16 & 1/2 years of evolved opinions on blended family stuff.
Early in my STalker tenure, and before on smaller predecessor online SParent communities I took a full on defense of the blended marriage position recommending zero tolerance of threats to the marriage at the center of the blended family. I advised that a SParent not tolerate any crap from ill behaved SKids, Xs, ILs and defend the marriage as a hill to die on. Somewhat naive since invariably it is far more likely than not a flawed partner that is the root cause of many if not most of the problems in the life of a SParent spouse.
Over the years clarity evolved for me that when a mate is so flawed, is their own and the SParent spouse's worst nightmare, is not all in on a relationship that the SParent is all in on and beyond, etc..... the SParent needs to realize that living their own life to the fullest has to be the goal whether the partner joins that effort or not.
The long line of mostly moved on former STalkers who chose to sacrifice themselves eternally on the altar of SParental martyrdom to their unworthy mates and the unworthy mate's baggage is tragic and depressing.
Then there are the stalwart confident SParents who stand their ground, force their mate to stand their ground, and live their best lives together building a life of adventure and a love for the ages together setting an example for their kids, Skids, and anyone and everyone else.
I toast those amazing people.
The partner of a SParent has to have a spine and an indelible commitment to the SParent spouse and their equity life partnership. Those partners with that clarity have a life with an amazing mate. The SParent then also has an amazing mate.
This should be the only thing that a SParent will tolerate in their partner.
It is not the SKids or even the Xs that ultimately are at issue. It is the character, or lack of character, present in the partner the SParent tolerates in their life.
Live well everyone. Tolerate nothing less for yourself or for your partner. Especially tolerate nothing less from your partner. They must earn you every day. That makes them worthy. Anything less and they are not. Our mere presence in their baggage filled lives earns that at minimum. Invariably it earns far, far more.
IMHO of course.
These kids are SO Children.
SO as a parent have a obligation to raise this kid / kids. This kid vs SO life is the challenged. And cause of many problems in second marriage. Decisions made by SO and there ex is now effecting you. Your life. Your marriage. You must come to some place where all of this works.
'Being the second SO. gives you all the problems but not any of the fun . You didn't get the Hawaii honeymoon like first SO,, but you get the sand on the floor.
'That was my problem. I could never get over that . I thought at first I could understand it, be the bigger person. But But. Missing out on so much. You can not duplicate certain things . First wedding. There nobody to pay for a big second wedding. People don't want to go to a second wedding. Or take pictures again.
'as time goes on. It's doesn't get better,
I think this is changing a
I think this is changing a bit. I'm seeing more and more second (or third) marriages starting with weddings/gatherings (but I love your "sand on the floor" imagery). (Your SO owes you!)
In our case, my DH married BM in a cold, quickie "wedding" with just the two of them, as BM was knocked up, as they used to say. Although she had secretly been taking fertility drugs (you really can't make up her level of "demented"), her reputation, as always, was priority, so she insisted on getting married as soon as she could break the news to DH--and has always lied to SS about how he came to be. Like a fool, DH went along with it all, and we know the rest . . . . (BM once hissed at me, "He didn't WANT the kids!" and we knew she was milking that story.)
But he and I had a really nice wedding. I think that, among many other things, fed into BM's rage about us being together. womp womp.
It is difficult Harry. Though IMHO many make it extra hard.
Though I have also stood on the ground that the second marriage is the first.... between the new partners. There can and should be a definitive celebration of that marriage and that couple can and should define how they will live their lives together and raise any kids in their lives together as equity parents. There may also be first kids together. First anniversaries, first, first, first, first, first.
The couple has to define the firsts just as they define the rules, how those outside of their two person relationship will be addressed, etc... Yes, as SParents our SOs have kid(s) with someone else. Maybe multiple someone elses.
That does not eliminate firsts in our life, our relationships, and our blended families.
Our "first" wedding was a run off to Lake Tahoe and get married thing at a small wedding chapel with a few friends and family present. We eloped but announced the date 2wk ahead of time so people who who chose to attend could. My mom, my brother, SIL and then 5mo old niece, my university BFF and his then GF, and my DW's aunt and uncle were there. My dad was overseas and could not make it, my ILs chose not to attend. They were silent protestors to me I think. Our age difference was likely the reason for that.
We did a full meal deal wedding with catered tasty foody food, a bar, a dance floor, a DJ, a photographer, etc.. for our 20th. We paid for both our $500 all in first wedding and our $15K 50 guest vow renewal where my FIL walked my bride down the "isle" at a Vineyard/Winery wedding in her home town. Complete with an article in the small town paper. My SS "officiated" or vow renewal. I was 50 and DW was 38 when we renewed our vows on our 20th. It was our second wedding. I do not count my wedding. That should have never happened.
Celebrate every first together and make your life of adventure together special. If the Skids get on board, they can have a place. If not, good riddance.
Yes, the SKids are the SO's children. That does not alleviate the kids complying with inviolate standards of behavior and performance or otherwise being reasonable.
Just how I deal with it all of course.
I think I fall into your
I think I fall into your first category and your second category, and a lot in between. Oddly enough, the years DH and I had the most FUN were also the hardest years because that is when he was the lamest when dealing with his ex and skids. He was drowning. Maybe he was a bit like a kid back then, looking at having fun and enjoying life and shirking the hard stuff. It was the good times, the companionship, etc. that inspired me to hang on through the roughest times (although we did separate for a while).
