AITA
AITA
This is my first time posting, I've lurked but never had the confidence to write anything.
I’ve been with my DH for 7 years, married for 3. He has two boys, 12 and 14, from a previous relationship, and we’ve had them every weekend since we got together. I get pushback when I mention wanting bank holidays for just us, as DH says he only sees his boys two days a week.
Lately, the weekends have become unbearable. The youngest, who has ADHD and no boundaries at home, has started 'claiming' DH—always needing his attention, but his attitude toward me is terrible. He talks back, gives cheek, and ignores me.
For example, I was watching TV, and DS walked in and asked DH if he could play on the PlayStation, hoping DH would override me. When I asked him to take his clothes upstairs, he complained rudely and with backchat, and when I calmly reminded him of how we speak in this house, he walked away mid-conversation.
DH thinks he’s dealing with it, but these microaggressions are piling up, and it’s getting hard to take.
On the one hand... I get him
On the one hand... I get him not wanting to miss time with his kids when he doesn't have a lot.. BUT.. EVERY weekend is also not partidularly fair to you either. Most couples are able to have "some" time to go off and have a holiday without kids... and that's not unreasonable to ask for.
Do you and he get away ever during the week? do your work schedules allow for that? If so, I guess he can argue that you and he do have 5 days a week together.. and could do things then.. but never having a weekend off does seem a bit extreme.
Do you think he and his EX could come up with some adjustment.. perhaps he can skip a couple of weekends.. but in exchange, have the kids for a full week during their time off from school? (or are they already getting some time like that?).
I don't think your request is totally out of line.. but maybe not "every" bank holiday .. there are 12 in the US and that might be a bit too many weekends for him to give up.. but if you wanted to have 2-4 weeks in the year.. that's not as big of an ask... and probably something he should see if they could be accomodated.
I think you may want to step back a bit from trying to coach his boys.. let dad be the one to ask about the clothes etc.. and not put yourself in that line of fire. Ask your DH.. "can you get the boys to take their things to their room?"..
Disengage from them a bit.. and let dad be the one to have to step up and parent them.
YANTA. EWE visitation is the kiss of death for many blended
YANTA. EWE visitation is the kiss of death for many blended family marriages. EOWE or 2WE on 2WE off, WOn WOff, or some variation gives the couple focus time for the relationship and a break for any other kids in the home.
IMHO it would be easier to be the full time CP household than an EWE visitation schedule. I would not accept that as a SParent.
My SParent journey had been pretty much the unicorn of blended family life experiences. I met my bride when her son was 15mos old. We married the week before he turned 2yo. She had full physical and legal custody. We met at University. She had left SpermLand to attend University out of State with a baby on her hip.
Visitation was long distance so we did not have a constant or even regular interface in with the opposition. We did have drama with the SpermClan. However, our hiome life and family were not overly impacted by some invasive schedule.
Take care of you.
Good luck.
I agree about every weekend.
I agree about every weekend. Imagine, M-F you and your spouse are working so maybe see each other a few hours before bed. Then every weekend is spent catering to ill-behaved kids that your spouse won't parent because they spent the past week missing them. A stepparent's worst nightmare.
Yea, I think I'd find this
Yea, I think I'd find this intolerable.
Since an NCP is not required to actually take their COd
Since an NCP is not required to actually take their COd visitation, an SP in this situation should make it clear to their spouse that EWE is done and it will now be EOWE. If the CP wants a modification, then fine, but none of the EWE crap. Why should the CP get every weekend kid free?
Certainly in intact marriages/initial families it is all kid all the time 24/7. However, in blended families those families have failed and for the new family to survive the marriage has to be made the priority that sacrifices nothing for either partners XW or XH. Not a thing. Kids are the top responsibility for the new couple, but kids regardless of their biological sources are not the priority over the relationship. Kids follow the standards of behavior and standards of performance in the new family, but the X spouse(s) have no say, get no consideration, and for damned sure the new marriage/family is not the beck and call care squad for the X.
Though in our case my DW was the CP with full physical and legal custody. Visitation was long distance and only 7wks per year if they SpermClan bothered to take it. For us their refusal to take visitation was no burden on us. We just kept doing the normal that we followed for the 45wks per year that SS was with us. There was not even a discernable impact on SS when they refused visitation. Though he certainly knew when they did refuse visitation. Visitation followed a mostly fixed schedule. 5Wks summer, 1Wk winter, 1Wk spring.
If we had been the NCP household in a local visitation situation with some wack job schedule set by a moron in idiot black Harry Potter robes slinging a Fisher-Price toddler's wooden hammer, there is not a snowballs chance in hell EWE would have been tolerated. Even if it ment paying more is CS. The NCP can say no to any and all visitation if they so choose.
For clarity, I never had any issue with an ankle biter or more accurately a knee biter in my life and marriage from day one of the relationship. It infuriated me to no end that a bottom 10%er of the legal profession moron Judge forced SS to be regularly exposed to a serial statutory rapist pot head POS waste of skin and the shallow and polluted gene pool that created that POS.
I always felt
That tge bio parents has alone time before the kids. That you as the SP deserve some alone time. As a week 5 days Monday to Friday away alone. A few times a year. You must make DH understand this is not working. He has one fail marriage, he looking at a second.
'Didn't this give you a hint when dating? You can't blame the kid for trying to get his way, all kids play that game . But you can blame DH for disrespecting you. Qww
You are not the a$$hole
First off, the time together isnt the biggest issue - your partners parenting is the biggest issue. He is allowing his little bratola to be rude to you and treat you badly.
Disengagement is your friend. Bratola wants to brat on you, disengage. Husband doesnt want to parent bratola, disengage. Bratola backtalks? Disengage. That means different things in different situations.
If you sit your husband down and calmly explain how bratola needs reprimand and repercussions and you get pushback, calmly explain that "no I dont hate your kid, but your kid is behaving badly and its not to be tolerated. I require children and well anyone in my house to treat me with respect and if that does not happen then its on you. We must be a united front, and you must parent. Not out of guilt out of not being a fully time dad, but with love and solidarity."