Advice Please!
This is my first time posting and hoping to get some insight. I've been living in a blended family for 8 or so years. Last year my teen stepdaughter decided that she was going to live with us. Her moving in has put such a strain on my marriage to the point where my husband has dropped the "d" word. She's not a bad kid, but she is incredibly spoiled, entitled and manipulative. She's not expected to do any chores, while my kids are admonished if they forget or show frustration when asked to do their chores. She's completely taken over the house and complains if I or my kids annoy her in any way. Seriously , I could write a book about it. I guess that's pretty typical teenage attitude but I feel like we are unwelcome guests in our own home. Dad of course doesn't see my perspective on any of this.... because she's perfect.
Ive learned over time that I cannot win in this situation, and have since disengaged. Disengagement has on one hand protected my sanity, but also negatively impacted my marriage. Im exhausted, I'm tired of the house being run by a teenage girl, im tired of walking on eggshells and I'm tired of seeing my marriage being chipped away at.
The big issue that's causing me frustration and the reason I'm asking for help is her boyfriend. He is rude to me but nice to her and everyone in the house. When I say rude, I mean that he doesn't acknowledge me, make eye contact, or anything. My suspicion is that she says unkind things about me to him... and her friends but that's another story. I've had many talks about this with my husband and make my opinion well know to him about this kid. My husband got to the point where he told me to suck it up and be nice to him because he can't have dissent in the house. I was hoping to get some insight on how to deal with this.
I tend to be a black and white thinker and when people treat me with unkindness I tend to write them off. How would you all deal with this? Help!!
WHAT?! WTF?!
HE can't have dissent in the house? Ok kiddo, then rein your daughter in, teach her some basic manners, and treat her like any other member of the family! Dammit, YOU are the lady of the house, the queen of the castle, and if neither of them want her to be treated like all the other residents she can go back whence she came.
I'd also confront the bf. When you say "hello", if he ignores you, ask him if his mommy taught him to be so rude. Engage him in everyday chit chat. If he can't treat you like the lady of the house then he can stop coming over.
As for your DuH, remind him about his vows, remind him that YOU are the woman of the house, and YOU are paying the bills, not his daughter nor her bf.
I am ANGRY for you.
Thank you for the support.
Thank you for the support. He's definity terrified of dissappointing her or making her unhappy in any way. Unfortunatley I found that a head-on conversation is near impossible with him especially so when the topic is his daughter. I tend to be overly direct, especially when angry, which has turned arguments into very unproductive fights.
My thought was to take his daughter out for a heart-to-heart and let her know that while I'm here for her, that I do have boundaries and have a right to feel comfortable in my own home. She isn't a terrible human, but she's definety been all about her since she was little.
Sorry, but she is a terrible
Sorry, but she is a terrible human.
Also, been there, done that and bought the t-shirt for it. I have an SD34 who was a nightmare and have been in and out of therapy for decades, particulary steadily in the last three years because of what I went though. Do not take your SD out and talk to her. She's power tripping. She's got all the power in your house because your DH switched roles and put her as top dog woman and you are the female child. The hierarchy is all wrong because your DH has made it that way. He's trying to tie your hands so that you can't change it. Do not try the nice talk with your SD. She will see it as weakness and crank it up. It is up to your DH and by all means if you address her, no nicey nice. Call her out.
Oh, and your SD is a terrible human. A young woman who is and has been all about her since she was little who has grown up to power trip and exploit Dadddeeeee's lack of balls with her and make her SM's life a living hell is a terrible human.
You don't have an SD problem, you have a DH problem. Turn your focus away from your SD and put the onus onto your DH. If you're too afraid of divorce, it won't work. I know that I had to get to the point of being more afraid of continuing to live like that than I was of losing my marriage before I was able to lay down the law and require changes from DH "before the sun sets today," "or else..." before I got the changes I wanted. I used very strong wording too. If you're not there yet, that's OK. Just don't make the mistake of what society says and suck up to SD or take on the onus because you're "the adult." If you do get to that point soon, it's life-changing! In t he best way.
Your DH is a lazy parent and
Your DH is a lazy parent and husband. It's too much work for him to discipline The Princess. Get yourself prepared, get a game plan for you and your kids and see an attorney. Then call his bluff on the divorce.
I would say that he is
I would say that he is terrified of disappointing her or seeing her unhappy in any way. I've allueded to the fact that this is not going to serve her in the future. She needs to be able to take disappointment, delay gratification, and learn to not stamp her feet to get what she wants.