Marriage counseling also worked for us, but it didn't make everything perfect. There were definitely a few more bumps in the road. I hate to label this as a threat because it wasn't: It became clear to DH that my tolerance level for all the BS eventually dropped to a 5 (out of 100), and then dipped even lower, and I had the means, the ability, and the fortitude to drop out. My wellbeing became more of a priority for me. Once I started truly living like that rather than talking about it (it's weird, because it seems selfish but doesn't feel selfish at all--it feels like sanity), a deeper transformation in our relalationship occurred. Should it have taken all that? The problems, the separation, the BS and the full truth/reality that I could and would live fine on my own? No. But it happened. The day DH said, "I'm sorry I've brought all of this baggage into our marriage" was the day I knew lightbulbs had really lit for him.
We are 20 years older now, so we don't go out dancing in clubs anymore, but we still do weekend get-aways, travel a bit, and enjoy our time together. We have strong walls up around our home life. What's really important is that I regained respect for my husband, something that was lost for a while there.
***Many years ago, I was friends with a guy who was a wonderful person but ALWAYS LATE. He drove people crazy. Well, he got into a relationship with a new woman. We went over to meet her/them and all go out together. Of course, we're all sitting there in the living room and the guy isn't ready. The woman said--totally NOT angry--"Ok, let's all go. He can catch up." I was stunned. We all got up and left. Within 5 minutes, the guy was running after us. I was in awe of this woman. It was such a lesson to learn: If someone is holding you back, get up and go. Either they'll stay behind or they will catch up.
While reading this I was formulating a long blathery response.
Then I got to the end.
It was such a lesson to learn: If someone is holding you back, get up and go. Either they'll stay behind or they will catch up.
That women is brilliant. And so are you.
Short, elegant, brilliant. Basically a lead, follow, or get out of the way position on relationships which is even far more valuable in blended family life.
We all have experienced periods of coddling people who are a waste of our time at that time. We certainly see this regularly in blended family life and when assessing the challenges that seem to be nearly universal for so many in blended marriages.
I'm happy that you landed on clarity and on engaging your best life while holding SO accountable for catching up.
We don't hit night clubs any more either. We had a little of that after DW turned 21. But I was approaching my mid 30s and even then it was occassional.
We do dance just about anytime in a slow intimate bust a move sorta way. It makes our kid shake his head though he does smile when we do it. He has seen it nearly his whole life. From his mom and me and from his GPs. My mom and dad have danced my whole life. They still do.
I feel like all good
I feel like all good partnerships hinge on the concept that both parties are "all in" for their SO. They make a 100% effort to make their partner's life better, happier, more fulfilling. When BOTH partners do that.. then you have a partnership where both people are doing their utmost... so it multiplies.. it's not 50/50.. it's 100/100. Happy wife happy life.. and also happy husband, happy life as well.
When I first met my SO some 20 years ago, I told him I understood his kids would come first.. and HE was the one to correct me and tell me that they were an obligation.. but that I would be a priority to him.. I was not coming "behind" his kids.
Does that all mean that his kids didn't suck up resources at times..no, of course he had his CS obligations and paid for other things as appropriate and as we could afford. Did I have to help make up the difference a few times? sure.. but that was not me supporting his kids.. it was me supporting my SO.. just like he would spend his last dollar on me.. if necessary.
And... yes... the ex was problematic.. and was definitely not an emotionally stable person, but to the extent possible, he did not make me stand in the line of fire.
Success in steplife does not mean the absence of hardship or problems.. it means that the partnership works to minimize the pain and suffering.. and is there to go through it with you. Look, no relationship is immune from crap.. lost jobs... financial woes.. health problems.... but a great partnership will not add to the list of problems we all go through.
And.. it's a two way street... a stepparent does have to understand that there are obligations to the children as minors.. and there may be obligations to the EX via spousal support or child support. Your partner may not be able to control what his ex says to or about you.. but they can minimize the extent you are exposed to the EX if the EX is being nasty. They may not be able to make their children love you.. but they can insist on civility in your home..
Being in a relationship with a person with children from a prior relationship also means that if being the "one and only .. first" is important to you.. then you can't have that.. you CAN be your SO's "one and only true love right now... but you can't go back and erase the fact that they had relationships before you. They also should not push that in your face though.. haha.
In the end.. I find that even when I am in a disagreement with my SO.. at my most frustrated.. I still love him and would not want to leave him... and I feel like he feels the same. An old friend of ours said we were "partners"... many years ago.. because we were always together.. working.. playing.. just peas and carrots..lol.
Steplife isn't the same for everyone.. but it can work.. but I think it helps if you can be a bit pragmatic about it.. and realize that all relationships have hardships.. in steplife the hardships are different.. but in some cases not totally impossible.
But.. if the relationship.. situation is too hard.. and you feel you are the only person working at it.. then in the end.. sometimes love isn't enough.. and there are worse things than being alone. Good relationships do require work.. but it should be a labor of love.. not resentment.
Your husband is a smart one. I like him ESMOD.
You are also a smart one. Together, those who bring what you both bring to a marriage can live an incredible life together and the kids/SKids can see their divorced parent happy, setting the example of a confident man or woman, and modeling a quality relationship.
Too bad many SKids don't have both of their no longer together parents setting that example.
Pragmatism is critical in any relationship and in life. As you so clearly said, partners navigate all of the elements of life together. Part of making it great is overcoming the challenges together and learning to enjoy addressing it all, even the challenges.
Thanks to you both for your example.
Enjoy the adventure of making a love for the ages together!