I am still a dreamer.

I was such a silly girl for thinking that BM had evolved. I have learned time and time again not to place too much stock in her.

My husband's birthday was last weekend. The girls were very busy and with their mom last week, so I spoke with my SD9 and we agreed that I would take them on Saturday to buy dad a birthday present after their teeball/softball practices. I was taking them because DH had to work.

Friday DH informs me that BM is taking them to their practices (which is great in and of itself). I then ask when they'll be home because I needed to have them do something with me. He says early, so I should have time.

The girls stayed home with me Friday night while DH was at a softball game because the girls were recovering from being sick almost all week. SD9 is texting back and forth with her mom and announces that BM is taking them shopping instead of me. :?

I let SD9 know that BM doesn't need to worry, I would be more than happy to take them after practice. She texts her mom and then repeats again that "mom is just going to take us."

Fine. Whatever.

I'm not starting a huge blowout over this. I've learned my lessons well... anyways it would be saving me the dough, right?

Well guess what? BM doesn't buy the present and the girls are empty handed when we do his birthday celebration.

SO... I tell SD9 last night that I will take them on Wednesday (they had games last night and tonight). WELL...SD9 tells me this morning that AGAIN mom says no, she's taking them birthday present shopping this upcoming weekend during her parenting time. I look my SD9 in those sad, uncomfortable little eyes and tell her let's not worry about this right now, okay?

This is so stupid.

She is baiting me here and I had to repeat the mantra "it's not worth it" in my head a hundred times to get me back to good. Grow up already, BM. She hasn't contibuted to the purchasing of gifts for DH in the last 5 years, why on earth would she start now? Not only that, she made me look like a chump for allowing the girls to not have a present for him AND ultimately they were far more disappointed in this fact then DH was.

I am taking the girls tomorrow to buy their dad a birthday present. I told DH if she wants to take them again this weekend, then whatever gift they buy can be his Father's Day present.

That's it folks, I will not be part of this idiotic drama.

I just need to focus these dreams of mine to encompass what I can change in myself, not how I want others to change. She is one hot mess, and I just am not going to engage in her attempts to make me one too. She succeeded at doing that once and I refuse for that to ever happen again. She sure can piss me off sometimes though.

Still a work in progress.

Colorado Girl's blog
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Truly Unstable...

and the games she plays with you are more than I would be willing to take. You are a strong woman CG~ and I love ya for it!

Hang in there sweetie... you handled this with much more composure than I would have!

DISbelief~

~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~ ; )

Your composure is progressing as well...

Your issues are just grander than mine and take more effort and patience.

I remember those days... before DH was able to reign BM a little bit.

I only have the ability because my "instances" are spanned farther apart then they used to be.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

oh yea

I would def. still take the girls out..if she does follow thru and get gifts also than they can just give him more or for father's day.

"He grew up in my heart, not my belly"

"That's it

"That's it folks, I will not be part of this idiotic drama." I agree.

Maybe not announce your moves?

If you hadn't told them you were going shopping before it happened, then BM couldn't interfere. What a petty pathetic game player.

True.

It's what I did about tomorrow's shopping trip...the second time around. The girls won't know we're going until I pick them up, that way SD keeps no secrets and won't worry because she'll just think they're going on Saturday.

Their mom is just fabulously unpredictable. I had not a clue this would ever be an issue being that's it's been five years since their divorce... and never once did she want to buy a present.

She's just looking to get a rise out of me, or make me feel bad, or make herself feel better... I have no idea her intent. She has decided to make me the recepient of her wrath lately, and I just need to find my coping skills that I had shelved for a while.

All will be well.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

I must I would have lost my

I must I would have lost my temper. But I think it's a better idea to just wait until the last minute to let them know what's going on. And for that matter I would wait until you reach the store and then say something. If the girls ask why are you taking them when "BM" said she would just say that you didn't have anything else planned for the day and it was a last minute decision.

Oh how I know your pain

I agree with Lizzie A.

We stopped telling BM what our plans were, and at times didn't tell SD either. Not for this situation in particular, but more if I wanted to take SD to a particular movie, I wouldn't announce. If BM took her, then I either chose a different one, or chose something else to do.

I remember the feeling well, but all those things as far as BM goes occurred before I knew as much as I do about BPD. Still learning of course and will be so for all my life likely. But I kept the lesson with me for SD. I do not announce surprises to her, or plans to her. If I do she will continue to pester me about them and ask a million times when we will do it, when we will leave by, what else can she add to it, etc etc etc.

I think you are dealing with that BPD thing, and obsessive traits of course. It's not about getting him the present, it's about -

Well there I go. Trying to make sense of the senseless.

It so sucks (as we've said to each other many times) to always be having to adjust our normal ways of thinking and behaving to neutralize their crazy. In the end her motive doesn't matter. The mantra I try to repeat regarding BM or SD is-

"Just b/c I feel manipulated doesn't mean that's their intent."

Because it really isn't premeditated. It's not conniving. It's impulsive, it's an inability to edit, to think through past instantaneous gratification, to understand consequences...

It's egocentricity in it's highest and lowest form.

I know exactly how it feels, and my best advice today is YOU do what you want to do, and stop changing your plans to accommodate a woman mentally incapable of grasping your self aware, empathetic gracious, humble nature.

"To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them?" ~Hamlet Act III scene I

My friend...

You know being stepmoms is what brought us together, the BPD is what solidified this understanding of each other to be everlasting... for you truly KNOW my journey.

"I think you are dealing with that BPD thing, and obsessive traits of course. It's not about getting him the present, it's about -

Well there I go. Trying to make sense of the senseless."

I think this will forever be my downfall. My unwavering need to make sense of it all.

Yours too I think. Forever analyzing and hanging on to hope of who we once were before we welcomed this disorder into our lives thru no choice of our own.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

I have my moments

Of wanting to understand to empathize to be able to love her unconditionally no matter how she treats me.

Then...

I don't.

I think - HEY! Why should I continue to accept verbal abuse JUST because she's a kid, JUST because she's got this borderline crap? Why does that give her a free pass, just like the one she gives her BM? Won't that just create the same beast, if not worse because unlike BM's feared abandonment, SD's is oh so very real and likely to occur again and again as she sucks the life out of those who try to love her?

Then I read up some more trying not always to makes sense of it, but to survive it, to tread water with it for FOUR more years, maybe more.

She's only been gone a few days and I've lost 2 pounds and my skin's completely clear.

Unfortunately she'll be back in my life in a week or so more. And this time I have to go with DH to pick her up as my SIL is flying into MILs with SD and SIL's little ones. If I want to see SIL I have to go with DH to MILs. If I don't go with, then I'm disappointing SIL and missing out myself. When I do go with, I'll have 2 less SD free days, including a 6 plus hour ride in the car with her.

Got an Ipod?

Listen to some good music and tune the little missy out.

"Then I read up some more trying not always to makes sense of it, but to survive it, to tread water with it for FOUR more years, maybe more."

My youngest SD is 6... if it makes you feel better, I got 12 more to go.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

Colorado Girl

Mine too.. I read some of these blogs and I WANT TO HELP so badly... but know that I cannot. I can't make dumb husbands get their head out of the sand or make them just support their wives. I can't make sense either of the senseless. So well said. At least we are all trying - whether we succeed or not - together

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