Just last month, I had to put my foot down. She wanted a puppy... we already have two dogs... and I am a cat person. I like dogs, but don't want the responsiblity of having them. My husband travels a lot for work, and I work from home so all the pet care falls to me during the day... and the majority of cooking, cleaning errands, etc. Told him that there is no f******g way I am taking care of another animal in this house. So she made a powerpoint presentation on why we should have another dog and how she is going to take it with her when she goes off to college... It took WEEKS to put an end to this conversation. The word NO should have been enough.
Thank you for letting me vent!
Ugh! So frustrating. Yes,
Ugh! So frustrating. Yes, many of these divorced daddies are scared of their own children. You're right...he's not doing her any favors.
Why did he let SD DECIDE if
Why did he let SD DECIDE if she wanted to live with you instead of BM? This was his first mistake. DH is letting SD run the show. And she doesn't know any differently. Were you EVER part of that conversation when SHE decided to move in? That would have been a deal breaker for me. Just goes to show how inconsiderate DH is and where his priorities lie.
That's my bad. I should have
That's my bad. I should have better explained how she came to live with us. I didn't want my post to be crazy long. Her moving in was discussed with me and I was actually on board with her moving in. I wasn't excited about it, but the alternative would have been to leave her in a bad situation. Our failure as a couple was not laying the expectations ahead of time, and now I'm paying for it.
SD bio mom is a train wreck.... it's really sad. Filthy hoarded home (bugs and vermin), terrible financial skills despite receiving more than double what I make in a month in child support and alimony... and I make a decent living. She lives a cycle of buying everything under the sun and getting herself deeper and deeper into debt. She's not in a place where she should be raising kids. So of course I was happy to get her into a better situation living with us.
I don't want her living in that environment, but I do want to feel peace and feel like I'm supported.
How old is she? What was the
How old is she? What was the schedule like before? If SD was used to weekends only, then it has probably always seemed like a "vacation" when she visited previously. It will be hard for her to transition if DH expected nothing of her previously. Age appropriate chores should be expected by DH. She needs to be a contributing member of the household if she's going to be a part of it. All of the time used to create a power point could have been spent cleaning/tidying common areas. BF coming over? Chores need to be done first. BF leaves? SD should be the one cleaning up after.
Also, what have you and your DH decided about house guests? Just example of what works for DH and I....
-SD13 can only have friends over if DH is home. I'm not going to supervise/monitor what they are doing.
-No sleepovers upstairs, SD13 and friends must use basement.
It will hard to "go back" with DH and have these conversations, but they truly need to be had.
100% agree with you on every
100% agree with you on every point you made. Unfortunately I don't think he's got the backbone to stand up to her if she complains about rules, and he would end up getting angry at me because I'm agrgy about the imbalced dynamic.
She's almost graduated from high school, so I am just waiting it out until she leaves. We've had too many arguments, and I'm just done. Lately I've been trying to just focus on myself and my kids.
... and as I write all of this it's hitting me in the face how ass-backwards this situation is.
My thought was to have a heartfelt discussion with her, to at least create some common ground. But no idea if all that would backfire.
If you do, I would make sure
If you do, I would make sure DH is present as well. Sounds like SD could easily manipulate the situation into "SM doesn't like me" feeding the narrative to DH and driving a wedge further in between the two of you.
Speaking from experience... I caught SD in a lie when she was 8 ltalkingto her BM. (Mind you I was OVERLY involved at this point. Taking her to playdates, the pool, school, doing homework, the movies, etc.) She claimed I sent her to her room and NEVER did anything with her. I confronted her as she walked in the door and told her how it made me feel and made me NOT want to do those activities anymore since all she did was lie about me and how I was treating her. Of course she started crying (I didn't yell or anything) and DH got upset that I confronted her. *Oh well* It needed to be said. It DID make DH feel like "I didn't like her" because I confronted her. *eyeroll* Hope it's different for you though!
...I had this happen with
...I had this happen with adult SKID- spent incredible money on the kid, made the holidays unbelievable, activities every day and then he tells another family member over the phone, "We did nothing all week." I got so mad I had to go in my car and cool down. After that incident I pulled way back and now I don't plan much of anything -the reality is they are not grateful and they treat us poorly...and I am not sure it ever ends.
If I were a SKID right now-I'd take a look at all these terrible acting SKIDs and I would march the other direction. I would become the most grateful, happy, sweet loving SKID - the behavior would be rewarded tenfold and they'd live like queens and kinds in the eyes of stepparents. Most are not insightful to figure this one out even as adults.
Please tell me she isn't
Please tell me she isn't still getting CS for the daughter who is no longer living with her.
Lol...that's a really good
Lol...that's a really good question.
