SD sneaking items from our house to BM's house
For the last 2 years we've had a solid rule-with the exception of clothes and school items, nothing goes back and forth between our home and BM's home (the skids are with us 50/50.) This is due to the fact that stuff either 1) never comes home or 2) gets broken/stolen by the other kids in the house (BM's fiances kids who live w/them 50/50). We figure we're already forking out the $$$ for the skids wardrobes at BMs as they come home in clothes way too small and suspiciously the "nicer" clothes never return. We understand and accept that, though, because WE don't want the kids to be made fun of at school being dressed so poorly. Anyway, anything of value stays here! We've told them numerous times.
So last night DH was downstairs w/SD11 helping her rearrange her room. He asked her where her Ipod was (the nice $200 Christmas gift from DH and I). She said "oh it needs to be charged" DH said, "well lets charge it". Finally it comes out that SD snuck it over to BM's by hiding it in her pants pocket (we usually go through their backpacks to make sure they have everything ready for school). Worse yet....she doesn't know where it is over there. DH hit the roof. SD's reasoning was that she doesn't have an Ipod over there, and that BM just spends all her money on herself not SD. She also admitted to taking money/gift cards (from us) over to BM's. After we calmed down, we told her that while it sucks that BM doesn't spend any money on SD, that it was not our responsibility to provide two sets of everything so she could have them at her moms. Of course she is sooooooo grounded, BM got a phone call stating the Ipod needs to come home, and we're now going to have SD have to empty pockets before leaving for school/moms.
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I totally
understand what you are saying. We do the same thing with SS because BM did not buy it so she does not care about it. Most times SS will say I want to leave it here cause it will get tore up at my moms. However isn't it sad that the kids cannot take their stuff back and forth because one party will not take care of it? We provide clothes at both homes and SS also returns in clothes too small. The only person she is hurting is her son. It infuriates me!
Yup....I'm just waiting for the day
when Skids tell us they want to live w/ BM full time. I mean with no rules, homework, or healthy food.....what kid wouldn't want that? BM already contributes her share to this particular problem. BM will tell SD "bring over XYZ" or tells Skids that "she doesn't understand why dad won't let things go back and forth". This puts skids in a really bad position. Last night when SD was talking on the phone w/BM about finding her Ipod, SD was upset, cying etc. BMs comment was "do you want to just talk about this when your dads not around". DH pretty much told SD that if she was going to talk about him negatively w/ BM then he deserved to have SD say it to his face.
"Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get me"
sounds like you handled it
sounds like you handled it really well! kids will be kids no matter what and grounding them or taking the Ipod away for awhile might get them to stop and think next time. my skids do the same thing. we get them every weekend and they are always leaving in nice things and then the sloppy stuff get left or brought back to our house the next time. before i married my H he use to always have problems with BM or BM's family pawning stuff off. now that has seemed to stop but you always have to be on guard. hang in there...sounds like your doing everything right
Very common
This is a common thing. You guys did handle it very well. My SD always brings back crap from BM's house. Like clothes that she wore when she was 5 and she is now 9! She'll bring old ratted t-shirts that her mom wore, and would want to wear them. Even worse she leaves all of her new nice stuff that we buy her over there. So now, when she goes over ther e- we don't let her take nice stuff over. If her BD wants her to have something different, she can buy it herself.
oh we have this problem too..
but luckily, as of now, SD9 knows that if she takes her nice things to BMs that BMs younger son will destroy them. I am sure there will be a time in the near future that we will have to start checking for things going back and forth. But DH and I have made it very clear that we will take them away if she does not follow the house rules.
Sounds like your DH is on top of it too! Thank goodness...
We used to do this too
And once I caught SD taking my sons' Ipods to BMs as well, b/c BM had set up a credit acct for SD on Itunes (nice eh?) So she was treating my sons to songs that BM paid for. When I told her she was not allowed to take them over she yelled at me for thinking her mom would steal them. I laughed a little and asked where I even mentioned BM. She said that MUST be what I was thinking if I wouldn't let her take them. I told her it was because I didn't buy them, my exH did, and actually I was afraid SD might lose them as she had lost her own things plenty of times.
