ugh... some advice please, im so frustrated!
so its saturday, usually my only day off, but its our weekend with ss, so while fh is at work im watching ss4. Usually he is really good for me, but the last two times have been horrible thanks to bm and my mil. they are a true case of pas, from what ive ben reading. Last time ss informed me that he didnt want to go to my moms house because mil told him she was bad, now today he has said that if i dont do what he wants he will go live with his mom...and other crappy comments that are obviously coming from bm and mil.
The first time he said it (going to live with his mom, and he will not see me or daddy anymore), i said please stop being rude, the next time i said, you say that again i will be throwing all the stuff i just bought for your birthday in the trash. Well, he said it again, so since we were not at home, i said, the next time you say that, i will believe thats what you really want and we will go home and pack your stuff, ill take you to your moms, and you will never see me or daddy again. it this what you want? he quickly said no, he said he was sorry and that he loved me and his daddy and he didnt know how bad he was hurting my feelings. He said my mom tells me to live with just her, and she will love that and she will be really happy, but i want to live with my daddy too.
so i say well of course, we love you and we want you to live with both mommy and us. Even though i would love to tell him what his mother is, i NEVER do.
so i get home and call fh, i tell him what ss has been telling me. and he says, well shes a stupid sh*t and theres nothing we can do, but dont threaten him he wont see us. my response was that i was not threating him, i was telling him what it ment he wanted by what he was telling me. How am i supposed to watch him all day and allow him to be rude and horrible to me? at some point i feel he has to be held reponsible for what comes out of his mouth, because his mom will always be like this and we are going to have to learn how to deal with this.
fh gets mad at me, says obviously i cant handle things and he is going to keep ss home durring the week one day, so he can go to daycare on the saturdays we have him. i am soooooooooooo offended, i just organized the bday for this kid, I watch him on MY ONLY day off, and i cant handle it. wtf? im just as good of a parent to ss as he is, if not better, if it were my child i would be fighting to keep him away from toxic people like bm and mil, rather than throwing up my hands and saying there is nothing i can do.
anyways, so here is the question.
do i take back my day off, not stress about watching him, and enjoy my saturdays!?
here are my concerns, im worried that eventually fh would see this as a way of me not caring for ss, even though he suggested it. Also, i do enjoy for the most part my time with just me and ss, its great time where we can bond and he has to she me as a parental figure since im the only one around. do i lose that time with him? or do i just stop telling fh about the drama, and only tell him what comes out of ss's mouth?
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also
was what i told him wrong? ever since he has been an angel, telling me he loves me, saying please and thank you, wanting me to play with him, etc...
i dont want to say innapropriate things to him, but i feel like he should not be allowed to say horrible things to me, like if fh and i put an end to it now then we will have an eaiser road ahead.
I dont think what you said
I dont think what you said was wrong. I have said the same thing. It really makes them think about what they are saying and there is nothing wrong with that. Whats up with DH calling you irresponsible? That is messed up I think he is treating you like a child and not SS4.Of course you should put SS4 in his place PAS or not. This child will grow up with issues if he is not taught right from wrong at a young age.The descision is your DH's to make but I would sit down with him and tell him that you feel hurt by what he is suggesting and just because you occasionally have to set SS4 straight doesnt mean you dont want him around.Besides all DH is doing by taking SS4 away from you is helping BM's cause because I am sure she doesnt want you around.You need to communicate and get this stuff out there and DH needs to be reminded of which team he is in now. You guys need to be strong together.
Firstly,
Please don't take this wrong. You are a kind person to take your only day off to take care of a child that is not yours.
I am just trying to analyze this.
First off, he is only 4 years old, don't take what he says to heart. Secondly, if he was rude and hurt your feelings---tell him that (that he was rude and hurt your feelings) and ONLY that. You can also tell him the appropriate way to speak to you. But telling him that you are going to throw his toys away----that was not the best way to handle it. And to tell him that he'd no longer be seeing his father was wayyyyyyyy beyond what is correct. He's only 4 and is not responsible for his words especially if his mother is feeding them to him. And yes, you need to nip those kinds of comments (the ones that were rude) in the bud, but not by telling him what you did. Talk with your man and see if between the two of you you can come up with a way that the child can be handled. Or, let your man handle it.