If your DH is not on your
If your DH is not on your side and you don't want to leave, then don't take any crap. If Princess's boyfriend ignores you, repeat what you say until he acknowledges. "Excuse me, I was talking to you. Can you hear me?" In a polite voice, though. If he says something rude to you, ask him to leave. If SD or boyfriend make a sideways comment, ask "What do you mean by that?" As far as her taking over the house, don't let her tell you what to do. Your bedroom at minimum needs to be your safe space. And keep living like you always have. BTW, your husband is failing you as a spouse and failing her as a father by being too afraid to hold her to any standards.
I think you're right. When
I think you're right. When it comes to this he is failing me and is not doing her any favors. I will take your advice and respectfully call them out on rude behavior. If DH has an issue with it, I can tell him I have a right to stand up for myself.
Vacation Time
You didn't say the ages of your children, but is there anywhere you can go with them for a week or so? Maybe your DH needs some time with his daughter alone to understand what life would be like without you and your children in the home.
He should be more afraid of upsetting you than her. I would disengage from both of them. If you are generally the cook in the house, let them both starve. Maybe give your husband the bills you pay, so he can have his other woman of the house pay them. Maybe then they will start seeing your value.
Yes, she is a bad kid.
She's not a bad kid, followed by but she is incredibly spoiled, entitled and manipulative
Are mutually exclusive.
Stop mitigating that she is shit. Call her what she is, treat her like what she is.
As for DH playing the D word card ...... call his bluff, file, and if your kids are also his, nail him for a shit ton of CS.
Why would you want to make your future with the POS that raised this shit spawn?
No one can soar like an Eagle when they are picking shit with the chickens.
Enjoy your future living well.
Hate so say this again
If BM has a " Filthy hoarded home (bugs and vermin ". Then there's something mentally not right with BM. Mental illness is pasted on to the children. Something is most likely wrong with SD. What is more disturbing is DH had to see it in BM. Didn't bother him. Has children with this worman. Has to live in that house .
Dobt believe those story's about not knowing. We all know just keep out head in the sand
Their home was always on the
Their home was always on the cluttered and messy side, but it spiraled out of control after the divorce. It's been really sad to watch unfold over the years. I've heard mainly DH side of the story and bits and pieces from other family members about their home and marriage.... everyone was miserable for a very long time.
Guess where SD gets it?
"...my husband has dropped the "d" word. ... is incredibly spoiled, entitled and manipulative."
Fill in the blanks and you will see that your SD's troubling personality defects are inherited.
SoCal, don't you see that your DH is spoiled, entitled and manipulative? He is! He is dismissive of your needs and ignores your legitimate request for boundaries. When you begin to assert your rights as a SPOUSE, he drops the "d" word?!! If that isn't manipulation I don't know what is. In any healthy relationship, no one should threaten a divorce just to get their own way and not be confronted.
I sincerely hope that you have your own bank accounts/funds and you must consider what your exit strategy will be. This situation does not bode well.
Men who worship their darling daughters in an unhealthy way cannot be cured.
And by the way, if you are wondering what SD will do when she graduates, I have a good idea: She will probably get pregnant. This will give her a permanent excuse to live with you, and not do anything in the way of work or help around the house since she has to care for the baby. To complete the happy family, her oaf of a BF will probably move in, too. Do you look forward to financially supporting them for the rest of your life?
Last, but certainly far from least, is what this situation is doing to your own kids. Can you imagine what's going through their minds when they see their mother being disrespected and miserable? If you don't think this is negatively affecting them, you are wrong.
Nope.
You deserve better.
California here
And california is completely community property state. And if youve been married 10 years, then spousal support in perpetuity.
Sounds like youd be better off without your "d"h and his failed first family spawn.
However if you wish to stay, call everyone out on their bs behaviors. And tell your failed father of a husband that your going to institute a timeline. You think that things will change suddenly when spoiled princess turns 18 and graduates high school, well sorry that is not the case. Her not being taught how to be a decent human contributing member of your household will not suddenly change over night. It will just be the same thing except now no school to attend.
Start discussing now. And then lay out the expectations. Stop being scared of him getting angry. Hes doing that on purpose.
Holy cow! I didn't think I
Holy cow! I didn't think I was going to get so many responses. Thank you all so much for your support and feedback. You all have given a lot to consider.
I will scrap the idea of just being nice. The idea of killing with kindness is giving me hives. I liked suggestion of respectfully calling them out on their shitty behavior when it happens and will do that going forward.