When I mentioned this to my exh he said don't sweat it. Bc the boys were in on it, if they lost their ipods over it then they would be ipodless and learn their lesson. I could not fathom how he could be that way over something so costly. BUT...
When I brought this argument with SD up to the psychologist she asked if my exH would have been mad about it. I said he didn't care. So she said perhaps this stuff was something I needed to stop trying to micro manage at the age they were by now (10, 13 and 13 at the time) and to let them have natural consequences. Essentially she told me to stop sweating the small stuff.
It's taken a year or two but finally I agree with the Dr. I don't know what it's like to have two homes. I don't know what it's like to be given gifts with conditions attached that they stay somewhere while I go somewhere else. Granted I never got expensive things like Ipods. BUT...
I do think at some point when they start to get older, then they need to know that their stuff is theirs to use, enjoy, lose or break. The consequence is that we no longer buy expensive gadgetry things (SD just had her Ipod from this past Christmas "stolen" again, meaning she lost it. The "again" part is b/c this happened last year to the one BM bought.
We only bought the kids the one or two gifts they specifically asked for this year, because each one had items over 100 bucks on their list. B-days too. Ipod for Christmas for SD and BS (turning 12 next week.) Camera for SD the next week for her b-day. Camera for BS next week (BS 14 got one last summer for his 14th b-day.)
My BS 11.9 said to me recently that he wanted the newest most expensive Ipod now (maybe the phone but he's not getting that from us.) I think he was hinting for his Bday. I told him he better save up his b-day money b/c he just got a brand new 125 dollar Ipod for Christmas, and (other than the camera we planned on buying him that he doesn't know about) we aren't getting electronic gifts anymore. If they don't lose them they are dissatisfied with them in a few months and wanting something bigger and better. They need to feel the financial crunch of that themselves to break that cycle.
So we now let them take whatever they want wherever they want. Just don't ask me to run it to you when you forget it here, and if you lose it, to quote my two teens/one tween
BUMMER DUDE.
I have more on this issue regarding SD's taking things from other people/BM's house and bring them here, but will post it separate as this one's long enough!
"To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them?" ~Hamlet Act III scene I
i sooo totally understand
the pain........ I used to get so freakin pissed when the kids would take stuff home to bm's after visiting with us. She would either sell it or give the stuff away and the kids were out "stuff" and we were out the money!
4ofus - Yes it helps with
4ofus - Yes it helps with your SO helps out and is aware of these things.
SitaTara - I agree that as the kids get older, that they end up having to learn responsibility. So, if they lose their things - "ohh well", next time you will learn.. I think eventually we'll get tthere with SD, however now, we keep the matter close to us.
Common Theme
This seems to be. We have had this issue as well. The nice new clothes I would buy disappear and the too small ones get sent back. We put a lock down on things leaving our house. I will check SD12's bag before she leaves and pull things out. We only buy non-portable gifts now (games for the Wii - BM doesn't have one, desktop computer, decorations for their rooms here, etc). SD14 thinks we are horrible for not getting her a laptop. I told her she can have one when she goes to college. I know she only wants it b/c BM doesn't have a computer. Not my frickin' problem!
It is not our problem that they don't have clothes/shoes/shampoo at BM's house. And if they do take something and lose it, too damn bad. You don't get another one. I don't care what it was. You get one. No more.
If they buy something with their own money, they can do whatever they want with it. But I will constantly ask where such and such item is, and get the response "I lost it at Mom's house" or " Half sister broke it" OH WELL!!!!
Sorry, this is a touchy (on-going) subject for me, lol.
ah, the memories...bought SD
ah, the memories...bought SD a watch once because she always wanted to wear mine...a couple of week later she confessed to my little cousin who was visiting us that her sister broke it...well, or so she claims...then we bought her a camera, because she claimed she wanted one...soon we realized it was so that she could take pics at our house and then take the pics to BMs house...of course, never saw the camera again...then when she came over my DHs mother complained SD had nothng at our house...we just got tired of telling her not to take stuff and then everyone jumping down our throat for it...so we stopped buying stuff altogether...only very basic and cheap clothing from Target/Walmart...that was it.