I would take my day off and let his father handle things. Be kind, be loving but YOU need a day off. His PARENTS can make those kinds of sacrifices----truly, be kind to yourself & to the child but don't make sacrifices that are not yours to make. Your kindness might be misinterpreted and unappreciated.
I wish you the best.
i missed it
earlier, but he actually was the one that said, i will never see you or my daddy again first. and when i said it, it was more of a, is that what you really want?, because if thats what you keep telling me you want then...
This kid is usually well behaved with us, and i realize telling him that i would throw away the toys was harsh, however, this kid has learned to not respect a word any woman says, because of bm and mil. He is NEVER made to behave or held accountable for a thing he does to them. This is the only thing that gets his attention, fh said the same thing last night after he was mis-behaved. When he realizes that he will lose something he cares for, he thinks twice about his actions. I wish i knew how to stop this behavior before it gets to this point!
also
i dont take anything badly that i get back on this site
i try to use it to the best of my ability. Its really hard though to know what to do and not punish him for what is coming out of his mouth and his actions, because bm is an insecure pathetic person, and her attempts to brainwash her child will most likely never stop. Therefore, yes, he is 4, but at what point do you stop this behavior? Or by not holding him accountable, do we let him act badly, blame it on bm, and then eventually wave goodbye as he leaves to go live with bm, because she has completely f'd up her child?
As long as you think first
about everything you say, you should be just fine. i do agree, maybe you were a bit harsh at first, but it sounds like you cleaned it up very nicely. This is very very tough territory and it only gets worse as they get older. What will happen though, is that the boy will get oldser and start to realize that BM is manipulative and let me tell you, kids (especially boys) do NOT like to be manipulated. As long as you keep a cool head about you and always explain things to him, your realtionship with SS should be great. As for DH, I would talk to him again and let him know how bad he made you feel. Tell him maybe you did overreact a bit at first, but that you did fix it. Never never never badmouth BM in front of SS. I think it was great that you told SS you wanted him to live with both..obviously he knows that this is what he wants too. He will grow to resent BM if she keeps this up. he already realizes she was wrong. Please talk to hubby about how upset you are and why and maybe he will see too that you are only doing your best and trying to help raise his son.
"A parents job is to eat as much sh*t as we have to so that the children do not."
No people...
Telling him that you are going to throw his toys away for being rude, Is not gonna cause him a "trauma" PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE... because people OVERprotect the children, these children grow up to be entitled teenagers that think the world belong to them...
You gotta keep it real, and is not harsh at all... I do see it a little unrelated though...
For instance, if you tell him to pick up his toys and he DOESN'T want to pick them up, saying "I will throw them away" its related... but in your situation I think of it as a little random...
Toys are something that you are supposed to earn, not just *GET* because you exist... had you said something like " You will not eat today if you are mean" or something like that I would understand... but toys???
NAHHHHHH
But I disagree with telling him this:
", i said, the next time you say that, i will believe thats what you really want and we will go home and pack your stuff, ill take you to your moms, and you will never see me or daddy again. "
because something VERY important as parents is to KEEP YOUR WORD... if you say "Tom, if you don't put your shoes on right now, you will not be going to Mary's party!" and he doesn't put his shoes on RIGHT THEN, even if afterwards he wants to put his shoes on, and says "im sorry", you already told him that if he didn't do that at the time that it was expected, he wasn't going, so TOM will not be going to the party... The point is to keep your word, and if you can't keep that word just don't say it... that is a very important rule that has helped me a lot with SD5
With SD5, if we tell her, "if you are a bad girl, there is no pool for you", and then she does something bad, doesn't matter if she tries to repair the damage by being good the rest of the day we already SAID what we had to say... and she will definitely NOT be going to the pool... does that make sense?
And obviously you were/are not able to keep what you said...
That being said, a better way would have been "if you ONLY live with your mommy, you wouldn't see your daddy and me again, is that what you really want? trying to get him to think about it and generate his own ideas as to what is the real meaning of living ONLY with BM... perhaps adding, "We would be very sad, and we want you live with us as well"
Sometimes we as adults, underestimate the impact that words and statements of simple things and facts have on children. Things that we *think* they understand but they don't. BM telling this child that she would be happy if he was ONLY with her, is beyond damaging and MEAN to her own child, I can't believe how someone can do that to their own seed and blood...
Anyway, you and DH need to keep telling him that you want him there, but you guys know that he wants/needs his mommy too, and that is OK !
