Already dreading the next 5 days with SD
I’m new here. I’m glad that I have found this forum, glad to see that there are others who go through SK shenanigans.
My SO and I bought a house together back in November, before then we were living in separate homes. His children were wonderful while we were living apart, yes I did recognize that oldest daughter age 11 now has the family hero complex and is very very spoiled, but it didn’t bother me. His youngest and I have a pretty strong bond with each other and calls me her step mother when I am introduced to anyone by her. The eldest will only refer to me as dads gf.
I have a hard time bonding with the eldest. She has a rude and mean way about her. She seems to feel that the world revolves around her. Both SO and BM place this child on a pedestal, which has created a spoiled brat. She has a mini wife air about her as well, when her father and I are speaking about adult subjects such as Bills, repairs etc, she feels the need to put her 2 cents in. I point out to her that she is a child and need to only worry about age appropriate things and she gets angry. Her latest flavor has been asking that SO and BM go on a school trip with her together. The class is going to a theme park, sd had requested that both parents attend as chaperones despite the fact that the parents have been divorced for 7 years and can’t even look at each other. When her mother said no, she threw a childish tantrum and then proceeded to whine about it for weeks in attempt to get her way. She continuously stirs the pot between her parents. She has initiated many heated arguments between the two of them, and yet SO still coddles her.
Money the weekends she is here with her sister, SO has them 50/50, it is non stop attitude, pouting to get her way, invading our bed because she “can’t sleep”, but me this or that, entertain me, the list goes on and on. I’ve tried to bond with her, I’ve tried to play catch with her, attend concerts, games, etc, but a resentment is growing towards her. I work from home as a visiting nurse, I see patients throughout the day and come home to chart. She feels that because I am working from home that she no longer needs to go to after school sitter and pouts and has a fit when I say no because I have people to see and am not canceling appointments just to allow her to be home. This is my job. We have tried allowing her to come home after school in the past and miss 11 can’t seem to be quiet while I am on the work phone with clients, or drs.
From what I read from other posts, it will not get easier. Now I work on setting boundaries with her so I am not to be walked on in my home. I was feeling like there was something wrong with me because I am having a hard time liking her. I know eventually she will use my relationship with her sister against me, even though I do try to also have a bond with her. I can’t force myself to have a bond with her, I am respectful towards her, I just don’t like her. I had thought about therapy, but am fearful that I will be labeled as an evil step mom, even though I am truly trying to be a support person to the girls and SO
Its nice to be able to come to this site and know that I am not alone.
Sorry for some weird autocorrects
I just read my post and want to apologize in advance for some weird autocorrects up there. I was posting vis my phone
You have a DH problem since
You have a DH problem since he coddles your SD. Your DH needs to set boundaries with her and let her know that she is a child and that if she acts out their will be consequences. I have the same problem my DH doesn't want to discipline his kids either. The only other thing you can do is disengage and do not do anything for your skids. I pretty much have stopped doing things with and for my skids. You will feel more resentment if towards your SD and your DH if you don't disengage. Your skids are your DH's responsibility not yours. It took me about two years to realize that.
Yep, you have an SO problem.
Yep, you have an SO problem. If my SS did any of the things you mention at 11, DH would have set him straight so fast that his head would spin. I never had to set boundaries or tell him to butt out or anything because DH beat me to the punch every time.
You being the one to shut her down will eventually drive her to complaining to BM (if she hasn't already) and then you will have a BM problem too. It's your SO's job to set boundaries on his kid and he's not doing it because he wants to be the "nice" dad (or he's afraid BM will keep his kids from him).
Start by making clear to your SO that this needs to change and see how he responds.
My saving grace was
My saving grace was disengaging and you should probably do the same. It will literally save your sanity. Don't worry about them, don't take care of them, don't let yourself have opinions on what they do. If she comes to your bed at night.....just get up and leave and go sleep somewhere else.
My SD11 is kinda the same, but add to it MAJOR anxiety and the fact that she acts like a toddler. I have started just acting like she isn't there unless she directly talks to me....then I respond accordingly. DH, thankfully, has stopped treating her like some wounded baby (it has taken almost 4 years for that to stop) so her behaviors have changed a bit....now that she doesn't get treated like she is some sort of baby queen....she just mopes around waiting to go back to BM...where she is still treated like a baby on pedestal.
Lots of stuff going on
1. Are you married or not? If not married, you are not the SM. Not that gives a lot of rights where I live, but you are what you are. If you are engaged, you can tell fiance to tell his kid to refer to you as Dad's fiance.
2. I did start talking about money in front of my kid when she was about 11. I wanted her to learn that money does not grow on trees, that credit cards should be paid at the end of every month, etc. You need to talk to SO and agree with him how to discuss money in front of kid. I would FAR rather have kid tell me stupid thoughts about money when she is 11 and let me explain where her logic is wrong that wait till she is 18.
3. If you work at home, or even if you don't if SO not there, he needs to find her an after school program, etc. Now, if she wants to go to her moms, there may be a CS adjustement.
4. If she whines, SO needs to tell her to go to her room. She can whine all she wants in private.
5. 11 should be able to sleep in her own room. Is it on the same floor with her dad?
6. You need to cut back on time with her. She is there to be with dad, he needs to do those things with her. Do you guys live close enough to her mom that she can see friends from there? Can dad help accomodate that?
The last thing you need to
The last thing you need to worry about is what people think and being labled "evil stepmother". What you need to do is address SD's father and ask him to handle this disrespectful cottled behavior that she does time & time again. She's too old to have tantrums and invading your bed and conversations is a hell no. He's the one you need to speak to and if he doesn't handle it than you have to either disengage or leave the relationship altogether because it won't get better.
If he doesn't take the necessary measures nothing will change.
How can you possibly respect
How can you possibly respect such a POS little rude, PITA crotch nugget? I susptect that the fact is... you don't respect her because she hasn't earned it.
So, quit "respecting" her and immediately enforce boundaries with escalating age appropriate consequences for her choices to violate those boundaries. Once she gains clarity that compliance is the only option that does not result in some state of abject misery and complies going forward... then respect her.
Apply the consequences, make her earn respect. No adult has required that she earn respect nor have they required her to learn and remain in her place.
Time for that to happen IMHO. If it doesn't, this kid is going to be intollerable as an adult and it will take far more painful intervention to deal with if that is allowed to happen.