Advice for a struggling stepmom
I'm new to the forum and I'm reaching out for any and all advice. I've been a stepmom for 3 years and have had no issues until recently... i cannot stand my ss! My ss is 11 and is very clingy and needy towards his father. My DH and I have a very healthy marriage and I fear that my feelings towards my ss will eventually come out (I have kept them to myself for fear of hurting my ss or my DH). My DH has 2 children from his previous marriage, ss11 and sd9. My relationship with sd is wonderful, no issues at all. My relationship with ss used to be just as good, but lately I find myself beyond annoyed with his clingy, wimpy behaviors. My ss is constantly wanting my DH's undivided attention. When I came home from work last night, I was having a coffee with my husband and in a 15 minute period, ss came in the kitchen to tell my DH that he loved him and hugged him. Of course my DH sees no problem and adores hearing his son tell him he loves him. I worry that there are budding MH issues at work, such as spearation anxiety due to a very messy divorce and custody battle between his parents. I'm a licensed therapist, so I'm always on the lookout for potential issues. Instead of having compassion and concern for ss, I am beginning to wonder if it is a jealousy issue. SS's jealousy that his father is not paying attention to him, and my jealousy that my DH seems to believe that his children can do no wrong. We have attempted on several occasions to enroll SS into counseling; however BM refuses to agree to it and we cannot enroll ss in counseling without her consent. I feel like a horrible person for just wanting his son to stop being such a wimpy clingy whiner. I welcome any advice that anyone may have for me.
I forgot to clarify that in
I forgot to clarify that in that 15 minute time frame where my DH and I were talking, SS came in 8 times!
Thanks for the input it's so
Thanks for the input it's so good to know that I'm not the only one struggling with this issue. We used to have the skids 5 days a week and BM had them on weekends. Then once BM found out she could receive welfare benefits if she had the kids more, she took DH to court and now it's reversed. She has them all week and we get them on weekends. We get plenty of "us" time during the week, but it just annoys me when I'm trying to have a conversation and ss is always interrupting. It seems as though he's trying to compete with me for his father's attention. We do not see tis issue with sd.
It's funny, I have SD11 and
It's funny, I have SD11 and SS8 and we have the same problems with SS8, SD is fine, but SS - OMG we cannot get a minute alone together when that kid is here, the second SO comes near me he is at him to do something etc.
Drives me mad.
BUT - it is improving. I pointed it out (at counselling) and SO has acknowledged the behaviour. He spends a lot of time alone with both his kids, and has now put boundaries on SS so that if we are alone together talking or whatever he is to leave us be. (unless it's an emergency of course) SS would sit at the table with all the family for dinner (7 people - my 3 BD's as well) and spend the whole meal talking to SO alone - every comment would be "Dad..." he just would not shut up the entire meal and every comment was pointedly aimed only at his Daddy. SO has pointed out that meal times are for the whole family to speak and spend time together and that SS needs to allow the other people at the table to speak as well. He tells him every time he interrupts us when we are speaking that he is being rude, and that he (SO) will come and play with him (or whatever) at such and such time, but only if he allows us some time to chat first.
The only way to deal with this is if your SO acknowledges it is a problem and is prepared to do something.
What is the custody situation
What is the custody situation or parenting plan?
We used to have the kids
We used to have the kids during the week and BM had them on weekends. Then when she found out she could get welfare benefits like free housing, foodstamps, etc if she had kids more, she took DH to court and was awarded custody 5 days a week plus child support and DH sees kids only on weekends. BM really is a nonexistent parent. The kids run wild when they're with they're mom. Sitting down for a family meal is strange to them when they're with us since BM doesn't cook and they forage for whatever they can microwave and eat in front of tv, video games, etc. while BM is locked in her bedroom with her boyfriend. The kids say they are happier living with us like they used to, but still want to see their mom. Unfortunately they aren't yet old enough to decide where they want to live without the court's permission.
I think alot of kids step or
I think alot of kids step or not have this problem!only difference is with my bk's I can tell them to go we Are having adult conversations I'm Mom they have to listen to me!I can tell ss but if fh doesn't speak up it never ends!! Not knowing all your details even if I did I would rule out therapy! Kids get bored lets go bug the parents,kids hear parents laughing lets go check it out,ect.He sees this child regularly,I am sure he spends at least 15 minutes alone with him,I am sure you all probably eat or watch a movie together.right?fh has to back you up simple as that.sometimes as parents we have to pick and choose our battles this is one he doesn't want to ,I assume,it's laziness, give him a hug or say I love you he disappears for a few moments is easy! Lol but wait till dad wants him to stop,oh it may get a ill loud!then you can laugh and think,only if he would have ended this long ago!!
we absolutely spend lots of
we absolutely spend lots of time with the kids when we have them on weekends. He will take his son outside and do "manly" projects like weed the garden, tinker in the garage etc. and I will do "girly" things with ss like cooking, baking, playing with her hair, etc. But we always watch at least one movie together each night and always have all of our meals together. This is what makes me think it's a competition... SS will give his dad a hug and look at me like, ha ha he's mine, not yours. I've seen kids do this in my profession and it's setting of warning bells. I'm wondering if he'll attempt to toss me the toaster when I'm in the bathtub (just kidding).
Get a court order requiring
Get a court order requiring counseling.
Have you DH spend some
Have you DH spend some scheduled alone time with his son. Maybe that's really all the kid needs.
MY SS is the same way. Making sure he gets alone time with his dad helps to mitigate some of the worst attention seeking behavior.
They do spend alone time
They do spend alone time together, but it's not "scheduled." I will suggest that. Thanks for the advice.
I am also praying it is a
I am also praying it is a phase. The skids and their father have always been open with telling each other "i love you" and giving hugs, but over the last few months it's escalated with SS, not so much with SD. I am beyond annoyed. After hearing it for the 20th time in a day, in my head I'm screaming, "yes, we KNOW you love your dad, but Shut the f*** up about it already!" It scares me that I could just be a b**** and should not have my own kids (DH and I are currently trying to get pregnant).