame game. Everything is my fault, I realize that this is a coping mechanism but it sucks. I told him and his doctor I refuse to take the blame for sd's behavior that's on sd and H. He created this monster now he can deal with it. I think what brought it on was that morning he tells me that I need to start on sd's graduation announcements and planning a party for her. I said clearly and loudly NO. I'd already told him I wanted nothing to do with any of it. Then at his session he starts with how he never had a positive female role model for sd. Excuse me but what am I? And what about MIL? I guess that it's a big negative to work full time to help support your family plus come home and clean house and cook nutritious meals as well as the hundred other things I do and have done. It appears that to be a positive in sd's life a person must do everything she says or else. I tried to explain about disengaging but that translated into being mean and hateful to sd because I won't put up with her crap. I know he's lashing out and I'm a convenient target but I hate it. I'm not sure how much I can take before I hit back. I feel deep in my heart that things will be so much better when she's gone. That can't happen soon enough to suit me.

Comments

imagr8tma's picture

Submitted by imagr8tma on Mon, 04/06/2009 - 10:01am

crap.... and will let him know eventually that he is to blame for his daughter's actions... and tell him the sd has to take responsibility for her actions as well.

It is amazing to me how sometimes the new person in the mix gets blamed for the bad behaviours.

I wish you all the best of luck with the counseling. You keep doing what is necessary for you to have peace (as much as possible) with the situation.

ferretmom's picture

Submitted by ferretmom on Mon, 04/06/2009 - 10:06am

I admit that I've been having thoughts about smacking the snot out of sd and it embarrasses me. The only other person I've ever felt that way about was my ex. I hate the way she makes me feel all the time. Maybe I should invite her cousin over for dinner one night and let her do it for me. Biggrin

Sasha's picture

Submitted by Sasha on Mon, 04/06/2009 - 11:33am

And just remember: thinking is one thing; doing is quite another. I think as humans we all have those moments where we just want to smack the snot out of the person giving us grief. Ninety-nine percent of the time we don't, because we know how to exercise restraint. It's called being an adult.

I just love these parents who think that kids get a free ride just because they are kids. If you're raising your kids right, you also teach them that they too have responsibilities when it comes to interpersonal relationships. If they don't learn it first within the family, they are going to have a difficult time transitioning into adulthood and will have to learn these things the hard way. Let SD try behaving the same way to an employer and see how far that gets her.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Mon, 04/06/2009 - 10:49am

the kids problems to solve.

My Mom gave me that bit of advice at one point in my early 20's when I apparently got frustrated with her about something that I perceived to be her problem.

I don't recall what the issue was but she was right on about the advice.

I think your H needs to own up but he also needs to hold SD accountable for her own actions or she and he are destined to continue making the same bad decisions they have apparently been making for a long time.

Best regards,

ferretmom's picture

Submitted by ferretmom on Mon, 04/06/2009 - 11:41am

Right now it seems like everything is upsetting H and I get the fall out. For instance when MIL's obit ran in the local paper several people I know from the clubs and civic groups I'm in called and wanted to know about flowers and/or donations. I asked H what he wanted me to tell them and he said whatever I thought was best. So I told them to send donations to the local food bank in her name. All week we have been getting donation cards saying thank you from this group. As of Sat. there have been almost $2000.00 donated to the food bank in my MIL's name. I think she would have loved that, she was a very generous person. He told sil about it Sun. and now both of the sils are po'ed at me and today he is too. It's crap like that that's starting to get on my last nerve as well as the spawn of satan.

frustratedinMA's picture

Submitted by frustratedinMA on Mon, 04/06/2009 - 11:59am

What the heck?!?! he should have said, I asked her to make the decision. What did SILs think??? that these people would have donated the money to the SILs foundation?? good lord!! Its helping out needy families, you would think they would be happy that you picked such a great cause, given these economic hard times.

As for sd... she is a pill. Its about time he realize that. Did you mention to the councelor her RUDE behavior at MILs funeral?

bewitched's picture

Submitted by bewitched on Mon, 04/06/2009 - 6:33pm

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

A few weeks ago. He told SD17 I would send out the announcements to his family. Fortunately, I was right there when he said it, and made it clear that she is perfectly capable of addressing, stamping, and mailing her announcements.

But I'm with you. WTF? Why would I do this for someone who has treated me like shit on her shoe? Especially when my kids sent their own announcements out, why would I send them out for his spoiled spawn?

AAARRRGGGHHH!

So this weekend, SD17 says to H, "when are you going to talk to mom about the food for my party?".

This is the one renting the country club? Right. And H's pay cut in half by IRS garnishments, unemployment looming, and he wants to feed the town, just because SD17 actually made it thru high school???

No. I told him, he will discuss it with ME because it is OUR funds involved. BEFORE he discusses it with BM.