*I don't really know how the BM situation is, but DH probably needs to talk to her about these mean things...*
*Why would anybody want to mess around to their own child's head and heart in such manner? is disgusting...
I totally understand you niki!
~You can see clearly only with your heart. What is truly important is invisible to the eyes~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry's
Keep your spirits up Nikki!
Keep your spirits up Nikki! It is understandable that you said some things that maybe weren't exactly right, but you did do the right thing by letting him know that you love him and want him with you and also by having him think about exactly what he was saying to you .. which is "is this really what you want"? At 4 I don't think they understand what they really want, but they will as they get older. It's great that you have such a good relationship with SS 4 and believe me, he will remember how good you are with him. And, as Sassy noted, as he gets older, he'll see for himself what BM is all about... which is really sad. As far as DH taking him away from you, as your responsibility, I hope that you and he can work that out. I do believe that BM will take that as a sign that she is weaseling in and causing some damage. And who knows what SS will think? Will he even connect that he said that and then all of a sudden he's not spending time with you? Don't think it can't happen - kids are so smart it's SCARY!! and the way they connect events is even scarier, sometimes. I think if you and your DH want to split it, where one weekend day a month you get off by your own and SS goes to daycare, but he gets to spend time with you the other weekends, that might work??? Not sure. All I know is that since I got married to a man with a child my middle name has become compromise!! Whether I like it or not!! Ha!!
I think you handled it exactly right.
Yes, your SS is only four. However, the sooner he learns that his BM is full of shit and has issues the sooner he will learn that he needs to tune her out when she is being a total fruit loop.
Letting him know the impact and meaning of what he was saying obviously nipped BM's butt nuggets of wisdom in the bud in hurry.
One thing my Wife and I agreed early on in your blended family adventure is that we would never sugar coat or gloss over any of SS's BioDads stupid shit. My SS has always been promptly notified of the facts when BioDad or SpermGrandMa pull stupid crap out of their craniums.
For sure you don't want to make derogatory comments about his BM but you also don't want to hide the fact that she has intellectual, emotional and maturity issues. This is why we decided to go with the "Facts are not good or bad they are just facts" methodology of keeping my SS up to speed on the SpermFamily drama.
When my SS would come home from visitation with similar comments to those your SS made we would sit him down and discuss the impact of what he was saying and clarify any misunderstandings by discussing the facts of his BioDad/SpermFamily issues and comments. "If you go to live with them you won't get to see your Aunt, Uncle, Cousins, GrandParents, friends, etc....... except for very short visitations. You get to see them quite a bit now and see your friends and family here. So, what are you thinking?" "GrandMa and Daddy (Dickhead) say that Mom stole me from them and took me away from Daddy Dickhead". We responded with Fact: "Daddy (Dickhead) ran off and left you and your Mom living in a ratty travel trailer to be with a 16yr old girl. Here are the pictures of the trailer". "Daddy(Dickhead) says he has never been married." "Well lets go take a look at the court files upstairs in the study....... Here is a notarized copy of his marriage license to ........ showing her age and the date of their marriage and the page in the county register the executed marriage license was registered in." What does registered mean .......
Stupid people who do stupid crap can't argue with facts. Let your SS know the facts. Temper the wording of your discussion of the facts to be age appropriate but use facts to counter BM's BS.
Just my thoughts of course.
smnikki
While I can COMPLETELY understand the rude somments from a skid, I also think telling him that if that's what he really wanted, you would pack his things up was a unneccesary. I know it got the point across, but now he'll always be worried that you two are going to throw him away if he doesn't behave the way you want him.
My suggestion is this: Talk to FH and decide an appropriate punishment for FSS being rude. He's 4, so maybe 10 minutes in a time out spot. Or the loss of playing with xyz favorite toy for the day.
What FINALLY worked for me with SD14 and SD12 and the PAS comments being regurgitated from BM was telling them this, " I'm not your parent. I don't HAVE to love you or do nice things for you. I CHOOSE to love you and take care of you. I will stop doing these things if you don't start treating me like I deserve to be treated." After saying this, I haven't had any trouble with nasty "you're not my mom" kind of comments.
Now, since FSS is only 4, I don't recommend telling him this right now, but keep it in the back of your mind for later.
~ Formerly ToTheEdge. I have stepped down from the ledge.