Advice will be much appreciated (Warning, LONG post)
I am new here, and very glad to have found this site. I need a place to get all my feelings about my SO and his kids straight! And he is not necessarily the right person to be talking to about the issue because I am at the point where I want nothing to do with his children anymore. I am 21 and he is 33 and has 2 children a boy 5 and a girl 4 with BM, who he was in a relationship with for 3 or so years. We have been together for several months and are now engaged. Aside from the issues I have with BM and children our relationship is great and I truly believe he is the one. SO is legally blind and thus during their relationship depended solely on her for transportation. (The town they lived in offered no public transport.) I first met the children in December and they are severely developmentally delayed. The 5 year old boy seems to have autism but has never been taken to the doctor. Neither children were up to date on shots until this past April due to pressure from me and my SO. Neither child can speak very well, neither child knows their name, they do not know how to eat properly, their mother lets them run around naked in their home and the children do not even have clothes that fit them. I was at their house for a couple of days and it was horrendous!!! The children slept on mattresses on urine soaked floors. The house was a disaster.
So has talked on numerous occasions about getting his children taken care of but BM has 'social anxiety' so she refuses to leave the house. We live several hours away so we cannot be there for the children as much as he would like. However if he doesn't see the kids every other weekend or so he has nervous breakdowns and sobs about how much he misses them and needs them. (We haven't seen them in six months. Due to his visual impairment getting a steady job has proven difficult for him, and I work full-time for McDonald's as a manager while I study towards an IT degree.) He doesn't realize that it costs at least 100 dollars each trip and that is a low estimate. We really cannot afford to go see them that often. And now that he has started insisting that she take care of them she ignores his calls and texts and e-mails the majority of the time. So we cannot set up any meeting us half way for us to keep them, etc.
To add to my stress, they are finally going through a custody battle (My idea, as they had no arrangements set up before and no child support set up before.) We have sent her money on numerous occasions and she gives it straight to her mother to pay her mother back for paying her bills. (BM does not have a job. She never has. She refuses to get one due to her social anxiety.) I am not a fan of my hard earned money going to her and the kids not seeing any of it!!! So he suggested we actually buy them things they need (clothes, school supplies, etc.) but she said no she just wants money!
I am at a total loss here! I am so frustrated about the whole situation. I really am to the point that I want him to chose between me or them, but I know I would never REALLY want it to come to that. To add another loop to it we both really want to have our own child, but I have such reservations about that only because I don't know how to handle the situation with his kids and BM. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Oh I know you want to help,
Oh I know you want to help, but you are really going to fall into a pit of resentment if you keep this up.
His kid issues and financial issues are not yours. You won't stop right now, because you think you are doing the right thing. I'm telling you though you really need to stop financially supporting this. This is his responsibility. You have a long hard road ahead of you and I'm pretty sure you aren't going to heed any warnings that you get here.
Leaving has crossed my mind
Leaving has crossed my mind on several occasions. It is just the fact that if the kids didn't exist our relationship would be wonderful. SO does have a job and income coming in for his disability, he just doesn't really have the realization of how important saving and the like is. (Something he was never taught unfortunately.) I have decided to try separating our finances for the next few months though to see if it will open up his eyes to the fact that he def. won't see the kids unless his spending habits change. If that doesn't change the situation though, I think I will have to do what's best for ME.
OMG! are you kidding me, run,
OMG! are you kidding me, run, run, run, you are 21, seriously you do not have to stay, no guilt to be held and BTW, on the way out I would call child welfare on her.
Yes child welfare needs to be
Yes child welfare needs to be involved. These are special needs kids who are not getting hte care they need-who knows maybe they are not even autistic but simply lacking appropriate stimulation and parenting-does your boyfriend really want it on his shoulders that either his kids were labeled autistic, delayed, mentally ill when they are rather suffering from poor parenting or equally bad does he want his kids that are delayed and special needs to not get the services that are out there and so available simply because of his own issues? it sounds as if both he and the bm have serious mental health issues and there children are suffering. If your bf is visually impaired there should be services available to assist him -such as vocational rehab. He and bm both need to get their acts together and take care of their kids.
I dont think this is a situation that you can resolve. It is not your s to fix perhaps other than to make a call to social services and to urge your bf ro stand up and be a man.
Social services and CPS have
Social services and CPS have been called. They did not think anything was wrong with the situation. (They were called after shots and doctors appts were taken care of for the first time in the past 2 years.) SO does get help and such from the state and he is working. Any help and such the children have received has been from SO and I urging BM to do so. SO lived with them until the oldest was 3 and all the clothes and stuff they do have is still from that time. BM up and moved away to live in her mothers house because her mother agreed to pay all her bills, etc.
I agree with 'run, run,
I agree with 'run, run, run'!!!!, At 21, you have your whole life ahead of you. There are lots of wonderful guys out there without the baggage your man has. Hold your head up, be happy with who you are on your own, and the right guy will come along. Do not settle. You deserve more. Wait for it. It will be good.
If you think you are frustrated and tired of it now, think of how you will feel year after year when you are given responsibility for his kids with No authority to make any of the decisions. You cannot even treat his kids as you would your own. You will not be allowed to dole out punishment, household chores, dishwashing duty or anything. They will all get up from dinner to retreat to their bedrooms or the tv, and you will be left to clean the mess night after night after night. If you threaten to punish, you will be threatened with jail for doing so. You will not be treated as a mother on mothers day, even though you do all that a mother does.
All the work, none of the thanks.
Go to a quiet room, listen to what your inner self tells you.. We all know what is best for us if we truly listen to our gut/instincts. Ask yourself what advice you would give your best friend or sister if they were in your position. If you are truthful with yourself, I think you will hear your inner being telling you to get out now.
You are looking at a lifetime
You are looking at a lifetime of stress and more drama than a soap opera. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? Get out. It will not change.