Some asked about her plans after HS. She's a straight A student and plans to become a nurse practitioner. I am confident that she will eventually become independent and leave the nest. While she has no chores, she generally keeps her room and bathroom areas clean and tidy, has a job, and volunteers with special needs kids. When I say she isn't a terrible human, I do mean that. And there are moments where we do get along.
I have no doubt that her unattractive personality traits are rooted in being raised in a toxic household, before and after her parent's divorce. The selfish entitlement could have been reigned in YEARS ago, and instead it was indulged by mom and dad. We recently had her aunt visit and we talked for hours about SD and she validated everything I have concerns about. She told me when she found out SD was moving in, that she called my DH and said "you realize your wife isn't going to take any of her s**t, right?". SD living with us is her first real experience of being told no... her dad indulges her often but has moments of clarity where he knows he's being played. I tell her no way more often.
DH has not budged on the boyfriend issue but he has had my back in other situations. He's called her out when she's complained about me "not liking her", or if I say no to something she wants. We bump heads in some areas of managing our family and are able to work together in others. I've had to change how I communicate with him for him to become receptive to my feelings and concerns about SD. We are a work in progres and because there has been progress, I have no intention of throwing in the towel.
Has anyone tried family counseling and found it to be helpful? I have a therapist that I confide in but I don't think she is versed in blended family dynamics. Thought it might be worth a shot, and DH is open to the idea.
Therapy is definitely a good idea!
learning the language and teqniques.
Sounds like its workable, just going to be a long slog.
Good luck and keep us posted.
Therapy is great. DH and I
Therapy is great. DH and I have been going to our individual therapists and a martial therapist for a while now. That started about three years ago when I almost walked after decades of an intolerable mini-wife situation. The trick is to make sure you interview any couples therapist first. Not all therapists are educated or have experience with blended marriages, so they will put all the blame on the evil SM and traumatize her all over again while the DH runs around gloating and becoming worse. I have quite a few friends who are going through divorces after being traumatized by therapists who have told them that they are scum of the earth for not bending over and taking it when it comes to mini-wives still living with Daddddeeeeee in their 40s. So, be very careful when choosing. I would recommend going on your own first to check it out.
Thank you so much for this! I
Thank you so much for this! I do have a therapist that I see by myself. She's not educated on blended family dynamics but is good to talk to. I might at some point have to move on to a provider that's a better fit for my situation. She thought it was a GREAT idea to have a heart to heart with SD, but I'm glad I came here because my gut told me otherwise.
Ill definitely take your advice and look into a qualified family therapist. I am so sorry that your friends were damaged by so called professionals. Therapists are supposed to protect ALL their patients, and in turn these ones destroyed families that may have been salvageable. That's so disheartening. I've found the mental health space to be a real crapsshoot with many therapists not being emotionally fit to handle patients.
Thanks so much for sharing your experience. It gives me hope that my family can continue to build on our successes.
I think that, as in many
I think that, as in many lines of work, therapists should stick to their areas of expertise because one size does not fit all. It's not a question of weakness, it's a question of experience and knowledge. I also believe they should be held accountable for accepting work they are not qualified to do and where they have no real knowledge.
In an earlier life, I was a translator and I stuck to work that I knew I could do because I had a background in it - I refused anything to do with legal, medical (with one notable exception for a client who was also a friend and it concerned her mother - I spend months educating myself on her condition), or financial affairs. OTOH, if I had accepted this kind of work and botched it (they all have their own lingo and their own way of formulating sentences) I could have lost customers (word of mouth is a powerful thing) or if I made a mistake, I could have been sued. Therapists need that kind of accountability.
Great point
I'm late to this blog, but 100% agree with everything you wrote.
What has been a critical
What has been a critical success factor for us in our blended family marriage is clear standards of behavior and standards of performance that we each require of the other and anyone else.
There are other variables that impact our success but standards are the foundation and the framework our 29+ year marriage and successful raising of SS-31 are based on.
Anyone and everyone must be held accountable for delivering to those standards. Anyone choosing not to deliver to standard is also choosing the consequences. DW and I both apply those consequences.
Over time our standards have blended to an amalgamation that represents what we both require of ourselves, our marriage, and others.
A big part of that success is zero tolerance for failing to meet the standards and application of full and immediate consequences. As hard as it is to enforce standards on a COD with a toxic parent on the blended family opposition side of the equation, it is critical. Failure of the blended couple to act as equity life partners including being equity parents to any children in their relationship, regardless of kid biology, is that couple failing as adults and as parents.
Kids need to be held to standards. For your own quality of life, you have to enforce those standards. Whether or not your DH likes or wants it.
Hold yourself accountable, hold DH accountable, and for damnes sure hold his toxic failed family spawn accountable.
IMHO of course.