after 3 years its all come crashing down
i have been with my partner for 3 years now and the last to have been the worse ever !!!!
our first year as a couple have been amazing with my partner children (sd 12, ss15, ss 18) and myself a son at 17.....in the beginning all was rosy, i couldnt have been more happy and my love for my partner grew and grew and today i would say ive meet my soul mate and partner in crime ....
yes there was a bit of crap from the bio mother in the start but we got past all that and were happy she finally stopped with all her death illness (breast cancer twice and open heart surgery which there were no signs of).
a year in ss15 decided that he hated me, apparently id ruined there little family and that i was a "F..kin B.t.h" that he hated me.....his father handled it pretty well and his son ran home to mum when his father was having no bar of it for 8 months mind you, talk about torturing his father, but all the while i talked to hime encouraging to keep all the lines open for him to come back in his own time.....
then we got engaged and not to soon after i knew this probably going to be a bumpy ride.
after 3 years we still live separately and ss15 has managed to rule the roost for quite some time at his dads and his bm place.....
so this child does not speak to me, doesnt even acknowledge i exsist.... so we pretty much walk past each other like we dont see each other.....
i feel incredible emotional at times and i resent my partner all while i cant imagine my life without him.....
i am pretty open and honest about my feelings and he isnt so much, things have gone so sour because i just want him to have my back, just to acknowledge thats how i feel......
so many things have gone down between my partner and i regarding this recently and the child isnt even with his father, its like the emotional cycle all coming to a head...... my partner keeps telling me he doesnt know what to do to fix this, and i tell him i need him emotionally,and its not about fixing anything .....
i love him so much and im exhausted from all the emotional bollocks, if i didnt love him as much as i do i think id of left ages ago.....
to make matters worst my partner has taken off out of town as hes in a bad head space was his words, while im fuming as this could of been a time for just us since its happens maybe twice in the 3 yrs.....
i just want someone to offer me some advice as to how we can get past this!
looking into counselling so i guess thats a good place to start
You may be past all this (at
You may be past all this (at least on your way), and not even realize it. You cannot change people or your husband; as badly as it hurts-you can only change yourself. it is nothing you did, other than exist. You are at the right place because as you will read over and over again how many of us just exist---and we are excluded and ignored. You are far from alone in this dysfunctional journey.
Your SS may have giving you the wonderful present of disengagement, at least he is helping you out, actually. You do need to ignore him and if possible, stay completely away from him. This is actually a gift. Having no expectations is a great thing, as you will be excluded and ignored regardless, You have a doormat daddee, like many of us and the only way to keep our own sanity is to stay away from the crazy your husband created and weakly ignores. It is pathetic and sickening to watch first handedly, so do your best to completely stay away from it. It is not you at all; it is 100% your husband.
Disengagement was the greatest gift I have ever given myself, from me-to me. :-).
You can do this....
thank you!! it's all I've
thank you!! it's all I've read on here, does it get any better or do we as mothers, step parents or significant others just wait till the kids grow and leave?? and even then there is a forum for grown step children ahhhhhh pass the bottle to me next !! kidding, I've possibly turned to alcohol to numb the feelings of hurt which isn't good, I'm not ashamed to admit ! I'm sure many of step parents could say the same, I think the last 2 years I've drunk more in my whole life and it suxs I feel i have to do that just to feel happy and sane!
such a shame the bio parents can't see it as we step parents see things.
I asked my partner what he would like to happen for us and our future,he said to be happy...
I think he's wearing Rose tinted glasses.....
before I meet him I had be a single parent for 10 years,few wee relationships that werent right for me and was confident to know it and end them,, I don't need him as I'm independent on my own and still while we are together....but I do want him in my life because I love him dearly.
heven has had one relationship was with a woman who treated him poorly, emotionally abused him, never worked but spent a lot of time away from the family behaving like a single woman while he worked full time and looked after his kids.he was never allowed an opinion or to make any choices, was controlled and shaped as he was only 18 when they meet and ended when he was 30 and those patterns are still very visible in our relationship today.....I'm just frustrated.....Wine anyone lol
Hon - get hobbies and start
Hon - get hobbies and start living your own life, SO will either join you and control his brat or it will be the end but at least you will not be in limbo..
Why do I say this.. been with my SO for 12 years, lived together, 4 years ago I moved out due to a brat skid child, much worse then your 15 year old..... 2 years ago SO stopped jumping for the little princess cause he realized, either he works on our relationship or it's over... I simply started living my own life and never bother with Aergia, I disengaged and I have nothing to do with her, the only time I engage with her is to truly torment her.. }:)
If your SO starts seeing you living your own life, doing things you like, and he joins you... then hang in there... start lying the ground work for SS to be out of the house age 18, DO not move in with the man until all children is out of the house, your mission is now to get them all out and about age 18, regardless if they go to collage or not...
clevergirl99 I can safely
clevergirl99 I can safely say my partner has never given me the sob story,he actually doesn't have anything contact with her, nor has he said a lot... being we live in a small town it's common knowledge she is a ..beep beep..... so please don't assume he pulled the victim card because he really didn't, I came to that conclusion myself from the things she used to do to try get him to bring food and firewood because the kids would stave and be cold,
I seen the way she use to treat him, and being the true gentlemen he is has never uttered a bad word about her ( maybe once when she abused him in the street in front of the kids, later he said a couple of things in private to me), if anything it's been me that's spoke my piece to her several times....
thankfully with no reaction from either of us she has left us to it, thank God, because another illness of some kind might set me over the edge....
anyway update is we will continue to live apart, get some counselling and the end of this year assess our lives, it's mostly good apart from ss15
CANUHELP, funniest thing today, instead of ignoring today I was listening in about how he got in trouble and every day has to get yellow card signed by each teacher and also a parent......, I pipped up " have you been that naughty " in a cheery smiley tone.... got between grunts , "I don't care what the teachers say " with a smile on my face I say " that's a pretty shitty attitude, guess you won't care when your jobless and have no money either " lots of grunts and muttering under his breath as I continued to smile and enjoy myself while he squirmed cause I talked to him...... funniest ever !! may just start doing that more often, his dad and I had a good laugh about it.....pays to have a good sense of humor otherwise I'd goooooooo nutty......no I guess it's not Ideal but over the weekend finally my partner and I had quite a breakthrough not only as a couple but realizing what needed to happen with ss15.....better later than never and keeping positive it continues......
Emmy, that is the wonderful
Emmy, that is the wonderful part about disengaging - you can say what you want, they say whatever, and nothing really phases you - its like water off a ducks back. Because you do not invest yourself or your emotions. You let the parent be the parent and let the sdkid fall and do not pick up the pieces when they do.
You just sit back and enjoy your life as it was meant to be enjoyed - in love and taking care of you and yours. SS15 is still young, though and you do hopefully realize that this might not get better - he might just decide to mooch for a looooooong time!